Confusing behaviour - a compliment with a dig

[Stuck1]

Am I being over sensitive here? My husband does this all the time and I don’t get it!

For example tonight, I went to the shop and bought a sharer tub of ice cream for us to eat watching the tv, but I also bought a bottle of coke for me. I didn’t buy him a drink as I had bought him one earlier in the day and noticed it was still in the fridge. So we sat down to eat the ice cream and he said “you’re perfect buying us ice cream to share” followed by “you even got me a bottle of coke” obviously this was a dig because I had not brought him a drink and he was trying to make me feel guilty about it!

The other day I went to a bakery and bought my boss a birthday cake and so as to not leave my husband and kids out I let them each choose a cake each to have whilst I was celebrating my bosses birthday at work (I work in a bar)
The next day he commented on how it was nice of me to buy her a cake followed by “but you didn’t bring me a piece back did you” I was like that’s why I bought you all a cake each so you weren’t missing out!

I mean recently I noticed he actually does this a lot!

Has anyone else experienced it?

He sounds like a fucking mood hooverer.

Every time he says something say ‘ere we fucking go again’

Every-single-time.

He will soon stop enough Mx They are not compliments by the way, they are designed to make you feel shit. Why would he want to do that?

Does he ever just say 'thank you.? I notice that when you bought the ice cream he said 'you're perfect buying ice cream...' and then 'but where's my drink,' not 'thank you for buying the ice cream.'

Almost as though, if he said 'thank you' he'd have nothing to 'take back'. Nice words should never be followed with a 'but'.

Does he ever get little treats for you when he's out ?

Does he get you a bottle of wine when he's going out ?
Does he pick you up a cream cake because he's bought one for his lunch ?

No ?

I'm confused about why both you and he seem to think that if YOU'RE going to get something (like birthday cake at WORK FFS, not even at home !), that HE has to be suitably recompensed ???

When was the last time HE got something for YOU?

On seeing the lovely salad I had prepared for myself (all family sort themselves food at lunchtimes, I do dinner for everyone at teatimes) my DH once remarked “Ooh, I’m alright Jack”. My reply of “God forbid anyone make ANYTHING for me” did actually hit home.

I wonder if its learned behaviour from a parent. But regardless of the source or reason, its shit behaviour and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

I think you should call him out on it, not when it's happening, not in front of DC obviously, but when you're both chilling and relaxed. Tell him that the way he reacts makes you feel hurt and unappreciated.

If he's a decent human, he'll accept that your feelings were hurt and that when someone does something for you, the kind response is "thank you love". And then stop!

If he dismisses your feelings, tells you you can't take a joke, or starts acting passive aggressive the next time you do something for him (EG making out he wants to say something, then shaking his head and saying "oh no, I must comment, must I") then you know he's a cunt. A cunt who doesn't give a shit that he upsets you.

It feels a bit like be is trying to drum into you 'think of my needs, think of my needs, think of my needs' whilst also using these comments to make you think he feels you are selfish...in order to make you feel the need to prove that you arent. By, how? By thinking of his needs, his needs, his needs of course!

Does he present any other narcissist type tendencies? Because I would be on the lookout.

He sounds like a child. I wouldn't buy him anything especially not a cake so he wasn't feeling left out on someone else's birthday

Next time:

'Oh I did think of buying you one/getting one for you too/whatever the example is... but then I realised, I'd be taking away your opportunity to have a dig at me, and I just couldn't do that to you!' (sweet smile)

Then when he goes off on one

'Oh for god's sake you totally can't take a joke can you? Dish it out, lap it up baby...' (more smiling and laughing)

However, while that's ok for a bit, the sad thing is that he's a stupid negging twat who sees relationships as some sort of 'competition' to be most right/most hard done by. It's tiresome and unsupportive.

Yes he does buy me chocolate etc when he goes to the shop sometimes but he will make a comment like “see I’m so thoughtful”

Yes someone commented earlier to google narcissist and it does sound a lot like him to be honest

Uh oh. Big problem if he is one of them op.

Some are a lot worse than the others i suppose, but...given enough time, they'll all suck the soul out of you.

Urgh he's negging you sorry you are married to this petty man. I used to have one of those. Exhausting.

I would start taking the piss out of him for being so fucking childish. "Would diddums like a hot milky drink?" "Oh poor baby did mummy forget to get you an extra bit" so childish.

