Divorcing due to my parenting style

[Flower999]

Hi all,
I am in the worst possible situation where about a year of abuse from my husband about the way I am raising my child that i have chosen my child over him. I have known for a long time that i have been emotionally abused by my husband but I tried to defend myself to the best of my ability and our arguments can go on for up to 5 days. The issue is that he constantly picks on my son and my son sometimes hears these conversations when he is at home. however my husband maintains that he is not directing what is says towards my sonbut rather to me but both my son and myself can only see it one way that he is attacking my son. He says that I am a slave to my son - here are some of things he says - I drive him to school and pick him up - i do this because I work from home. I drive him to his sporting activites - i think all parents do this. He cant stand the way he eats and what he eats - my son is a fussy eater. He says my son is selfish because he doesnt offer his scooter for his kids to ride. He says my son does not appreciate anything I do for him but in reality he does. When his children come to stay with us they will hug and kiss me which is great as his children are beautiful with great hearts.My son feels ackward to kiss of hug me - he is 15yo but I know he loves me. If my son comes back from his dads ( i am divorced and he stays with his dad every fort night) on sunday night and hes angry and wants me to cook him something then I get a huge lecture on why my ex cant feed his son. The list goes on and on but I think you get the idea on what is going on. I know that I am a good mum as my son is respectful and not rebellious. He is doing very well at school and always involved in activites. I realise there is a difference between my husbands children and my son but all of the kids get along really well. I am so distraught that the situation has got to this point but I have always stuck up for myself and my son but whatever I say goes no where.

Your DH doesn't sound very pleasant, but I agree with pps that you do seem to be running after your son too much. I thought from the original post that he was a young child, not 15.

Bloody hell your husband is a twat, sounds like he can’t stand you or your son. Arguments that go on for 5 days, can’t imagine how damaging that is for the kids to be around.

And I don’t think you are spoiling your child, you’re just being a parent. In the world of MN a 15 year old should a be completely independent adult. Giving your child lifts and feeding them is very normal in the real world.
Time to get out of the marriage!

Does your ex feed your son on a Sunday? Or does he just want more food when he comes home? At 15 he really should be able to boil a pan of pasta and add some pesto, or is he incredibly fussy.

I think we need more details, like PP have said not sharing a scooter, he is 15. If you are driving him to school and back when does he use this scooter? How old are your step children?

I have teen sons and I am a SAHM, yet yesterday, like every Tuesday they stripped their beds and put them on to wash and dry, same with their towels. They empty the dishwasher on alternate days, are fully responsible for the bins and make at least one dinner a week. They are 17 and 14.

How far is the school, could he walk? It does sound like you are babying him but more details are needed.

Your title is wrong. It should read "Divorcing due to my husband's emotional abuse".

You've been married to this man for a long time. He should be a parent figure to your son, not picking at your parenting, criticising you in front of your son and putting you down. He can argue over an issue for days? Unbearable.

He should not be bad mouthing your son's father in front of him.

I don't think your comments indicate a spoilt child at all. You say he's well behaved, does well at school, gets along with his step siblings, has lots of friends.. hardly the signs of a selfish child who is babied.

Your comments indicate that you're living with an abusive bully who thinks he can lecture you with a barrage of insults. It's nothing but damaging.

Good luck with your divorce

@Flower999
I was surprised to read that your Son was 15!? I was expecting him to be much, much younger from the things you say you do ''for'' him.

Being ferried to school and back, and to activities , plus being cooked for doesn't sound like he is very independent.

Most kids of that age left ''mummy transport'' behind years ago - mainly because it would look so strange being ferried everywhere by mum :)

If you live in a very rural, remote, area, it's different, of course, but if in a City - It might be an idea to encourage a bit of independence.

Learning to cook, and at least take himself to school and back.

There’s also a difference in doing something sometimes and doing it always. Distances are also relevant and what the public transport options are ( does he have a bike?) If school is not that far away but you always drive him and pick him up then I would consider that unusual. I would also find it odd that a 15 year old would want to be picked up by his mum after school irrespective of how convenient it is for you. I’m also interested in the comment that you are a slave to your son. In what other ways other than your driving are you a slave? Is he independent in some ways? Does he sort his bedroom out? Contribute in some way with chores? I think teenage boys can be pretty lazy if allowed to be so perhaps that’s what frustrates your DH. That being said it doesn’t mean your DH has any justification in being a dick.

I would absolutely drive my children to school activities if I could, no matter what their age.

I always found those drives where where we chatted as we were alone and in close proximity.

Your husband sounds awful. Would he suddenly stop moaning about your son if he started to use public transport? Somehow I doubt it.

OP - understand your DH is far from being Mister Wonderful but remember your son will be ''moving on '' very soon because of his age and you can't make him the focus of your whole life.

I think it's entirely normal for a parent to cook for a 15 year-old how odd that people are making such an issue of this moot point.

Op mentioned her ds asking her to cook something to illustrate her dhs attitude. His response was hours lecturing Op that his father should be cooking for his son. It was a chance to deride and criticise the boy's father in front of the child.

It's plain nasty and nothing to do with wanting to foster a 15 year-olds independence.

Do what you think is right .. if you want to spoil your kid, drop him off, cook for him etc .. DO IT!

They fly the nest and you left alone .. enjoy these moments ..

Is your DH older? Over 50?
Society has changed so much in 30 years especially in regard to teens.
When I was a teenager 1990s we were expected to be very independent. My teen has been brought up like your son, and is happy and healthy, but I get agro similar to open, from my dad, in his 70s, which I can accept and brush off. However I also get agro about it from my naice mum friends who have younger children, and regularly ask how my teens social life is going (tragically in their eyes) before regailing me again with tales of the festivals and nightlife they were engrossed in from 14. They were from v well off families btw.

