Divorcing due to my parenting style

[Flower999]

Hi all,
I am in the worst possible situation where about a year of abuse from my husband about the way I am raising my child that i have chosen my child over him. I have known for a long time that i have been emotionally abused by my husband but I tried to defend myself to the best of my ability and our arguments can go on for up to 5 days. The issue is that he constantly picks on my son and my son sometimes hears these conversations when he is at home. however my husband maintains that he is not directing what is says towards my sonbut rather to me but both my son and myself can only see it one way that he is attacking my son. He says that I am a slave to my son - here are some of things he says - I drive him to school and pick him up - i do this because I work from home. I drive him to his sporting activites - i think all parents do this. He cant stand the way he eats and what he eats - my son is a fussy eater. He says my son is selfish because he doesnt offer his scooter for his kids to ride. He says my son does not appreciate anything I do for him but in reality he does. When his children come to stay with us they will hug and kiss me which is great as his children are beautiful with great hearts.My son feels ackward to kiss of hug me - he is 15yo but I know he loves me. If my son comes back from his dads ( i am divorced and he stays with his dad every fort night) on sunday night and hes angry and wants me to cook him something then I get a huge lecture on why my ex cant feed his son. The list goes on and on but I think you get the idea on what is going on. I know that I am a good mum as my son is respectful and not rebellious. He is doing very well at school and always involved in activites. I realise there is a difference between my husbands children and my son but all of the kids get along really well. I am so distraught that the situation has got to this point but I have always stuck up for myself and my son but whatever I say goes no where.

You're doing the right thing and your son (and you!) will be so much happier without all the criticism and aggression.
Neither of you should have to put up with abuse. Your nerves must be shot.
Get free of your bullying husband and don't look back.

You're in a relationship with an arsehole. You're doing fine as a parent EXCEPT by having an arsehole on your home devaluing you're son. LTB and your life will improve dramatically.

Paragraphs are your friend!

You're absolutely doing the right thing.
Well done - your son will thank you for it, for choosing him over your wanker husband. Maybe not immediately but in the long run he certainly will.

I would stay with the arsehole but I am sensing a bit of a spoilt child. It me the presence of his step father that is making him like this but your son coming home and being angry and wanting you to cook for him? Not good behaviour.

*wouldnt not would stay with the arsehole!

I read this as your ds coming home angry and wanting food cooked. Is this correct? Your husband makes a huge thing of it. This sounds like a pattern.

You can only change your own behaviour. If it’s your ds causing a lot of arguments, step back and see this. Otherwise if it’s your husband, I agree, you save your child, not try to patch up your relationship.

Cross post with SonEt Lumiere. Very good points.

@Gingerkittykat paragraphs don't always show up especially when you post using the mobile app.

Without being there, it's really hard to know whether your husband is being emotionally abusive or whether he's just frustrated with seeing you spoil your son. He clearly has a good, loving relationship with his own children which suggests that he is a good parent. If his own children are affectionate and respectful, that would make it harder to see your son taking you for granted.

I was shocked when your son turned out to be 15. I thought that this was going to be about a young child, which made me initially sympathetic towards you and your ds.

A 15 year old should be more than capable of getting themselves to and from school without a lift from their parents. Many actually quite like walking or getting the bus or train with their friends because it's a time to socialise.

When he's coming back angry from his dad's, your post implies that he's demanding food rather than asking if you'll make him something or if it's OK to get himself something.

By all means leave your husband if you're not happy but do also try and have an objective look at your parenting and the way your son treats you. The current dynamic doesn't sound good for either of you.

Definitely choose your DH over your son but @cariadlet is absolutely right. You are babying a 15 year old who (assuming no special needs) would ideally be more independent that you describe.

Depends how near to school and clubs you live, and whether there is public transport.

If he could easily get there himself, then that is unusual and he could do with a bit more independence.

I was surprised from your description that your son was 15. My 2yo has a meltdown when asked to share his scooter and his toys but he's getting better at it...If there was another way for your 15yo to get to school/activities, I certainly wouldn't waste my time driving him except occasionally as a nice gesture.

Sorry, are you making food specifically for your son? Why can't he make himself a snack or cook for himself when he gets back on Sunday? It does sound a little like you've fallen into the habit of being his personal skivvy.

