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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't bring myself to leave but something is missing :(

99 replies

yougrowgirl · 23/08/2020 22:35

I'm 23 and have been with my DP for over 4 and a half years. We are living together in a rented flat. He is my absolute best friend and rock, he can't do enough for me and we get on so well. We are always laughing and I know I am really lucky to have him.

However, we are just lacking in intimacy so much. We have sex monthly if that and it feels like a chore. We used to have it more but we've never really been "at it like rabbits". We rarely do anything else or kiss very often, but we cuddle an awful lot. I just can't help feeling like something is missing and have felt like this for months. I almost feel guilty and ungrateful though because I know I am really lucky, and we do not have a toxic relationship in any way. I'm so scared to leave him because I would never see him again and in so many ways he is my best friend. But I genuinely feel like he is my roommate.

We have tried so hard to bring the intimacy back but we are just going round in circles. Would I be unreasonable to leave such a great guy and my best friend?? I feel like we would be happy enough in the future but I feel like something is missing and I shouldn't just settle. Thoughts? :(

OP posts:

Catandkittens · 23/08/2020 22:37

You're too young to be in an unhappy relationship that's lacking passion. How would you feel if this goes on for the next 50 years? It shouldn't be like this and you don't have to settle for it. You might both be happier with other people.

Catandkittens · 23/08/2020 22:37

I completely understand because I have been in this exact situation. I chose to leave.

userxx · 23/08/2020 22:38

Nope, it's not going to work long term and you know it. It's going to be hideous breaking up with him but ultimately it's the right thing to do for both of you.

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 23/08/2020 22:39

It's just so hard, I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, he makes me so happy, but probably as a best mate. I just don't want to lose him from my life ☹️
Ah okay, how was your experience? Did you regret it after? Have you met anyone new? X

OP posts:

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 23/08/2020 23:01

The thought of leaving him and never seeing him again genuinely makes me feel sick to the stomach ☹️ he's so so lovely and it would be the most horrendous thing seeing him move out

OP posts:

Peridodo · 23/08/2020 23:15

You are so young, if you feel like this now and just muddle along before you know it 5 or 10 years will have gone by. You have every right to want more from this relationship.
Could you try counselling and work on the intimacy side of things? Set a timeline and if things don’t improve I would suggest you move on because it won’t get any easier with time and you will just feel more and more unhappy.

MoreCookiesPlease · 23/08/2020 23:41

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? What have you tried in terms of intimacy? Have you thought of seeing a counsellor?

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 24/08/2020 00:07

Yeah we've spoken about it to death, I bought it up before lockdown which we spent apart both at our parents, and it nearly split us up. After lockdown we decided to make a full effort, tried new things (toys, new underwear etc) but it's just not really improving and still feels like a chore for me personally.
We have spoken about it for the last few days and I can see it's really getting him down which is horrible :( but he does sort of agree with me.
We haven't tried counselling, I have brought it up as an idea!

OP posts:

userxx · 24/08/2020 07:40

It's obvious you love the guy deeply and he probably does too but if the spark isn't there you can't force one to light.

category12 · 24/08/2020 07:56

You could live another 60 years. Do you really want to spend all that time this way?

You're so young. Sometimes we outgrow a relationship. Maybe you could salvage a friendship out of it if you split amicably?

Absolutelylush · 24/08/2020 08:01

What is the actual issue? Lack of attraction? Different sex drives? Boredom?

Absolutelylush · 24/08/2020 08:01

What is the actual issue? Lack of attraction? Different sex drives? Boredom?

VictoriaBun · 24/08/2020 08:10

Can I ask what made you both decide to go back to your parents houses during lockdown ?
I ask this because ( to me ) that sounds like you are a little bit both acting like grown up ( been together a few years , have a flat etc ) but at the first sign of any trouble you both run back to your parents.
Could you both also see each other as more brother and sister , so therefore have the ' ick factor ' when it comes to sex ?

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 24/08/2020 09:10

It wasn't like that at all - he's originally from a town 3 hours away from me and all his family are down there, plus we were having these chats before lockdown, so he wanted to see his family and we decided to spend the time apart to see where we stood.

The lack of sex life has gone on for so long now - we lived with my parents for a year and had sex probably twice? And in this flat probably twice too. I find him good looking and stuff but not sure I actually fancy him anymore. I just don't feel like there's any romance anymore

OP posts:

cheezy · 24/08/2020 09:15

What’s to say you couldn’t remain friends? Does breaking up really mean never seeing each other again?

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 24/08/2020 09:19

Yeah I'd really like to remain friends, but he would move back home (3hrs away) and it'd be too hard at first. Plus how realistic is that? If he ever got another girlfriend or something I'm not sure she'd be too happy with him being best mates with his ex

OP posts:

hammie46i · 24/08/2020 09:23

@yougrowgirl

I'm close friends with my ex. My partner doesn't mind precisely because the split with my ex was due to a lack of passion/sexual attraction. It may be possible to keep the friendship especially if you both feel the spark has died and the split is mutual.

