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Original poster

Sister doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid. Sad.

81 replies

hockeypuck · 04/10/2007 12:12

I got married ten years ago and even though my sister and I weren't close she said "I'm going to be your bridesmaid you know" so I accomodated her, got her the dress she wanted even though it was different to the other bridesmaids because she was too big for the monsoon dress they had.

She's getting married next year and it's a totally grand affair, huge country house, costs about 6 times what our wedding did, plus she's 14 years older than I was when I got married, so it's just different to my wedding and that's fine.

I made a point of not asking to be bridesmaid. As I wouldn't want her to be obliged. She has asked my DD to be her flower girl but no comment was made about me.

She has asked me to do a lot of the planning, organising etc and said she'd talk to me about bridesmaids later. She phoned today and said "oh x, x, and x are my bridesmaids, we'll have to think of a role for you, do you want a name or title or are you have happy looking after your dc's"

"the bridesmaids are going to wear nice dresses from Karen Millen or Coast or somewhere but they don't do your size so you can't be one" (I should add here that she is big too, so that shouldn't matter)

"I love my bridesmaids to bits but there just there to look pretty and party but I want you to do all the organising and sorting things out"

I feel really hurt by this. I haven't told her that because I don't want to ruin her day. I certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid if she will regret me being one.

But I feel really unwanted. I am sitting here crying my eyes out, something I haven't done in a long while, but I just feel unattractive ugly and hurt.

How should I deal with this?

Give me a kick up the backside and tell me to grow up if you think that's what I need!

OP posts:

goingfor3 · 04/10/2007 12:14

Could you be matron of honour. I would be upset too.

Original poster

hockeypuck · 04/10/2007 12:17

I think the way I feel about it is I don't want to choose my own job title. I don't think you can ask to be someone's matron of honour. She basically said "you can be whatever you want, we'll think of a name later, I need you to do all the running around and organising because the bridesmaids will be no good at that they'll be busy drinking and I need you to do that for me"

OP posts:

GreatHauntieWurly · 04/10/2007 12:17

Tell her, maybe she thinks you are not worried about being her bridesmaid.

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 12:19

What about being matron of honour?

You certainly shouldn't feel unwanted, I mean it sounds like she is asking/using you to put her whole wedding together without asking you to be involved in the bridal party. I think you should trie talking to her about how you feel?

CarGirl · 04/10/2007 12:19

she is being so rude and totally out of order. She wants you "to do all the organising and sorting things out" hmmmmm isn't that the job of the chief bridesmaid??????

Could your mum or someone else have a quiet word with her to explain that either you are the matron of honour/chiefs bridesmaid or you arent? Also point out to her that they she has gone about all of it is tactless and she is being bridezilla?

Perhaps you should just say that you're happy to do everything to sort out stuff related to you dd being flower girls but you think the bridesmaids need to do the rest as they are the ones involved on the day etc

warthog · 04/10/2007 12:19

bit off of her i think. she wants you to do all the work, but get no credit? just be another guest? i'd be a bit pissed off too, but would be wary of telling her. she sounds like a bridezilla.

lucykate · 04/10/2007 12:20

"I love my bridesmaids to bits but there just there to look pretty and party but I want you to do all the organising and sorting things out"

i think if it had been my sister that said that to me, i'd just put the phone down on her. i know its her wedding and you don't want to make things awkward, but given the way she behaved with you over your own wedding, i think you are very justified in confronting her about it, but if you do, do it sooner rather than later. don't leave it simmering if you can help it.

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 12:20

try not trie

warthog · 04/10/2007 12:20

snap cargirl!

pooka · 04/10/2007 12:20

Well...
Firstly she sounds really insensitive in a bridezilla way about the dresses not suiting you. For goodness sake, what a horrible attitude to have.
She sounds though like she is trying to include you in the event, but is seriously running the risk of turning you into the dogsbody gofer IMO. But maybe has just a slightly cackhanded way of telling you that she appreciates your abilities.
What she's said makes it sound like she's wantning you to be matron of honour. The tradnitional role of the married attendant, prime position really. But she hasn't expressed it very well. Ask her outright? But in a "whatever suits you" kind of way. Then you could have coordinating outfit rahter than one of the bridesmaids.

fruitymum · 04/10/2007 12:20

I think you should tell how hurt you feel. She is probably so caught up in the whole wedding thing that she has misread/failed to consider how you would feel. Perhaps you could remind her it is the role of the bridesmaid to help with the organisation and planning, and that you would love to help out with some areas but not all. Also dig out your wedding photos to remind her of how you accomadated her at your big day.
Dry your eyes, blow you nose , make a cup of tea and show her who is the big sister. Weddings do tend to turn perfectly nice people into monsters.

pagwatch · 04/10/2007 12:21

I think you should try to just see this as a bridezilla moment.
She clearly wants you to be involved but her head being up her bum at the mo' she is only seeing it from her point of view.
She may also have taken your failure to mention it as a sign that you don't want to be a bridesmaid - its not that unreasonable a notion as i certainly wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid againm and would do it for someone I loved but would really rather not !!
You are not unlovely - this is miscommunication and her being too focussed on her big day and forgetting what actually matters. But I wouldn't take it to heart.

