Unemployed partner defaulting to stay at home dad

[Harmonysg85]

I’m just not sure how I feel about this and it isn’t sitting with me well! Please can I have some re-assurance from other mums out there that such a set up has worked for them? My daughter is 7 months old and whilst he is very good at doting on her I am quite panic stricken about how he is going to cope with this role!

This aside, feeling very frustrated that his inability to get/hold down a job means we have no choice but this set up. We live in an awkward place so I’m going to have to buy him/cover costs for a second car as there is no way he will manage it cope without. I would feel sooo much better about this if it was temporary but quite frankly this is beginning to feel like a get out clause for stepping up/ finding work and is leaving me under more financial pressure than I’m comfortable with!

Your second update puts an entirely different spin on it and you do sound a bit envious or hard done by. Your DH does the housework, the cooking, looks after the baby well, he’s been applying for jobs, and is also a bit depressed that he’s not getting a job. He’s not in fact watching box sets all the time. I think you should be more sympathetic. He can go along to baby groups if he wants - no need for the baby to miss out. But as others have said, there’s no need for groups at all at this age.

@Bluntness100

Interesting in just how different it is when it’s a man who is to be the sahp.

When it’s a woman, and even when her partner no longer agrees or doesn’t agree, people literally shout that she’s doing nothing wrong by not working, it’s her right and she’s entitled to and entitled to his money.

When it’s a man it’s “fuck him off”.

It’s worse than fuck him off. It’s cut of his money, don’t let him grocery shop, what if you split up, he’ll apply for custody and you’ll have to pay child support. But if it’s a woman splitting - you’ve been a SAHM, you’re the only carer they’ve ever known, you should defo get 90% custody no matter what. This thread has been really confronting to read, not least of which because he isn’t actually a lazy cocklodger. And the poster who doesn’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt? Charming.

My DH became a sahd by default really. He has had problems holding down jobs due to severe anxiety in the past. He had just finished a long term temp job which had really affected his mental health when I found out I was pregnant. We talked it through and as I'm the higher earner it was decided I would go back to work and he would stay at home with DS.

I have had times where I have hated it and been totally jealous of him and he has had times where it has been hard and over whelming but on the whole it has worked well.

There is absolutely no reason why it can't work as long as your partner is a good dad and will engage with a and care for your little one properly. If you have concerns regarding his ability as a father then there are different questions you need to be asking yourself.

This thread has been really confronting to read, not least of which because he isn’t actually a lazy cocklodger.

I've been on these threads before, including as the OP before DS was born, and am always a bit surprised at the attitude. Especially about not letting a man care for children in case of divorce. I come along suggesting that it's perfectly reasonable for man to be said if the work thing isn't working out and.... goes down like a lead balloon.

Some of the replies to this have been shocking. So what if the dad is a SAHP and gets “extra” custody and mum has to pay maintenance? Just because she’s a woman she should have the children automatically and be paid by their dad? That’s not how it works and I’m quite taken aback that people still think like this.

I think you either have a partnership with your OH and see everything as a team or you break up. To me, he is being an active dad, willing and able to look after your LO when you go back to work (personally I would rather a young baby was with daddy than at nursery, so would see it as an advantage) and he is still looking actively for jobs. I’m not sure what more you want from him? If for some other reason it isn’t working, leave him. But otherwise, then love & support him. If you were the man and he female then you would never have had comments suggesting financially and emotionally abusing him! It’s quite upsetting to read (I know OP didn’t write those to be fair). In terms of baby groups, I met several male friends at toddler groups. I wouldn’t go for a quite coffee date with them but I have happily hosted playdates and met them at the park. I don’t think other women are as prejudiced as you think they are.

“Some of the replies to this have been shocking. So what if the dad is a SAHP and gets “extra” custody and mum has to pay maintenance? Just because she’s a woman she should have the children automatically and be paid by their dad? That’s not how it works and I’m quite taken aback that people still think like this.“

I had to attend a mandatory ‘communicating better with your ex’ session that Family Court insists on for both parents when there’s a dispute about arrangements.

ALL of the women in that session held variations of the ‘automatically in their favour’ viewpoint, and most of the men on the course were directly or indirectly facing the consequences of THEIR ex partners also holding it.

It saddens me, but doesn’t surprise me at all, that it’s expressed so much on MN.

