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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband said I'm shit stirring and have problems in my head for protecting our land

105 replies

Cyanjade1 · 29/08/2020 07:03

Hi, I posted in legal a short time ago. Basically a person had approached us saying they'll be driving over our land claiming to have a access route through our wall and over our land and that they were buying land next door..

Despite me telling him that he did not have any access over our land, He has been accessing through gates, driving diggers, dumpers over our land. Our solicitor confirmed he doesnt have any access over our land. We pegged our land (reluctantly my husband helped me) out but this man has just been breaking the fence posts and throwing them into the bushes. Threatening to smash our wall down and stop us maintaining our property if we stop him driving over our land. My husband was there at the time the man made these threats, but he turned around to the man saying well you're not asking for alot are you.

This is the part thats gets to me this most. My husband shouts at me telling me I've got problems in my head and I'm shit stirring by stopping him going over our land. Despite our solicitor telling us both that this man has no access rights. My husband will not help me put our fence posts back up and says he won't be helping with any costs to do so. He's also told this man, he's not got a problem with what he's doing, its my wife who's got a problem with it and that he is staying out of it.

I now feel like both my husband and this man are ganged up against me, for simply protecting whats on the title deeds. I pay at least 50% of mortgage and bills (sometimes 100%) but now don't have a say over the land/property I'm paying towards keeping.

Please tell me this isn't normal behaviour of my husband. I feel sick to my stomach, our child is hearing these arguments and I absolutely hate how it's upsetting her as well I've mentioned devorce to him, because he's making me out to be a monster for doing nothing wrong. He's quite happy to do so, but won't be paying anything for that either.

I have to get me and our child out of here don't I, surely this isn't normal is it. I feel so broken at this moment, struggling to understand my husband. Not sure who he is anymore.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 29/08/2020 20:52

New fencing and a bull?? Seriously, you need your dh on board or this is pointless. Have you contacted the police yet for the criminal damage to your fencing? I would send a solicitor’s letter to the idiot neighbour stating that he has no right of access and you will report criminal damage to the police. You can certainly ask the police to have words.

monkeymonkey2010 · 29/08/2020 23:36

well if your husband isn't going to help or protect you froma nasty, aggressive bully then you;re going to have to do it yourself.
Starting with the police.....

Barton10 · 30/08/2020 00:12

This may cause you problems when you come to sell, so get it stopped now. Solicitors letter and involve the police if he damages property. What a vile man hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
Cyanjade1 · 30/08/2020 03:11

Thank you all for your support, and offers of help. It means more than you'll know, just to know that you agree I'm not shit stirring and don't have problems in my head like my husband said.

It Is the 200 year old wall (not 400 year old wall lol) that i had posted about previously. Our solicitor said he cannot touch our wall and if he does we would have to get an injunction on him. Money we haven't got, due to Covid, but a possibility as he has very much threatened and his behaviour is such that he doesnt care.

Our solicitor told us to write him a letter. I wrote one but my husband refused to sign it with me and was not happy for me to send it. It's sat on the table back home.

I'm absolutely phuming and sick to my stomach with it all. We came away for two nights as a short break before our child returns to school (was already booked unfortunately). Hours before leaving I managed on my own to somewhat stick the broken fence posts back in. Our land was like a mud bath where the diggers and dumpers have been driven over it. The new neighbour has again thrown them in the bushes. I past them as we were leaving.

Now sleeping in a separate room to my husband on holiday. You're right, I've lost all respect for him and im very hurt by how he's turned on me for the neighbours wrong doing.

OP posts:
downtherabbitholewego · 30/08/2020 03:41

As others have said can you get the solicitor to write a letter and involve the police?? This needs to be settled in a legal sense because the neighbour clearly isn't going to take notice of your efforts alone.

Namechange2020onceagain · 30/08/2020 08:03

Whenever you see him on your land call the police, they won't come for just trespass, but they will for damage and threatening behaviour. Take video/photo for evidence and also the damage he is doing to your land.

I couldn't look at my "D"H if he did this to me, it's worse than the trespass. For him to say you are shit stirring is unbelievable. Surely it is a natural reaction to being invading by the neighbour.

Wish you the best of luck in getting this resolved.

PicsInRed · 30/08/2020 08:30

The solicitor can send the letter then it needn't be signed by you and your husband.

If this man won't even allow you to advocate for your joint property, how will he advocate for you if you get sick as you grow old? To side with such a man, and publicly, against you is unforgivable. There are likely other issues in the relationshop for this to have occurred and once the property issue is settled (and the house is again in a saleable position) I would reconsider the marriage.

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 08:39

Is your DH normally like this?

