I can't bring myself to leave but something is missing :(

[yougrowgirl]

I'm 23 and have been with my DP for over 4 and a half years. We are living together in a rented flat. He is my absolute best friend and rock, he can't do enough for me and we get on so well. We are always laughing and I know I am really lucky to have him.

However, we are just lacking in intimacy so much. We have sex monthly if that and it feels like a chore. We used to have it more but we've never really been "at it like rabbits". We rarely do anything else or kiss very often, but we cuddle an awful lot. I just can't help feeling like something is missing and have felt like this for months. I almost feel guilty and ungrateful though because I know I am really lucky, and we do not have a toxic relationship in any way. I'm so scared to leave him because I would never see him again and in so many ways he is my best friend. But I genuinely feel like he is my roommate.

We have tried so hard to bring the intimacy back but we are just going round in circles. Would I be unreasonable to leave such a great guy and my best friend?? I feel like we would be happy enough in the future but I feel like something is missing and I shouldn't just settle. Thoughts? :(

Thank you everyone 🤍 woken up feeling sick and shaky today, just feel like I'm feeling worse and worse.
About to go tell my parents, this'll be fun.. ☹️

I’m sorry to hijack so shamelessly but @Cincoperros I’m really interested in what you were diagnosed with, as I suffer with very similar. If you felt up to it could you pm me?

OP I went through a similar breakup not long ago. It’s unbearable when you both love - adore! - each other. But if something important is missing it shouldn’t be ignored as you’ll end up resentment, and, especially with sex, your self esteem could really suffer. Keep you eyes on the big picture, a month, a year, three years down the line when the dust has settled and you two can be really good friends.

I feel like an actual idiot making myself so unhappy and depressed when my relationship was a fairly happy one 😬 we still get on so well, am I being a mug lol

"But if something important is missing it shouldn’t be ignored as you’ll end up resentment, and, especially with sex, your self esteem could really suffer. Keep you eyes on the big picture, a month, a year, three years down the line when the dust has settled and you two can be really good friends."

This.

You're not an idiot and you're not being a mug. And remember that your ex-BF agreed with you that it made sense to end the relationship.

The fact that you get on so well is why your relationship lasted as long as it did and why you will in due course become friends. But it is not enough for a romantic relationship. Your relationship was lacking in the one thing which friendship alone does not provide, the one thing which most of us share only with our life partners and not our friends, namely sex.

Also, you say your relationship was a fairly happy one. Fairly happy doesn't cut it for a life time commitment - particularly when that's the state of the relationship before the stresses and strains of children, ageing parents etc.. Every relationship has its ups and downs but you should go into that life time commitment feeling deeply content with your partner and your relationship.

You've done really well, OP - been strong and brave. You will feel heartbroken for a while, even though it is the right thing. But the pain will pass and you will get to a good place.

Thanks so much, I think I needed to hear that xx

Update: spent the last few days bawling my eyes out, we are still in the flat together. All I want to do is cuddle him ☹️ he has just gone to his family's home for the weekend and I literally have never cried so much after he's just left. I am really starting to doubt what I've done because literally every little thing is making me bawl and I've always been able to see a future with him in terms of kids and marriage - he'd be amazing. Just the sex/excitement wasn't there.
He is planning on moving out next week and I almost feel like I want to make the most of the time he is here because I'm going to miss him so much☹️ I tried to go out with a friend last night and honestly I just wanted to go back home to him.
He's been so lovely and caring throughout this all even though he's hurting and I feel weird that I feel so shit about a choice I've literally come to myself. This is absolutely horrific

OP, you are absolutely right to re cognise this is a serious issue, but I don't quite get whether you have got to the root of why you have no sex. You clearly adore each other and you think he's attractive. Does he think you are attractive? If he does, then you have got into the habit of having an asexual relationship (maybe caused by living at your parents for so long.)

If you want to give it another go, there are a few things you can try. One is to have sex every single night for a month. Sounds weird, but it sort of kick starts your libido. Just do it. Do it fast, slow, in bed, on the floor, against the wall, get romantic, get rough and ready etc, have quickies, try tantric sex etc - just try lots of different ways of connecting sexually so it's not DTD that is am issue but how you do it, rather than whether you do it.

Another thing you can do is do something new and slightly scary together every week - anything from rollercoaster rides, coasteering, off road biking, wild camping etc. Get some adrenalin back into the relationship.

I think these things are worth trying before you ditch someone you so clearly love.

Thanks so much for your suggestions - we did try a few of them last week but it just felt so forced and awkward and it didn't blow me away.

I think we have made our decision and it'd be too messy and unfair to turn back now ☹️ this has been the worst couple of days of my life though and I feel so sick, even trying to talk about it is so hard, because he's literally never put a foot wrong in our relationship and I'm finding it so hard to let go

I think it's run it's course OP. Just be grateful you didn't have children.

