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Original poster

continuing life after an affair

100 replies

kiwibella · 24/08/2020 19:24

I’d like advice or to hear experiences from couples who have remained together after one partner has committed adultery.
My husband’s affair was recently outed. I don’t see us separating, for many reasons. Not least because we don’t want to.
We’ve been together more than 26 years and have three (Young) adult children.
He answers my questions about why it happened and how it went on for six months. This doesn’t make the knowing and dealing with this damage any easier. Their affair is definitely over.
How can I feel reassured to trust him once more and work on reviving my marriage.

OP posts:
Raidblunner · 24/08/2020 20:12

Chances are at the moment and for a considerate amount of time, you will not be able to trust your husband. Your trust was earned over the entire course of your marriage and he's completely shattered that. It could take years if you ever get back to a place of trusting him again. Clearly you still love him to be contemplating it, personally from bitter experience and statistically, the majority of relationships never recover their essence after an infidelity. Why settle for something tarnished and second best.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2020 20:14

My husband’s affair was recently outed.

Did he come clean on his own accord or was he caught?

Faith50 · 24/08/2020 20:24

I am so sorry Flowers

Who ended the affair?
Is your dh willing to attend counselling and put in the work? It is hard work to reconcile after an affair. It can be exhausting and consuming.

AllsortsofAwkward · 24/08/2020 20:25

Can i ask why can't you separate why isnt it an option if you have adult dc?

firecracker69 · 24/08/2020 20:29

He cheated. I discovered it, he didn't admit it for ages. I initially thought we could work through it. In reality, I'd accepted his infidelity and pretty much given him permission to continue to be sleazy. Of course he told me the affair was over. He too answered all my questions. But how do we know they're giving the full truth? Once the trust has been broken it's very hard to trust them again. They say what you want to hear. "I'll get counselling. I don't love her, I love you. It's over. Still not the same with her." He continued to sneak around because that's what people do who cheat. I kicked him out and have never looked back. I simply cannot tolerate lies, deceit or infidelity.

lockdownlush · 24/08/2020 20:41

I'm sorry but here I am this evening on a Monday drowning my sorrows in wine .. guess what, my cheater barstard husband 2.5 years on still makes my skin crawl. It's killed me, I'm a shell of my former self and need to get me and my children away from this man. I loved him, with all my heart! Never did I think this would happen to me.. it did, ten fold. You never forget and it eats you up inside 😔

firecracker69 · 24/08/2020 20:43

@lockdownlush ❤️❤️❤️ I've been there, it's fucking awful.

Prettybluepigeons · 24/08/2020 20:44

I wouldn't be able to get past it I'm afraid.

Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 20:47

I think realistically you need to let go of the expectations that he will be faithful. Unless you can point to a reason why it happened and you have both changed whatever that is completely.

Otherwise regardless of what he says forgiving is tacit approval to keep doing it. Your actions are saying something different to your words and it's that he's listening to.

But if you have forgiven you can probably tolerate it as long as it's not in your face.

Meanwhile I suppose marriage counselling of some sort. Though a good book and a lot of chats might do a similar thing.

Original poster
kiwibella · 24/08/2020 20:49

@Aquamarine1029

My husband’s affair was recently outed.

Did he come clean on his own accord or was he caught?

No. It had become knowledge amongst his group of friends. They were going to tell me but I saw a message that he had left open. He never denied anything. What I keep grappling with is that many marriages do continue. I can't see how they can ever be the same. I also struggle with talking to friends. I don't have many close friends and most are friends of us both. I don't want to hear what they went through. I need someone to listen to me and tell me what a wanker he was. We have arranged counselling. Obviously something was lacking in our relationship for him to have needed to feel loved in that way. We were still very sexual, even during his affair. He sounds like a textbook explaining how he enjoyed being desired. She offered her attention and affection on a plate and he loved it.
OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 24/08/2020 20:51

You hsvent answer.my.quedtion why isn't leaving an opinion? You basically telling him its OK to have an open relationship where is the anger? Where is the consequences.

Anordinarymum · 24/08/2020 20:51

Your last sentence here says you are in denial since you are blaming her and he loved it. Tacky

Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 20:52

So it was simply an ego boost? Not that there was no love or sex between you?

Guessing she wasn't the first and she won't be the last. Also guessing she was much younger and a colleague/student of his.

