I can't bring myself to leave but something is missing :(

[yougrowgirl]

I'm 23 and have been with my DP for over 4 and a half years. We are living together in a rented flat. He is my absolute best friend and rock, he can't do enough for me and we get on so well. We are always laughing and I know I am really lucky to have him.

However, we are just lacking in intimacy so much. We have sex monthly if that and it feels like a chore. We used to have it more but we've never really been "at it like rabbits". We rarely do anything else or kiss very often, but we cuddle an awful lot. I just can't help feeling like something is missing and have felt like this for months. I almost feel guilty and ungrateful though because I know I am really lucky, and we do not have a toxic relationship in any way. I'm so scared to leave him because I would never see him again and in so many ways he is my best friend. But I genuinely feel like he is my roommate.

We have tried so hard to bring the intimacy back but we are just going round in circles. Would I be unreasonable to leave such a great guy and my best friend?? I feel like we would be happy enough in the future but I feel like something is missing and I shouldn't just settle. Thoughts? :(

Treat yourself as if you were poorly for a while - get in your favourite food, listen to some sad music and let yourself grieve. It's totally normal. You've been together since you were a teenager, of course it won't feel better yet. It takes a good while. If you have trouble sleeping, maybe get some exercise before going to bed - take up jogging for instance.

Ah sorry OP.
It's normal to feel physically ill/broken, doubtful and regretful etc. Give yourself lots of time to grieve. It's a hard and painful thing to go through but at your age it would not be right to settle for this lack of physical stuff. Your body told you it was over (the feeling sick and anxious) and when it's like that there is no choice but to listen really!
Hope you can stay friends although it could take a while to get to that.
You'll be ok.

Oh god guys I'm having a massive meltdown lol ☹️ 3 weeks in and I'm starting to feel like I wish I didnt take him for granted and wished I was more appreciative of him. He was honestly so lovely, supportive, always had my back and we got on so so well. The only things were him being laid back (I wish I just embraced and accepted that now) and lack of intimacy and I wish I tried harder at that. But he's adamant that we made our decision and that things happen for a reason but I genuinely think maybe I was just selfish, took him for granted and I've made a massive mistake I feel sick every day 🥺

I think the fact that he is adamant probably means he was already feeling the same- it is early days, and it will get better. What you are missing is the comfort of a really supportive best friend - if you've been together at uni it is probably scary to be living alone too.

One day you'll meet someone who fulfils all this, and you'll also want sex with them too. Just hang in there you can do it!

That kind of relationship is what I'd like now at 58, it doesn't sound like the kind of relationship for a young woman.
Where is the passion or the life in it. There has to be a spark surely. It sounds to me as if this is just a friendship not a relationship and maybe should just stay a friendship so you can move forward onto something better.

Sorry you're going through such a hard time :( My personal view is that sex us a bit overrated in a relationship. I think too much importance is placed on it in regards to compatibility, when there are far more important areas that matter in a relationship.

HOWEVER, if you weren't happy with the level of intimacy, then you did the right thing to end it. Just make sure it's because of your feelings on it, and not what you think society deems as important in a relationship x

If it’s any consolation OP - I was in just the place you are at your age. The truth is you are still young - and you crave the highs and lows of new experiences with new people. I left someone ‘just right’ for me following four years of happiness that started to become stale. It just happens. My father asked why when she was so good - and the honest answer is - I just hadn’t finished living my life.
I imagined maturing and making my fortune and maybe coming back as someone she fully deserved. I never became that person and, well, life took over.
What will be will be - young hearts are free x

"I think the fact that he is adamant probably means he was already feeling the same- it is early days, and it will get better. What you are missing is the comfort of a really supportive best friend - if you've been together at uni it is probably scary to be living alone too."

This. Honestly, you've done the right thing. The characteristics you're describing are terrific - but they would apply to any good friend. Quite naturally, you wanted sexual intimacy with your life partner. You can get the other stuff - the emotional support, the companionship etc. - from friends. Your relationship gave you everything you wanted from a friendship but lacked the physical intimacy which, for me, is key to distinguishing a partnership from a friendship. Some partners can do without it but that wasn't the case for you. As a PP said, it's one thing to sign up to a sexless relationship in your late 50s, 60s or 70s (though there are plenty who don't), but in your 20s!?!

Don't get me wrong - my DH and I are great friends and any long-term relationship should have that. But I have other great friends too. Ultimately it is the sexual intimacy - and the related emotional intimacy - that DH and I share which makes our relationship special to us. You didn't have that and you rightly recognised you needed it.

Also, the facts that he agreed with you that you should split and has been so adamant that there's no coming back from it really do suggest that, deep down, it is what he wanted also. He knew the lack of sexual intimacy was a problem, that you had needs that he was not meeting - perhaps, at some level, ending the relationship was actually a relief to him.

It's still very early days. You are only 3 weeks in. He was probably your first love. It took me the best part of a year to completely get over the ending of my nearly 3 year relationship with my first love (obviously I didn't feel awful all that time - the pain was worst in the first 3-4 months and came in waves after that). You will get over this and you will realise that this was the right decision.

Good luck, OP, and keep posting here for support.

Thanks so so much everyone for the kind words 🤍 this is honestly cutting me so much but I guess it's time to move on now! I'm quite a boring person and don't have loads of hobbies so I don't know how I'm gonna cope, I also really want to travel but can't even do that right now with covid! But I'll be ok hopefully

@madcatladyforever

That kind of relationship is what I'd like now at 58, it doesn't sound like the kind of relationship for a young woman. Where is the passion or the life in it. There has to be a spark surely. It sounds to me as if this is just a friendship not a relationship and maybe should just stay a friendship so you can move forward onto something better.

