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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unemployed partner defaulting to stay at home dad

91 replies

Harmonysg85 · 25/08/2020 22:27

I’m just not sure how I feel about this and it isn’t sitting with me well! Please can I have some re-assurance from other mums out there that such a set up has worked for them? My daughter is 7 months old and whilst he is very good at doting on her I am quite panic stricken about how he is going to cope with this role!

This aside, feeling very frustrated that his inability to get/hold down a job means we have no choice but this set up. We live in an awkward place so I’m going to have to buy him/cover costs for a second car as there is no way he will manage it cope without. I would feel sooo much better about this if it was temporary but quite frankly this is beginning to feel like a get out clause for stepping up/ finding work and is leaving me under more financial pressure than I’m comfortable with!

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 26/08/2020 10:22

OP some more info is needed.
How long have you been with him?
What is he like to live with?
What was he doing and where was he living when you first met?

TheOrigBrave · 26/08/2020 11:26

@FizzyGreenWater

No no no no no.

And if you split, he'll be able to claim main carer status and your daughter will live with him and you will pay maintenance.

If he's choosing this as a way of getting out of work - if he's that kind of person - you know which way this is going to go. Child in front of telly and DP on phone all day or trips to the park, baby groups and stimulation?

Don't fund a car. Tell him he has to get a job. Look into nursery. Are you already back at work?

It is not true that the SAHM automatically gets residency of children and that the other pays maintenance.

I am testament to that.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2020 11:42

He is currently indulging in box sets rather than trying to change his situation

I'm surprised he has time, what with having taken over (or be learning how to take over) the daytime's share of cooking, cleaning, laundry, researching baby groups that might be open again soon, taking over proper daily care of your baby so she gets used to him, including night times - ?

Isn't he doing these things?

You don't have an enthusiastic SAHD on your hands. You have a lazy man with an eye to an easy life.

The person who will suffer here is your child (because believe me those box sets will continue when he has her on his own) and you (when you arrive home from a day's work to find a day's worth of washing/laundry still to do).

NO.

SBTLove · 26/08/2020 11:45

How long have you been together? and what are his reasons for not keeping a job?
Personally I wouldn’t entertain this nonsense, he could even get a pt job in the evenings/weekends.

LilyWater · 26/08/2020 12:00

Are there safety reasons which prevent him from looking after his own child?? If not, he is just as much a parent as you and it's much better for a child to be looked after by their own parent at that young age than put into childcare.

Bananalanacake · 26/08/2020 12:21

Was he working when you met him. Can he get back to the same line of work.

SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 12:38

I would have no respect for a man like that and it would be the end. Is he a stoner, or not even got that 'excuse?' (though stonerism would be even worse of course.)

Have you already gone off him?

If not, you could spell it out to him plainly that you need to see signs of him genuinely trying to get a job of any kind (the 'dream job' can be worked towards while he's in a job.)

If you'd still be on a low income, I think if he got a job you'd be entitled to the childcare element of UC. You could investigate.

But yes, tell him how you're feeling, as at the moment this risks you going off him completely.

PicsInRed · 26/08/2020 12:51

Actual SAHM Dad - doing everything a SAHM would do including mental load "wifework" and by mutual agreement? Great!

Cocklodging, which is what this fool is doing?

He needs to get a job or leave.

Rangoon · 26/08/2020 12:54

I generally don't like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I certainly wouldn't be giving your manipulative, work shy partner the benefit of any doubt. If he can't hold down a job I doubt that he is going to be much good at the child care. I wouldn't be buying him a car either. If the roles were reversed, do you think he would buy you a car? If you were my client I would be very concerned about you drifting into this arrangement. Can you imagine how you would feel going out to work to pay him maintenance while he does the bare minimum for your daughter? But wait, that's exactly what you're going to be doing now unless you take action. I suspect you will not be coming home to a tidy house with dinner cooked and the washing done either.

Sh05 · 26/08/2020 13:59

Will he be taking on the load of housework, shopping, cooking and everything else a sahm normally takes charge of or are you going to come home to a list of chores that are continuously piling up?

MrDarcysMa · 26/08/2020 14:01

Don't do this.

LilyLongJohn · 26/08/2020 14:04

There are lots of families out there that have no choice but to have one parent at home, it just happens that it's normally the woman who does this.

Why shouldn't he be a sahp? Lots of women stay at home due to having low paying jobs or who aren't career minded and want to stay at home and raise their children, I don't see this being any different. You can't judge him on how he'll cope until you've given him the chance to try. It's his child too after all. Just because he's not career minded doesn't make him a bad father.

LilyLongJohn · 26/08/2020 14:09

If the roles were reversed, do you think he would buy you a car?

They are in a relationship and have a child. The OP won't 'be buying him a car' the car will be bought out of family money! Just because she earns it, doesn't give her the final say over what it gets spent on.

She's already said she couldn't do her job without his help to look after their child, surely being a sahd has some value?

ForeverRedSkinhead · 26/08/2020 14:11

Only you know if this is the right thing op.

With my exh I'd never have agreed to being the breadwinner while he was a sahp. Sahp is code for ignoring the baby while playing on a console and leaving the big jobs for someone else , in his eyes. My dh however , I'd gladly do it this way , as he's a fab parent.

