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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Resenting DH weekend of sports

101 replies

darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 17:23

Hi, I think im probably BU....just looking to have a bit of a rant really and ask if anyone is in the same boat.

DH has recently started playing golf every weekend, (before this it was years of football) which takes him out of the house for minimum 6 hours on a Saturday or a sunday.

I find myself feeling really resentful when he’s gone.

We have an 11 month old dd and two older dd’s (7 & 11).

Baby is exclusively bf and bedshares with me during naps and through the night. This weekend I am starting to sleep train but she heavily relies on me for sleep at the moment.

She has never had a bottle and refused dummies, so DH has never put her down for a nap or been up with her in the night. He sleeps on the sofa every night (his choice).

He has a very labour intensive job, Leaves at 6am comes home At 5pm. I cook for everyone and clean up after dinner and go to bed with baby. He walks the dog and puts our other dd’s to bed.

I just can’t help but feel - where is my time off? How come he gets to take himself away in the small amount of spare time he has to help me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:58

@edwinbear haha!! It takes so bloody long to “play a round” and he’s now obsessed with it. Gutted.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 29/08/2020 18:58

The older DC aren't his. Does he have other DC?

bigchris · 29/08/2020 19:01

This is his first child and he's not helping at All?

He sleeps on the sofa too?

It's not looking good op, how is his relationship with the kids that aren't his and isn't there any family on that side who could take them for a weekend to give you some time ?

edwinbear · 29/08/2020 19:03

This is exactly why they take it up OP, they think to themselves what can I take up to legitimately get me away from my DW/DP and DC for as long as possible. Golf!

category12 · 29/08/2020 19:03

I reckon you should start going to the gym as soon as you can, and don't rush back, just take your time - you really need it. Have a sit down and a quiet coffee or something afterwards. Your baby will be fine, your partner will just have to manage. You need and deserve a break.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 19:07

@TwentyViginti no he does not have other DC.

@bigchris his relationship with the two older dc is good.
Their father and his family are all utterly useless , there are periods where every other weekend their father does have them for a night or two but he’s not reliable.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 19:08

@category12 I agree!

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 19:09

@edwinbear DH dad has a long-standing obsession with golf too, he used to take DH as a kid. And he really IS a knobber to his wife - he’s never lifted a finger in their household.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 29/08/2020 19:12

Apple hasn’t fallen very far from the tree has it......I agree with PP, you need to develop a gym habit ASAP, preferably one where you can relax in the sauna afterwards, followed by a leisurely coffee Grin

Ragwort · 29/08/2020 19:14

edwin not all golfers are selfish, my DH plays golf & has always been an incredibly involved Dad. He enjoyed playing golf but also made sure that I had plenty of time to myself to have a break from childcare.

Op - I just think you need to toughen up, take some time out from your baby, it may be hard initially but she is clearly relying on you because you are there all the time.

FusionChefGeoff · 29/08/2020 19:14

The only way we successfully weaned / sleep trained was when DH stepped in and I backed out!! You need him to make it work.

The whole point is that if you are there, baby will scream and scream for milk.

If you are not there, after a couple of nights, they realise there's nothing coming and so tend to just give up and start settling with cuddles / rocking / singing etc.

nosswith · 29/08/2020 19:22

Your comment about DH's dad seems to suggest where he got his old fashioned views from.

Aria2015 · 29/08/2020 19:23

My dh plays too. It's taken us a while to find a balance with it but now we've reached a pretty good place where he plays for the morning and then will give me the equivalent time to either do something or just take it easy eg. Sit back while he looks after our lo.

When lo was younger it was harder because like you, i was somewhat 'tied' to lo so couldn't just go off for an afternoon, but instead what we'd do is that dh would give me several mini breaks of an hour or so over the weekend in-between feeds where I could relax and not have to do anything. Perhaps you could try that?

I think it's fine for your dh to play but he needs to make sure you get a break too. If you can't have a whole afternoon then he should be giving you 5 or so hourly breaks between feeds where he entertains the baby and you get to have a nap, long bath, whatever you like to do.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 19:25

Wow isnt'he lucky not to have to sort out childcare so he can have 6 hours off every weekend.

Forgetting the attachment parenting for a sec, that's a long time to choose to be away from his family EVERY weekend. I'm sure there are other things he can do besides feeding/co sleeping- Housework? Spending time with the older kids? Cooking dinner? All the stuff mums usually have to do.

Not saying he shouldn't get time off but every weekend????

Don't worry OP, as the baby gets older and you are no longer feeding, you will get some time back.

PollyRoe16 · 29/08/2020 19:46

I completely understand how relentless breastfeeding can feel when your lo won't take a bottle - I was in exactly the same situation/ still am! My DS would wake about 4 times after he was in bed before 10pm so even if I wanted to go anywhere I couldn't as he wouldn't settle for my husband.
Feeding to sleep and rocking stopped working so we did end up going down the controlled crying route which was honestly a god send (completely understand if that's not for you)
He's still fed just before bed and then put in his cot and goes to sleep and I can go out in the evening.

It will get better!

Can you try going out in between the baby's naps? I found that gave me a good few hours where they didn't need boob.

