I can't bring myself to leave but something is missing :(

[yougrowgirl]

I'm 23 and have been with my DP for over 4 and a half years. We are living together in a rented flat. He is my absolute best friend and rock, he can't do enough for me and we get on so well. We are always laughing and I know I am really lucky to have him.

However, we are just lacking in intimacy so much. We have sex monthly if that and it feels like a chore. We used to have it more but we've never really been "at it like rabbits". We rarely do anything else or kiss very often, but we cuddle an awful lot. I just can't help feeling like something is missing and have felt like this for months. I almost feel guilty and ungrateful though because I know I am really lucky, and we do not have a toxic relationship in any way. I'm so scared to leave him because I would never see him again and in so many ways he is my best friend. But I genuinely feel like he is my roommate.

We have tried so hard to bring the intimacy back but we are just going round in circles. Would I be unreasonable to leave such a great guy and my best friend?? I feel like we would be happy enough in the future but I feel like something is missing and I shouldn't just settle. Thoughts? :(

Thanks everyone for the replies/stories, it sounds like you all made the right decision! I think I know deep down what I need to do, I just can't bring myself to do it☹️ we had a little chat earlier and he looked so down and I just wanted to cuddle him. It's going to be the hardest thing ever because we care about each other so much but I think I just need to pull the band aid off now...

“It's going to be the hardest thing ever because we care about each other so much but I think I just need to pull the band aid off now...”

That’s right, OP. Although it will hurt and will take a while to recover from (for both of you), it is the right thing to do and the sooner it is done the better. Good luck.

Aww thank you so much

I just spoke to my mum and she said she's really disappointed in me, I've found a keeper and she thinks I'm doing the complete wrong thing. I feel like an awful person now... ☹️

Your mum isn't going to be spending the forthcoming years is a sexless relationship though is she?

There are other keepers out there.

Yeah I guess ☹️ we went out for food with friends tonight and I just love his company so much and we have so much fun. I really struggle to see life without him ☹️ I also keep thinking of all the fun times and holidays and I'm getting so upset. But I know that it's not enough☹️ any ideas on how to stop thinking like this would be much appreciated

God, mothers. Mine was also devastated. All good though, as she now adores my husband (and won’t let me be mean about him at all!)

"I just spoke to my mum and she said she's really disappointed in me, I've found a keeper and she thinks I'm doing the complete wrong thing. I feel like an awful person now... ☹️"

I'm sorry but your DM must have rather low expectations of a romantic partner. Is he a keeper because he's fun and reliable? There are other men out there who are decent, fun, reliable and interested in sex. This is a potential life partner you're discussing, not a brother figure. It may be that your mum finds the idea of you being disappointed with a lack of sex slightly hard to handle - I'm not sure many parents want to spend much time thinking about their children's sex lives, any more than their children want to think about their parents' sex lives.

As a PP said, it's not her signing up to 50+ years of sexless marriage. Celibacy is fine if both parties are happy with it but it is very rarely the case. Perhaps if you were both in your 70s or 80s and even then there are plenty of couples in those age groups who have an active sex life.

Your mum should perhaps spend some time reading MN relationship threads and then she might see how many posters' marriages are dying or have died through a lack of sex. Often they have already married and had children so disentangling themselves is much harder but they generally manage it because the personal cost of remaining in an involuntarily sexless marriage is too high. It is soul-destroying.

For most of us, the sexual dimension of our partnership is the single most obvious distinction between our relationship with our life partner and our other relationships. You're only 4.5 years into your relationship at an age when you both have more energy and fewer distractions (such as children) than you will have in later years and the sex has already dried up; attempts to fix it have failed and you have lost your sexual interest in your partner. This is not the basis for a life-time partnership. You're not a nun. You will certainly be tempted away by someone else in the future who is able to supply that need in you and it will cause far more problems if it happens then than if you're able to make a clean break now.

This is why you can't stop thinking this way - because your romantic relationship is failing to satisfy the single need which, above all, it is intended to satisfy and which you are not expected to have met elsewhere because to do so would be regarded as cheating (unless you are in an open relationship but that is not the case here).

Please don’t listen to your mum. It’s not her business and she’s being so unfair. I broke up with my now husband when we were a couple of years into our relationship because of the same reasons and my mum reacted the same way - disappointed in me etc, I felt awful. I ended up getting back with him even though the initial problems remained. 10 years and a couple of kids later I think my mum will be a whole lot more disappointed if I decide to end my marriage. I should have ignored it first time around. It’s YOUR life not hers, she may have low standards about what a long term relationship should be. I realise with hindsight that my parents marriage wasn’t all that happy but my mum stayed put and I think that scewed her view. Her parents marriage had been awful so I think in her mind as long as you found a ‘nice man’ you should be grateful and satisfied with that. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy trying to disentangle the messages I received about relationships growing up. Follow your gut - you KNOW this relationship isn’t enough for you. Set him free as well as yourself. The attraction and chemistry is missing and you’re too young to settle for that. Do it now before you make things a whole lot more complicated with marriage and kids.

