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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i be worried?

138 replies

nappyaddict · 04/10/2007 22:08

i spoke to dp at lunch time and he said he would text me or speak to me on msn when he got in from work.

we always see eachother everynight unless something major has happened like the other week his car got broken into so i didn't see him after we'd made plans.

we didn't make definite plans but i assumed we would talk about what we were going to do when i spoke to him at 5.

anyway i haven't heard from him since. i have sent 3 text messages and rang 3 or 4 times.

at first i thought he might have lost his phone, but then surely he'd try and contact me through msn or facebook.

then i thought maybe he's had to work late. last week they had a power cut so they are behind and maybe they want to be on top of things before the end of the week and he doesn't want to have to work late tomorrow. but then i thought surely he would have got in touch to let me know.

so now i'm going out of my mind worrying what is going on. ok so maybe he's just fallen asleep but for almost 4 hours? and why wouldn't you set an alarm if you knew you were meant to see your gf or at least get in touch to say you were going to have a sleep first.

maybe i have high expectations?

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 11/10/2007 12:44

Little story for you NA _ just incase you're bored while staring at your phone

Not long after dp and i got together (aged 19 with 2yr old dd) he thought I needed him so much he could do whatever he liked ( i admit i was very clingy - had not long come out an abusive relationship, was as low as i've ever been and very insecure) we disagreed about something i felt very strongly about he got really angry and hit the door putting a tiny hole in it so I kicked him out for a few days. It was really hard not to phone him and beg him to come home (we had been living together about a year by this point) but I didn't phone him or ask him to see me I knew if it was going to work long term I had to show him I won't be walked all over (one bloke had already done that and damaged me very badly)
Of course I was scared he would be having so much fun without me that he wouldn't come back. But a couple of days went by and he phoned asking to see me and i refused said I was too angry and hurt and didn't want to see him - I had never ever said that to him ever the next day he begged me to see him I still said no, when he phoned me again I said I was ready to see him if he was going to apolgise and never behave like a twat again. We have been together 6yrs now, i'm much better and not so clingy and of oucrse we've grown up alot and are very happy generally.

I guess the moral of the story is you are stronger than you think and men need us too.

The saying about if you love them let them go and if they come back then its meant to be or something like that is so true!

LoveMyGirls · 11/10/2007 12:48

Oops meant to say the funny bit of the story..there was me thinking he woiuld be out having so much fun...turned out he had gone to stay with his friend (being too embarrassed to go back to his parents) his friend lived miles from anywhere and he didn't have a car, there was 1 light bulb so they had to take it room to room, then the electric went completely and there was no heating - So when he came back to our nice cosy house, he was very chuffed!!!

He basically saw the grass was not greener without me and though i was high matentaince it wasn't as hard as having no-where to go, course he could have gone home to his mum but he would have felt very silly, you know what men and their pride are like, he'd rather beg me than go home!

Original poster

nappyaddict · 11/10/2007 13:33

i have just arranged to go out for dinner with some friends. i may still see him tonight but tell him it will have to be after i've done that. not sure yet.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 13:43

IMO hun you might as well just get it over and done with, even if he does want a break, he's not being a total tosser and doing it through a text or something like that.just bite the bullet and get it over with, and like you say you can enjoy your weekend then without it hanging over you like a raincloud x

Carmenere · 11/10/2007 13:56

Hold on a minute NA, I've been following this but may have missed something here. This bloke is going to dump you yes? And you are faffing around with arranging to meet him so he can dump you? Why don't you just ring him and say that tbh you are not bothered with meeting up, you've got the message and don't want to waste an evening on meeting up to be dumped. end of story.
I'm sorry but game playing doesn't work, don't put yourself through the agony of it. Mr right won't need to be enticed to appreciate you

Original poster

nappyaddict · 11/10/2007 14:01

no i just think he is going to dump me. his actual words were i'm not sure i want to be in this relationship, i need some time to think.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 14:08

why dont u just ring him and ask if he is going to finish it because you have a busy schedule

Original poster

nappyaddict · 11/10/2007 14:11

because you lot have all been telling me i must not ring or text him

OP posts:

wannaBe · 11/10/2007 18:40

Have followed this thread, and I have to say i agree with Carmenere. Playing games invariably doesn't work - if he wanted to be with you he would be, he's already said he doesn't know if he wants to be in this relationship so tbh I would just ring him and say that you had fun and you'll see him around. Really don't know what there can be to talk about face to face?

