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Relationships

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Original poster

Unemployed partner defaulting to stay at home dad

91 replies

Harmonysg85 · 25/08/2020 22:27

I’m just not sure how I feel about this and it isn’t sitting with me well! Please can I have some re-assurance from other mums out there that such a set up has worked for them? My daughter is 7 months old and whilst he is very good at doting on her I am quite panic stricken about how he is going to cope with this role!

This aside, feeling very frustrated that his inability to get/hold down a job means we have no choice but this set up. We live in an awkward place so I’m going to have to buy him/cover costs for a second car as there is no way he will manage it cope without. I would feel sooo much better about this if it was temporary but quite frankly this is beginning to feel like a get out clause for stepping up/ finding work and is leaving me under more financial pressure than I’m comfortable with!

OP posts:

Cheesypea · 25/08/2020 22:34

Mmm. Listen to your gut. Has he had your baby all day yet?

NotaCoolMum · 25/08/2020 22:34

There is no way I’d be happy with that... I’d rather be a single parent than have a DP that can’t/won’t hold down a job. Especially with a baby to look after!

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2020 22:42

No no no no no.

And if you split, he'll be able to claim main carer status and your daughter will live with him and you will pay maintenance.

If he's choosing this as a way of getting out of work - if he's that kind of person - you know which way this is going to go. Child in front of telly and DP on phone all day or trips to the park, baby groups and stimulation?

Don't fund a car. Tell him he has to get a job. Look into nursery. Are you already back at work?

Firefliess · 25/08/2020 22:45

Both working part time worked well for us. He won't really learn to look after DD as a primary carer unless your let him be in charge of her on his own. But if that's not what you want and you want to be at home with her some of the time, it's ok to say that to your OH and expect him to look for work too.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 25/08/2020 22:46

I’m going back to work next week and this is worrying me a huge amount! At the moment all incentive to develop the skills he needs to land the job of his dreams seems to be taking a back burner. What are my options though? If we split I can’t afford to pay child care :(

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 25/08/2020 22:48

Well, it depends on whether he thinks this is an easy way to not work or legitimate option for you as a family.

Dh has been sahd and it's worked well for us. There have been ups and downs along the way but overall it's been great.

category12 · 25/08/2020 22:48

I think the decision to have one of you home as a sahp should be a joint one. If it's not a situation you want, then you need to say so.

It doesn't sound like he's a particularly responsible guy if you think he can't hold down a job - if you have doubts about your future together, then definitely don't allow a situation where he is primary carer to develop.

BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 22:51

I wouldn’t be happy with this, not least because it wasn’t your agreed plan. The fact you say he can’t get or hold down a job is a bit worrying, it leaves you without much alternative.

But I wouldn’t be happy with a SAH partner full stop, just as DH wouldn’t be happy with me being a SAHM so perhaps my view is a bit coloured by that.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 25/08/2020 22:53

This worries me.. a great deal. At the moment we have no choice! Should I be worried? He is currently indulging in box sets rather than trying to change his situation despite worrying its going to be too much for him! I hate being the bread winner and so crave more of a financial partnership

OP posts:

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/08/2020 23:53

You are placing yourself at great risk here. If you split he could stay in the house, be a full time SAHD and you pay child support. Because his need is greater.

So please do nothing to enable this. Ensure he has no money from you. Buy the groceries yourself (order online) and tell him point blank he needs a job. And who gives an AF if it's his dream job. Who even has their dream job anyway.

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/08/2020 23:53

You should be worried. Very worried.

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 09:35

Please don't listen to all these people telling you to be worried. If your relationship is not on stable footing, then yes, be worried. If, as I said before, he is using this as an excuse to not find work and is unlikely to actually step up in any meaningful way as a SAHD, then again, be worried. But a man being a SAHD is not in itself a bad thing. And yes, if DH and I divorced and it got ugly, arguably he could say that he is the children's primary carer and should get more custody. I would hate that. I also concede that it would be inline with what the children have already experienced over the last 10 years.

Having said all that - most SAHP WANT to be with their children. And generally see their role in part to support the working parent - eg I work long and unpredictable hours and having DH at home is an absolute lifesaver. If he thinks he'll just be sitting around at home, occasionally feeding or changing the baby and watching box sets the rest of the time, then yes, you do have a bigger problem.

timeisnotaline · 26/08/2020 09:39

blingloving if course having a sahd partner can be great but it sounds like this guy falls into the be worried categories.
Very difficult op- will your salary cover any childcare to free him up to find a job? With the clear expectation you ask for part time once he has? And what if you don’t buy a car? He’s stuck in the house with baby or public transport dependent like many people - life is less fun but is there a real issue? ‘We will get a car when you get a job.’

