Divorcing due to my parenting style

[Flower999]

Hi all,
I am in the worst possible situation where about a year of abuse from my husband about the way I am raising my child that i have chosen my child over him. I have known for a long time that i have been emotionally abused by my husband but I tried to defend myself to the best of my ability and our arguments can go on for up to 5 days. The issue is that he constantly picks on my son and my son sometimes hears these conversations when he is at home. however my husband maintains that he is not directing what is says towards my sonbut rather to me but both my son and myself can only see it one way that he is attacking my son. He says that I am a slave to my son - here are some of things he says - I drive him to school and pick him up - i do this because I work from home. I drive him to his sporting activites - i think all parents do this. He cant stand the way he eats and what he eats - my son is a fussy eater. He says my son is selfish because he doesnt offer his scooter for his kids to ride. He says my son does not appreciate anything I do for him but in reality he does. When his children come to stay with us they will hug and kiss me which is great as his children are beautiful with great hearts.My son feels ackward to kiss of hug me - he is 15yo but I know he loves me. If my son comes back from his dads ( i am divorced and he stays with his dad every fort night) on sunday night and hes angry and wants me to cook him something then I get a huge lecture on why my ex cant feed his son. The list goes on and on but I think you get the idea on what is going on. I know that I am a good mum as my son is respectful and not rebellious. He is doing very well at school and always involved in activites. I realise there is a difference between my husbands children and my son but all of the kids get along really well. I am so distraught that the situation has got to this point but I have always stuck up for myself and my son but whatever I say goes no where.

You're allowed to choose your child over your husband. In fact, that's your job. You need to leave this man and any other time on MN, 99% of posters would agree.

If your son is a wee bit babied then I'm sure you can realise that for yourself and sort it out when you're not in a conflict situation which is probably making you over compensate.

This is more common than you think op. It’s not about your parenting style, some people are unable to accept someone else’s children. Both men and women. Sadly you married one.

You need to put your child first, so ending it is right.

@Gingerkittykat

Paragraphs are your friend!

Jeez the OP is suffering from emotional abuse and you're concerned about paragraphs?

In normal times, I would agree that the son should be learning how to get around by using public transport and not be relying totally on his mum. But these aren't normal times, and people are being strongly advised to avoid public transport if they can, so that it is as safe and non-crowded as possible for those who really need to use it. Under these circumstances, and since the OP can drive, it makes perfect sense for her to drive her son to places where possible.

I suspect that the 'comes home angry' was a typo for 'comes home hungry'. If it really was 'angry', then it sounds as though the son is having problems with his father and taking them out on his mother. Which he shouldn't; but it's unlikely that the stepfather's constant nagging and complaining will help.

It does sound as though this relationship is very problematic, and that your husband may be jealous of your son and/or his father.

I know it's horrible to hear but a lot of times some parents are jealous and are horrible and are resentful towards there chrildren.

It's good you put your son first because not many parents do that. But do take on board what your ex husband is saying also while it's important that you are your son gaurdian one day he is going to fly the nest. Spoilt kids often grow up to be unappreciative and often a sense of entitlement rather than gratitude. So it's important i think when your with your ex to support each other in parenting so your son sees you both as a team. If your always taking your son side and going against your ex your teaching your son not to respect his dad.

From reading your message how your son comes back from his dad and gives a big lecture about how his not feeding him property he sounds like his playing both of you. Maybe meet your significant other out of the house while your teenager is not there and set some clear boundaries while your son is not around.

kids learn from their environment. kids are born perfect but how they are exposed to certain circumstances that shape them as individuals.

Paragraphs! Paragraphs! Oh come on!

You say you've been with your husband for a long time. Does he have a relationship with your son? It sounds as though his role is to observe and criticise. Almost using your son as a stick to beat you with. He probably knows it will hurt you deeply to disparage your parenting.

Why doesn't he get involved in parenting if he feels so strongly? He could teach his step son to cook? Go along to a football match and cheer him on? Encourage and praise him and show him how to respect his mum by modelling that behaviour himself.

He's also comparing your son unfavourably with his own younger dc. Of course a 15 year-old boy doesn't cuddle and kiss you like his younger step siblings do. That's normal.

It's sad that your son is growing up in this toxic atmosphere. He must feel confused and alienated by your husband.

Is your son angry or your DH when he gets back from his dads and wants food? If it's your son then maybe your DH has a point? It's very hard for people to have a proper view of this with the information you've given tbh

Making valid criticisms is not emotional abuse.

You're new around here?

He’s still a child. Ds used to walk to school at that age, but l did ferry him places. And cooked his tea. Why wouldn’t l? I’m his mum.

People on here who only have experience of little children always judge what teens should be doing quite harshly.