There is definitley waaay more your husband can be doing though! My DH will always do bath time and get him in his pyjamas and then clean up downstairs whilst I'm putting him down. Him saying you do nothing for him is absolute bullsh*t

LilyWater · 29/08/2020 19:57

@darrenlacey

I am slowly going insane and Id love to let go a bit, I just don’t know how to do it. I am trying to sleep train her from Bedsharing and breastfeeding through the night. DH has opted not to be involved in sleep training because she gets so distressed if I’m not there to comfort her at bed and nap time. She refuses dummies/bottle.

I’d love to be able to leave her with DH or a grandparent for several hours. But it’s not possible. I am at a loss for how to do it.

You've made a rod for your own back by continuing to be the only one who meets all her demands - it's a vicious circle. How will she learn to be with anyone else for any length of time if you don't insist on it at least some of the time? You can't get mad at your own DH for a choice you yourself made. If he was opting out of helping in a different scenario then I would certainly be saying he needs to step up. However it seems he genuinely would help but she keeps refusing him so he has no choice but to leave her, especially as you insist on continuing to fulfil that role and entrenching the child's behaviour further. She may cry but she's not going to die if you leave her with her other parent to deal with. I think you're being very unfair on your DH. He's probably building up resentment on his side too with your blaming and is now using golf as an escape.
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 20:50

The ‘blaming’ has come about because he can swan off out for the day whereas I can’t. Not the other way around Hmm

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 21:02

He has no choice but to leave her for 6 hours?
What a loada crap.
Attachment parenting is not a rod for your own back.
He could easily find time for himself thatbdoens take 6 hours.
Lots of things he can do for his family apart from feeding a baby
Blame the mother again surprise surprises

Theredjellybean · 29/08/2020 21:11

I don't see why you cannot leave an 11 month old for a few hrs..
She is not a newborn needing feeding constantly.
Surely by this point she has solids, fluid in sippy cup and a breast feed three to four times a day?
You can go out, you choose not too.
You say you are transferring her from bed to cot alone... You sound like a martyr... Why can't you give bedtime feed, hand baby to dp, and go. Out...or go downstairs and spend some time with your other dc?

Sorry op but I think you are liking the martyr to the baby role too much and frankly I don't blame your dp...

Skyla2005 · 29/08/2020 21:16

You say you have been fed up with the way things are now so maybe think about weaning baby off the breast and getting her out of the bed would be the start of getting a bit of your life back. Breast milk doesn’t have much nutritional benefit as they approach a year old as solid food provides them with what they need. If you could get the baby a bit more into a bedtime routine you could have a bit of time with him in the evening and go to bed together. I know it’s hard but most baby’s are capable of sleeping in their cot Ot would also give you time at the weekend to go and do something on your own for a few hours if no breast needed. Maybe talk to the health visitor if you wanted to change things

Goingdownto · 29/08/2020 21:16

So do you see the OP's dh stepping up to insist he has some one-to-one time with his child, or insist that his wife needs a bit of time alone away from the home?
Of course you fucking don't. The biggest obstacle to not getting out of the house will be the unwilling, uncooperative partner who puts his own needs first. It's easy to pay lip service to her needs "well of course you can go out whenever you want darling, but it's just so hard when lo is crying over and over for her mum" while doing nothing to overcome the obstacles placed in her way.

LovingLola · 29/08/2020 21:18

So if I’ve read your posts correctly you go to bed at approximately 6.30pm with the baby and your dp does all the evening work with your 7 and 11 year old daughters? I read your thread about the 7 year old coming home filthy from her dad’s house. You said she’s autistic and developmentally at the age of a 4 year old so needs assistance re tooth brushing etc...
In fairness to your dp it sounds as if he is doing a reasonable share of parenting..

OverTheRubicon · 29/08/2020 21:29

The biggest obstacle to not getting out of the house will be the unwilling, uncooperative partner who puts his own needs first. It's easy to pay lip service to her needs "well of course you can go out whenever you want darling, but it's just so hard when lo is crying over and over for her mum" while doing nothing to overcome the obstacles placed in her way.

That's what my DH did. He was all for sleep training and all for me going out, but whenever it came to the hard yards of soothing an upset baby, they'd be handed back to me, or if I'd try to leave them to self settle for 2 minutes he'd be knocking at my door - it's not always fair to say that the woman has made a rod for her own back, usually she's had a fair bit of help.

That said, op, at 11 months you can 100% knock the feeding to sleep on the head faster than you think. I've fed all my 3 into toddlerhood despite dropping feeding to sleep using the No Cry Sleep Solution. It wasn't totally no cry for us, but is very gentle and in a few nights you will have some sanity back and in 2 weeks, if you can stick with it (even with some flex) you won't know yourself.

You can use all the extra time on your hands to.ebay his golf clubs... Wink

Onthemaintrunkline · 29/08/2020 21:33

This little one seems to be controlling household. Yes she has her needs, but at 11 months it’s time to change her routine so as she fits in with the rest of the family, not the other way around. I suggest at this age she should easily be able to be left with grandparents or a trusted babysitter. Yes she probably won’t be too impressed with any introduced changes to her day, but as I see it, your own day definitely needs them! Sippy cup and sleeping alone in her own cot would be 2 things I would be introducing, you need some freedom as well.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 21:36

@LovingLola yes I’ve already stated that he puts the other girls to bed (and walks the dog) in the evenings. This involves making sure ASD dd 7 brushes her teeth and changes into her pyjamas, then an hour later telling dd11 to go up to bed.
I’m not sure what that has to do with him playing golf on a weekend.

OP posts: