continuing life after an affair

[kiwibella]

I’d like advice or to hear experiences from couples who have remained together after one partner has committed adultery.
My husband’s affair was recently outed. I don’t see us separating, for many reasons. Not least because we don’t want to.
We’ve been together more than 26 years and have three (Young) adult children.
He answers my questions about why it happened and how it went on for six months. This doesn’t make the knowing and dealing with this damage any easier. Their affair is definitely over.
How can I feel reassured to trust him once more and work on reviving my marriage.

[Aquamarine1029]

I understand what you are suggesting about an improved version of your husband.

Do you really believe these "improvements" are genuine, or just a way for him to pacify you in order to remain married? If it's the latter, then it's nothing but smoke and mirrors and manipulation.

[kiwibella]

@Aquamarine1029

I understand what you are suggesting about an improved version of your husband.

Do you really believe these "improvements" are genuine, or just a way for him to pacify you in order to remain married? If it's the latter, then it's nothing but smoke and mirrors and manipulation.

Whiteskittle I didn't say my husband was an improved model.
He's messed up. No matter what you've decided about my choices so far, I don't do smoke and mirrors.
I am trying to decide what is best for me.

[pastaparadise]

No personal experiences but I've heard Esther Parel podcast/ books are very good re affairs and relationships. good luck with whatever route you decide on

[whiteskittle]

I do believe the improvements are genuine. I think when someone sees what they stand to lose it does wake them up to reality and they do change. I’m not saying this happens with everyone, I’m just speaking from personal experience. There is a massive taboo about forgiving a cheating partner and I can see why but it’s very easy for people to tell you to leave. In reality it’s not quite as simple as that.

If you have never been in the situation you really don’t know what you would do. Every sane person would say they wouldn’t forgive but like I said you don’t actually know.

That said, I would make sure you ensure that you are independent in terms of finances op. And hold a little of yourself back from now on.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Your trust was earned over the entire course of your marriage and he's completely shattered that. It could take years if you ever get back to a place of trusting him again.

See, I just don't get this logic. Yes, of course you build up trust over years of knowing someone and being with them. But - the trust you build up is that they would not cheat, because they are not the kind of person who would do such a thing to you.

And then if they do - well then the above is proven wrong. You can't 'build it back up'. How?! You KNOW that actually, they ARE the kind of person to do that to you, and you didn't know them as well as you thought. 'Building back up' the belief that they wouldn't cheat on you is simply illogical. It's a denial of the facts. They would. They did.

I think this makes it harder for people tbh because there's an expectation that that knowledge can somehow be removed and not be true any more, and it just can't. Or rather, if you try to do that, you'll send yourself mad... gaslighting yourself is really the only way to live out that 'regain the trust' thing.

You won't ever trust them again because they are not trustworthy. Start from that point because it is the truth. Then work out what you think that would feel like and go from there - what are you prepared to rebuild WITHIN that key parameter.

[FizzyGreenWater]

That said, I would make sure you ensure that you are independent in terms of finances op. And hold a little of yourself back from now on.

See these are genuine words spoken by someone who has that knowledge now to the forefront. Your money. Your heart. Two key things to make sure that you no longer leave in his hands, because his hands are not a safe place for you any more.

I am sure that in many cases it works to the extent that the cheated on partner can look back and say they were better off staying. I imagine a colder, more detached life 'together' going forward - where you make sure your real heart and energies go into your children, your friends - I imagine trying to continue that loving everyday intimacy would become impossible, but you could be friendly partners who know well that their overall lives, especially financially, are better together in the main.

Soul destroying too though.

[kiwibella]

FizzyGreenWater
whiteskittle
Thank you both. So very much.

[Mumtothelittlefella]

I know of only one couple. They are in their 70’s now. She left him for a man she’d been having a relationship with. She left her DH and her children for the AP but she went back home the next day.

I only met them 15 years old from it. They are together but it’s not a happy relationship. I can see why she wasn’t happy (although that’s not a reason to have an affair). There’s no affection in the relationship now. The sad thing is they are both lovely people but they just don’t seem happy together or enjoy life. There is a lot of controlling and resentment going on.

[lockdownlush]

@Faith50 yep, he caused it I've said it a couple of times. I need to leave it's damaged me inside and out. Not my doing .. tell that to everyone who thinks he's great whilst I look after our two autistic boys

[ILoveAnOwl]

We are still married. I don't love him, but there were other issues before this. The affair just concreted my lack of feelings. We still have a nice enough life- the kids adore him and we bumble along doing family stuff and having a good time. But I fantasise about my retirement when I can buy a cottage on my own and I never have to sleep next to him again. I sort of feel sorry for him as he must know I feel nothing for him and that must be soul destroying.