Original poster

yougrowgirl · 24/08/2020 12:06

I've woken up this morning feeling so so sick. The thought of doing this to him crushes me :(

OP posts:

NC866 · 24/08/2020 12:11

I was in this exact position and instead of leaving I swept it under the carpet and married him and had kids. I shouldn’t have. I thought I would care less about the lack of intimacy and sexual connection as I got older but in my 30’s I actually care more. I’m now in the awful position of wondering whether to break up my marriage and lose my kids 50% of the time of just continue to live with this void until they are older. It’s not fun. Leave and move on. There is more out there for you. It’ll hurt but it’s the right thing in the long run.

Dery · 24/08/2020 12:56

The reality is that your couple relationship has run its course and it does need to end.

You can’t imagine being without him because he is your first love and you are his and you have never been without each other. It is very painful when first love ends but it does end for most people and it’s right that it should. Some people are able to build a fulfilling and successful lifetime partnership with the partners they met in their late teens - but it’s rare. And it certainly requires the sexual spark to continue and that is precisely what has not happened in this case.

I remember with my first love when the romance began to fade and how painful it was. I also couldn’t imagine losing him from my life.

In fact, he met someone else and he ended the relationship before I did and when we had been together for nearly 3 years. Initially, it was too painful and awkward to be friends because of the contrast between how we had been as a couple and how we were after the relationship ended. But after some months, we were able to form a really happy friendship because we knew each other very well and we got on. In due course, we went our separate ways because he was a year ahead of me at university and went out into the world sooner than I did and we now have not seen each other for a few decades. And although I couldn’t have imagined being comfortable with that situation when I was in your position, it has turned out absolutely fine and we older MNers can promise that it will for you, too.

In addition, this all took place in a pre-Internet/pre-email world which meant it was harder to keep in touch. If it had happened more recently, we would probably now be Facebook friends as both my DH and I are with some other exes.

It may not happen immediately, but you probably will be able to have a platonic friendship with your BF and what will happen is that over time you will each fill your lives with other important people and activities and your couple relationship will become a very happy memory for you both.

bronzedgodesswannabe · 24/08/2020 13:31

Oh god you're so so young
Leave and find someone you wanna shag the fuck out of ...

Wondergirl100 · 24/08/2020 13:46

jesus OP you have to end this. This is the sort of 'settling' for lack of romance that people do because they have had kids and want to stick it out.

You had sex twice in a year - you find sex with him a chore - this is a friendship not a romantic relationship.

You only get one life OP - go enjoy it and find a boyfriend you fancy the pants off.

hillarypcof · 24/08/2020 13:47

I have been in the exact same situation as you, OP. I am the same age as you. I totally understand the mental conflict you are going through.

I decided to leave. I have never been happier.

nzeire · 24/08/2020 14:03

Ah, poor you. I experienced the same thing, best friend, amazing guy, gorgeous, smart, fitted in perfectly with each other’s lives, families and friends... I was devastated when I realised it was over. The passion and intimacy was just no longer there. I put a time limit on it... if I’m not happy by Easter, I will finish things. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I really had imagined spending my life with him, marriage, kids, the works. But I knew, in my heart, it wasn’t right, that something was missing. It took a year for us to be able to be friends again, when we had healed a bit and both moved on. 25 years later, I still consider him a very dear friend. He visits every time he’s in town and we adore each other, and each other’s partners. We were together for a reason, learnt and grew together. It was the natural ending and in the end, both so much happier.

flipperdoda · 24/08/2020 14:39

I left a four year relationship when I was 24 where our sex life had dwindled (it started off as multiple times a week, went to once a week when we moved in together which wasn't ideal for me but was okay, then went to every fortnight, every month...). It was awful. I thought I was going to marry this guy and I was distraught at the thought of splitting up but I just couldn't do it.

It sounds like our situation is different as I actively wanted sex with him but he didn't (and wouldn't really talk about it and definitely didn't try to improve anything) so obviously we had issues on top of the sex...but I just wanted to say that I broke up with him a year or so ago now, I haven't had sex since we split, and I'm still SO much happier.

I posted here beforehand and people told me I was too young to put up with little sex and I didn't really believe them, I thought it was a bad patch I should work through, I thought counselling would help etc... Finally a friend turned around to me and said you're 24 and you've been together 4 years do you really want to keep a relationship that already needs counselling?

It just wasn't right for me. No matter how much I wanted it to be and was willing to work at it, it just wasn't. Sometimes that happens and it hurts but dragging it out won't magically fix it.

It sounds like you've both discussed it and both tried to improve it and it's not working - if you stay you run the risk of one or both of you resenting the other and then you definitely won't be able to be friends.

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