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Original poster

I love you differently

47 replies

CoatHangers5 · 23/08/2020 16:37

Been with DP 4 years. Both have been married previously and have children with ex spouses. His marriage was 16 years long, and mine 14 years.

He announced last night that he loves me differently to how he loved his ex. I’m confused now, because I wouldn’t have said I love him differently to how I love my ex. I get that there are variations of love I.e I love my grandparents differently to how I love my children, but now I feel that was he meant was ‘I love you less’. Thoughts?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 23/08/2020 18:58

We really need to know how it came up in conversation.

Just announcing something like that out of nowhere seems like it could have quite a sinister motive, designed to upset and leave the person feeling uneasy in the relationship....

however it could be said during a conversation and I necessarily think it had a sinister motive....completely depends!

SandyY2K · 23/08/2020 19:03

We really need to know how it came up in conversation.

Exactly.

Context is everything.

Lightline · 23/08/2020 19:49

But surely love is different depending on the relationship? I love my son and my daughter in different ways, not more or less just different. I think this is what he means

netflixismysidehustle · 23/08/2020 19:54

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

After a long marriage, the person that you are at the start is very different to the person at the end. When you enter your next relationship you hopefully have more understanding of what you want and need from a relationship and pick differently compared to 20 years earlier because you're wiser

You should ask him

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 23/08/2020 19:58

I can’t really imagine how this would come up in conversation. Comparing your love for an ex and current partner is unlikely to be something your partner wants to hear about. Even if you thought about it, you’d just keep those thoughts to yourself under pretty much all circumstances.

Why mention it at all?

OhCaptain · 23/08/2020 20:00

What, he just announced this apropos of nothing?

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but context is everything.

MadCatLady71 · 23/08/2020 20:06

Of course it’s different. He’s older. He’s - hopefully - wiser. He’s been through the breakdown of his marriage and has - presumably - learned some things about himself and relationships in the process. He has children. Time and life change us all. How can it not be different? It doesn’t mean it is a lesser love, just a more mature one. Don’t dwell on it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2020 20:16

What were you talking about when it came up? Why did he and his ex split up?

I love DH completely differently to my XH, by that I mean more, way way more. I did love my ex, before it turned to dust due to his behaviour, but even at its best our marriage was an unrecognisably different thing to what DH and I have and that was the case before we had our daughter. Different doesn’t mean less, are you feeling insecure that you’ve interpreted it this way?

Stillseparatedat41 · 23/08/2020 20:54

@Lightline

You wrote But surely love is different depending on the relationship? I love my son and my daughter in different ways, not more or less just different. I think this is what he means

But would you say to your son out of the blue some day: 'I love you differently to your sister' and if he exclaimed, would you say, 'oh c'mon, surely you love me differently to your father.'

Like, who the hell talks like that? Who puts those seeds of doubt into someone's mind? Why is his ex even a topic of conversation?

Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 20:59

It's a silly thing to say because you're going to take it wrong. However he maybe didn't mean it in a bad way. I love my partner now differently.. I've loved previous partners more intensely (in the can't live with them but can't live without them) whereas with this partner my love is alot calmer (can't think how to explain it)... Proper contentment I guess, in a good way.

I would say to him it's bothered you and ask him to explain it if it's going to play on your mind

Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 21:00

My love with this partner is alot stronger. But it's different. So maybe that's what he meant

Stillseparatedat41 · 23/08/2020 21:05

I do think you should ask him exactly what he meant because if he meant it in a good way it'll put your mind at ease. If he meant it in a bad way, you're getting a valuable insight into his character. Either way, it'll help you. You're not being combative by asking for clarification because he's the one who said it (unnecessarily if you ask me!)

bebarkered · 24/08/2020 02:18

I don't like the sound of this to be honest OP. Is he one of these guys that has ex on a pedestal? X

SarahBellam · 24/08/2020 08:30

I love my partner differently to my ex too. With my ex we were young and had the idealism of youth. Our lives were about doing things for the first time - buying a house, getting married, setting up careers, having a family, etc. Those were are shared goals and common interests. It was a giddy, busy, exciting love, babbling like a brook, and once we’d done all that there wasn’t much left. The love I have for my DP is very different. It’s like a big, rich, still, lake - deep and still and restful. DP is a much more calm person, and also much more physical and sensual so it’s much more erotic. I feel connected to my DP in a way I didn’t to my ex.

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 10:25

@SarahBellam

But I think the issue is saying it! I don’t know if the OP is sell me even reading this thread but imho the issue is that he said that. Why say that? It seems so provocative to me and open to misinterpretation. Who wants to think of how their partner lives their ex?

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 10:26

*still even (not sell me)

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 10:27

*loves (not lives)

Sorry for my typos!!!!!

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:35

He might have loved his ex as someone he had to run around and protect , and he was force to be the earner and as time went on that love turned to resentment set in hence a divorce.
While you seem to be his equal, someone he respects who is his true partner in all things, I'd far rather be that than an obligation.

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 10:37

@CoatHangers5 (OP)

Have you asked him more about it? What do you think now you’ve had more time to digest it and read more comments?

Lweji · 24/08/2020 10:38

Ask him how differently, in what way.
I wouldn't dwell on more or less.
Great loves don't necessarily lead to great relationships.

And what do you mean by announced? Just out of the blue? Did you ask him?

Lweji · 24/08/2020 10:41

@mummmy2017

He might have loved his ex as someone he had to run around and protect , and he was force to be the earner and as time went on that love turned to resentment set in hence a divorce. While you seem to be his equal, someone he respects who is his true partner in all things, I'd far rather be that than an obligation.
Did you search for OP's other threads? How did you reach any of these conclusions?
mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 11:00

I used the word might.
To show it could be a reason for divorce.
To love someone once and to divorce means that the love changed.

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