TellYourCatISaidHi · 30/08/2020 08:41

I’ve had minor issues in the past with my DH not supporting me in some situations, (he’s extremely shy and hates conflict), but when I’ve explained how it’s made me look/feel he’s been mortified and has made changes in how he responds to things. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you, has your solicitor had any more advice?

dontdisturbmenow · 30/08/2020 09:55

Your husband is entitled not to care about the neighbour going over your land and not wanting to spend money on solicitors.

To be honest, I'm like him. I think life is too short and fighting for your rights can often be more trouble than its worth. It would do my head in if my husband was on a war path like you seem to be.

PicsInRed · 30/08/2020 10:03

@dontdisturbmenow

Your husband is entitled not to care about the neighbour going over your land and not wanting to spend money on solicitors.

To be honest, I'm like him. I think life is too short and fighting for your rights can often be more trouble than its worth. It would do my head in if my husband was on a war path like you seem to be.

The previous thread made clear that this isn't a temporary access situation, it's a permanent land grab to enact a permanent right of way (and driveway iirc) which doesn't presently exist - and which would involve the new guy tearing down OP's own 200 year old wall, situated inside her property boundaries. There would be something quite amiss with anyone who didn't object to such a land grabbing and devaluing of their own property. Quite amiss.
Polyxena · 30/08/2020 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MactheRover · 30/08/2020 11:11

Well the neighbour and your DH are both cunts, one a bullying cunt and the other a cowardly cunt. I would sell the property, take my half and kick DH to the curb.

Dery · 30/08/2020 11:28

Hi OP - really sorry you're going through this.

I cannot understand why your neighbour thinks this is an acceptable way to behave. I suppose some people are just complete sh1ts and judge everyone else by their own thoughts and actions.

If he is tearing down fence posts and otherwise messing up your land, it sounds like he is committing criminal damage to your property and that is a police matter. You may find some helpful information about criminal damage at this link: www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/criminal-damage

The use of threatening behaviour may convert his trespass on your land into criminal trespass also: www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/trespass-and-nuisance-land (from that page, follow the link to the public order offences section). After all, he is effectively trying to steal your land.

So I think you can justifiably involve the police. It's a terrible shame because the last thing most of us want is to have the police involved in a relationship with a neighbour but the alternative is simply to capitulate. As your H has done.

fedupandlookingforchange · 30/08/2020 11:33

If the neighbour is threatening and damaging prop the police will help you.
Would your DH take notice if you explained how difficult it would be to sell the house with the neighbour and the access issue?
I think you may have to reconsider the long term with your DH unfortunately if he cannot see that his behaviour is also unacceptable

Yabberdabbado · 30/08/2020 11:33

I'd ignore your DH and instruct your solicitor to serve notice on the neighbour and get the police involved. Your DH just can't deal with the stress, he's still the same man but with no back bone.

JacobReesMogadishu · 30/08/2020 11:33

I like the idea of a big trench or massive rocks to stop access.

rainbowstardrops · 30/08/2020 11:41

I can understand that your DH might be scared of the neighbour and intimidated but I'd kick his sorry arse if he undermined me in front of the bully neighbour!
I'm not sure I could think positively about him after that.
What's he usually like?

Dery · 30/08/2020 11:55

"Would your DH take notice if you explained how difficult it would be to sell the house with the neighbour and the access issue?"

This also. Perhaps if your DH understood that this could have permanent repercussions for you, he would be more willing to stand his ground.

RogueV · 30/08/2020 12:01

Your DH is being a complete wuss Angry

AppleKatie · 30/08/2020 12:02

Tbh OP if my husband was as spectacularly useless and undermining of my POV in a dispute like this. And/or he used ‘you’ve got problems in your head’ as an argument against me I would be looking to sell up and take my 50% of the assets and the children far away from the tosser, and your neighbour.

nuttynutjob · 30/08/2020 12:04

Have you got house insurance, OP? The legal cover should help with the solicitor costs.

ukgift2016 · 30/08/2020 12:05

He is a wimp who is scared of the neighbor.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 30/08/2020 12:13

What does your DH say about the potentially huge loss in value to your own property? Surely losing thousands off a future sale doesnt sit right with him? I would also have no respect or confidence in his ability to protect you and your family and I would tell him that straight. It's not about being difficult over access, it's about the serious devaluing of your family assets.

NoToast · 30/08/2020 12:14

I remember reading about this in Legal and wondered how it was going for you. I don't think you're in the slightest bit unreasonable. A property is most people's biggest asset. I wouldn't give a stranger a thousand pounds out my pocket and likewise I wouldn't allow anyone to devalue or harm my property. I've been up against neighbour developers and insisted on party wall agreements etc. I know bullies and if you don't fight back they will just take more and more.

Some people just want an easy life. I've got a friend whose boyfriend couldn't understand why she prevented a neighbour 'harmlessly' tidying up a piece of land her mum owns. From her point of view it's creating a situation where the neighbour could claim adverse possession. Gates and fences and signs went up.