Move on.

warthog · 11/10/2007 19:43

i'm with wannabe i'm afraid. move on. just phone him and say it's over.

orangegerbera · 12/10/2007 00:48

Let's look at the harsh truth. In one month only he has had a car break-in, a power cut and such bad illness he cannot work a mobile phone... He's either married or got serious commitments elsewhere. I am sorry but I have been there. if he was as into it as you, that phone would not only be on, but it would be ringing YOU uneccessarily, just to hear your voice. Have you been to his house, met any of his family? If not, why not? Find someone who deserves your loving affection and attention.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 12/10/2007 16:54

yes i've met all his friends, stayed over at his house twice a week and met his mum and dad. all those things really did happen. i saw the broken glass in the car.

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 12/10/2007 16:54

i have wondered if he's met someone else in the last week though.

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 12/10/2007 20:00

well there's no one else. basically he doesn't know what he wants. typical man.

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 13/10/2007 11:29

so ..... it turns out there are 3 main things bothering him.

that he will get attached to ds and he's worried about how that would make him feel if we ever split up
he wants more time to himself
he's scared of commitment even though he's had long term relationships before he said they weren't as close as what we are and that scares him.

how can i reassure him?

i have told him he won't get very attached to ds for ages yet cos of the hours he works and when ds goes to bed the only time ds would ever see him would be a sunday morning and most of those the bf is in bed!! and i've told him it's no good saying what if we split up cos what if we don't?

i've told him i need more time to myself too. i've realised this week how much i've enjoyed catching up with my friends and how much i've missed them.

the only thing is the commitment thing. i've told him there's nothing to be scared of but i don't know how to reassure him or even if i can.

he looked so worried and confused when i spoke to him i just wanted to wrap him up like a little baby and make it all go away.

i know you all probably think i'm stupid for not telling him to get stuffed but i felt so sorry for him not having a clue what was goin g on in his head.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 13/10/2007 21:27

aww hun you are so not stupid, you deserve to be happy and like you say he may well be the "one", but i will say if he starts to dick you about again then you need to re evaluate the situation hun.i hope things go great for you x x x x x

Original poster

nappyaddict · 14/10/2007 10:38

well he asked me if he could see me today. note i didn't ask him. he asked me. can only mean good things. fingers crossed. i did drunkenly ring him lots last night at 3am ... luckily for me he didn't answer!!

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 15/10/2007 23:36

just for you newlifenewname or whatever your halloween get up is

well he never got in touch about meeting yesterday but i did text him in the morning to say it was a bit hectic cos i had ds' swimming lesson, then work, then i was going for a drink with my mates. very almost text him today to see if he wanted to go for a drink but stopped myself.

OP posts:

newknifenewslain · 15/10/2007 23:43

Right just caught up!

Can I say I told you so??!!!

Original poster

nappyaddict · 15/10/2007 23:45

told me so about what?

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newknifenewslain · 15/10/2007 23:48

The being scared thing. Remember I said when it gets good they get scared sometimes...and run!?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/10/2007 00:02

oh yes. it's just i couldn't understand why he'd be scared when he's had long term relationships before. you were right i was wrong. happy now?

OP posts:

newknifenewslain · 16/10/2007 00:03

noooooo, I was just hoping you had a hallelujah moment. sorry I wa jesting.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/10/2007 00:04

i was joking silly

just re read my post and realised my happy now comment could be seen as a sulky comment.

OP posts:

newknifenewslain · 16/10/2007 00:06

;) I was thinking she sounds a leeetle bit pissed off with me for giving super dooper advice ! rofl

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