I think we have made our decision and it'd be too messy and unfair to turn back now

You're right OP.

So far, you've both behaved with integrity and been compassionate with each other.

Neither of you have done anything wrong - the connection isn't there.

It's awful & painful, and what you need to do now is put distance between you. In time, a friendship might be possible.

Don't be tempted to try again, or have sex now.

Monkey's suggestions are just plain odd, in the circumstances. You are 24. There should be no need to force yourself to have sex each day to save your relationship 🙄

💐 be kind to yourself

The thought of doing this to him crushes me sad
You are not doing it 'to' him, realistically both of you will be happier long term if you are free to pursue new relationships.
Be strong.

OP I was in a similar situation as you in my 20s - not because of the sex but because deep down I knew I wasn’t going to be spending the rest of my life with this guy.
It was the hardest thing I ever did and I grieved for a whole year over him. And it was grief. It was like someone had died and it hurt so much. I tried to reignite it after a couple of months but he declined ( thankfully).
What made it even harder was that he got over it far quicker than I did and met his now wife after 7-8 months and I was still processing my feelings.
Fast forward and I’ve been married over 20 years to a fantastic man.
Thinks will be ok for you. X

*Things

@EarringsandLipstick - I didn't mean force yourself. I meant - sometimes a good relationship slips into something too platonic and you need to kick start it again. But you are right, OP's very young and there's no need. My advice is more suited to people who have been married for decades and love each other but have ended up slobbing on the sofa instead of swinging from the chandeliers.

thank you for your advice though monkey I appreciate it Xxx

and thanks everyone for your kind words 🤍

Hi everyone just thought I'd post an update.

It's been 3 weeks now and I'm getting there but I still keep having so many feelings of regret and remembering how lovely and caring he was and what good memories we had. I'm still crying an awful lot and I can't perform very well at work because I just feel so sad and mopey. Getting up feels like a chore everyday. I miss him in so many ways yet know it was the right decision ☹️

Please tell me this gets easier

Just reading this for the first time and you two have been so mature and lovely. Those happy memories do make you feel sadness and regret, but better that than bitterness and hate. A lovely start for both of your future relationships.

Awww how kind @ravenmum I really needed to hear that, thank you xx

@ravenmum has put it perfectly.

You've both behaved in an extremely mature and thoughtful manner about this.

It's natural that you should still feel very sad - you're grieving a relationship which was very important to you. But you were right to end it, as you say.

This will definitely get easier. It may take some months before you start to feel mostly happy again: after all, you were together 4.5 years which is a significant period of time and you're still very much at the stage of getting used to him not being central to your life and to all the space in your life which would previously have been filled by him and activities with him. That will all take some getting used to before it stops causing serious pangs. But there will come a time when the happy times make you smile fondly but cause you no pain or regret.

Aww thanks everyone that really is so lovely

I'm still in our flat as I need to find a flatmate and a car (we shared one) and he's at his parents. It's been so hard being in the flat alone and I've had other stuff going on with work and friendships too. He's been so caring, worried about me, checking I'm ok and helping me with everything.
Can't help but feel I've thrown away a gem here and been an idiot and it's making things 10x harder

Thanks all for the lovely encouraging words, they really have helped so so much x

Just because two people are kind, thoughtful and decent and get on well, it doesn't mean they have to be an actual couple :) With any luck you'll be able to maintain this nice friendship.

Yeah you're right @ravenmum 😊 I really hope after a few months of healing we can be friends - I'd hate for him to not be in my life even a little bit

Worst night last night - I woke up every hour or so crying and overthinking about all sorts - thinking about our first dates, or our holidays, or our time at uni...
I really can't see this getting easier 🥺

Op-wishing you so much luck and love. It sounds very much like it was mutual in the end and you are so young to move on and realise it was the right decision eventually, well done to have made this step.

@Cincoperros Please can you pm me as I’ve been struggling for a long time and feel it’s a medical condition but over the years, it’s been written off but I feel it’s more. I’ve got loads of gynae issues and am awaiting a hysterectomy so keep clutching at straws this will help x

Why don’t you have sex - is it because YOU don’t want to? And he doesn’t badger you to do it more often because he doesn’t want to be a sex pest?

Do you fancy other people? Have you ever suffered from a low sex-drive before?

I’m married to a nice guy and sex has gone a bit off the boil recently, but that’s because I’m not really in the mood. I wouldn’t dump mine because of it though - my first husband was someone I had great sex with but in every other way he was 100% wrong for me, and it wrecked my life!

If you’ve got a great guy and a great relationship, surely you can fix the sex? I think it’s worth trying. Especially if the thought of dumping him and never seeing him again makes you upset. If he was the wrong person for you, the idea of splitting up would fill you with relief and excitement.

Oh no! Sorry. I just RTFT and saw you’ve already agreed to split up. Hope you feel better soon. 🤗