The other thing you can say is.. "Not. Sexy. Not sexy AT ALL" and stare at him. That will stop him in his tracks.

There are a few reasons I now believe my husband is a narcissist, as I have read into it and a lot of things ring true. What do you think about this though, would you consider this narcissistic?
So I had been at the beach with my friend and my kids my husband had been out day drinking with his friends; My husband messaged me and said he was coming to the beach bar where we were so I said fine. When he got here I said it was time for me to leave with the kids and get them sorted for the evening but he could stay and have longer with his friends. My friend also stayed as she had another friend there. She later told me that my husband was overly telling her how much he loved and adores me, constantly saying it, she said she felt like he was trying to convince her. I also felt he was doing this to convince her that he was an amazing guy. He also does something similar when I’m video calling my mum, he will come over and randomly kiss me,, as if to prove a point?

He’s trying to get a reaction out of you. He’s goading you, and making you defensive. Every time he does something like this just reply, ‘Yeah, whatever’ and carry on with whatever you’re doing. With a bit of luck he’ll get bored quickly.

Yeah i think some communication issue there, firstly he should understand the skill in telling a joke is whether the recipient finds it funny, otherwise it's a useless joke.
Secondly if he has an issue with something he should say When you did x (didn't buy me a coke it whatever) it made me feel y (eg forgotten about)
Same goes for you. By doing that you are transferring the situation from your monkey brain to your logical mind so you can actually process it long term.
At first things will be ridiculous and wtf but once you get past that stage hopefully without strangling each other you will understand each other and yourselves better. Good luck.

Sounds emotionally abusive. Compliments followed by digs is a red flag for a narcissist. So is feeling confused about your relationship. People who say 'only joking!' are usually abusive twats and trying to gaslight you about what they just said, so that's another red flag.

As for your update op...
I guess it depends... I mean ive seen it being the other way about - they are all over you in private but in public, they act as if you've just shat in their sandwich xD (annoyed with u).

But acting as if they are an extra loving bf who really cares about you in front of ppl can also be a tactic to make others think they are this way, yes. So that if you mention to these friends/fam that he is treating you like shit, they won't believe it.

Trust your gut.

After reading your last post he reminds me of my fil. Fil is a deeply ingrained misogynistic man and just likes making women squirm and feel uncomfortable then passing it off as a joke. I think you may have to look at the bigger picture of what your dh is really like.

Thankyou for replying, oh I have recently been looking at the bigger picture, I have sought lots of information on here. Yes it goes a lot deeper than just a compliment with a dig.
I’m just really confused by all of then information I am getting from everyone, deep down I know it is all correct but I suppose I’m in denial that I let these things happen or that input you with it. I know I should leave and I want to leave I’m just in a sticky situation at the minute, posted abroad with his work, we have less than a year left and I don’t know whether it would be best to wait it out so I can go straight back to our family home which is currently rented out till we get back (contracted) but the other half of me is looking at rentals and jobs now

*or that I put up with it

He sounds like a complete monster I don’t mean to make him sound like this. This is obviously the bad parts, he has good parts too. But I think I’m past everything

Nc fail op!

From experience I’d not go anywhere untill your financially sorted. This might be a time for you to solidify how you feel.

The book ‘too bad to stay, too good to leave’ is excellent and really put mine and my ex’s issues in to clear perspective. Lots of things I didn’t think about where brought up in the book and half way through I knew very clearly what I wanted to do and that I’d be much happier on my own. It really took the confusion away. You can download it on to your phone. I really recommend it.

Good luck

@Cassandra1

He sounds like a complete monster I don’t mean to make him sound like this. This is obviously the bad parts, he has good parts too. But I think I’m past everything

My ex wasn’t a monster, far from it. He was a very good provider and is a great dad. We did have some really good times but towards the end they were few and far between. But I wasn’t happy and it was behaviours of his that we’re making me feel like that. Read the book it’s good x

Say 'don't fxxxing gaslight me, pretending to make a joke whilst deliberately making a dig'.

Say it angrily, everyone hates someone being angry with them.
Better this than letting him argue his way out of it which adds further gaslighting to the already gaslighting, leaving him smug and you more annoyed.

I'd flag it every time. Perhaps just say 'sad little dig' in reply each and every time. No other response.