continuing life after an affair

[kiwibella]

I’d like advice or to hear experiences from couples who have remained together after one partner has committed adultery.
My husband’s affair was recently outed. I don’t see us separating, for many reasons. Not least because we don’t want to.
We’ve been together more than 26 years and have three (Young) adult children.
He answers my questions about why it happened and how it went on for six months. This doesn’t make the knowing and dealing with this damage any easier. Their affair is definitely over.
How can I feel reassured to trust him once more and work on reviving my marriage.

I want the husband and marriage that I thought I had
But it is gone. My decision is whether to continue with what we are left with, knowing that I have seen a side to my husband I never, ever expected to see

You're a very wise lady, kiwibella, and that's despite the pain and rawness of this very new discovery

Not for the first time Fizzy's already written most of what I was going to say, but whatever decision you make you're absolutely right to do it for YOU. He's forfeited the right to impose expectations, and could already be making arrangements to protect his own interests; after all he prioritised himself during the betrayal and there's no reason to assume he won't do the same again - just one more thing to factor into your considerations

I am going to get torn to shreds but here goes I have been the cheated on wife. I have also whilst single been the ow.
My married man didn't love me it was just sex

Agree with puzzled

One other thing struck me -

Mostly I stay quiet, the other day I didn't and it spilled out. He listened, hated hearing it, struggled to not show his resentment of me dragging up the past.

Oh he did, did he?

Maybe this husband, and incidentally OP's husband, would do well to be reminded that even thirty years hence, this kind of thing is never 'the past'. When you show your partner, unequivocally, that you are not the person they thought you were, and that you are very, very capable of doing the dirty on them - well, that knowledge is permanent. You forever lose the right to an affronted 'How could you think that?' Well -it's obvious isn't it? Because I would think that, because you've shown yourself capable of it.

OP, never feel that you can't say to him - in fact, you should probably make it clear NOW while he too has the chance to walk away and give up - you'll reserve the right, today and forever, to not be expected to conveniently forget.

I have PM’d you. You will mostly be made to feel weak by many on here for wanting to stay. I’m a year in, it’s not been easy but I’m happy with the choice I made to stay and work through it. No I’m
not a door mat, I don’t have low self esteem, I’m a bloody strong woman who is doing what she wants to do. My god there have been some tough days, but that’s the way it goes. Who knows what the future will hold, be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong. Xx

My ex expected me to stay with him, he thought it was most unreasonable of me to expect fidelity and honesty because I lived in a beautiful house with no money problems. I kicked his ugly, cheating bastard arse out and I still live in a beautiful house, a little less money but happy without him. I was terrified , I hadn't worked in 15 years ... but I got myself back on my feet. I had far too much self respect for myself than to put up with his behaviour. Mentally it is extremely hard .. you feel let down , second best , a failure etc... the truth is we are none of those things ... we are strong! Much better off without him in my life , children are thriving and the house is peaceful. Children learn about relationships from their parents ... I didn't want mine to think that cheating is ever acceptable.

kiwibella, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You've had some really insightful posts from several posters, particularly FizzyGreenWater; I'd definitely want her to be my counsellor if and when I needed one.

You're also getting some really crass posts from posters who, with assumed best intentions, are really putting the boot in by suggesting that by staying, you're setting a poor example to your children, not having self-respect, etc. crunchiebabe, I'm glad that you feel vindicated in your choice but your post must be a real punch in the guts to people who follow the other path, you know, the one the OP said she had chosen.

OP, I didn't stay in my relationship when I discovered the cheating but, I could have, because I wasn't actually that invested, because it didn't floor me for that very reason. How I would have been had I been in pieces, I don't know, I can't say. That's the point really, whilst everybody can wax lyrical about what they would have done/have done, it's not from your perspective. People are not identi-kits, the relationships we have with them are not the same, the feelings we have for them and in our relationships are not the same so it's really quite pointless to overlay our own experiences on somebody else.

You have the right to choose how you handle this and you should have the right to post without being judged for how you do it. Sadly, that's not the case in reality.

If you stay and it works out for you then that's great. If you stay and then change your mind, that's great too. Whatever you decide is the right thing for you. Best wishes to you.

Sorry I am trying and failing to quote. A PP asked how I live torn all the time.

I am not asking for judgement, the OP wants experiences and I am giving mine. I want her to understand that it will likely be what it was.

The betrayal leaves a wound that never entirely heals. 99/100 days I can live with this. That took a long time to get there though. It took counselling, arguing, walking out only to return, talking and talking and talking. It took time away, a look at myself. An objective look at him. It still takes work. There is always that odd day when I can't do it. Still. I want to leave. I transfer money and plan. I keep an eye on how much mortgage I can get as a single person.

