Sister doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid. Sad.

[hockeypuck]

I got married ten years ago and even though my sister and I weren't close she said "I'm going to be your bridesmaid you know" so I accomodated her, got her the dress she wanted even though it was different to the other bridesmaids because she was too big for the monsoon dress they had.

She's getting married next year and it's a totally grand affair, huge country house, costs about 6 times what our wedding did, plus she's 14 years older than I was when I got married, so it's just different to my wedding and that's fine.

I made a point of not asking to be bridesmaid. As I wouldn't want her to be obliged. She has asked my DD to be her flower girl but no comment was made about me.

She has asked me to do a lot of the planning, organising etc and said she'd talk to me about bridesmaids later. She phoned today and said "oh x, x, and x are my bridesmaids, we'll have to think of a role for you, do you want a name or title or are you have happy looking after your dc's"

"the bridesmaids are going to wear nice dresses from Karen Millen or Coast or somewhere but they don't do your size so you can't be one" (I should add here that she is big too, so that shouldn't matter)

"I love my bridesmaids to bits but there just there to look pretty and party but I want you to do all the organising and sorting things out"

I feel really hurt by this. I haven't told her that because I don't want to ruin her day. I certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid if she will regret me being one.

But I feel really unwanted. I am sitting here crying my eyes out, something I haven't done in a long while, but I just feel unattractive ugly and hurt.

How should I deal with this?

Give me a kick up the backside and tell me to grow up if you think that's what I need!

Hockeypuck you are a lovely lovely lady.

But I have to say, as far as weddings go, it really is up to the bride as to what she wants - however unreasonable.

I wonder whether you are more peeved because you made 'allowances' for her on your wedding day and she isnt for you? I would have said that, had you posted on MN at the time about your sister insisting on being a bridesmaid - that you do what you want to do.

She's gone about it in an insensitive manner, for sure.

I agree with cod though - get yourself fit and healthy and be positively glowing on the day.

I'd be inclined to take the line "Oh, I'm perfectly happy just to be part of the family party. I'd just got the wrong end of the stick, obviously -- I thought you wanted me to do all the organising and sorting things out and stuff that a chief bridesmaid would normally do. We must have been talking at cross purposes..."

Now, down to important business like your outfit... what size are you / are you likely to be? What general shape and features (curvy? nice legs? beautiful neck?). How tall are you? What's your colouring?

SaintJude - thank you

In line with your advice I have spent the last hour and a half at the gym, feel SO much better and have bought a ton of fruit and veg. I'm trying to see getting fit as a positive thing that will let me gain something, rather than a negative "you can't eat anything diet" kind of a way

Lemonaid - I'd like to be about a size 22 by then, I think that's realistic and is something I can always better, rather than something I can't reach. I'm short 5' 2". Brownish hair but highlighted blonde. My only assets are my eyes (blue) and my chest! (when well scaffolded). If any of you have me on facebook then you will be able to see more pictures and my "issues"! Another negative is my red face! I go so red when I'm hot and flustered, so have to avoid things that make me look worse. I tend to stick to black to blend in on a night out, but am very gregarious, just want my body to blend in iykwim.

Thanks girls. You've made me realise that I just need to accept how she is, ignore it and find a way to enjoy my day. Line up and take your gold stars!

Excellent news

SaintJude, you are wrong. Brides do not get to behave appallingly before, during or after their wedding and get a free pass from other people.

If behaviour is cruel and dismissive of people you're supposed to care about the fact that you are about to get married doesn't in any way excuse that.

Agree with most of the advice here - don't help out with any bridesmaidly duties, just show up and behave politely. And be glad you're not your sister. Nobody who behaves like that will ever be truly happy.

Thanks skidoodle. I've calmed down a whole lot about it this week. I'm not looking forward to the wedding as much as I was a fortnight ago before all this, but at least I'm not dreading it like I was last week.

I'm going to go and enjoy being with my family, wear something fantastic (which my mum has just phoned my sister to say she is paying for) and have a good time. I think my mum feels that she has been pushed out of it all too a bit. So I plan to stay with her before the wedding (not my sister as she wants her bridesmaids there) and take my mum to get our hair done together (with her grandaughter too, my dd) and have a lovely time, hair, nails, make up etc. 3 generations of us girls.

I'm still having a style crisis looking for outfits but there is plenty of time to deal with that!

Thanks girls