I’d leave your other half though

@Northernparent68

We should be slow to judge the ops husband, he might be emotionallyabusive or he might be making some valid points that the op is mollycoddling her son. Making valid criticisms is not emotional abuse.

Valid criticisms that go on for 5 days at a time? Yeah, no.

I do think your husband is being mean and needs to back off. But you are also doing everything for your son, when he needs to do some of it himself. The atmosphere in the house is not good and I’d recommend you and DH live apart for a while to give you and your son space to just relax.

Your husband sounds unpleasant, you sound (too) nice, and your son sounds... Not very independent for a 15 year old. And perhaps a bit abusive towards you, to be honest.

The bit about having to feed him because he's "angry"? Did you mean hungry, or actually angry?
That doesn't sound right. A 15 year old can cook or buy their own food, and certainly shouldn't be shouting at their mum to feed them.
And them coming home hungry and angry from their dad's, makes me wonder what the dad is like, why you left them (or he left you), and whether the son is both being neglected by the dad, and starting to act like the dad.

You seem incredibly over-protective of your 15 year old, and I wonder why. What happened when they were little? How long have you been a single mum? Or trapped in an unhealthy relationship with their father?

OP: you know that thing where the adult Siverback gorilla ejects the Young males once they reach a certain age....

I used to work for a charity that supported homeless teens. The main reasons for young men to be homeless was fathers not accepting their gay sexuality and Mum’s new DP / DH pushing them out.

It is possible that your... attentiveness... to your Ds is making your DH jealous or resentful of the attention, but that doesn’t cover him in glory either.

And his way of dealing with it all is abusive.

You have two options really, OP - you can get assertive and refuse to let your DH do this and get him to back off. But can you? You are being quite cocooning of your son but hey, you are his mum and that is ultimately your decision. Or you can kick our DH.

Agree with DocOfTheBay well put.

You'll probably find that your son's independence and maturity improves greatly with your partner gone.

Part of becoming independent relies on self assurance and confidence in who you are. All the criticism and derision of your son (and his dad and you) are damaging to a teenager who is trying to work out what life is all about.

You probably feel that you have to sheild your ds from your dh's attitude and perhaps overcompensate due to that. I'm not surprised.

It could be the ds or dh. Suspect it's a bit of both. We don't have enough information

[quote worldweary45]@SonEtLumiere

I appreciate you saying you are outside the UK as obviously different societies have different expectations.

I hope you are not inferring that I feel I am morally superior for working within the current safeguarding regulations and advisory guidance of the organisations I work with I certainly won't be throwing my hands up in horror

Just to add some further context so that you know what is also an expectation in some schools -any activity that finishes after 7pm at my local high school requires that a named adult collects the young person from the gate -right up to year 11 (so including 15 year olds)

Whilst I feel this is massively over zealous it does highlight that it's not unusual for a young person to be driven to and from activities [/quote]
What happens if an adult can’t due to work or because the young person is a carer? Do they have to miss out on the activity rather than being able to get a bus home?

Ignore the annoying posters who are telling you your DS is mollycoddled and not independent. They’re making assumptions based solely on their own circumstances and haven’t considered that your circumstances might be very different.

I find it hilarious the idea that All teens travel into town by bus on a Saturday to meet friends and if you don’t do that, your life is somehow lacking. I’d have been very bored wandering aimlessly around a town if I’d have done that when I was a teen, or even now. I don’t see the point of going to the town or city unless you have a definite plan. It’s busy noisy and polluted.

There is no public transport where we live (or taxi companies) and so the majority of parents drive their children to school or they catch one of the two rural school busses depending on which direction they live in.

The nearest town is 8 miles away along narrow country roads so I have to drive my DS everywhere. The last time DS was on a bus was 3 years ago abroad in a city so he wouldn’t have a clue about how public transport operates and doesn’t need to know either, but he can learn that easily enough when he’s older.

I didn’t catch a bus on my own until I was 18 and attending college in the city 30 miles away from where I was living and it didn’t take me long to figure it out so it’s not something that requires years of practice to suss out.

I don’t think she is cocooning.

I’m a teacher, if we want kids to stay behind after school for catch up lessons, then parents have to agree to collect. It’s safeguarding.

To be honest your son sounds rather spoilt. It's normal to ferry children to sports etc. but the other stuff around him demanding food from you when he's angry

Too many men grow up molly coddled by mothers and as a result don't pull their weight in relationships as they're used to women running round them all the time. He's a teenager now, not 8, he needs to be helping round the house and building up some indenpence. He most certainly should not be demanding food from you like a servant when he's angry

*independence

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

I don’t think she is cocooning.

I’m a teacher, if we want kids to stay behind after school for catch up lessons, then parents have to agree to collect. It’s safeguarding.

So do pupils with working, ill or disabled parents who can't collect miss out on catch-up lessons?