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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i be worried?

138 replies

nappyaddict · 04/10/2007 22:08

i spoke to dp at lunch time and he said he would text me or speak to me on msn when he got in from work.

we always see eachother everynight unless something major has happened like the other week his car got broken into so i didn't see him after we'd made plans.

we didn't make definite plans but i assumed we would talk about what we were going to do when i spoke to him at 5.

anyway i haven't heard from him since. i have sent 3 text messages and rang 3 or 4 times.

at first i thought he might have lost his phone, but then surely he'd try and contact me through msn or facebook.

then i thought maybe he's had to work late. last week they had a power cut so they are behind and maybe they want to be on top of things before the end of the week and he doesn't want to have to work late tomorrow. but then i thought surely he would have got in touch to let me know.

so now i'm going out of my mind worrying what is going on. ok so maybe he's just fallen asleep but for almost 4 hours? and why wouldn't you set an alarm if you knew you were meant to see your gf or at least get in touch to say you were going to have a sleep first.

maybe i have high expectations?

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 08:35

i just wish he'd let me know either way. i hate the not knowing.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 09/10/2007 08:38

NA - DUMP him. Im sorry this sounds harsh but something you said in your earlier thread has rung alarm bells. The reason he likes you is because you dont mind if he doesnt text or contact for ages?????? Sorry but this man is a selfish twunt. Dont read any further if you dont want some painful home truths

Yes you are clingy, but he is making you that way by breaking promises etc. Ive been there with DP but in a different way, i was a single mum when we met, i was very dependant on him and more or less expected him to spend all of his time with me (this was alleviated because we lived 50 miles apart at the time).I'm still clingy, im still dependant (more so since dd2 born) and i know he preferred the more independent me, but thats another story. The point im trying to make is this: My clinginess never ever bothered him, i used to apologise for it, he used to say "thats ok babe, you're just loving is all" . So the difference is the guys im afraid, if he was really into you then the clinginess wouldn;t bother him. If it appears to be scaring him off its because he is too self absorbed to give a shit. He blatantly isnt the ONE and i wouldnt waste anymore of my affection on him.

Its easy for me to give that advice because i have been where you are with selfish twunts in the past too and i was just the same as you, exactly the same. I was so scared of being alone that i accepted being treated badly. How does this guy show you that he cares? Does he take you out, does he spoil you with a choccy bar from time to time, when you go out is it just you two, or do you have to tag along with his friends too? Or, and this is the big one, does he just appear when he wants a shag?

Sorry, im blunt, but i think that all needed to be said as you deserve better, you are a great mnetter and i just think you are being given a rough deal here.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 08:45

that's the thing he does spoil me. we do go out just the 2 of us, we go for meals which he insists he pays for, we'll go out to the pub and he'll buy me drinks, i do go out with his friends too but we spend a lot of time just us 2.

if i'd thought he just wanted a shag i would have finished it long ago.

when i said i didn't care about him not getting in contact for a while i meant like for the day or for the night just cos i understand he has other things to do when hes not with me, but not a whole 24 hours. even though it is now more like 30 odd hours

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 08:57

How long have you been seeing him?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 08:58

not very long at all which is why i can understand him wanting space. which i would readily agree to. i was only thinking at the weekend we've got into this far too deep too soon we should have some space from one another. but if that's what he wants to do surely he could just tell me and not just go off and do it.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 09:02

I was seeing a guy for about 4 weeks, seemed to all be going well, got on really well etc etc then one day he stopped calling etc turned out he'd gone out and bumped into an ex girlfriend and I was no longer required - he didn't bother telling me this i found out from his mate (who happens to now be my dp!) so I still see this guy 6 yrs on - we're really good mates but the us thing wasn't meant to be.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes things happen for a reason which is unclear at the time and though it is painful it's better in the end.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 09:03

i had wondered if it was something to do with an ex. we've seen her out twice in the last week. but he was quite clear he didn't like her very much.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 09:07

It may not be the same in your case as mine, just saying we've all been there y'know.

