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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband said I'm shit stirring and have problems in my head for protecting our land

105 replies

Cyanjade1 · 29/08/2020 07:03

Hi, I posted in legal a short time ago. Basically a person had approached us saying they'll be driving over our land claiming to have a access route through our wall and over our land and that they were buying land next door..

Despite me telling him that he did not have any access over our land, He has been accessing through gates, driving diggers, dumpers over our land. Our solicitor confirmed he doesnt have any access over our land. We pegged our land (reluctantly my husband helped me) out but this man has just been breaking the fence posts and throwing them into the bushes. Threatening to smash our wall down and stop us maintaining our property if we stop him driving over our land. My husband was there at the time the man made these threats, but he turned around to the man saying well you're not asking for alot are you.

This is the part thats gets to me this most. My husband shouts at me telling me I've got problems in my head and I'm shit stirring by stopping him going over our land. Despite our solicitor telling us both that this man has no access rights. My husband will not help me put our fence posts back up and says he won't be helping with any costs to do so. He's also told this man, he's not got a problem with what he's doing, its my wife who's got a problem with it and that he is staying out of it.

I now feel like both my husband and this man are ganged up against me, for simply protecting whats on the title deeds. I pay at least 50% of mortgage and bills (sometimes 100%) but now don't have a say over the land/property I'm paying towards keeping.

Please tell me this isn't normal behaviour of my husband. I feel sick to my stomach, our child is hearing these arguments and I absolutely hate how it's upsetting her as well I've mentioned devorce to him, because he's making me out to be a monster for doing nothing wrong. He's quite happy to do so, but won't be paying anything for that either.

I have to get me and our child out of here don't I, surely this isn't normal is it. I feel so broken at this moment, struggling to understand my husband. Not sure who he is anymore.

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 12:19

I think the husband is right to be scared of the neighbour I remember your previous thread and the neighbour sounds sinister and unhinged, however the husband ought to forming a United front with you not attacking you and belittling you
He is now starting to stand as unhinged and sinister as the neighbour
Maybe just leave and let these ageing rutting stags establish who's going to be the alpha without you being a casualty of battle

TeaAndHobnob · 30/08/2020 12:22

Call the police. This isn't just a dispute, he's damaging your property. Ignore your DH.

SoulofanAggron · 30/08/2020 12:22

Your neighbour is committing vandalism, and your husband is being verbally abusive towards you.

If your husband were on your side, you could go to the police for the trespassing and vandalism.

Unfortunately, if your husband agrees to the bloke having access to it, there's nothing you can do on that score.

You could consider separating from your husband due to his verbal/emotional abuse.

You aren't ill in the head at all- it's them who are acting abnormally/irrationally.

GabsAlot · 30/08/2020 12:27

theres a difference between staying out of it and telling the neighbour he has no problem with it-he should back up his wife

minimike · 30/08/2020 12:39

Without going into your DH's fear/mental health/depression. You have to get solicitor involved (as others have suggested) and partly to explain to your DH that without restriction, the neighbour may be trying to establish a "right" to cross your land.
It may be that Mr Nasty will eventually offer you a low price to buy you out.

ZigZagPlant · 30/08/2020 12:47

This isn’t just trespass. It sounds like criminal damage and harassment. Call the police.

nancybotwinbloom · 30/08/2020 12:52

I second calling the police.

RHRA · 30/08/2020 13:01

God what is your husband thinking? What is wrong with him?
He's the one with mental issues not you.
I really feel for you dealing with this. In your shoes, assume you're on your own going forward. Call the police and get a solicitor letter sent, beg / borrow/ get that money together for an injunction.
If you do nothing, you'll not be able to sell at all, at least this way you probably will be able to sell.
I couldn't stay with a man like that, who was so publicly unsupportive of me. Your husband is supposed to be your greatest protector.

Original poster
Cyanjade1 · 02/09/2020 16:14

Overheard my husband speaking to this neighbour today, saying he's doesnt care what he does with the land. It's all her who's got a problem with it (about me). It's her who's the hard work. I think he's even brought my Dad into it, as I heard that neighbour saying well tell her Dad to come over here. My father has stayed out of it, so I don't even know why he's been bought into it.