Thank you both, a lot of what you've said makes perfect sense. My mum and dad don't exactly have the most loving/affectionate relationship and I think my mum 'puts up' with it. So she probably thinks I've got it super lucky having a nice, caring boyfriend who keeps me safe. Which I am - don't get me wrong - but it doesn't feel like a relationship. I think I'm struggling to realise that there are boys just as nice out there (although a lot seem like arseholes 😂).

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I'm going to bring myself to do it in the next few days, so need a bit of a handhold ☹️

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this – I could have written this myself about 6 months ago, right down to the age and the length of the relationship! I weighed up leaving so many times but I was too scared to because he was my best friend and in the end he left me. Our sex life was practically non-existent (his choice) but I loved him and I'd resigned myself to just putting up with it because 'having it all' felt too good to be true. I was devastated when we split and I still miss him, but I ended up sleeping with someone else recently and I honestly could have cried when I realised just how much I'd been missing out on. Life is too short to be in a sexless, passionless relationship at 23, it will hurt like hell for a while but it's okay to want more.

I was you, with slightly more sex. I'm now in a sexless marriage with a son, have no self confidence left and my parents are really piling the pressure on to keep me from leaving.

Go. Stay in touch, try to be friends, but find someone who makes you shine.

"Life is too short to be in a sexless, passionless relationship at 23, it will hurt like hell for a while but it's okay to want more."

This with bells on. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot and you haven't signed up to be a nun!

Good luck with taking the next step, OP. It will hurt but your future self will thank you. Get some RL support from your friends and keep posting here for support if it helps.

I'm sorry your mum was unhelpful.

I also keep thinking of all the fun times and holidays and I'm getting so upset

This is exactly how I felt and I told my Mum this - she pointed out that you have to stay because you like the mundane day-to-day life things together, not for the extras. No point having great extras if there's not a great base. It was so tough and I really feel for you but I do think you're right about just needing to rip the plaster off.

PS the indecision about what to do was FAR worse than actually doing it

Maybe your mum doesn’t know all the details eg the lack of sex.

Guys... I've just ended it ☹️ DP agreed with everything I said and believed it was for the best, but we just both absolutely bawled our eyes out, it was horrific.
Gonna need a serious hand hold over the next few weeks

It's interesting that he agreed it's for the best.

Sounds like you should be able to keep a friendship if you give yourselves some time and space.

Thank you 🤍 I think this has gone on longer than we liked to admit. It was very mutual but also we are both absolutely devastated, it was horrific 😭 worst thing I've ever done, we can't stop crying

Did not sleep at all last night, cannot stop crying, this is going to be even harder than I imagined

Oh OP, I feel for you, but you will be ok. I’m sure you can stay friends with him if you both want to.

It’ll be ok just take things one day at a time.

@yougrowgirl - it's going to hurt like hell for a while. You have been strong and brave - you both have. It's good that your BF takes the same view as you on this - ultimately it makes it easier for you both. It's hard to imagine now but your future selves will thank you for doing this.

You're both learning an incredibly useful life lesson here also - that sometimes doing the right thing is extremely painful. In due course, you will learn that the pain of heartbreak does heal and you will both go on to love and be loved again. That puts both of you in a strong position for the relationship opportunities that are ahead of you. And while you and he may not be able to have a platonic friendship right away - you will need a bit of space from each other otherwise it will be too easy to slip back into something where the boundaries are all blurred, because it will be initially comforting to do so - I'm sure you will get to a place where you can enjoy each other's company without pain and your relationship will just be a source of happy memories for you both.

For now, pamper yourself as much as possible. Get support from your friends in real life and keep posting here for support also if it helps.

A massive well done for being so brave and I'm sorry you're hurting

I agree with PP who said you will need a bit of space from each other otherwise it will be too easy to slip back into something where the boundaries are all blurred, because it will be initially comforting to do so and also with their opinion that you sound like a platonic friendship WILL be possible in the future, just don't try to rush into it for the above reasons.

Reach out to your friends. Lean on them, try to organise things even if it's a 10 min Skype call - try to get outside every day even if it's to cry in the garden/quiet spot of a park (obviously aim for a walk or something but if that feels too much just get some fresh air). It will make a difference. Treat yourself but try not to do that with alcohol!

Who and what would you say is the actual problem?
Does he want more but you're struggling with low libido? Are you both uninterested? Is it someone's low self esteem/embarassment?
If its more your issue, do you have a general lack of interest in sex and or men? Do you fancy other people/think about being intimate with them?

I ask because I'm just a few years older than you and a couple of years ago my libido dropped off a cliff. I felt like a plant. I was left completely cold by anything erotic or sexy not just sex with my partner. I was also living with my partner of now 6 years. The issue wasnt him, I do and did adore him and find him gorgeous. And he was still interested in that way, although he didn't pressure me, he did want more.

The issue with me I found out was an undiagnosed medical issue which was causing general fatigue, exhaustion, apathy etc.

Im now on medication and things are so so much better. He's happy because I'll actually initiate now and often wont let him out of bed on weekends hahaha.

I ask because if its one sided on your part maybe check if something is causing your low libido... Could be hormonal, a health problem mental or physical or your contraception.

Oh sorry OP ive just seen your update. I hadnt read to the end before I replied.
Hope you're ok!