The next day I wake up and it seems a bit better, so I stay. I see our lives together and how my DS is. The option of going seems less attractive.

I am being frank. This is my experience. 4 years later, it is mostly good. Sometimes it is almost unbelievably great in fact. But the ghost remains and always will. It haunts and we are tainted by it. It is up to the OP whether she can live with that. Many cannot, and that is perfectly fine and I understand that. I would tell anyone it is a heavy burden to carry some days.

I chose to stay. He does resent it if I bring it up, but that says more about him than me. It doesn't prevent me from talking about it when I feel I need to, and he does engage with the conversation but I can see he doesn't enjoy it. I don't expect him to though.

Progress has not been linear and it is confusing and exhausting, but there is, for us anyway, and for me, progress.

I'm still here nearly 2 years on from finding out, the whole sordid details are on here somewhere. My husband has made huge changes for the better, he was very controlling and jealous (ironically) before and is not like that at all any more.

We have a good life together, but sometimes it's so hard to deal with, other times I literally forget it happened, I'm amazed at the ability of the human brain to do that.

We have young adult children and they know nothing about it, his relationship with them is so much better now than before because of his efforts to be a better person. When I'm struggling sometimes I know the damage to them would be momentous if I were to give up and I just can't bear to do it.

We also work together in the family business so I can't even see how I could leave / kick him out.

So it's going to be bloody hard, I recommend you get counselling on your own (Relate were brilliant) so that you can talk everything through with a neutral party. He could turn into a far nicer person (mine has) but something has broken that can never be fixed, but perhaps you can build something new.

Remember you don't have to decide this minute, take as long as you need. Just getting up in the morning is a triumph at the moment.

Having been in this position (exh created on me, I stayed unhappily in the relationship for a while), I think the worst part is that you would be trying to love someone who regularly lied to you, in a calculated and systematic way. Who lied to you and knew that they were doing things that would hurt you. For me it was the sheer calculated dishonesty, that this person who claimed to be my best friend and have my best interests at heart, could treat me in that way.
I think the only way a relationship can survive post infidelity is if that fundamentally dishonest behaviour is owned up to by the person who has been unfaithful. And so that it can’t happen again.
It is possible - with a lot of good counselling - But often I think affairs just reveal the truth about the selfishness/level of honesty of the person who had the affair - and it is very difficult to move on from that realisation.

All I can say OP is that 4 years on I still don’t feel 100% the same- and in my case it related to a relationship discovered 11 years after it happened. I don’t even think it’s that I don’t trust him, it was I think very much a one off thing in a certain set of circumstances, I just feel that it kind of poured the rain sprinkler on and the magic went out of it. I guess it really depends what kind of relationship you had, I did feel my H was not remotely the type and that what we had was ‘special’ so more than anything I felt immensely let down . Fizzy green water put it very well, you may be the type that after a while doesn’t think about it , but many women do find it difficult to move on and forgive and forget - including me.

I am 3.5 years on from finding out. We are still together. It’s not the same. I do trust him, weirdly, it’s not the lack of trust. It’s the feeling of being betrayed that has never left. I am still so angry, and it’s tainting our life together. I feel like he ruined something and destroyed our solid foundation. PP put it Right - it’s dulled the magic. I married him because he was kind and loyal and loved me and I believed he would never hurt me. He did.

Obviously something was lacking in our relationship for him to have needed to feel loved in that way. We were still very sexual, even during his affair. He sounds like a textbook explaining how he enjoyed being desired. She offered her attention and affection on a plate and he loved it.

The only thing lacking was his morals and ability to keep it in his pants, frankly.

It sounds like he has already managed to convince you it is somehow your fault he cheated, & blamed the other woman for 'seducing' him.

Can you really live the rest of your life with this slimeball?

It reminds me of the scene in Love Actually where Alan Rickman's wife says life will always be 'a little bit worse' if she stays. He says he has been a fool, and she points out he has made her life foolish as well.

OP if you stay you will be forever checking his phone, wondering if he is still in touch with her & feeling humiliated. I would strongly advise you to leave and see past the short term.

Love Actually was one of my favourite films, I can’t watch it now.... I’ve behaved just like her, all dignified and keeping it together for everyone else’s sake, who knows if that’s a good way to be

@Woodandsky your story is so sad, especially this part:

When I'm struggling sometimes I know the damage to them would be momentous if I were to give up and I just can't bear to do it.

My parents split when I was a young teen. I dont know the ins and outs exactly, but I gather my mum was cheating and my dad may/may not have cheated.

