I love you differently

[CoatHangers5]

Been with DP 4 years. Both have been married previously and have children with ex spouses. His marriage was 16 years long, and mine 14 years.

He announced last night that he loves me differently to how he loved his ex. I’m confused now, because I wouldn’t have said I love him differently to how I love my ex. I get that there are variations of love I.e I love my grandparents differently to how I love my children, but now I feel that was he meant was ‘I love you less’. Thoughts?

What did he say when you said - "What does that mean?"

I’d ask him what he meant by that, what a horrible thing to say.

When I asked what he meant he replied with ‘surely you love me differently to your ex too’. I don’t. It literally shut me down, I just didn’t know what to respond with, it hurt and I’ve been dwelling on it since last night.

Love differently because you and the ex are just different people? I am not sure I would think better or worse.

Do you think maybe it's for one he loved some characteristic and for the other he loved a different characteristic?

I don't think it's a nasty thing to say and it depends on the context. Love in a long term relationship can change over time and be different.

What you as love when you're younger, can change as you mature.

I think the most important thing is how he treats you. Did he respect you... do you feel like an equal in your relationship.

I'm not really one for comparing partners....or the way you loved different partners.

So he didn’t explain what he meant. Would ask again!

And wouldn’t be fobbed off.

Does he mean he loved her differently as she is a mother to his children?
I imagine my boyfriend feels differently about me than his ex wife, they have children together. It is different.

I don't think it necessarily means that he loves you less. For example, your first love could be naive and romantic and starry eyed while your later love may be more comfortable and settled and happy. They could have quite a different feel iyswim.

What a silly thing for him to say to you. In the past I let ex’s talk about their ex’s to me & found out things I wish I never knew. Now I don’t - if a man wants to talk about his ex, he can hire a therapist but I sure as hell don’t want to hear it!

You’ve every right to query what he meant and you’ve every right to erect some boundaries (i.e.) ‘I think it’d be healthier if we didn’t compare our relationship to past relationships........... ever.’

I love my fiancé differently to my ex husband. Differently because I never loved my ex the way I love my fiancé, in hindsight I question whether I actually did.

Thank you for replies, good to get another perspective. I guess ex and I are totally different people and she is the mother of his children and once his wife. However, perhaps it’s one of those honest truths that just didn’t need to be spoken allowed. That, I think, is what has peed me off most. Why say it? As a pp mentioned, I’m not his therapist!!!

*aloud

I love my husband different to my ex. My ex was my childhood sweetheart and will always have a place in my heart, but he was also cold, lacked empathy, single track minded, self absorbed and not who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

I love my husband because he's genuinely funny and caring, and listens to me, and works with me and not against me. It isn't a painful love like it was with my ex.

How do you know he meant he loves you less though? I love my current DP differently than I loved my ex, but it’s not less.

I love my DH differently to my exh too

Like previous poster I now wonder if I loved exh at all

I love my partner differently to my ex. I love him differently because he’s the one I’m going to marry and have a family with. I never felt like that with me ex. Could it be along similar lines?

It doesn't mean he loves you less, nor more.
I love one of my children with a fierce searing flame, the other my love feels like a deep slow-moving river. I adore each of them, they're just such different characters and think and act in completely different ways. The way each arrived here was also completely different. I certainly don't love one more.

As he said 'surely you love me differently to your ex' , I think perhaps he just means that you love different people for different reasons. Ask him !

I love my current dh in a vastly different way to how I loved my first dh thirty years ago. That was naive adoring infatuated adoring love. This is rounded full adult love. I, however, would not be stupid enough to say that

Why have you taken it negatively? Unless his tone and the context support the fact that this means he loves you less.

I love my DH differently to some of my ex BFs. Different isn't better or worse, but the love for the father of kids is different...we've also spent over 20 years together.

Love isn't always comparable...as age, circumstances and specific situations have an impact.

I guess I would wonder what triggered him to mention it in the first place.... something must have been going through his mind to bring it up.

Presumably OP has taken it negatively in the context of her relationship/his behaviour/verbal and nonverbal cues.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt?
Maybe what your DH meant is that he loved his ex, but you're in a league of your own, like a perfect soulmate with whom he really clicks, and that he can actually imagine growing old together with (as opposed to his ex, with whom the relationship didn't last). And he hopes you feel the same?

How did it come up in conversation?

@DianaT1969

How did it come up in conversation?

Well indeed. You say, he 'announced' it. Out of nowhere?