Tbh the bit that wouldn't sit well with me would be to be sharing a life with a man who wasn't capable of caring for his own child. But from what you're saying, OP, that isn't necessarily the case.

Dh and I shared childcare when dd was little and would have carried on doing so if we could have afforded it. In fact, my preferred option might well have been to have dh as the SAHP but it wasn't financially viable.

My db was a SAHP and that was absolutely fine.

As for missing out on toddler groups, your dd is 7 months old: most of her peers won't be breastfed for much longer and this is unlikely to be a problem. Not joining a toddler group won't be a problem either. Or he could set up a group for dads if you live in a large enough place.

Also quite shocked at how many people see as SAHM as entitled to family money but not a SAHD.

I think this thread has proven the old argument that men should earn more than women. Obviously, they are expected to support a family and provide for their wife on their wage but a woman's salary is all her own....shocking and really very disappointing.

Also quite shocked at how many people see as SAHM as entitled to family money but not a SAHD.
I think lots of people, like myself, understood the opening posts to say he didn’t do any parenting. He didn’t bother applying for work and played Xbox all day, so when op went back to work baby would be lucky to have a nappy change and some food over the day between Xbox. I don’t support generous shared funds for that! It does sound more like he will be parenting in which case money should of course be shared.

Yes, OP's original post said she was panic-stricken about him coping as a dad. Plus she said he couldn't hold down a job and that she thought it was a get-out clause so he didn't have to work, which doesn't sound like a responsible adult taking a responsible family-oriented decision, and to me it sounded like they have a rocky relationship with not much respect either way. In which case, creating a position where he is primary carer would be a mistake if they are likely to split and she wants to be RP. I think later posts have changed the scenario somewhat.

Of course a SAHD should have the same access to money as a SAHM does. I do think in either case the decision to stay at home should be jointly taken.

@FinnyStory

I think this thread has proven the old argument that men should earn more than women. Obviously, they are expected to support a family and provide for their wife on their wage but a woman's salary is all her own....shocking and really very disappointing.

Do you know, I think the thing it proves more is the also familiar situation that when it comes down to it, women do not believe that men have the best interests of their children at heart to the extent that they do, and they don't trust them to put their children first.

And sadly they would be right, a lot of the time. Men leave. Men abuse. Men put themselves first. NAMALT, but enough men that I would instinctively feel the same way about a box-set watching, not-quite-up-with-the-baby-care-even-after-7-months type dad who was suddenly wanting to be SAHD. No, red flags everywhere.

And I bet she's right.

I'd have no issues dh being the sahp if our family needed/benefited/could afford one parent to SAH. I don't see why he should be judged purely because he is male.

He sounds like he is trying to find work and can't. I'm not surprised in the current climate. Him SAHing benefits you all in terms of not worrying about finding and paying for childcare (v.v. expensive), or if your dd is sick (nursery mega strict what with covid) and having someone home to do housework/meal prep as the day and dc allows.

Was the plan always that you would both work ft with dc?

So I have no doubts at all that a SAHD can work really well and be great for the kids. But it reads here like he has taken all the choices away from you both and that this is not a joint decision? Many couples are happy with one partner staying home, but it means big financial sacrifices and I would be asking myself what happens in the future? For example, when the kids are at school will he still not wish to work even part time? When the kids are 18 will he still not want to work? Are you sure you are not in practice funding his very attractive lifestyle whilst you take all the stress?

Just catching up on these replies now and can see I’ve caused an element of confusion...
I love my partner very much and honestly can say he has done his best to pursue jobs/ unsuccessfully. I think the thing that concerns me is the financial pressure not having a job is putting on me long term (the longer he is unemployed the less likely it will be he finds work). Also, whilst genuinely doing great as a dad, it is just apparent to me that he is not wired the same way as me/(dare I say women?!) to cope with things when the going gets tough. My daughter is lovely but very highly strung! Of course I’m hoping he’ll rise to it, I just know it won’t be easy for him and worry about how he is going to cope with such long hours alone as a parent without a car. I suppose we cope by meeting up with other mums, having coffee and taking our babies to groups! I’m not quite sure how anyone would cope without those things!

I’d be really keen to hear other people’s experiences in a similar situation. When I first posted it was during a break from job hunting which I can see he needed but I think the panic had just made me not cope with him switching off as I’m just the sort of person who would spend every hour doing whatever it took to change things if they didn’t feel right.