I’m 50 and wish I had the same.

These feelings post-break up are totally normal. It sucks but you will get through it.

You made the right choice. Hang in there.

Hi everyone!

6 weeks in now and this honestly has not got any easier 🥺 things are okay but nothing is the same. I'm trying to do no contact and I miss him so much every single day. I really miss everything about him ☹️

try to focus on the things that were wrong - the level of wrong was just too much for it to be a life partner thing. Time helps and keeps helping. Get yourself a mantra and distract as much as poss. I listened to audiobooks and redecorated my house once during a break up. Kept my brain and hands distracted til the waves of brief became small and then non existent, instead of being consuming. You'll get there x

grief*

Sounds to me like you have all the weight of this relationship.
People fight for each other. He didn't for you. He just accepts that you've made your bed and that's it.
I really hope you feel better soon because he has moved on. Very harsh but he just doesn't want to fix things.
It will get better but you need to get angry to see the reality not the sugar coated version that you are now telling yourself.

Trying not to be mean, but you both mutually agreed it wasn't working as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and hadn't been for some time. I think you are beating yourself up about ending it when you only broached the subject. He agreed and although you say he's such a lovely man, part of me is suspicious that rather than be the bad guy, he was waiting for you to raise the issues that you both felt.

You were together for 4 years and your breakup wasn’t acrimonious so it will take time. Months and maybe a year to fully be ready. You’re still in the early days of it, stay busy as possible and just take one day at a time.

@Justmuddlingalong

Trying not to be mean, but you both mutually agreed it wasn't working as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and hadn't been for some time. I think you are beating yourself up about ending it when you only broached the subject. He agreed and although you say he's such a lovely man, part of me is suspicious that rather than be the bad guy, he was waiting for you to raise the issues that you both felt.

Exactly this. If things were as she described, it sounds like he had actually checked out of the relationship a while back and was deliberately allowing them to drift apart but hoping she will be the one to end it. OP is too naive to have spotted it because she's too emotionally dependent on him. Men are often too cowardly to be the "bad guy", especially if they can see the woman is more into them than he is into her, and they don't want to have to deal with all the emotions, crying etc. from the woman which would happen if they were the one to end it.

Damn this Covid! I really feel that going travelling would have been the perfect antidote for you right now. Going on an adventure would open your eyes to new experiences and people. When I was younger, this is what all my girlfriends did after a big breakup. They never looked back (and some never came back!). Hold in there and keep this as a dream to work toward when things start to return to normality.

Oh my godddd guys I just got a letter in the post from him, it was 4 pages long. It started with him apologising for everything that happened, apologising that it got to the point of us breaking up and that hopefully in time we will see it was the right decision.
He then thanked me for some of his favourite memories which he detailed, then a paragraph on how he knows my mental health is poor and my self esteem is poor. He wrote about me being good enough and all the amazing qualities I have, and he's lucky to know me, and whoever ends up with me is lucky

He finished it saying hopefully it's not goodbye forever, he loves and misses me, and to go and smash life. So it's basically the complete end now.

I am actually a broken mess right now

Oh what a lovely gift to you. I know it hurts and adds finality but with all the threads on here where women are dealing with the aftermath of abuse it’s something for you to take away and treasure. So many women leave and have to rebuild a sense of themselves and safety. This man is telling you how much he respects you and wishes you well. There’s no blame, no vitriol, just love. This sets the bar high for you. You will accept nothing less than these qualities plus the passion that was missing here. Let him go with love and in time new Mr Right will come into your life.

I had a similar experience when was about the same age as you, was with a guy for 3 years who was perfect in everyway, except lack of chemistry. As others on here have described, it was hard to break up but due to the reason, new partners have accepted us being friends and he is still one of my best friends. Like you and your DP, we were both aware it was an issue, in the end it was just a case of accepting this and breaking up amicably. If the chemistry is not there - it is not going to 'appear', with effort. Sorry, it just doesn't work like that. My current DP (14 years) can annoy (even bore) me in some ways, but that chemsitry is always there and I believe it helps to keep us together in tricky times. You deserve to experience that.

I can really relate. This is my life now. Two kids in and 8 years in. No sex for a year. He's kind. Great dad. Helpful. But God he's boring. His conversation is rubbish. He's always moaning. He's always tired. Always achy. Just wish he was more masculine and didn't whinge after cutting the grass.

What @ilikemethewayiam said is spot on. It was lovely of him to write you the letter and it will give you very good standards for future relationships.

But like other PPs, I think that his ready acceptance that your relationship needed to end says that it was also, deep down, what he wanted. He knew he wasn't meeting your need for sexual intimacy. I suspect that it was in some ways a relief to him.

You're only 6 weeks in - it is still going to be painful and difficult. It is a shame you can't go travelling or do something that would give you a complete change of scene. This phase will be harder as a result because you will be continually reminded of the space which he has left in your life. It is harder to find distractions right now.

But any distractions you can identify will be useful. Are there any on-line classes you could do? Could you take up a new hobby? Learn an instrument? My sister took up the piano to get over a break-up and now plays to Grade 8 standard. Or take up crafts? Learn a language? Do a virtual marathon? The busier and more interested in other things you make yourself the easier it will be for you. It's important to still feel the pain and loss - don't just ignore it completely - but fill your life with other things too.

Most of us have been where you are and we can confirm that there will come a time when you feel only pleasure and happiness when you look back on your relationship with this man - no loss or pain. You will almost certainly be able to be friends once the dust has settled (though you're sensible to go NC for now). And I'm certain you will in time meet a man who can offer you all the same benefits in terms of friendship but also the sexual intimacy which is the cornerstone of a successful long-term adult relationship.