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Original poster

OLD has asked to meet

31 replies

PilatesPeach · 20/08/2020 20:18

been chatting for a week on and off, he has asked to meet, offered to buy me lunch or dinner but said in the invitation to meet in his home town which for me is about an hour an 20 min solid drive - I feel a bit put out being expected to do all the driving - ok he offered to pay but still feel a bit put out somehow - am I being a bit unreasonable? Would really rather meet halfway and split the bill - just wondered what others might think.

Whilst I don't want to overreact, I feel this is a bit of a red flag. I feel it is an easier thing to pay expecting someone else to sit for the best part of 3 hours in a car (assuming no traffic issues)

OP posts:
Manch3stermale · 20/08/2020 20:23

Hi,

I think you have the right to be put out due to the distance/drive time - but its also a bit of a get out of jail free card for you as you can use the fact you are driving as a means to escape should it not turn out the way you would like when you meet up . Do you tink its just the distance that is putting you off?

SentientAndCognisant · 20/08/2020 20:23

Ok so already you're uncomfortable.Hunch is a good thing.you feel unsure
Frankly 90min is too Much a drive ask him to compromise
Don’t let him pay, sorry but. woman should be letting the date pay. Pay your share
You’re not compelled to meet you could just Decline and drop him

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2020 20:25

Would you really want to deal with a long distance relationship in the first place? If not, I wouldn't bother meeting him.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 20/08/2020 20:27

I would very much be meet halfway and pay half - that is what I would want and expect to do - he is loaded so for him I guess, it means he can have a few drinks and I'll be travelling - am by no means a prima donna but just not jumping at it - in the past (not related to OLD) have ignored my gut feelings and this just feels a bit selfish tbh. I have a busy life and a tiring job so a 3 hour drive for a date is alot for me

OP posts:
LivePositively · 20/08/2020 20:29

I agree with you, I always suggest meeting half way on a first date, if he refuses then it's a sign of things to come. I always pay my way too.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/08/2020 20:32

I’ve always met half way and paid half too (unless they insisted after dinner). I wouldn’t be driving that far for a first date.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 20/08/2020 20:34

Thank you - I was starting to question myself! Who knows, I might do a 3 hours round trip for a KFC lol!

OP posts:
SentientAndCognisant · 20/08/2020 20:59

Meet equidistant and Simply explain it,as you’ve said busy life and a tiring job so a 3 hour drive for a date is a lot

KylieKoKo · 20/08/2020 21:04

Why not just suggest halfway? He's probably suggested there as it's where he lives and knows good places to go.

Krampusasbabysitter · 20/08/2020 21:54

It's quite a good test which clearly shows that he is already not prepared to make an effort and it can only go downhill. And it's not just about money but a safety issue. You would be on his home turf! Ideally, he should offer to come to your neck of the woods, if he is keen to meet up but at the very least, splitting the distance.

noego · 20/08/2020 22:11

He wants to have a drink and if the date doesn't work out he'll go on the piss with his mates.
Red flag for me. Equality starts at the very outset.

Crystalspider · 21/08/2020 00:26

I would never travel that far to meet a date, half way is reasonable, I think it's a bit selfish of him to expect you to travel all the way to him, kind of him to offer to pay but he probably knows a decent woman wouldn't expect him to. I normally only agree to a drink and nothing to eat for first dates just incase I dont like him enough to spend the time having dinner with him. Also if you did like him enough for a relationship, think whether you could put up with the distance.

Sakurami · 21/08/2020 03:59

I've usually met halfway on a date, except a couple who have said they'll come close to me. No way would I be doing all the travelling for someone I don't know.