I felt stabbed in the back by my own husband, especially as the solicitor has told us to our face that it is our land and there is no access for this neighbour.
I packed a few things for myself and our child. But he took her back out of the car, I couldn't leave without her. Totally broken seeing my little girl cry.

I really don't know who my husband is any more.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 16:20

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I agree that your H is scared and therefore placating the neighbour. That explains not wanting to get involved. It doesn't excuse colluding with him and implying you have issues.

I think you'll need a solicitor yourself. Sad

JustCallMeGriffin · 02/09/2020 16:53

I'm sorry but if my husband backed up an aggressive, property destroying stranger over me I'd leave him. If you haven't got each others backs when you're not in the wrong there's literally no point in being married. He doesn't respect you or care about you. He's making this as crystal clear as possible.

As to the access, record every bit of damage with evidence and repeatedly deny his claim and object to every incursion on your land. Whilst it may not stop him immediately it stops him having a legal claim via adverse possession in the future. Hopefully in the meantime you'll be able to find the money to challenge him legally.

Dery · 02/09/2020 17:05

This is crazy. It’s very hard to understand your husband’s attitude. Does your neighbour have no access to his property other than across your land? Either way, he’s thrown you under the bus. Can you attempt to leave with your daughter when your husband isn’t looking?

Dery · 02/09/2020 17:06

PS even if neighbour had no access other than across your land, this should have been resolved prior to purchase.

Fosler · 02/09/2020 17:07

I think I would call the police if I was prevented from leaving.

Teal99 · 02/09/2020 17:10

You do know who your husband is. He is a complete wuss, scared of the big bad neighbour so won't do what is the right thing by you and the land. Stand your ground. Let him be the yellow belly.

growinggreyer · 02/09/2020 17:14

He doesn't get to take your child out of the car and prevent you from leaving with her. Get a new place to live organised and file for divorce. If he wants to let this other man run roughshod over the land that is his decision but you are allowed to remove yourself from the situation.

TiddyTid · 02/09/2020 17:18

What an arsehole your husband is. I couldn't forgive this betrayal.

Mix56 · 02/09/2020 17:40

your Husband is a fool,
It most certainly will make a difference to the value of your land.
What if he has a builders yard, with lots of vehicles?

user1471538283 · 02/09/2020 18:00

Oh no another wet man. My ex had many faults but he would have gone nuclear over the trespass and my being treated like this. He should be in your corner as this other bloke is clearly bullying you. If he's not in your corner over trespass when is he going to be?

PlateTectonics · 02/09/2020 18:03

This isn't a partnership, OP. He has no respect for your opinions or feelings.

PicsInRed · 02/09/2020 18:12

This is even worse than being single, OP. Your husband is actively encouraging the guy and undermining your legal efforts - which may otherwise have worked by now to convince the neighbour to cease. Being married has actually resulted in you and your primary asset being less safe. What's even the point?

Take your child and leave when he's out. He can't stay in all the time. Call the police if he won't let you/your child out of his sight.

RHRA · 02/09/2020 18:16

Would you be able to stay with your parents for a while OP? Take your daughter and leave while he's out.
There's no future in your marriage, so may as well get on with seeing a solicitor about a divorce. Leave him to get on with his new best friend next door.

jeaux90 · 02/09/2020 18:35

Your husband is fucking idiot. Send the letter to your neighbour and tell your husband if he doesn't change his stance and support you/protect your investment then it's going to cause irreparable damage to your marriage.

Honestly, what a useless tosser.

rainbowstardrops · 03/09/2020 07:10

Bloody hell, it's not just a case that your husband is scared of this man but it's disgusting that he's actively slagging you off behind your back!!! I'd be getting the solicitor involved more. Oh and add divorce papers to the list!

MrsSwears2Much · 03/09/2020 12:10

This is awful.
I honestly can't believe your husband is being so cruel.
Oh OP, I do hope you manage to leave him.