continuing life after an affair

[kiwibella]

I’d like advice or to hear experiences from couples who have remained together after one partner has committed adultery.
My husband’s affair was recently outed. I don’t see us separating, for many reasons. Not least because we don’t want to.
We’ve been together more than 26 years and have three (Young) adult children.
He answers my questions about why it happened and how it went on for six months. This doesn’t make the knowing and dealing with this damage any easier. Their affair is definitely over.
How can I feel reassured to trust him once more and work on reviving my marriage.

[Faith50]

kiwibella
I am glad to know you are in the all clear. I hope the ADs are providing a level of detachment for you. It can be all consuming.

[FizzyGreenWater]

How can I feel reassured to trust him once more

You probably won't. Not if you've got your head screwed on - why would you? You now know he would cheat on you. And not because he was desperately unhappy, or because you never had sex and were at each others' throats, or that he thought you didn't care anyway... no real reason except he could and he didn't love or respect you enough to say - no thanks, I'm married and loyal. He's not loyal. The only way you can tell yourself you can trust him now is to basically gaslight yourself.

What I keep grappling with is that many marriages do continue. I can't see how they can ever be the same.

No. They aren't. For reasons above. The people who stay are choosing to stay with someone they no longer trust. All sorts of reasons: fear, finances, convenience. But - not love, really. And certainly not because, ever, trust. There is no real trust. What there is, of course, is fury and hatred - lots of that. So you have to make a positive choice that fury, hatred, miserable times and distrust are preferable to the huge upheaval of divorce.

He would still be at it if he had been more careful, then?

Stop blaming her, by the way. It won't help.

[achillesratty]

So not only did he have an affair he cared so little about you that he wasn't even discreet?

He has humiliated you in front of your friends because he wanted his ego (amongst other areas) stroking?

You think she offered it to him on plate? Unless he has a limited vocabulary and unable to say the word "no" he didn't have to have an affair.

You marriage will continue if you accept that he will always be always be looking for the next woman to flatter his ego so he can be unfaithful again. He's your problem not the woman he slept with.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Please keep in mind that I asked for experiences of people choosing to continue their relationships.

Ok. I only know of one person. It staggered on for two years. Then they finished.

[Faith50]

Can you live with the following facts:

He did not cheat due to being unhappy, you having a change of behaviour, other challenges in your marriage

He did not end the affair - it was discovered meaning it would still have been going on

[Aquamarine1029]

Please keep in mind that I asked for experiences of people choosing to continue their relationships.

I know of three couples. The husbands cheated. All three of them ended up cheating again.

[kiwibella]

@cptartapp

What do your DC say?

Eldest is from a previous relationship and hasn't been told. Yet.
Middle. Has disowned her father.
Youngest (13). Doesn't want to be involved!!! Her words. I can't make her talk about what has happened. We hold hands and I love her as much as I can. She's super close to her Dad too.

[Anordinarymum]

OP would you feel the same if you found out he had been seeing a prostitute?

It takes two to Tango however they do it, but when they are naked wrestling you can be sure they are not thinking of your welfare not one little bit.

[firecracker69]

I choose to continue. It lasted for 3 months. I lost complete respect for him and as hard as I tried I just could not trust him. My friends and family merely tolerated him for me. I had to end it, for my own self respect. It truly broke my heart. I lost my home and was seriously in debt for a long time but I maintained my dignity and grew stronger than I though was ever possible.

[kiwibella]

@Anordinarymum

OP would you feel the same if you found out he had been seeing a prostitute?

It takes two to Tango however they do it, but when they are naked wrestling you can be sure they are not thinking of your welfare not one little bit.

No I wouldn't.
I would hate him choosing to visit a prostitute. It is one time which is different to regularly getting together with the same person.

[Aquamarine1029]

Did you only start taking AD's after you found out about the affair?

[InFiveMins]

By staying with him you are affecting your children and their happiness. They will know you have stayed with a man that disrespected you. Put your children first. Your 13 year old has been dragged into this already - that isn't OK.

Your relationship will be tainted forever. You will never truly trust him.

Don't you deserve better?

[Anordinarymum]

Getting together with the same person brings affection into the equation.

I would be interested to know how it ended and if he had not been outed would it still be going on.

[kiwibella]

No. I was already taking ADs.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

I tried to continue as we had 2 young children but I couldn’t forgive and forget so we divorced .
My DSD ‘s H cheated , she forgave him ( blamed OW) , he did it again and she blamed ( different) OW. She stays for financial reasons .
DSD has aged 20 years in the past 10 years. Sad.

[PurrBox]

There is no acceptance or support on here for people who choose to stick with a marriage after a partner has had an affair. I have been attacked and excoriated for talking about the complicated and difficult feelings my husband's affair brought up, while choosing to continue our marriage.

You may not get many responses from people who didn't leave their marriages after discovering their husband's infidelity, not because those people don't exist, but because admitting it on here brings a lot of comments which make you feel bad.

[Anordinarymum]

It is the most hurtful thing knowing that your husband prefers to sleep with another woman. It was one of the reasons I could not stay with him. I only found out because she told me about it. Once I knew, it was simply a matter of time before I ended it. There were other reasons too but this was the biggest letdown of all.

[Raidblunner]

I continued for 10 years, absolute waste of time and emotions. You never forget and things are never the same. It's always there eating away at you like a cancer. I wish you well and feel empathy with your current situation but as you will find the time and effort you put in to it will never be worth the outcome.

[RantyAnty]

My DSis has stayed and I see how it has destroyed her. She's near 60 and has never worked. I think she is afraid to leave. Her H has worked sporadically in minimum wage jobs and there's no assets to split.

These guys already have one foot out the door and if they knew the ow was a sure thing, they'd be gone in a second.

[FizzyGreenWater]

@PurrBox - so then are you glad you stayed? It sounds as if your experience would be useful for OP. Presumably you are still in the relationship. Was it worth it? Are you happy?

[LilyLongJohn]

You will never regain the same trust you had.

Think of your relationship like a price of paper, by having the affair he's crumpled up the paper and ripped it up. If you stay you've both decided to work on it, you can straighten the paper, iron it and sellotape it back together, but it will never ever be the same again. I guess the trick is now to make it as good as you can. A good, even better relationship, but very different.

[whiteskittle]

I am in the exact same position as you but sounds like I’m maybe a few months on. If he is 100% truly sorry and you want to stay together then that is totally up to you. I will warn you that it is VERY hard to move on from. My husband is like a better version than the man he was before. He is everything I’ve ever wanted him to be. But he will never again be the man I thought he was. You have to accept that your old relationship is over and this is a new relationship for you both. One with absolutely no trust on your part and probably very little respect for your husband.

Trust me, it’s easier to leave now than months/years down the line.

Please be kind to yourself. You can pm me anytime.

[Franticbutterfly]

I'm so sorry that has happened to you and your family.

I discovered my DH's affair 19 months ago (although I was aware of it before, but had no proof) and some days I still find myself as sad, insecure and untrusting as I did in the immediate aftermath. Staying together is the harder of the two options, and requires a lot of work and effort on both sides. Not to mention to catastrophic effects on the mental health of the betrayed spouse. It basically ruins everything. But things can get better.

Sorry, a bit rambling. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have OP.

[Anordinarymum]

OP you talk about reviving your marriage. Is that your job really? Shouldn't it be he who does that ?
How can you revive something that is dead ? As far as I am concerned when someone commits adultery they tear everything that is sacred between two people into shreds.

[kiwibella]

whiteskittle
I understand what you are suggesting about an improved version of your husband.