Well I'll say it. What a wanker.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2020 20:52

Obviously something was lacking in our relationship for him to have needed to feel loved in that way.

Sounds to me as though you are blaming yourself for his actions. This betrayal is ALL on him. He's the one who decided you and your marriage weren't enough to be faithful for. If he hadn't of been caught, he'd still be with her. Think about that.

cptartapp · 24/08/2020 21:00

What do your DC say?

Faith50 · 24/08/2020 21:01

Your dh has been honest about his 'why'. Often affairs are about the way the ow/om makes the person feel. The respect and adoration the person has for them. It is completely selfish led.

Six months is a long time of planning, deceit and betrayal on your dh's part. He clearly compartmentalised the various aspects of his life.

Did he put you at risk of STDs? Horrible to think about but important to ask.

Original poster
kiwibella · 24/08/2020 21:02

@AllsortsofAwkward

You hsvent answer.my.quedtion why isn't leaving an opinion? You basically telling him its OK to have an open relationship where is the anger? Where is the consequences.
It's my first time using the app. I can't work out how to reply without quoting a previous post.

I do blame her. She perused a relationship with a married man and hoped that it would lead to a more.
I also blame him. It is tacky. I hate how he has behaved and what it has caused.
And he hates what he has caused to our family. I don't forgive this.

We can separate. I could have asked him to leave before I found out about his affair. I never, ever suspected a sexual affair but his friendship was already a concern.
Having him here while I take the time I need means my daughter (13) has her dad. And I know where he is and what he is up to.

When we return to school and work in two weeks will be another crossroads...

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 24/08/2020 21:02

It read to me like she is blaming the other woman !

Original poster
kiwibella · 24/08/2020 21:03

@Faith50

Your dh has been honest about his 'why'. Often affairs are about the way the ow/om makes the person feel. The respect and adoration the person has for them. It is completely selfish led.

Six months is a long time of planning, deceit and betrayal on your dh's part. He clearly compartmentalised the various aspects of his life.

Did he put you at risk of STDs? Horrible to think about but important to ask.

An STI check was the first thing I arranged. I'm already on anti-ds and my doctor was brilliant at discussing all aspects of my health, including support.
OP posts:
Faith50 · 24/08/2020 21:03

lockdownlush

You sound so traumatised. Does your dh know of your thoughts?

Prettybluepigeons · 24/08/2020 21:04

Nothing was missing. He just thought he could have his cake AND eat it.
And I bet that giv en the chance, he'll do it again.

He has broken his marriage vows for an ego boost.
Why do you want to stay with him?

Original poster
kiwibella · 24/08/2020 21:05

@Faith50

lockdownlush

You sound so traumatised. Does your dh know of your thoughts?

He does. We're talking openly. I can only hope honestly. He's had time with a counsellor. We will also have sessions together. It's a horrible, awful time living this. Please keep in mind that I asked for experiences of people choosing to continue their relationships.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2020 21:06

And I know where he is and what he is up to.

If this is how you feel, the trust is completely broken and the marriage is over. This is what you want for the rest of your marriage? To be his mum or warden, always needing to know where is he, what he's doing, who he's talking to? That is untenable and a ridiculous way to live.

firecracker69 · 24/08/2020 21:07

I honestly can't think of one acceptable excuse for cheating. I've been cheated on more than one. I'm not to blame in any way.

The first time we were having some issues in our marriage but he chose to dip his married wick instead of work through things. The last time I was cheated on me and my ex got on just brilliantly, in every way possible. He still cheated. Because he was a greedy, deceptive, sleazy fucker. My summary - some people just cheat. It doesn't matter if you're having problems or not, if someone wants to cheat, they will.

None of this is your fault. He can't be trusted. He's disrespected you in the worst way. How awful for you that all his friends knew too and no doubt all their partners.

Original poster
kiwibella · 24/08/2020 21:07

@Aquamarine1029

And I know where he is and what he is up to.

If this is how you feel, the trust is completely broken and the marriage is over. This is what you want for the rest of your marriage? To be his mum or warden, always needing to know where is he, what he's doing, who he's talking to? That is untenable and a ridiculous way to live.

Agreed. I couldn't throw him out without being certain that I wanted the relationship finished. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I hope we will survive. It's so new and raw.
OP posts: