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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does the pain ever get better?

35 replies

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 20:39

I know there are so many threads out there on break ups and navigating it, but I am at rock bottom. I never thought things would ever turn out how they have, but at this present time I feel like theres no way things will ever get better. He was the love of my life, home, engaged, together 6 years. Then he went distanced and we mutually decided to break up. I thought he may sort his act out and want me. He bought me out of the home and met someone very very very quickly. It’s taken a year for him to now show this girl to the world, but I have disappeared. He told me a while ago he’d never love anyone like me and his pictures were the happiest years of his life, so I don’t get why, for someone wanting to have a friendship one day and me to leave things nicely so he can get in touch, why he’d burn the bridge.

I am so hurt, lost, and upset. I can’t help but compare myself to this girl and I feel there’s no point anymore as I’m so repulsive.

Does it get better? And how do I have the strength if his rebound relationship or whatever it is doesn’t work out, to be able to ignore him :(

OP posts:

PicklePig31 · 20/08/2020 20:46

How old are you @Leo89? First love?

I say this as this was me at 19. I’ve never experienced heartbreak like it and it was made even more upsetting by a) him having someone else relatively quickly and b) friends/family telling me to get over it.

Things that helped me were 1. Deleting him off my phone/hiding photos on social media/not allowing me to see him every day via any means (no contact too) 2. Throwing myself into new things - I went to uni and although I was devastated for the first few months, I then slowly got over it and met someone else. 3. Time. Just time to let your heart begin to heal. I’ve always said that although you’ll always wear the scar of your first heartbreak, it makes you stronger and I’ve never felt that way again.

The man in my story was with the girl for 7 years and we became good friends after that ended. We are both now married to other people.

Sending you lots of love

Separatedat41 · 20/08/2020 20:50

It will get easier I promise but I agree — you need a total break from him and no access to his media in any way, shape or form. Good luck OP.

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 20:53

Thank you @PicklePig31 I’m 31 :). I’ve been in love before, it’s just hit this one had turned after the years which I didn’t see coming. He broke my heart as he lied, hid it and told me a few weeks after I’d moved out and he had met this new person, that I should have been going for brunch with him etc. It breaks my heart as he just has removed all trace of me since he went public with someobe. I get that it must be hard for her To see me.

I think I overthink to, she’s older 34 than him, so In my head I think this is the one, they’ll marry and be so happy. She lives in Qatar and him in London

OP posts:

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 20:56

Thank you @Separatedat41 I have taken him off everything. He blocked me on what’s app when this girl came over for summer, so everything is so calculated whereas befor that he was so nice

OP posts:

Legallybleachblonde · 20/08/2020 20:56

Yes. It does get better. But it takes time. There are certain things you have to do though. First, you have to accept what's happened. And second, you have to stop focusing on him (the thing you can't control) and focus on you (the thing you can). I needed counselling to help me with this bit as I was in a perpetual state of obsession with my ex, the OW, what he was thinking, where they were going, what they were doing etc. Once you can do that, you can start to rebuild your new life and your self-esteem will follow. You will still grieve (that's a normal process) but as you change things and start doing things for you, the pain will decrease and eventually disappear altogether. It's truly crap but keep busy, make plans and have things to look forward to and before you know it, 6 months will have past and then a year. Have you got a good support network around you? You will be ok OP, trust me X

Legallybleachblonde · 20/08/2020 21:06

When I read threads like yours OP, I always have a flashback to me sobbing by my car outside my parents to the point I was almost sick and couldn't stand up. 3.5 years on and I'm a changed woman! I get on with my ex now and he's still with the same woman (we're pleasant to each other) and what happened to me feels like it happened to someone else. Hard to explain.

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 21:08

@Legallybleachblonde what a wise and beautiful post. I’ve c&p’d it so I can refer back to it when I’m feeling fragile. Thank you.

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had similar feelings when a LTR ended. In my experience I had never felt pain quite like it and I thought I would never recover. I did, though, and I’m a stronger person because of it.

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 21:13

Thank you @Legallybleachblonde that is such a beautiful post, thank you thank you thank you. My support network is good but my mum lives about 6 hours away. My dad passed away many years ago and my siblings live abroad. I don’t want to worry people as it’s a year on and I feel pathetic. I feel I haven’t had that closure as he’s lied about this person.
Did he stay with the OW? Did you care in the end?

OP posts:

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 21:20

I never spoke to the ex I mentioned again (this happened about three years ago). I don’t have any feelings towards him at all now and it’s hard for me to imagine us ever being romantically involved in the first place. In the depths of my sadness (I even considered taking my life) I never imagined this would be possible. It was like a switch was flipped one day and I moved on.

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 21:20

@MarieGold I have saved it too :) I feel I need to read it a lot

OP posts:

Legallybleachblonde · 20/08/2020 21:26

Yes, he stayed with her and moved in with her after 6 months! At the beginning, when my mind used to wander to them being together I would say in a loud voice 'STOP!' and go and do something else to occupy my mind. If it was in the middle of the night, I'd have a vent on MN or read the news or anything, just as a distraction. You still have to have a good cry every now and then but I can't stress enough this re-focus thing - imagine your ex in colour in a big a4 poster right in front of your face. Then imagine the poster moving away from you and getting smaller and smaller. Now make it black and white, getting smaller still and fading. Put it in a box and shut the lid. I know this sounds all weird but it works! You are your everything; not him. And no, I don't think about them at all now.

Legallybleachblonde · 20/08/2020 21:28

And you're not pathetic at all OP! It's all completely normal.

Fruitandnuts · 20/08/2020 21:32

Another one to say it really just takes time and getting busy and focusing on you. Read break up books they really helped me and you tube videos on breakups. Helps you understand the grieving process and how normal the feelings are. I’m a year on from my breakup, it wasn’t working, nothing dramatic just a realisation that we wouldn’t be happy long term. I packed my things up packed the car and left without knowing what would happened. Could barely drive with the tears in my eyes and didn’t eat or sleep for what felt like weeks. I cried many many times and had some close friends on speed dial to just call when it got too much. It does get better though. I know realise it was actual brave to leave instead of pretending anymore. Time moves on and you will be happy again, you just can’t see that now but you will. The best is yet to come keep reminding yourself of this

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 21:35

Did he stay with the OW? Did you care in the end?

I know this wasn’t directed at me but I thought I’d share my experience...

My ex cheated on me and ended up having some sort of LDR relationship with the OW. I don’t know if they’re still together. It doesn’t bother me to think of them together but I would find bumping into them upsetting because it’s a reminder of how angry and humiliated (she knew I existed) I felt about his deceit at the time. I still struggle with this somewhat to be honest but it has definitely got easier as time has gone on.

honeyytoast · 20/08/2020 21:59

Yes it absolutely does get better.

I’m very young and it was my first and so far only relationship, but it took me over a year to get over. We weren’t even together that long in the grand scheme of things, but it felt like my life had literally ended. I’ve actually blocked out a lot of those memories to protect myself, I think. I can’t read things I wrote during that time because it’s just too scary and sad.

The annoying thing is though that the only thing that helps is time, and a lot of it. If someone had told me that at the time, I would have probably told them to fuck off as it really doesn’t help in the moment, but the feeling of relief when you one day realise you don’t care anymore is like NOTHING else.

I would advise not to feel bad about protecting yourself. Wrap yourself up in cotton wool, let your mind escape to trivial things you enjoy as a distraction (for me reality tv, clothes/fashion, celeb drama, youtube) and don’t feel guilty about that. Let yourself think mean things as a way of coping, just make sure it doesn’t change who you know you are. Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to feel better. Don’t feel obliged to tell anyone anything they don’t deserve to know, or that you don’t want to talk about - but equally talk as much as you want with people you trust.

Fully prioritise your own feelings and mental safety, if that makes sense.

One other thing, also cliched, but still helps is to think about how pretty much everybody does have to go through this. He will most likely go through it in the future, so has/will the new gf, so has/will everyone you know. Has quite literally zero reflection on you as a person or your character. Also, this certainly isn’t helpful when people say it to you lol but it actually does help me to think about how much worse I could have it - to experience heartbreak, I first had to love and be loved. There’s so many worse, more permanent things that could be wrong. Don’t belittle your feelings with this sentiment though, obviously

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 22:32

Thank you everyone.

I know time will help, it’s just overwhelming right now :(

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 20/08/2020 22:39

@MarieGold

It was like that for me too, many years ago. I thought I would never get over it then one day it was gone.

That will happen for you too, op.

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 22:57

@MarieGold you sound so courageous. 3 years time I hope to be where you are :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 22:59

@jessstan2 thank you :). I hope it will. It could have had a line drawn under it for some time. However, he lied and lied and then when he met this girl a light just switched and he turned awful. I really hope it works out and he doesn’t realise the grass isn’t greener as that old saying goes

OP posts:

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 23:06

Aw, thanks @Leo89 It’s likely going to be awful for a little while yet, but three years from now I’m certain you’ll feel very differently.

I’m currently going through another heartache but knowing it will get better is keeping me sane. And posts like @Legallybleachblonde ‘s above.

All this stuff is waves in the sea, innit. We have to ride them for a bit if we want to enjoy the tranquil waters.

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 23:18

Or that’s what I keep telling myself

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 23:18

Thank you @MarieGold. It hurts more that I wasn’t worth the truth. I knew who the girl was & id even asked and he ignored it, said he’d never discuss anything etc. It hurts as I was so easily replaceable and she’s now living happy in my old home

OP posts:

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 23:27

I understand how painful that is. Whether somebody tells you the truth or not has nothing to do with your worth. Try not to torture yourself with those sorts of thoughts and remember that just because you think them, it doesn’t make them true.

Have you ever done mindfulness or meditation? I’ve been practising it on and off for 15 years and I’ve found it has helped a great deal in times of intense distress, as well as helping me to manage intrusive thoughts about relationships.

Original poster

Leo89 · 20/08/2020 23:30

@MarieGold hello, no I haven’t but maybe I should look into it. I’ve started counselling x

OP posts:

MarieGold · 20/08/2020 23:31

Just a thought OP - you’re very welcome to PM me if you’d like to chat. Perhaps it would be helpful for both of us to check in with each other every couple of days or so, especially as you sound lovely. You mentioned upthread that you don’t want to worry your friends which is where I’m at with things. No worries if not

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