DP buying house 4 hours away

[LapisL]

I got together with someone about 6 months ago, obviously early days but we are in love and have discussed the future. We’ve discussed moving in together in the next 6 or so months but we’ve now hit our first big issue. I already own a home and he’s a first time buyer. He has recently been viewing houses near his parents who live 4 hours away from me. He says he wants it as an investment or rental property (because the plan is for him to move in with me) but it’s not a very good area for either of those and I don’t think he realises how much work and money a rental property takes up. I feel it’s a red flag as we’re supposed to be building a life together and he’s buying elsewhere, in an area I don’t particularly like that’s a long way from my work, friends and family. He thinks I’m being unreasonable as it’s his money (which is a fair point). I’d be interested to hear what others think.

One of my 'hats' is property rental, and have a sibling doing the same. It is hard work and risky, and there is a huge learning curve when you start out. Some landlords struggle to make any profit if they have a significant mortgage on a property. The Government have changed tax law in recent years so landlords cannot claim back mortgage interest as an expense. Your partner needs to take advice, and make a financial plan to determine if he could afford to buy a property and have a defaulting tenant in there who may cause damage. The Government have a no-eviction rule at the moment for tenants affected by COVID.

Aside from practicality, I would advise you to think carefully about this relationship. While property investment is his business, if he then chooses to live with you then your financial expectations of him need to be clarified ahead of this event. He may think he is going to live with you for a while with no/low outgoings to build his capital. You will have no automatic claim over his capital without marriage. Don't get yourself into a situation of financially subsidising your boyfriend, especially with such a new relationship. It starts a slippery path into cocklodging and resentment on both sides.

So is he hoping to move into your house then? How's that going to work financially? At the start of a BTL I imagine all his money will be taken up on making that work for him.

He will pay rent to me when he moves in, but less than he’s currently paying to rent in London. In case it’s relevant, I earn three times as much as him and he is stretching himself to the absolute financial limit to buy this flat.

if he then chooses to live with you then your financial expectations of him need to be clarified ahead of this event. He may think he is going to live with you for a while with no/low outgoings to build his capital. You will have no automatic claim over his capital without marriage. Don't get yourself into a situation of financially subsidising your boyfriend, especially with such a new relationship. It starts a slippery path into cocklodging and resentment on both sides.

Very much this. If he's planning on buying on his own, where does that leave your plans to move in together? Will he be able to pay his own mortgage and contribute fairly to living together expenses or will he be expecting you to subsidise him - and if he can afford to pay his way, will you be risking him getting a claim on your property?

Makes sense to get on the property ladder where you can afford it but he will need a property management company if his parents aren't taking care of things. Seems he's attached to his family roots and will want to go 'home' in the future. London is full of people passing through. Where else could you both move to?

It sounds like there is a communication issue. He has said he wants to live near his parents and you have said you will consider that in the future. From his perspective this but probably seems like a good start with that step in the future.
You say you e said you are willing to consider a large geographical area which you see as your part of a compromise... is he aware that you see this as your compromise? As it sounds like he still thinks you’re open to moving to his area in the future.
As for the buying and renting thing, that really is entirely his business. You can ask how he sees this thing into your future together but he is entitled to want to move back to his area in the future and if this is something you aren’t going to entertain you should make that clear now.
I certainly hope to move back to where I’m from in the future, living close to a city is a necessity for this part of my life but with a view to moving nearer family eventually.

Yes the same goes for you re support network which is why I think ultimately the relationship might not work out.

If this is an issue now, it will be an even bigger issue when children are on the scene and one or both of you are pissed off that you don't have the extended family lifestyle you envision. One will be the winner and the other the loser, and it will come up every time you have a row.

It might make sense to buy a BTL property near family if the plan is for them to keep an eye on the place and/or be able to deal with the odd emergency. It's better than buying it in some random area and buying near London would likely cost far more so it does seem to make sense that he's chosen there, IMO.

I don't see why his buying a house there makes it any more likely that you'd have to settle down there than it is that you'd have to settle down in your current property, OP.

Unless there's something else you're worried about here, I wouldn't see the house purchase as a nail in the coffin, relationship-wise.

Getting ahead of yourself after six months and worrying about the next twenty years with him might be a red flag to him, though! Do you think you might be catastrophising a little bit here?

