DP buying house 4 hours away

[LapisL]

I got together with someone about 6 months ago, obviously early days but we are in love and have discussed the future. We’ve discussed moving in together in the next 6 or so months but we’ve now hit our first big issue. I already own a home and he’s a first time buyer. He has recently been viewing houses near his parents who live 4 hours away from me. He says he wants it as an investment or rental property (because the plan is for him to move in with me) but it’s not a very good area for either of those and I don’t think he realises how much work and money a rental property takes up. I feel it’s a red flag as we’re supposed to be building a life together and he’s buying elsewhere, in an area I don’t particularly like that’s a long way from my work, friends and family. He thinks I’m being unreasonable as it’s his money (which is a fair point). I’d be interested to hear what others think.

Jeez, I’d run a mile.........if I was him.

In case it’s relevant, I earn three times as much as him and he is stretching himself to the absolute financial limit to buy this flat.

Leaving aside the fact you sound as if you are rushing a little, he really should be paying attention to the fact that your income will still be needed when babies come along. In some ways you should be calling the shots on life plans in the medium term.

I wouldn't be questioning him on it at all. He's not your husband or even fiancé. He doesn't owe you anything and vice a versa.

It's far too soon to be thinking about buying houses, engagement, babies. You're still getting to know each other.

And if he definitely intends to move/base himself in an area of the country that you are positive you never want to live then it's game over already isn't it.

@LapisL

It’s unfair though to say that I’ve latched on to the first suitable man. I was single for a long time by choice and I’ve been very careful about what I’m looking for.

Then he has a lot going for him. So let the relationship blossom, trying to nail it down will kill it. A relationship is the magic between two people it can't be forced into a shape. You sound intelligent and the sorry if person who is brilliant at making things happen, very much in the driving seat of life. Which is probably why you feel so uncomfortable when things happen which are out of your choosing. But you are two not one and he has his own ideas which must be respected or you won't last anyway. As much as you may feel like a roller coaster cart with the brakes off when something big is happening that you would do differently/not at all you need to step back and notice that your reaction stems more from the issues you mentioned than the situation itself. Then you can try to be objective, remind yourself that other choices can be made further down the line that could change his property ownership situation again and that's ok. Six months in should be fun. Enjoy getting to know him some more but leave him to make this decision, give him advise if he asks but don't damn your future on it.

Terrible auto correct errors in that message sorry

Due to my age, I’ve made it clear right from the start that I want to be engaged within 18 months of moving in with someone or break up.

Whatever your age is, putting a timetable on a relationship is a bad idea. That's how you get people doggedly going into marriage knowing their relationship is on its last legs, divorcing a year later, ad pissing off all the people who bought wedding gifts. Love happens organically, and so should commitment.

Issuing men with ultimatums so early is not a good plan. You can of course choose not to continue the relationship if no proposal is making an appearance around 12-18 month mark ( I think this is a good idea if you're of a certain age and want to get married) but telling him this so early just puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on a fledgling relationship. This could be his subtle way of backing off. I wouldn't move him in to your house and become essentially his landlady. Recipe for disaster. I would lighten up, date him and watch his behaviour.

Regarding the team thing, it upsets me that he says “we are a team” but he’s not acting like it with this decision

OP, I hear what you're saying about abandonment issues and it's great you're having therapy to address your worrying.

I would be wary of anyone who says "we're a team" and acts like your committed partner after six months though - I'd be concerned that he's telling you what you want to hear and/or love-bombing you to suit his own agenda. It's concerning that he knows you have abandonment issues but has decided to overcommit this early on. It might be fine but it could be a sign that he has his own issues and/or is out for himself.

It's very difficult to see the wood for trees in relationships when you're still working through you own issues and I can honestly say that none of the relationships I've had while still working through my own MH issues were particularly healthy (and some were downright abusive).

If I were you, I would take your disproportionate worries about this issue as a warning sign that you're probably not in the right place to commit or make huge life decisions at the moment anyway. I'd take things slowly with the boyfriend, concentrate on therapy and understanding yourself better, and focus on what's best for you rather than what some dude you've been dating for a few months ago is doing with his savings.

Sounds like he's happy to go along with the moving forward stuff that benefits him, like moving in, but the other bigger life choices are very clearly about him and not a future with you.

Ok, 6 months in that's sensible.

But it would then be sensible in return for you to calmly point this out, say that that tells you that you need more time to get to know one another before he moves in (you hardly want to move someone in when there's a few signs that they aren't as serious as you - really at 6 months you should ideally give it more time anyway).

Nobody is wrong, but this sounds like a good moment to highlight where you want things to go and be clear. Clear, for example, that you have no interest in moving to where his parents are, and are unlikely to change your mind on that :)

Be interesting to see his reaction if you said let's not move in together just yet.

If he was my son, I would be offering to buy him a pair of trainers, so he could run like the wind.

Too many red flags all of them hoisted by you

Thank you to those who have taken the time to answer kind, thoughtful messages. To others, I appreciate your points but you could have put them across in a kinder way rather than taking cheap shot at someone who’s already feeling low.

I’m going to step away from this thread now because I don’t want to read any more posts attacking me, but I’m truly grateful for those who have tried to help. I’ll have a good think about what you’ve said.

Hi OP,

I thought you might need a calm sensible post after all the posters who are mean to you.

You are obviously bright, successful and ambitious and this is how you also approach relationships - well done you. All of my friends who married successfully approached their relationship like a project and that is what all women need to do seeing as all the downside risk is on them if after DC it all goes wrong.