[kiwibella]

@ILoveAnOwl

We are still married. I don't love him, but there were other issues before this. The affair just concreted my lack of feelings. We still have a nice enough life- the kids adore him and we bumble along doing family stuff and having a good time. But I fantasise about my retirement when I can buy a cottage on my own and I never have to sleep next to him again. I sort of feel sorry for him as he must know I feel nothing for him and that must be soul destroying.

ILoveAnOwl
You are incredibly strong to continue this family life. I hope retirement is looming!

[WatieKatie]

I’m sorry that you are having to go through this OP, it is a truly dreadful time.

For what it’s worth when I found out about my now ex DH affair I kicked him out and filed for divorce. I knew I could never forgive the betrayal. It was the worst period of my life, especially as I’d just given birth to our only child. However looking back I can honestly say it was the best thing that I did. I’m now so very happy.

I’d be interested to see his reaction if it was you who had cheated on him.

Wishing you all the very best with whatever difficult decision you make.

[Faith50]

lockdownlush I know how you feel. A bloody painful place to be in particularly if you have nobody to speak to.

Iloveanowl
I can relate to this. I see the pain in my dh's eyes. He knows I do not love him in the same way. In a strange way I am pleased. In another way, I am incredibly sad that I also lose out in the process. I now choose not to give him all of me - something I did when dating, holding back, not wanting to show you care as much as you do. I never imagined I would have to resort to this in my marriage. I have had an emotional affair since.

[CharlieBoo]

It’s really hard.. it can be done, my parents managed it but they were old school and back then couples did stay together more. It was more to do with finances and although they certaInly went through it, they also became closer.

After going through infidelity with my own husband, and trying for a very long time, it was clear that things were never going to be how they once were. The little things, late home from work, checking if they’re online when they go to the toilet, constantly scanning their actions, words, routine for any kind of clue. It wasn’t healthy for me and wasn’t a nice way to live. I was bitter and angry that he could do this to us, our lovely family. And I loved him and probably still do, I miss our old life, our ‘perfect’ life. I wanted so badly to get it to how it was, it just went further away.

Counselling will help I’m sure.. it won’t have all the answers, but it’s a starting point. I wish you all the very best, it’s so painful, it hurts like hell. It’s so easy for people to say I wouldn’t take him back etc, but that’s your life and it’s easy for people to be so flippant about a man you have three children with, a man you trusted and loved. Take your time, you don’t need to make big decisions now xxx

[Franticbutterfly]

@FizzyGreenWater

Your trust was earned over the entire course of your marriage and he's completely shattered that. It could take years if you ever get back to a place of trusting him again.

See, I just don't get this logic. Yes, of course you build up trust over years of knowing someone and being with them. But - the trust you build up is that they would not cheat, because they are not the kind of person who would do such a thing to you.

And then if they do - well then the above is proven wrong. You can't 'build it back up'. How?! You KNOW that actually, they ARE the kind of person to do that to you, and you didn't know them as well as you thought. 'Building back up' the belief that they wouldn't cheat on you is simply illogical. It's a denial of the facts. They would. They did.

I think this makes it harder for people tbh because there's an expectation that that knowledge can somehow be removed and not be true any more, and it just can't. Or rather, if you try to do that, you'll send yourself mad... gaslighting yourself is really the only way to live out that 'regain the trust' thing.

You won't ever trust them again because they are not trustworthy. Start from that point because it is the truth. Then work out what you think that would feel like and go from there - what are you prepared to rebuild WITHIN that key parameter.

I agree with this 100%, I think this is why I continue to be tortured by dh's affair. But, my DH is changed, and a much nicer man now. If OP is unsure about next steps, her husband's actions in the coming weeks and months will help her decide what to do.

[Baws]

I’m sorry but I’ve been there and cannot imagine why you would want to stay! Things can never be the same after an affair so unless you’re fine with that then I don’t understand why anyone would stay unless they had young children or for financial reasons. Even then if you had any self respect then you should have an exit plan. My ex H told me the first time, ended the affair and arranged counselling. That’s the only reason I even considered giving him a second chance. He was full of bullshit about ‘how he didn’t want to lose me’ etc but he soon changed his tune after 6 months when he got annoyed over me asking him where he was going when he was out. He eventually cheated again and I kicked him out but I wasted 5 years of my life. The way I felt during that time isn’t something I’d ever want to repeat. I constantly worried about where he was, what was found on with female friends etc, it was awful. When they say that they want to stay and have realised what they have to lose they are referring to their financial situation and reputation and not you. If you mattered to them then they wouldn’t cheat in the first place. He wasn’t thinking of you when he was shagging the OW for 6 months! Remember that and also that you deserve better!

