Confusing behaviour - a compliment with a dig

[Stuck1]

Am I being over sensitive here? My husband does this all the time and I don’t get it!

For example tonight, I went to the shop and bought a sharer tub of ice cream for us to eat watching the tv, but I also bought a bottle of coke for me. I didn’t buy him a drink as I had bought him one earlier in the day and noticed it was still in the fridge. So we sat down to eat the ice cream and he said “you’re perfect buying us ice cream to share” followed by “you even got me a bottle of coke” obviously this was a dig because I had not brought him a drink and he was trying to make me feel guilty about it!

The other day I went to a bakery and bought my boss a birthday cake and so as to not leave my husband and kids out I let them each choose a cake each to have whilst I was celebrating my bosses birthday at work (I work in a bar)
The next day he commented on how it was nice of me to buy her a cake followed by “but you didn’t bring me a piece back did you” I was like that’s why I bought you all a cake each so you weren’t missing out!

I mean recently I noticed he actually does this a lot!

Has anyone else experienced it?

He's being a pass remarkable twat. Play him at his own game

Ugh he sounds like an idiot. Call him out on his behaviour.

Is it a sense of humour thing? If he said it jokingly it wouldn't bother.

Maybe. He does have a weird sense of humour but still why feel the need to try and guilt me all the time. It’s like nothing I do is quite good enough because there is always a but...

How ridiculous. And childish!

He sounds like a right petty twat. Tell him to grow up!

That's weird, I wouldn't know what to make of it but I wouldn't be able to let it go until I understood what his intention was. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

Tell him to get off his arse and get it himself🤬
My ex would pull shit like that, for example I would pick him up something from the chippy on the way home after I'd been out with kids all day. His response was to smile sweetly and comment that I must be tired because I obviously couldn't be bothered to go to his favourite chippy
(On the other side of town)
There are plenty of other examples but what you said about nothing ever being good enough really jumped out as me.

I would constantly second guess myself just trying for once to do something right. I had to try to prove that I had thought about him if I'd been out somewhere. It was utterly draining and It played havoc with my nerves!

Nothing will ever be good enough so please don't even attempt it. He is quite literally playing with your head to see how far he can push you.
It seems so trivial but it is insidious and leaves you questioning yourself.
Nip it in the bud right now!

call him out on it every time. ask him why he does it and point out how it makes you feel, and how you don't do it to him.

I have called him out on it a few times. Tonight I just looked at him and said you have sprite in the fridge that I bought you earlier that’s why I didn’t buy you another drink. He responded by saying oh I finished that off (I didn’t realise this) and I’m just joking god why you being like that!
I explained that I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty for not bringing him a drink but he was like oh I’m just kidding but in a way that I was being horrible to him.

I dunno it’s just another issue on top of a whole load of issues that I’m trying to process and understand

I hope that I'm wrong but look up narcissistic behaviour.

Had an ex like this who was always making sad little digs.... he said it was a confidence issue (as if I needed bringing down a peg??) but with hindsight it seems like he just didn’t like me and wanted to start fights/ distancing to begin a break up. It’s annoying when they do digs to acts of kindness especially... like a thank you would be appreciated! But instead you get a dig. The message is that nothing you do is good enough, keeps you down :(

Thing is, you wouldn’t make sad digs at him. Don’t know what the answer is as I broke up with my ex. Hope it hasn’t been like this for a while and hope it stops soon!

He sounds like a dickhead even without all the other issues you say there are (feel free to share if you feel able.) 'Just joking' is what abusive wankers often say.

I'd reply that he was lucky he got anything at all and he'd better not push his luck or he'll get nothing next time!

Turn it around - “What? Are you four?”

That 'just joking', 'your oversensitive', 'learn how to take a joke' catchphrases are really telling. He will never admit he is wrong - your behaviour and his bad behaviour will always be your fault. It is tedious.

My X used to pointedly underappreciate things I'd done for him (I didn't ask you to) or things I'd bought for him. I think it was to diminish my contribution in his eyes so he didn't feel he owed me anything. Everything was transactional so if he established I did nothing decent for him, he wouldn't have to do anything decent for me.

It's 1v1, not a team.

It's effectively "negging" (Google it) or as we used to call it, a back handed compliment. Like
Twat: Is that a new dress? Looks nice
You: Thanks! Yes I - -
Twat (interrupting) : It helps disguise your weight.

(my mother was the grand International champion of this, and I've had to learn as an adult how to receive a compliment gracefully)

I don't think that's exactly what he's doing here - it seems to be more about him. The two examples you've given, it sounds like his basic insinuation is "you don't do enough for me". Like if you came home with a brand new sports car for him, he'd say "Oh it's lovely. But I thought you would have remembered I don't like convertible cars..."

Does that feel close to what's happening?

The examples you give suggest that he's insecure - he wants to feel that he is the centre of your universe and the fact that you didn't buy him a coke means (to him) that you weren't putting him at the centre of your universe when you were buying a coke for yourself.

Are there any other examples you could give?

Umm another example I bought him some swim shorts as he had ripped all of his at the waterpark (were posted abroad) I bought him 3 pairs, he didn’t ask me to I was out shopping and thought I’d grab him some. I got him red, turquoise and black. When i got home and handed them to him he was like oh thanks,, why did you get me turquoise I don’t think that colour suits me. And I already have black ones.

Another example was Valentine’s Day, I had bought him a card and put it on the side (unwritten yet) and booked us brunch by the sea.
He hadn’t got me anything and not a card so he took my card from me before I wrote in it and hid it. He didn’t want me to give him the card because he hadn’t got me one, I found this to be a weird thing to do as well

Sorry I name changed lol

He's a twat. Stop doing thoughtful things for him, he doesn't appreciate it.

He won't fully/genuinely thank you for things because he thinks then he owes you or you are winning or some bollocks.

It's childish and has no place in a good relationship.

Don't know what to advise - I dumped mine. You could talk but they don't like being called out on things that make them look pathetic.

Oh god has he been on ‘how to neg’ sores or something?

Sites!!!

I knew someone like that who'd apparently been like it even as a child.
Was your DH a middle child who didn't get any love and attention by any chance?
It's like they're stuck at age 7... and a maladjusted, acting-out age 7 at that.