Middersweekly · 26/08/2020 14:11

I know of a few guys who were SAHD’s because their wives out earned them, so it made sense and personally it wouldn’t bother me so long as the child was properly cared for. What I wouldn’t appreciate is coming home to a bomb site of a home and a child with a saturated nappy down to its ankles who’s hungry/thirsty. What makes you think your DP isn’t capable of looking after your child?

SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 14:22

I wouldn't even be into a partner who was a SAHD who was really good.

I know it's my own issues but I would find it hard to respect a man who didn't have a job outside of the home, unless they did something WFH, but I think it's quite hard to land a job that's WFH from the start.

SBTLove · 26/08/2020 14:24

Regards buying a 2nd car, he can get up and run you to work, plenty parents mange this or without a car.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 26/08/2020 14:47

Ok just to clarify, he does help out with the housework, does most of the cooking and would never watch TV when looking after our daughter so I’m not worried about that. He has spent most of this summer with us and getting to know her routines etc so I think in theory he will be fine, I’m just conscious that this isn’t the ideal set up and wasn’t a plan either of us have chosen. He is now seeking whatever job he can get his hands on in addition to his area of expertise but I am just having a little panic about everything!

He has had many days of spending hours and hours applying for jobs, then struggles with the rejection which knocks him for one for a while and will have a few days off. This last two weeks I have suggested (which he has done) that he spend 1 hour and a half looking for jobs and try to just enjoy spending time with us/have a bit of a summer holiday before I go back next week.

I just can see his mental health taking a hit. He is actively trying to do something about that and is exercising consistently and popping out to surf when he can. I think the sad thing is just that he would like nothing better than to be given an opportunity to financially provide and no-one is giving him the chance! In the mean time I feel sad our daughter is going to miss out going to groups etc as I doubt very much he will feel ok sitting in a circle of breastfeeding mums!

OP posts:

BillMasen · 26/08/2020 15:30

Let’s see how a PP lands with the sex changed...

“You don’t have to agree with this. Tell her she needs to get a job, you are not keeping her. She needs to apply to supermarkets, deliveries etc while applying for the dream job. Definitely don’t finance a car for her. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that she is a SAHM and you are financing everything.”

“So please do nothing to enable this. Ensure she has no money from you. Buy the groceries yourself (order online) and tell her point blank she needs a job. And who gives an AF if it's her dream job.’

Can you seriously imagine these posts? There would be an outcry

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 15:42

OP, it sounds like him being a SAHD is not first choice for either of you. But, it also sounds like he could do it well enough that it could work for you as a family and going back from ML and having that support at home could be extremely useful.

The only slight concern would be you saying he wouldn't do groups because he doesn't want to sit with a bunch of BF women. My advice on this is that's fine, as long as he replaces it with something else. DH took the DC to active groups like music or sports (when they were older). When they were tiny, he dragged himself off to things like stay and play as needed but also found alternatives - eg one of their favourite activities was a long walk, often when DS would nap, followed by a trip to a coffee shop where DH would bring along a few toys and DS would happily play on his lap etc. He got to know various regulars who would all stop for a chat and/or cuddle with DS etc. He found a community soft play that was only open certain days but that was perfect for very small children who couldn't even crawl necessarily and they went there at least once a week - DH could smile and nod politely at the other parents but it wasn't necessary to bond. Also, we had a great NCT class with a number of women still on ML when I went back so they would invite him out with them and he'd go along to group activities with them eg rhyme time or similar. But he didn't do the coffees/lunches/breakfasts that I'd done with them because it just wasn't his scene.

He doesn't HAVE to do the exact same things you'd do. As long as he's not sitting at home all day every day, it's okay.

category12 · 26/08/2020 16:07

In the mean time I feel sad our daughter is going to miss out going to groups etc as I doubt very much he will feel ok sitting in a circle of breastfeeding mums!

Baby & toddler groups are overrated in my opinion - they're mostly for the parents to get out of the house. Your kid will mostly miss out on being bopped on the head by bigger kids. They don't really play together until they're a bit older. And there's no reason he couldn't attend if he felt it was something she'd benefit from.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2020 00:08

This is a completely different vibe- so he’s looking and seriously. The days off are neither here nor there, i was job hunting this year and you do get discouraged and need those. Plus he doesn’t sit on Xbox all day, he spends time parenting. The arrangement sounds fine then, it’s not forever but it’s a recession and jobs are hard to find. You might not have wanted to be breadwinner but relationships are give and take. If he got hit by a bus 5 years from now you might look back at this as ‘I might have hated it then but thank god I had to go to work and still have my foot in the door career wise.’

SoulofanAggron · 27/08/2020 00:21

He doesn't sound as bad in your latest post. So, which is it?

FinnyStory · 27/08/2020 09:04

Your second post makes the arrangement sound perfectly reasonable on a needs must basis.

I think it's understandable that you're a little jealous of the time he will have with DD but if you main concern is her missing out on baby groups, really don't worry about that, they're primarily for the benefit of the mums anyway.

As others have said, you wouldn't be buying him a car, you'd be buying a family car, just as he would if the roles were reversed.

However, you initial post spoke as if you'd leave if it weren't for the cost of childcare, is that really the case?

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 09:11

Interesting in just how different it is when it’s a man who is to be the sahp.

When it’s a woman, and even when her partner no longer agrees or doesn’t agree, people literally shout that she’s doing nothing wrong by not working, it’s her right and she’s entitled to and entitled to his money.

When it’s a man it’s “fuck him off”.

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