[Josuk]

OP - according to counsellors and research - most people who discover affairs stay together. So - it can be done.
If you are thinking it’s what you want to try to do - do look up Esther Perel - ‘The state of the affair’. And her Ted talks.
She is a couples counsellor working for many years in this field and has put her observations and interesting perspectives in a somewhat controversial book. And many people find it eye opening.
There is also a support group on FB for people like you who want to try to work on their new marriage, using some of her ideas.

It’s not an easy path. Good luck.

[Kapowsers]

I am 4 years post DHs affair, we are still together. I am mostly happy now but it was a hard path to get there.

It took, and continues to take a lot. For the first six months I believed we were over, financially though I did not feel I could afford to leave. So I stayed, to build up money to go.

I was eaten with jealousy, shame, anger, pain I could physically feel in my chest, fear, loathing for him, her and anyone associated with her.

I felt shame too, for staying... Like everyone who knew judged me as a weak doormat. I hated him and how he destroyed me. I had months of therapy. Two years later, those feelings resurfaced after a relatively good period, and I cracked up and went back to therapy again.

A year ago I was acting recklessly, flirting with other men. Found two that I came close to screwing. Hot, younger men. I found that knowing I could soothed my ego.

It took me ages to understand the reason for his affair. It was the classic cliche of him wanting escape and to feel attractive. We had gone through an awful trauma (I won't detail, as it is revealing), he had suffered dreadfully and then a tonne of other shit came on top of us. I am not giving excuses for him, just saying what was happening at the time. I wasn't a bad wife, I was a great wife, partner, carer avd friend to him. What he did was not my fault. I know and believe that. I also believe that the woman he went with could have been anyone. He didn't care about her, who she was, what she looked like. She was in the right place at the right time and wanted him. She told me, after I found out, that she saw him, liked him and went for it.

Despite this, we are still together. We have a good relationship. The trust is damaged and most days I can live with that, but there remain days I hurt and cry. They flare up without warning. Mostly I stay quiet, the other day I didn't and it spilled out. He listened, hated hearing it, struggled to not show his resentment of me dragging up the past.

I think what I am saying is, in some cases you can stay after an affair, and like us, have a good, healthy relationship eventually. But, the pain doesn't go away entirely. There are days you want to go through his phone. I drove myself mad for three months doing that. Got him to change all his passwords in the end. There are days when you think you hate him. There are hours spent looking her up on social media and torturing yourself with comparison. However, as long as you both understand there will be those times, littered amongst the good moments you are both trying to create, and you but more importantly he, accepts that these ugly ghosts will haunt and show themselves, and you can both work on that, then you can push through.

It won't be sunsets and rainbows, but it can be what you make it.

[User856334967]

Most couples stay together initially after the discovery of an affair but whether the relationship later breaks down or is a happy one or a toxic one... No one has access to those statistics. There are success stories and OP I hope you are one of them.

Every betrayal is unlque. Taking into consideration the length of the relationship....ages of shared children......amount of support and love offered to the cheating spouse.... additional factors like ill health or stress..... How long the affair went on,......how many lies were told to you and to others about you?

The cheated on spouse never deserved it but some situations are more forgivable than others, and some people are more able to forgive than others .

Good luck OP, I hope you find the answers you need and I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Kapowsers]

To add, 12 months ago I was tempted to push the fuck it button and sleep with another man. Today, I look back and it's like looking at another person. I am not (nor have ever been) someone who has casual sex, I wouldn't dream of it now.. But for those few weeks I was sorely tempted... The counselling I had at that time helped me explore my reasons for that. There were many, not only DH but also how I viewed my self and worth.

[Stella8686]

@kiwibella

whiteskittle
I understand what you are suggesting about an improved version of your husband.

Aha!
I found it!
*@kiwibella* obviously posted wanting to hear that after being found out. The husband changes his ways and became a better man!

He was better even than before and treated OP like a princess happily ever after. Out of shame. Because he cheated. Because he could. Because he wanted to.

*@kiwibella* the reason you couldn't find anyone telling you this is because it is a myth

Good luck to you

[newusernametonight]

@kiwibella It is almost exactly two years since I found about my husband’s 4 month affair. I never thought he was ‘that guy’. Hardly anyone knows and if they did they would be gobsmacked. Our fourth child was months old when it started, and he had kissed her when I was pregnant. I still cannot wrote that without feeling a wave of horror.

We are still together. We are still in counselling but we have come a very long way and know a lot more about each other than we did.

I didn’t stay because I was scared to leave. We are very well off, I would be fine financially. Not that it is always the right revision obviously, people do what is right for them, but lots of people stay together after affairs. Not many people talk about it. But I think to truly try and move past it you have to realise that the past is gone and the relationship you knew is gone. You are starting a new marriage.

I don’t know what the long term holds - nobody does whatever they think they know about a partner - but I do know if you both want to make it work enough and are willing to put the work in, I think there can be a way by through.