The guy I was seeing is now single again, it didn't work out with the ex, it didnt work out with the next one or the one after that and so on the latest one had a ds and lived with him so he did the whole settling down thing, i thought she was the one, obviously not. Where as dp and I have been living together about 6yrs have a dd2 together and are really happy. So it all worked out fine in the end

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 10:48

well it seems quite obvious he is just ignoring me now.

he has a break at 10 at work so i rang off my mums phone it rang, but went to answerphone. i rang back and it was swtiched off.

i think there's my answer.

OP posts:

berrybliss · 09/10/2007 11:09

Stop calling him.

Your probably driving him mad! Clingness isn't an attractive quality. You need him to chase you! He'll ring when he's ready the more you try and contact him the less he'll want to talk to you. Just give him some space. Your just upsetting yourself. Busy yourself with something else. pamper yourself or do something fun with your LO!

warthog · 09/10/2007 11:14

look, you've got to stop harrassing him. you are pushing the door closed not opening it. back off. for days, not just hours.

he'll phone if he's still interested.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 11:26

ok i am deleting his number ...... now. i am writing it down and getting my mum to hide it.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 11:55

It's for the best i promise, concentrate on pampering yourself so by the time he next see's you (and that could be anytime So make sure you look your best!) you will be glowing with gorgeousness he won't be able to resist and by then you may have moved on and will have the pleasure of turning him down!

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 12:14

would it be ok to try and contact him in say 2 days?

OP posts:

pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 12:34

I would want to also - just liek you but in honesty, after 2 days of no contact and no visits from policeman to say he has been found in a ditch (sorry if that sounds crass) then you have your answers and it won't help your self esteem to hear it from him at that point.

I did exactly this myself just weeks ago so I know. Don't call.

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 12:36

Honestly? NO!

Make out you don't give a shit I bet he will be running back thinking he's blown it.

Every bloke i've ever known has crawled back at some point.

loopylou6 · 09/10/2007 12:36

NA no it wouldnt, if hes till hasnt contacted u in 2 days,isnt very obvious that hes just not interested?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 12:54

i suppose.

men.

[sigh]

OP posts:

Amethyst8 · 09/10/2007 13:08

Am 36 years old and I have been "around the block" a few times and the one thing that I know in all my dealings with men and it took me a long time to learn is DO NOT CALL HIM. It is so hard I know but it is the one thing I wish I had know when I was younger. I have ended up feeling like such a t*at on so many occasions, an awful lot of my relationship regrets revolve around wishing I had just left things alone on the telephone front. Also know that men can and do regain interest if you back off. Have a friend standing by who will not crumble and let you ring him and ring her instead when the temptation is too much. Do some stuff on your Facebook that does not involve him so if he does look he will see that you are carrying on just fine and having huge amounts of fun without him.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 13:13

unfortunately he does not look at facebook very often but on the off chance he does i am going to announce my plans for this evening on my status! good idea. i'm not used to having to play games. i don't like it.

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Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 13:14

and basically what you're saying is if i keep ringing he won't regain interest but if i don't ring he might?

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 09/10/2007 13:16

It's more likely he will be more interested if you leave him alone. But I wouldn't wait for him.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 13:17

why the hell don't they teach you this stuff at school!!

OP posts:

Amethyst8 · 09/10/2007 13:24

TBH if you keep ringing that is the quickest way to make him lose interest completely but if he is just wavering then not ringing may make him start thinking. If he doesnt ring then you will know. You may think you want some "closure" but in my experience the actual "conversation" will always, always make you feel worse. Don t ring and you can lick your wounds in private and keep your dignity and then when you see him you will look gorgeous and happy not a big snivelling mess that ends up saying things like "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS - sniff, sniff, sob, sob", or "BUT I LOVE YOU", believe me I have been there.

Games are crap, yes. Don t look upon it as a game just get on with things but do some things to make yourself feel better, take some movie quizzes or add some applications, nothing obvious. Just while away some time.

Don t think you will ever speak to anyone who knows how you feel as much as I do. I used to have no self control whatsoever when it came to this sort of thing. Is only age that has made me see what a tit I used to be. .

Original poster

nappyaddict · 09/10/2007 13:26

never mind. he's got in touch. he said he's not sure he wants this relationship anymore and we need to talk. it's not looking good.

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