Please believe me when I say your children would be more understanding than you think, especially if they are young adults. If they knew what had gone on, I'm sure they would encourage you to do what makes you happy, even if it means leaving their dad. All they really need from you at this point is to be civil and able to share a room with him on occasions like christmas/birthdays/graduations etc. Life is too short, your husband is the one who cheated yet you're the one paying the price every day with your emotional anguish.

That's exactly it ...
It's not a decision that can be taken lightly ...
But think of the impact on your own mental health ...the constant anguish of the doubt in your head. No one wants to break up a happy home ... I didn't ...
But he's broken the trust once already , who's to say he won't do it again ? You are in the stage of denial ... hoping it's an oversight .. not being able to believe what he's done .. it will eat you away , you will blame yourself .., it's not you ... it's him. Get out now , a new and happier life awaits you.

I understand where you’re coming from when you say you do blame her, him too.
I’ve been through something similar and I too blame another woman for chasing a married man. My married man. It’s disgusting behaviour on both their parts and the OW in my relationship disgusts me.
It’s ok to blame the OW too without removing responsibility from your DH.
I’m 6 months down the line and DH has had spells of living away but I think I’m realising the pain won’t go away enough and that it was simply unforgivable so I can’t find the forgiveness required to make our marriage work any more. I will add that my DH has made some pretty patronising remarks regarding flirting in the workplace since, which really just show he has no respect left for me.
We tried counselling early doors but it was too premature and we stopped after a few sessions together.
We had some really nice times together during lockdown and trying to protect the dcs etc but fast forward to now and I feel no better.
I don’t know how there could ever be enough of a romantic connection there again and the triggers (which seem to be daily) are still too painful.
The implications of what he’s done are so huge - it’s changed so much of everything I felt secure about and I’m realising I don’t want to feel insecure in this marriage any longer.
I’m terrified of calling it though. We’ve been together for 20 years with young children and a lovely house.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Don’t blame yourself and stay strong

I think pebbles was right when she says it’s difficult for the pain to go away ‘enough’ and whilst getting by day to day can be fine, it can be quite hard to actually feel romantic/sexual towards them in some cases - I guess we all react differently

Take your time. I stayed for 2 years. He denied it all despite the evidence. That made it harder. People make mistakes. I am now divorced and much happier but the grass isn't always greener

Another one who used to adore Love Actually and now can barely watch the scene with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. The line about making her life foolish is spot on.

There is a lot of shame around staying to work it out I think. Lots of women say they would never ‘put up’ with cheating and leave straight away. I was one of those women. Here I am, two years down the line.

Someone said above that they can go from forgetting about it almost, to it being at the forefront of their mind. That is so true. I have had a bad day today.

I still really struggle with the shock of it to be honest. How someone I stood at the altar with could treat me so callously.

These men turn you into a liar by their cheating.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

These men turn you into a liar by their cheating.

Yes and they have you buying into their lies so you feel as if you are the one who has done wrong

If you want to have someone confirm what a wanker he is, individual counselling will help- you're worth it. Plus this thread or any others you might make of course. x

And no, that he chose to shag someone else wasn't due to something wrong with the marriage, anything you'd done or failed to do. xxxx

How are you doing? x

@newusernametonight

Another one who used to adore Love Actually and now can barely watch the scene with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. The line about making her life foolish is spot on.

There is a lot of shame around staying to work it out I think. Lots of women say they would never ‘put up’ with cheating and leave straight away. I was one of those women. Here I am, two years down the line.

Someone said above that they can go from forgetting about it almost, to it being at the forefront of their mind. That is so true. I have had a bad day today.

I still really struggle with the shock of it to be honest. How someone I stood at the altar with could treat me so callously.

Someone said above that they can go from forgetting about it almost, to it being at the forefront of their mind. That is so true.

Those < bam > reminders are so utterly cruel. Good day. Good day. Life goes on. Fuck me, face slap.
It's a tough run. And, I'll never be certain that I have made the best choice. But, I am loving my choice for now.

I stayed for 2.5 years after finding out about an ea. I went to counselling, talked things through over and over, worked on myself, accepted that there were cracks in our marriage and those cracks drove him into the arms of another woman.

I wish I hadn’t bothered because he’s proved himself to be unworthy of my forgiveness and mercy. He is rude, spoilt and argumentative. If I was in his shoes I’d be begging for forgiveness and spending the rest of my life trying to prove how sorry I was for being so deceitful and heartless.

I have now decided I’m done and I can’t wait. Obviously, I hope it works out for you, op. But I wish I’d not wasted those extra years putting in 100% effort as he now believes himself to be exempt from consequences.