Also, if you're both so busy, maybe you live too far.

chatwoo · 21/08/2020 04:31

Yeah that's not a good start. I'd expect a suggestion of meeting half way, unless one of you specifically says they're happy to travel to the other.

sammylady37 · 21/08/2020 07:23

You say that he “is loaded” - how do you know this? You haven’t met him, is this something he’s told you while you’ve been chatting/texting? If so, I’d be very very wary. Why is he telling a random stranger that? Is it an attempt to impress you? Make him seem more attractive? Does he think you can be bought?? Possibly so, given that he’s offering to pay for the date but you have to do all the ‘work’ for it ie travel. It seems an odd way to behave and tbh would have my suspicions raised.

(Plus, genuinely wealthy people don’t tend to boast about it)

ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/08/2020 07:34

On a first date I have only ever met locally. I wont travel out of my home town for the first couple of dates with someone I've met online. It's a safety thing for me, I want to be able to get home pronto, I dont let them pick me up or take me home and I meet somewhere I feel comfortable. I make this clear to them when they mention a date and if they think that's me being lazy or selfish I wish them well and say goodbye. My safety is my priority, above and beyond what a stranger thinks of me. I dont ever do dinner on a first meet either. Drinks or afternoon lunch is the most I'll go to. Just because first dates can be difficult if theres no match IRL (for whatever reason) and a dinner is much longer. I also, always buy the first drinks so that if they are absolutely awful, I dont feel bad about saying, I'm sorry I dont think we are well suited, nice to meet you and take care but I'm going to leave now blah blah blah.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/08/2020 07:43

'I'd prefer to meet in x area' x being your area, not his or halfway. If he tries to cajole just ignore. I never travelled to men or even half way for dates. I'd only start doing that occasionally after they'd been to me at least four times. My husband always came to me every week, which was a three hour round trip.

KatherineJaneway · 21/08/2020 07:46

I wouldn't travel that far for a first date. He's being inconsiderate not suggesting a point halfway.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/08/2020 07:50

@ALittleBitConfused1 has it right. I only gave them an hour for quick drinks or coffee. Then I ended it. Stops the over investment and is plenty of time to establish if a second date is on the cards.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 21/08/2020 07:56

@sammylady37

You say that he “is loaded” - how do you know this? You haven’t met him, is this something he’s told you while you’ve been chatting/texting? If so, I’d be very very wary. Why is he telling a random stranger that? Is it an attempt to impress you? Make him seem more attractive? Does he think you can be bought?? Possibly so, given that he’s offering to pay for the date but you have to do all the ‘work’ for it ie travel. It seems an odd way to behave and tbh would have my suspicions raised.

(Plus, genuinely wealthy people don’t tend to boast about it)

This jumped out at me as well Hmm
PremiumMoaner · 21/08/2020 08:01

People are being a bit harsh here. He suggested a date in his hometown - maybe because he knows a great place to eat? Maybe he didn't even think about the distance?

OP- if you have stated your concerns and he has brushed them off then yes I see your point. If you haven't then give the bloke a chance! He might say "oh yeah, good point, where would you like to meet?"

We need more detail before saying it's a proper red flag.

KatherineJaneway · 21/08/2020 08:18

Maybe he didn't even think about the distance?

But that should be a standard consideration in setting a date, not an afterthought.

Bbdm1984 · 21/08/2020 09:11

Absolutely do not drive to him, i met my partner OLD and we met after 2 weeks of talking (totally petrified I'd never met someone before) he drove 2 houra to my hometown, paid for a hotel and paid for the meal (the restaurant I chose) although i was happy to pay for this as he had already paid fuel and his hotel cost. If he likes you he will put the effort in or at least meet halfway

ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/08/2020 10:45

I think if you like eachother you'll both put the effort in,so I can see the meeting half way angle. But I think the main thing here needs to be your safety and that's why I would never suggest you go anywhere but local the first few times. On the other hand I dont agree with him paying for everything either. This is why I dont consider dating someone that doesnt live relatively local to me. I know that a LDR relationship would in no way fit my life/wants.

upupandaway87 · 21/08/2020 10:59

I wonder if he's wanting you to go to his home town so he can ask you to go back ? X