I’ve said that I wouldn’t rule out moving there in the future but not anytime soon

If you don't want to live there don't make vague promises like this. He will read it as 'she will move to be with me'. Instead, be clear re what you want, and, in this, make sure that the chosen options benefit you and your financial and personal situation.

I think it's probably a mistake to move in together so early in the relationship unless you can both genuinely view it as a casual arrangement that suits you both at the moment.

It looks as though he's moving in with you because it's simply cheaper and convenient for him, without any of the committment to longer term aim of marriage, children and building a life together etc etc. Whilst that's all very understandable given you've only been together 6 months, it's already causing considerable problems, in that he is making other long term plans (buying the property near his parents) without any imput from you, the consequences of which you may be saddled with should you end up staying together. The house could become a financial burden (bad tenants, or/and negative equity) or he may want you to move into it in the future.

If he did view your relationship as a longer term arrangement, surely he would be interested in taking your views into account more, despite the short time you 've been together? I'd be very wary of investing too much in this relationship...

Also, speaking as a landlord myself, it's quite difficult to manage a property from a distance of 4 hours travel away. This could also impact on your weekends etc if he has to attend the property. I'd also add that in certain areas away from the SE England property prices don't increase much over time, so it may not gain much capital value even in a healthy economy. For those reasons, buying in the SE is probably a much better finacial investment.

@LapisL

He will pay rent to me when he moves in, but less than he’s currently paying to rent in London. In case it’s relevant, I earn three times as much as him and he is stretching himself to the absolute financial limit to buy this flat.

But he is clearly seeing himself as a separate entity in the decisions that he is making now, so your finances on nothing to do with him at all. The fact you earn more doesn't mean that he should pay less. He is not acting as though you're both a team and you have no obligation to do so either.

@LonginesPrime

It might make sense to buy a BTL property near family if the plan is for them to keep an eye on the place and/or be able to deal with the odd emergency. It's better than buying it in some random area and buying near London would likely cost far more so it does seem to make sense that he's chosen there, IMO.

I don't see why his buying a house there makes it any more likely that you'd have to settle down there than it is that you'd have to settle down in your current property, OP.

Unless there's something else you're worried about here, I wouldn't see the house purchase as a nail in the coffin, relationship-wise.

Getting ahead of yourself after six months and worrying about the next twenty years with him might be a red flag to him, though! Do you think you might be catastrophising a little bit here?

Yes, I have a tendency to catastrophise and I also have abandonment issues, which are probably relevant here. I’ve been having therapy on and off for years and my boyfriend is supportive of my issues and does a lot to try to reassure me.

@MadinMarch

I think it's probably a mistake to move in together so early in the relationship unless you can both genuinely view it as a casual arrangement that suits you both at the moment.

It looks as though he's moving in with you because it's simply cheaper and convenient for him, without any of the committment to longer term aim of marriage, children and building a life together etc etc. Whilst that's all very understandable given you've only been together 6 months, it's already causing considerable problems, in that he is making other long term plans (buying the property near his parents) without any imput from you, the consequences of which you may be saddled with should you end up staying together. The house could become a financial burden (bad tenants, or/and negative equity) or he may want you to move into it in the future.

If he did view your relationship as a longer term arrangement, surely he would be interested in taking your views into account more, despite the short time you 've been together? I'd be very wary of investing too much in this relationship...

Also, speaking as a landlord myself, it's quite difficult to manage a property from a distance of 4 hours travel away. This could also impact on your weekends etc if he has to attend the property. I'd also add that in certain areas away from the SE England property prices don't increase much over time, so it may not gain much capital value even in a healthy economy. For those reasons, buying in the SE is probably a much better finacial investment.

Due to my age, I’ve made it clear right from the start that I want to be engaged within 18 months of moving in with someone or break up. He has said all along that he is happy with this and I will stick to it (whether with him or with another partner in the future).

Regarding the team thing, it upsets me that he says “we are a team” but he’s not acting like it with this decision. I’ve told him that I hate the flat he likes the most (for what are very valid reasons that quite a few people would share) and I’ve made it clear I will not be spending time there if he chooses that one. He’s backed off the urgency of making an offer on it but he still seems keen. I’d feel more comfortable if he at least chose a property that I didn’t hate.

You barely know him yet, and already you've picked up a potential red flag regarding his attitudes to money, property, his future, and longterm commitment. You're right. This does not sound like someone planning a lifetime with you.

Its too soon to let him move in . You have everything to gain by both staying fully independent.