I would reconsider moving in with this man and I would be clear that I did not want to move to his someplace. If you do not want to move there, DO NOT pretend to want to - that leads to resentment and divorce later on, most likely when you have 2 or 3 DC.

It seems as if he is keen to move back to where his parents live but I have a friend who bought a cheaper starter home close to her parents (it was too expensive for her to buy in the city where she worked) and it went into negative equity (some people on MN seem to believe property prices only rise) and her DH and herself could not buy a property together until it was all paid off. So if this investment goes wrong, it will impact on you both buying together down the line.

If I were you, I would hold off on moving in together - as others have said, if you move in together you are funding his investment as it is cheaper than his current rental - and see how things evolve over the coming months.

Good luck OP - put yourself and your own MH first

@FinallyFluid

If he was my son, I would be offering to buy him a pair of trainers, so he could run like the wind.

Too many red flags all of them hoisted by you

I agree! Or my daughter.

Actions speak louder than words and his are loud and clear.

OP, I wanted to share my experience... when my DH and I first met, we lived 3 hours from each other. 6 months later, I moved 3 hours further. We obviously had conversations about where our relationship was headed and were clear that we would remain committed to each other.

The next 6 months or so, we lived a great life, one weekend I would fly to his city/nearby city and the alternative weekend he would do the same with me. We also spend weekends alone, went on holidays and took time off work to spend with each other.

Around 6 months later, maybe longer, I got a job near him and we moved in together. We're now married and have kids together.

Take it in your stride and just see what happens! I think we were really fortunate and we're now not dependant on each other despite him earning much more than me and us having joint finances.

Hope things go well for you OP. If you come back, to pick up on your wish to be engaged, I know you see this as an important symbol of commitment but beyond the sentiment, it’s not really significant. Loads of people on here seem to have been engaged for years if not decades and it doesn’t cost a man anything to be engaged (okay, maybe a ring), if you want to get married then find someone who wants to whisk you down the aisle, not someone who’ll agree to the idea but then stalls at that point.

You've only been together for 6 months. Sounds a bit controlling/obsessive over him to be saying you don't like the area, not near your own life etc. when it's completely nothing to do with you and he's not asking you to live there

Things may be going well now but it's early days and it's not a given that the relationship will last . Based on his actions, looks like he's thinking along these lines and is taking a sensible decision to invest in a property, which will benefit him regardless. I guess he plans to use it as a rental if the relationship ends up going the distance, or live in it if the relationship ends up not working out. For your own sake, you need to keep things in the present moment and stop being over-invested when you don't even know him fully yet. Make sure you don't sacrifice anything for him and keep your own independence. Whatever he may be saying to you, he's certainly not getting carried away the way you are and is thinking with both feet on the ground. You therefore need to do the same.

TBH I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be engaged after 18 months. Far far far too many women let men string them along for years (or even decades!) while giving the man their best years and essentially providing the man with all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment (buying a house is a legal commitment to the mortgage lender, having a child is a commitment to the child, only marriage is a legal commitment to another person). Therefore whenever a woman actually puts her foot down and is brave enough to go against the current societal tide of letting a man dictate, it's not surprising you'll be faced with a barrage of people chastising you for daring communicate your commitment wants to a man.

I completely agree with you Lilywater, but at the same time you can't expect a person to know in the early days how they will feel at 18 months. So absolutely, at 18 months be prepared to have a plan for the future or walk away, and even let them know that is what is in your mind to do. But to expect a person to be able to give those more 'mature relationship' assurances they will be forging a future with you in the 'getting to know you' stages isn't realistic, which seemed to be the case here.

Genuine question for the women on here who say ditch a relationship if a proposal isn’t forthcoming. Why is it so important to get married? I’ve been with my partner for four years, I’m 39, he’s 43, we’re not married nor do we have a particular desire to be.
I have several friends in long term relationships - some +10 years, with children and not married. Perfectly happy with this.

@AspiringAmazon

Genuine question for the women on here who say ditch a relationship if a proposal isn’t forthcoming. Why is it so important to get married? I’ve been with my partner for four years, I’m 39, he’s 43, we’re not married nor do we have a particular desire to be. I have several friends in long term relationships - some +10 years, with children and not married. Perfectly happy with this.

It is a huge risk to have a baby with a man who you are not married to. It is the ultimate commitment where they put their money where their mouth is. Women who think engagement is the same or that it is just a piece of paper are naive. Most women take a career hit when they have children. Most men dont. That man could leave when the kids are teens and you would be entitled to nothing. You have no legal protection in the event of death. Not marrying is a huge risk for women. If you are unmarried i would suggest to never give up work and keep separate finances preferably with your own home, pension and savings or as shared tenants in a joint home. I know too many older women who have been screwed by the unmarried situation, where the children are grown so they are not eligible for benefits, have no career but minimum wage work after years at home, no entitlement to partners pension or assets despite sacrificing their own to raise his children and who are looking at old age in rented poverty and alone. Marriage protects a womans future if she is the primary care giver or lower earner

For me, a long term relationship should be about building a future together. That may or may not mean marriage (though for me it did) but it's just, not drifting, and going into your future together as an active choice that you are each others partner, whatever that entails.

If you are unmarried i would suggest to never give up work and keep separate finances

This! Do not go part-time, reduce hours, etc. whilst enabling the other party to keep on with their lives uninterrupted, and make sure the baby has both surnames. Make all finances proportionally equal including pensions and paying for childcare and housing.