That sad, your DH is wrong to pick at your DS and, at this age, his eating habits are DS's business only and none of your DH's business. If he's making your DS's home unpleasant for him, clearly you need to protect your DS.

But please remember that your DS may be living away from home in a few years' time...You need to equip him with the skills to do this successfully.

I was with you until you said your son is 15. I pity the girl he ends up with, you are spoiling him
At 15 he can get himself to school and activities, he can also cook for himself when he is back from school
Stop this now before it’s too late. Does he do chores in the house?!

Do you think he'd be ready to live away from home at 18?

Wow another one shocked to see your child is 15! He won’t share his scooter?!

It’s hard to know how unreasonable your DH is really being from your post, but certainly it sounds like your DS is pretty spoilt from what you’ve said. Of course perfectly possible for DS to be spoilt and your DH still a dick.

Always always choose your son. Always.
If you are ‘spoiling ‘ him, I don’t think you are btw, it’s still none of his business.
Your son needs you to stick up for him against this man.

I don't get why everyone is jumping on the OP here?
Normally when someone says their spouse is not nice to/about their child then there are large cries of LTB!

In my experience, working with a number of youth groups, it's absolutely normal for teens to get lifts to and from activities -in fact it's very unusual for a young person not to either be picked up by a parent (or a friend's parent) and we would question this with an under 16

We don't know how old the other children are -are we comparing a 4/6 year old with a teen? -mine got considerably less affectionate in the mid teens and then more affectionate again as they reached older teens

Offering lifts too and from school is, as the OP says, a parenting choice -and working from home I could see this being a good way of punctuating the day -OP do you see this as your commute? I can see how this would work for you

Offering his scooter up to the step siblings? It may well be that he doesn't view this as a toy where as the younger ones might -and damage it
-people talk about the 15 year old showing more independence but he's not allowed autonomy over his own possessions??

@Flower999 -him coming back from his dad's and being angry etc isn't great, but I think you know this. I would imagine it's a reaction to the situation though -you do need to talk to him about how to handle this emotion/change as taking it out on you isn't ok

Everything else is absolutely in the realms of normal behaviour though and him being involved in activities etc is significantly better than him hanging around the streets in the evenings, getting up to goodness knows what

If you think that your husbands actions are affecting your child then you are probably right and are doing exactly the right thing putting your child first

I was wondering if angry was an autocorrect fail and should say hungry?

Hangry? It's often the same thing in teenage boys

Your son is 15? I was expecting 7 from your initial description.

Obviously choose your son over your dh. Your dh doesn't sound pleasant either. Try to look objectively at your sons attitude towards you. Is he respectful or does he strop to get his own way?

I do think you need to do more to encourage your son's independence, but I also think that a relationship involving frequent five day arguments is probably not one that is worth sustaining.

Define fussy eater. Because IMO what some people consider fussy others just consider to be different tastes.

So e.g.if your fifteen year old refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets and chips or toast and peanut butter then I would say that is fussy and I wouldn’t stand for it.

But if e.g. he just doesn’t like certain things which you do then I would likely accommodate. E.g. my DS who is now seventeen doesn’t like spicy things. I didn’t either at his age really. Spice is IMO an acquired tast and not everyone has it.

On the other hand he will eat most other foods so I just don’t cook things like curries when it’s just the two of us and wait until he’s out to maybe make a curry for me and my DP when he’s here. Last night for dinner we had sea bass with prawn risotto. By those standards I definitely don’t consider my DS to be a fussy eater. IYSWIM.

Lifts depend very much on where you live and the availability of e.g. public transport, and often the cost of it. We live in the London area so public transport isn’t an issue, plus I don’t drive so there is no choice but for DS to find his own way to school/activities. But e.g. my sister drives her kids to their activities although they catch the school bus to school so there is a middle ground.

It never ceases to amaze me when people seem to think that any child over the age of about eight should just be able to “cook himself something,” while that’s true in part, I also don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to ask if his mum could make him something to eat, but then everything is in the attitude.

My DS would ask, but he is also a perfectly good cook and would make something for himself, and even for me if necessary. But if he came home demanding then he would be told to cut the attitude.

And yes, I would be pissed off if an ex failed to provide dinner for his child while he was there...