Take a deep breath and tell her you would like to be matron of honour ( hideous name) or get yourself down to your fav shop, buy something fabulous and be grateful that you are not going to have to wear what someone else chooses.

PhoenixSongbird · 04/10/2007 12:26

I cannot believe anyone could say those things not thinking you'd be upset, let alone your own sister. I wonder if she's still smarting over your wedding.

Tell her that it's the chief bridesmaid's job to be running around organising (well, and the best man and ushers) and if you're not a bridesmaid, you're there as a guest to enjoy yourself and look after your dcs.

Unbelievable! Get yourself an amazing dress, do your hair and make up all pretty, and when people say on the day they're surprised you're not a bridesmaid say serenely and elegantly that you're 'not pretty enough' to be one, and see their jaws drop! Unfeeling cow!

I wanted my bridesmaids to wear a certain style of dress but my best friend has enormous boobs so we had to go for a different style, and the other bridesmaid had to have the same, even though the other style would have suited her. Imagine if I'd said, you can't be a bridesmaid as I want this style and your tits are too big!!!

hatwoman · 04/10/2007 12:27

I don;t get this running round and organising stuff. I did all my own. I would be hurt too hp. I think you need a mediator. sounds like you;re not the kind of person to confront her - could your mum have a word and tell her that you're upset? I feel really sad for you because you should be enjoying this together. please don;t feel unwanted - if she doesn't come round a bit feel superior - feel good about yourself for being the nicer person.

bluejelly · 04/10/2007 12:33

Remember some people choose deliberately ugly bridesmaids so that they look better as brides.
Maybe she is afraid you will upstage her?

bluejelly · 04/10/2007 12:33

Also don't a lot of people choose non-married people, isn't that a tradition?

Original poster

hockeypuck · 04/10/2007 13:14

Thanks for the advice and kind words girls. I've had a good sob on the phone to my friend who has made me feel a lot better.

I think it just got to my achilles heel, which is my appearance.

I'll think about it for a couple of days and write an email saying how I feel.

I'd love the ides of a mediator, but my mum is completely hands off, she'd never get involved in our disagreements when we were 5 so I have no hope asking her now!

I think it's just a sore point with how I look so I take it more personally than it is meant. Also, she wants my dc's involved as flower girl and as page boy but there are no children invited to the wedding (even though 2 of her bridesmaids are married with children!) so I'll be trying to keep them quiet and happy with nothing to do and no one to play with.

OP posts:

Boycodd · 04/10/2007 13:16

YOU ARE NUTTY YOU ARE SO SO SO SO LUCKY

you get to get drunk and not wear hte shit dresses

Boycodd · 04/10/2007 13:17

god id hate to eb asked now
id enjoy lookign really nice
adn to really piss her off loose lots fo weight
tee hee

Tommy · 04/10/2007 13:22

I would really try and not to wory about it too much. I hionestly think that weddingds make people go a bit mad and you just have to eithe go along with it and separate yourself from it all.

I think, if I were you, I would be happy my DD was flower girl and then let your sister get on with it but not necessarily help her with all the spade work - leave that to bridesmaids!

Then get drunk at her expense at the wedding and snog someone unsuitable....

ProfessorGrammaticus · 04/10/2007 13:22

No - don't email - emails are a disaster when they are about feelings and personal issues. talk to her!

Boycodd · 04/10/2007 13:22

really i dont se it as a big issue
id be utterly delighted nto to dress liek a teenager

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 04/10/2007 13:28

Only really read the OP and a couple of others. I can totally understand why you are so upset. Your sister basically wants you to do the matron of honour job but without the "title". At the end of the day, the chief bridesmaid should be doing all of the assisting on the day, along with the best man.

Not sure how I'd advise you to proceed. I think, if it was me, I'd just go along on the day and have a bloody good time and a bloody good drink!

PhoenixSongbird · 04/10/2007 13:32

Reading between the lines I think it's less about not being asked to be a bridesmaid, and more about the reasons why, ie, her sister's insensitive remarks sounds likes she thinks she's fat and ugly! That's the issue that needs to be addressed.

Original poster

hockeypuck · 04/10/2007 13:42

Thinking about it with the hindsight of an hour or two and I think it is mainly about that phoenixsongbird.

It's a bit like getting picked last for PE or something. It's kind of hurt feelings - you are the best person for the job becuae you're organised enthusiastic and great but you're just not pretty enough - so there!

OP posts:

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