I don't know if they'll realise when their dc are 14 or if I'm missing a massive youth culture I've never been aware of.

Doesn't have to be 'very rural' - we live in a large village 5 miles from a large town and public transport consists of one bus an hour to/from the town from about 7am till 8pm. We have to drive our teens to activities outside the village.

I also thought maybe angry was a typo/autocorrect for hungry.

@SonEtLumiere

I appreciate you saying you are outside the UK as obviously different societies have different expectations.

I hope you are not inferring that I feel I am morally superior for working within the current safeguarding regulations and advisory guidance of the organisations I work with I certainly won't be throwing my hands up in horror

Just to add some further context so that you know what is also an expectation in some schools -any activity that finishes after 7pm at my local high school requires that a named adult collects the young person from the gate -right up to year 11 (so including 15 year olds)

Whilst I feel this is massively over zealous it does highlight that it's not unusual for a young person to be driven to and from activities

Maybe attitudes have changed regarding teenagers as parents do seem to 'helicopter' more these days. At 15, I, and most of my friends had weekend jobs, working in shops, collecting glasses down the pub or being a dogsbody in a kitchen somewhere. We had 'junior' bank accounts. We rode everywhere on bikes unless it was a late finish or far away. We all had to do the shopping on some days, sort out our own laundry, make pack lunches, help organise dinner and do other chores around the house. This was just, well normal. Sure, my mother would occasionally make my school lunch as a treat or my dad would do me a favour and drive across town to collect me from somewhere but these were the exceptions. What struck me at university were the number of people who literally could not heat up a tin of beans without fucking up, were utterly crap with money and were emotionally incontinent at being away from home for any length of time.

@SonEtLumiere

I don't get why everyone is jumping on the OP here? Normally when someone says their spouse is not nice to/about their child then there are large cries of LTB!

I don’t think anyone has said she should stay with her husband?

People are offering their view that, perhaps her son is behind the curve on having the skills of independence.

in fact it's very unusual for a young person not to either be picked up by a parent (or a friend's parent) and we would question this with an under 16

I just want to offer you a different perspective on this. I am not in the UK and what you are describing would be viewed with head shaking disgust where I live.
It’s one thing bringing to and collecting from a High Performance camp where they will be tired after several hours of training. But a local pitch 20 minutes away by bike or public transport:- the expectation is that young children can and should travel by themselves or public transport. School drop-offs are very strongly discouraged, by various social and physical measures.
The implication that a parent who doesn’t collect their under 16 is in some way deficient and needs to be told to pull their socks up by (a morally superior?) you is ghastly.

If a fifteen year old cannot use public transport, that’s actually very sad for them. Someone else asked whether he does/has been trained to do chores and I also wondered that.

Can I just ask the question: at what point would you say a child has been spoilt?

Just out of interest, where do you live SonEtLumiere?

It is one reason I have not remarried and not moved a new man in here - I don't want anyone else telling me what to do with my 5 children. Okay there are only 2 at home now as others have grown up and left but actually now I like my own space anyway in my 50s so cannot think of any reason I would want a man here. Also I want my children to get 100% of my money not a man getting any so another reason to be single after divorce.

in this case the new husband sounds very difficult. I would pick the son over him. First check the legal side eg if you own a property together with the new husband and that kind of thing.

I read angry as an auto correct or spelling mistake meaning hungry? Although at 15 I'd be telling him to grab himself something to eat.
School transport depends on accessibility I suppose. Most days my dd (12) gets the bus but occasionally I'll pick her up if she has a hobby that night and it'll be a rush due to bus times.
I wouldn't be impressed at not sharing with step siblings though.
At the end of the day we don't know the dynamics of your home but yes if you can't work out a middle ground with your partner then it's time to split.
Maybe have a look at building your sons independence a bit more.

You need to leave ASAP, why are you still with a man who emotionally abuses you but more importantly your son. Your son will suffer long term damage from this. Why are you still there?

Maybe your son is angry when he comes back from his dad because he dreads coming back to be faced with a barrage of criticism.

To me, it doesn’t sound like you baby your son. It’s your husband that is the problem.

Your husband does sound very jealous of your son, I’m not surprised your son comes back angry tbh I wouldn’t want to be around him if I was being watched closely and every move criticised.

I started up a new relationship last year. He had no kids I had DD 6

I ended things because he was showing controlling behaviour.

Almost all of it was around my parenting and communications with DD's dad.

New partner just didn't get it. It all stemmed IMO from him thinking he knew better ALL the time.

Why does your DHs opinion count more than yours? Who chooses what is Right or Wrong with a parenting style. In the end it's all subjective.

His reactions are the problem

We should be slow to judge the ops husband, he might be emotionallyabusive or he might be making some valid points that the op is mollycoddling her son. Making valid criticisms is not emotional abuse.

The core of the problem and arguments is a disagreement about parenting. Some of the pps have validated what you do and some are critical. Your husband is in team critical and he’s not going to leave it.

If this has led to you both arguing for days at a time then it’s not resolvable. And your lives together will be toxic. Just acknowledge this and end the relationship

I think your real issue here is with your son. Because there’s a subtext of mild dislike coming from you. Now maybe it’s being influenced by your husband. But there’s something not quite right there in your description of him.

I guess I "babied'" my DC then.
I ferried them everywhere as I enjoyed doing that. Cooked them their favourite meals.
They all grew up to be fully functioning adults who were able to live independently at 18.

Just leave this man, this is emotional abuse. You’re a good parent who cares so picking on your parenting will get him the emotional response he loves so much. Get out and be the great parent you are..Good luck