Baby and toddler groups are open to men as well. But not everybody needs that sort of thing, I know I didn't enjoy it or find it useful. Just because it would work for you, doesn't mean it would for him.

This is not going to work for your family. it is as simple as that.

Tell him it's just not a positive solution and him being SAHD is going to mean a lot less money, NO downtime for him, and possibly him ending up unemployable.

@TheOrigBrave Me too. Custody of my then 3 and 6 yo went 50/50 six years ago (not through choice) despite me being very much the primary carer and ex-husband having very little to do with the kids up until that point.

Hmm I have experience of this. Ex dp did same. Have up his job forcing me to continue to work. Went on about being a sahd to allow me to work. Put ds in front of the TV all day and ex dp had daily naps. Left ds unattended several times. Has never contributed financially. I wish I had used a nursery and not enabled this cock lodging.

Something very like this happened to me (name changed).

My experience was very negative. My ex gave up trying to look for work - before eldest child was born he’d been doing so. He wouldn’t do any activities with our children, playgroups etc. I felt this disadvantaged them socially. The house was always a tip. I’d get home late & have to put kids to bed, clean do laundry etc. He didn’t even bath them.

He started using drugs quite heavily & became violent & threatening to me - on one occasion knelt on my buttocks smashing my face into floor. On another raped me. Took the kids with him to buy drugs. Drove them about while high. Frightened kids while shouting at them - couldn’t control his anger.

I was advised by my solicitor (actually, by two solicitors!) that if I left him he would - despite all the drugs violence & anger! - get full custody & the house. I’d end up paying the huge mortgage, living in a bedsit & seeing kids every other weekend. Because he was the ‘primary carer’ - absolute bullshit.

When I reported the violence to the police they told social services. Because I couldn’t leave him, I had to stop reporting the violence - I was afraid social services would require us to live separately & I’d have to leave the kids with him.

I spent years in a miserable relationship because I couldn’t leave him- when I’d never even wanted him to stay at home! I wanted him to get a job!

I was astonishingly lucky: his financial position changed (large & unexpected inheritance). I was able to do a deal with him- I wouldn’t make a claim against his money (he suddenly had lots, and wanted to keep it!) if I got primary custody of the children. Basically if it wasn’t for that I’d still be trapped.

This was some years ago & writing this makes me realise how awful it was. I would now advise anyone - male or female - to be very very very wary of having a full time stay at home partner. It can work, sure. But it can be a hideous trap. It was for me. Only do it if you’ve got a strong relationship, have talked it through, and crucially if it’s genuinely what you both want. It needs to be a conscious mutual decision, not something driven by one partner or that you just drift into.

@Vodkacranberryplease

You are placing yourself at great risk here. If you split he could stay in the house, be a full time SAHD and you pay child support. Because his need is greater.

So please do nothing to enable this. Ensure he has no money from you. Buy the groceries yourself (order online) and tell him point blank he needs a job. And who gives an AF if it's his dream job. Who even has their dream job anyway.

Would you tell a man the same about a woman deciding she's staying home with the baby? Make sure he has no way to get out the house with the baby or do anything fun with her, make sure he only eats the food you pick for him, basically trap him with no money? I'm sure that would be considered financial abuse if it were the other way round

He is now seeking whatever job he can get his hands on in addition to his area of expertise but I am just having a little panic about everything! You said you can't afford to have him cos if childcare, so will any random job that comes along be enough to cover childcare?

I doubt very much he will feel ok sitting in a circle of breastfeeding mums! Why would he have to sit in a circle of breastfeeding mums?? Given the drop off rate for bf beyond 6 months for a start, not to mention that activity groups, baby sensory etc people are unlikely to just be nursing their children. I can think of any groups I did with DS where they would have been the case.

This is a situation we have been almost forced into and I have been pleasantly surprised. I work 4 different jobs which equate to approx 50-60 hours per week.
DP left his job in February as there was a role in the pipeline which was guaranteed until Covid hit, so I have carried on working and he has been SAHD and it's worked lovely. 3 x DCs 15, 10 and 8 - he's done all home schooling, house work, washing, shopping, cooking etc
I'm not complaining, and actually now the guaranteed role is back on the table, I'm having second thoughts about him accepting it!

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. This is tragic to read and you sound very strong. I hope things are better in your life now and you are in a much happier, better place!