If you only recently discovered the affair then you are no doubt going through total hell. In hindsight those early days, weeks and months were so incredibly traumatic I don’t know how I endured it - try and look after yourself. FWIW I don’t know if it is possible to properly work through and heal from an affair without professional help. We basically see our therapist every week most of the time.

Please message me if you have any questions. I would so have loved to have someone to talk to on the other side of it when I was going through this myself.

Take care x

[Stella8686]

@Kapowsers

I am 4 years post DHs affair, we are still together. I am mostly happy now but it was a hard path to get there.

It took, and continues to take a lot. For the first six months I believed we were over, financially though I did not feel I could afford to leave. So I stayed, to build up money to go.

I was eaten with jealousy, shame, anger, pain I could physically feel in my chest, fear, loathing for him, her and anyone associated with her.

I felt shame too, for staying... Like everyone who knew judged me as a weak doormat. I hated him and how he destroyed me. I had months of therapy. Two years later, those feelings resurfaced after a relatively good period, and I cracked up and went back to therapy again.

A year ago I was acting recklessly, flirting with other men. Found two that I came close to screwing. Hot, younger men. I found that knowing I could soothed my ego.

It took me ages to understand the reason for his affair. It was the classic cliche of him wanting escape and to feel attractive. We had gone through an awful trauma (I won't detail, as it is revealing), he had suffered dreadfully and then a tonne of other shit came on top of us. I am not giving excuses for him, just saying what was happening at the time. I wasn't a bad wife, I was a great wife, partner, carer avd friend to him. What he did was not my fault. I know and believe that. I also believe that the woman he went with could have been anyone. He didn't care about her, who she was, what she looked like. She was in the right place at the right time and wanted him. She told me, after I found out, that she saw him, liked him and went for it.

Despite this, we are still together. We have a good relationship. The trust is damaged and most days I can live with that, but there remain days I hurt and cry. They flare up without warning. Mostly I stay quiet, the other day I didn't and it spilled out. He listened, hated hearing it, struggled to not show his resentment of me dragging up the past.

I think what I am saying is, in some cases you can stay after an affair, and like us, have a good, healthy relationship eventually. But, the pain doesn't go away entirely. There are days you want to go through his phone. I drove myself mad for three months doing that. Got him to change all his passwords in the end. There are days when you think you hate him. There are hours spent looking her up on social media and torturing yourself with comparison. However, as long as you both understand there will be those times, littered amongst the good moments you are both trying to create, and you but more importantly he, accepts that these ugly ghosts will haunt and show themselves, and you can both work on that, then you can push through.

It won't be sunsets and rainbows, but it can be what you make it.

Wow! I can't read that without thinking you made the wrong choice. I'm sorry to be blunt @Kapowsers but that sounds like an awful way to live.

We're good except when I can't keep it all in anymore.

We're good except I now need councillng regularly and don't trust him. It trust myself with his passwords

Wow! I was cheated on and he left he came back begging. I was having none of it.

How do you live torn in two all the time?

[kiwibella]

@kiwibella obviously posted wanting to hear that after being found out. The husband changes his ways and became a better man!

I (thought I) had a good man. I don't want my husband to change his ways because he fucked up. I want the husband and marriage that I thought I had.
But it is gone. My decision is whether to continue with what we are left with, knowing that I have seen a side to my husband I never, ever expected to see.
It's still new and hurts incredibly.

There have been some heartfelt and thoughtful contributions to my post. I thank these ladies very much.

[Kapowsers]

Having read all of what I write, it does seem pretty miserable, but I only focused on the rubbish bits, the parts negatively affected by the affair.

If I was to talk about the positives, of which there are many, they are the same as any good relationship. There is love. Everyday. I feel loved, not candles and romance love, but love that shows he cares. He has worked hard with me to ensure we are financially stable, now and in the future. We laugh, we travel together, he knows my moods better than I do, and if I appear to be declining (I can get anxious but always did) he sees it and helps me see it and we find a way through whatever is triggering an attack at the time.

He is funny, and we laugh. I make him laugh. We genuinely enjoy each others company. We moved away recently, from everyone we know to ease our DS in a better area, and are happy just having each other for a bit.

He is a 50/50 parent and does 50% of the housework. If I am busy with work or something else he does 100% and doesn't moan or leave the jobs I do until the weekend.

Many that know us (but not about that) think he is bloody perfect. It drives me mad to get told I am lucky by people whose partners are a bit lazy domestically. I don't see why they put up with it. Some, a lot actually, that I told about his affair told me I would be mad to leave. Idiots.

The point I am making is, yes I focused on the bad bits, but there has to be a lot (and a broad range) of positive in your 'together life' to stay and it be successful.