DP buying house 4 hours away

[LapisL]

I got together with someone about 6 months ago, obviously early days but we are in love and have discussed the future. We’ve discussed moving in together in the next 6 or so months but we’ve now hit our first big issue. I already own a home and he’s a first time buyer. He has recently been viewing houses near his parents who live 4 hours away from me. He says he wants it as an investment or rental property (because the plan is for him to move in with me) but it’s not a very good area for either of those and I don’t think he realises how much work and money a rental property takes up. I feel it’s a red flag as we’re supposed to be building a life together and he’s buying elsewhere, in an area I don’t particularly like that’s a long way from my work, friends and family. He thinks I’m being unreasonable as it’s his money (which is a fair point). I’d be interested to hear what others think.

6 months is a bit early to expect to have a say in his financial commitments?

It does sound tho, like his vision of his life plans lie closer to his parents/home area.

Seems sensible to me - if he’s going to move in with you, to a house you own, it gives him a foot on the property ladder.

Is it cheaper where he is trying to buy? I suppose he’s thinking about investing money but as you say, it may suggest that he would like to be near his parents

I probably would keep things slow for the time being - how old are you both, you have any children and does the plan involve children together? It is early days but having a ‘are we on the same page’ chat isn’t a bad thing

We’re both early 30s and have no children but would like them in the future. The area he wants to buy in is cheaper but he could still afford to buy much nearer to me (south east) in areas which would probably be better investment/rental choices. I don’t expect to have a say in how he spends his money but I’m worried, as a previous poster mentioned, that his life plans lie nearer his parents. He has even admitted this and I feel like I’m being pressured into eventually moving there, which I’ve made clear I don’t want to do.

I have also said that if we end up together long term and get married, I will sell my property and am willing to look in quite a large geographic area for something we both like. So I already feel like that’s quite a big step towards compromise.

Mumsnet is now advertising divorce lawyers to me 😂 Think it’s getting a bit ahead of itself!

It seems to be sending you a clear message about where he sees his future. Have you spoken honestly about where would you live and bring up a family?

You don't want the same things.

As he has already told you he wants to be closer to his parents, he isn't hiding anything.

OK, so he's already told you that his life plans lie back with his parents. This may well be a fixed point - certainly this house-buying intention indicates such.

In which case, all the compromising you're prepared to offer may not be enough. If you definitely don't want to ever move to his hometown, I'd be backing off.

He’s not planning to live in it so why does it matter that you don’t like the area? If you’re going to be together you’ll probably end up visiting there anyway to see his family.

I think 6 months is way way too early to stop him buying close to his parents. It would be unwise for any male or female to buy away from their family based on a very short relationship.
I would see it for what it is at present-a very short term thing no matter what your feelings are-and revisit in another 18 months once he has bought. You also shouldn't be considering buying together for a long while yet as you barely know each other really. Just be careful and dont move too quickly. If it is meant to be it will be.

And also, it does seem that the dynamic is for him to fit into your world. He is not being unreasonable to want to stay in his-presumably where his jobs and friends have been. Do you have older children?

It is early days I would say, but the fact he is not holding to see how the relationship develops before commuting to a house 4 hours away, speaks volumes to me. He is not as involved in this relationship as he claims to be.

Before committing not commuting

We have no children. His job is actually nearer to here (London-based) so I don’t understand his decision. Even he admits that it’d be tricky to live there given the job he does (there aren’t many jobs there full stop). I’ve said that I wouldn’t rule out moving there in the future but not anytime soon. I thought we were on the same page with wanting somewhere rural but it seems he is dead set on this particular place.

I should add that he currently lives in London.

Being a landlord is a big deal, not as easy as some people think. If a buy-to-let works out - yay for everyone, but sometimes you get unreasonable tenants. It's not a sure-fire way to make money. But it's his money, his investment decision.

Is he hoping his parents would be able to keep an eye on the place for him?

@Wheresthebiffer2

Being a landlord is a big deal, not as easy as some people think. If a buy-to-let works out - yay for everyone, but sometimes you get unreasonable tenants. It's not a sure-fire way to make money. But it's his money, his investment decision.

I agree and I don’t think he fully realises this. I need to ask if he’s planning to rely on his parents to help out.

Was going to post the same. Maybe his plan is for his parents to keep an eye on his rental hence buying near them.

You’ve only been together six months and it’s his money to do whatever he wants with it.
He could sell it in the future, but perhaps he wants to live near his parents when he does start a family.

He's not being unreasonable and he isn't hiding anything. It's sensible of him to want to be nearer to his parents if he is thinking of starting a family in the next few years. Having a support network around you is priceless. Is he northern?

If both of you want to be at opposite ends of the country then it's not going to work out.

@BlusteryShowers

He's not being unreasonable and he isn't hiding anything. It's sensible of him to want to be nearer to his parents if he is thinking of starting a family in the next few years. Having a support network around you is priceless. Is he northern?

If both of you want to be at opposite ends of the country then it's not going to work out.

It’s a good point about a support network but the same could be said for me. Nowhere is going to be close to both our sets of parents. I’ve shown willingness to consider quite a large geographical area in future and he seemed willing initially, but I feel like wanting to buy near his parents says otherwise. He’s annoyed with me questioning his level of commitment but I feel it’s a fair question.

What is his relationship with his parents like? Are you the brood mare and will you be slightly sidelined?

6 months in and already talking moving in together is a bit too soon! It's his house purchase and you don't have a say in it. It would be no different if you met him in a year's time and he told you he had an investment property near to where his parent's live. It is still very early days with you both and unfair of you to judge his choice.