Wait and see if he's telling the truth about his ability or intention to buy property and let it out.

Or will he realise his mistake, struggle to find reliable tenants, to pay for his mortgage , and either, ask you for money, or expect you to pay all the bills while he lives off you.

I live in London and lots of my friends bought their first house further north (Cumbria, Leicester etc) simply because it was so much cheaper and they could let it out to pay the mortgage.
They’re now starting to buy their second properties down South which they plan to live in. In fact, one now has 4 properties he’s renting out due to some smart investing so it can work very well

I think there are red flags all over this relationship. Mostly being waved by your I’m honest. I’d be very uneasy about your future planning at 6 months. I’m sorry but you are still dating and getting to know each other. If you are on a mission to get married on 18 months then, yes he probably isn’t really as into that as he says he is. But I’d have done a runner by now.

He is making a financial investment. Perhaps not a good one but that can easily be established with some realistic calculations.

So you've been together for 6 months, are already talking about moving in together, and you feel you have the right to control his finances?
You have also told him that he needs to propose within 18 months of moving in or you'll leave him, and he wants to buy an investment property (with his own money) but you will only be happy if it's something you like and in an area you'd prefer.

Not being funny but you sound very suffocating, whether you have previous issues or not, and if this was roles reversed I think the red flags would be about you....

Not trying to sound harsh, but I don't think you're ready for a relationship right now, and maybe do need to have more therapy to deal with the issues you have already discussed.

If he isn't well off he would be sensible to be making a pragmatic choice of getting on the property ladder asap (which since he lives in London obviously means any property he buys isn't going to be geographically close to him), it makes sense therefore, to do it near his family if they are the type to be a proxy for him. My sister did this from Australia! She was on the other side of the world and bought a cheap terrace in a run down town, it was near our parents, they were able to help with practical things. She is still in Australia years later and the house has since been sold, but it served it's purpose at the time.

I think you will struggle to have an open conversation with him when you are reading so much into this before he has hardly even opened his mouth about it. For a 6 month relationship that is too much, he might not even be thinking about it that deeply, he might just be aware he will fall behind if he doesn't do 'something'.

Woah I’ve just read your latest post, you’ve told him he needs to propose with 18 months of moving in together or leave?! I’d be running for the hills if I were him.

I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself OP. You’ve been together for 6 months so met in February, we were in lockdown for a good 3 months so unless you were breaking the rules how much time have you actually spent together?? I think you need to chill out and see what happens

It sounds to me like he is giving you as much commitment as you could possibly reasonably give anyone at six months in... If he was any more 'fully committed' you'd be in love-bombing possible stalker territory, things have to progress at a natural pace even if you have at the back of your mind that at 18 months in you want to have a clear idea where is going out you'll call it a day... You're going to suffocate this relationship to death if you're not careful. This is a massive self fulfilling prophecy situation.

@LemonTT

I think there are red flags all over this relationship. Mostly being waved by your I’m honest. I’d be very uneasy about your future planning at 6 months. I’m sorry but you are still dating and getting to know each other. If you are on a mission to get married on 18 months then, yes he probably isn’t really as into that as he says he is. But I’d have done a runner by now.

He is making a financial investment. Perhaps not a good one but that can easily be established with some realistic calculations.

This. You're calling him 'DP', but you don't live together and he's now showing you he's still seeing you as girlfriend material, just giving you lip service to keep you sweet. You're over here ready to move hours and hours away, planning marriage and babies, questioning his financial decisions, etc because your biological clock is ticking. His is not.

You sound rather suffocating and clingy, tbh, and ready to latch onto any suitable man to get the marriage and babies going.

Sorry, but I agree with heycorona, this is too much too soon.

He's not a 'partner' yet, he's showing you that you're his girlfriend.

Thanks - some of that was hard to read but so helpful to get some outside perspectives.

I think he's got a lot of courage to be in a relationship where he has to be able to give so much assurance up front even while you're still in the getting to know each other stage. He must be really keen!
Let some oxygen in. If you two do decide to go beyond the discussing it stage and bond your lives together, the house can be sold and become part of the capital you have available for whatever comes next. Houses can be sold as well as bought.
Try to remember that your worst case scenario version of his motives are just one possiblity, his motives are entirely possible to be nothing to do with his feelings about your relationship

It’s unfair though to say that I’ve latched on to the first suitable man. I was single for a long time by choice and I’ve been very careful about what I’m looking for.