Didiusfalco · 26/08/2020 09:40

You don’t have to agree with this. Tell him he needs to get a job, you are not keeping him. He needs to apply to supermarkets, deliveries etc while applying for the dream job. Definitely don’t finance a car for him. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that he is a SAHD and you are financing everything.

category12 · 26/08/2020 09:44

There's nothing worrying about a man being a sahp when it's agreed by both, and seems the best option for the family. There's something worrying about it if it's happening because the bloke can't keep a job.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 09:48

Nope, no, and hell to the no. It has to be agreed by both parties; not a default. I'd split up with anyone who couldn't keep a job. I'd tell him right now we're finished because it's not on to expect one person to do all the financials without agreement. If he's lazy that also means he'll likely be a shit SAHP who does FA.

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 09:58

Well, DH had jobs, but hated them (long story and all perfectly legitimate but won't bore you all here). But the point was that he was therefore THRILLED to be a SAHD instead. He felt he could do something he'd love AND that was worthwhile and he threw himself into it accordingly.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 26/08/2020 10:00

@Vodkacranberryplease

You are placing yourself at great risk here. If you split he could stay in the house, be a full time SAHD and you pay child support. Because his need is greater.

If a man on here were doing that to a SAHM they would (rightfully) point out how abusive it would be and tell them to leave. What a disgusting suggestion.

Themadcatparade · 26/08/2020 10:01

What happened to having faith in our partners?

If anything it will make him learn how to be a better father and raise his own child.

Could you imagine the situation in reverse, where he was saying all this stuff about him thinking you wouldn’t be able to cope looking after your own children?

Give it time and he will learn, if he’s not so hands on now at least he will have the opportunity to.

The job situation is the only worrying thing in this! But see it this way, raising children full time can be very stressful right? It might actually give him incentive to find a job and stay there!

Dery · 26/08/2020 10:02

As PP have said: some men make excellent SAHDs.

But it doesn't sound like your partner will do so. A good SAHP works extremely hard to keep their LO fed, watered, and more to the point stimulated and occupied with outings and age appropriate activities. It sounds like you are worried your partner will do the bare minimum (e.g. feed and change nappies). This will have a developmental impact on your baby so it is right to be worried about it.

Also, if you were to split, he will be deemed primary carer and retain primary care of your baby while you pay child maintenance.

So you are right to be concerned about this situation and not to allow you and your DD to drift into it.

What other childcare options do you have?

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/08/2020 10:08

You need to start making plans to get out, before he’s classed as primary carer.

daisypond · 26/08/2020 10:09

Well, it is common for one parent to stay at home with tiny children, and there’s no reason that can’t be the dad. I knew quite a few stay-at-home dads who didn’t work when their children were small. They were involved in the community, ran the local playgroup etc. They usually were the ones to stay at home because their wives earned more. But they were fully engaged in being a parent and it was a decision that was made before the child was born.

category12 · 26/08/2020 10:13

Being thrilled to do it is different to defaulting to it. And I do think that one of a couple becoming sahp should be agreed between them, not a unilateral decision by one.

Op hasn't really said a lot, so he could be: a great dad, just unlucky and losing jobs through no fault of his own, and she could be over-anxious about pfb.
Or he could be a man-child who only likes the fun bits of parenting and sees the sahp role as a easy option so he doesn't have to work.
Or somewhere in between.

FinnyStory · 26/08/2020 10:13

We'll never know without hearing his view but I think a lot of women jump at the chance to leave jobs they don't enjoy to become SAHM. That's not to say it's the only factor in their decision but it is a factor and I think there are plenty of men who don't love the pressure of being the only breadwinner, but are persuaded they need to do it for the benefit of the family/children.

Of course it should be a joint decision but I bet it's not as straightforward as it seems.

OP you had a child with him recently, so presumably you believed he would be a decent father not that long ago. What's changed? Is he OK? There has been so much turmoil in the world over the last few months and whilst in some sectors people have enjoyed a period of secure jobs and low workloads, in others it's been really tough. Was he able to get and hold down a job "before"?

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 10:19

@category12

Being thrilled to do it is different to defaulting to it. And I do think that one of a couple becoming sahp should be agreed between them, not a unilateral decision by one.

Yes, agree, OP needs to clarify. Because personally, I like to give people benefit of the doubt. OP in this case seems to have an issue with him being a SAHD because he can't hold down a job. But she has said nothing about why that is or how he would be as a SAHD.

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