Sister doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid. Sad.

[hockeypuck]

I got married ten years ago and even though my sister and I weren't close she said "I'm going to be your bridesmaid you know" so I accomodated her, got her the dress she wanted even though it was different to the other bridesmaids because she was too big for the monsoon dress they had.

She's getting married next year and it's a totally grand affair, huge country house, costs about 6 times what our wedding did, plus she's 14 years older than I was when I got married, so it's just different to my wedding and that's fine.

I made a point of not asking to be bridesmaid. As I wouldn't want her to be obliged. She has asked my DD to be her flower girl but no comment was made about me.

She has asked me to do a lot of the planning, organising etc and said she'd talk to me about bridesmaids later. She phoned today and said "oh x, x, and x are my bridesmaids, we'll have to think of a role for you, do you want a name or title or are you have happy looking after your dc's"

"the bridesmaids are going to wear nice dresses from Karen Millen or Coast or somewhere but they don't do your size so you can't be one" (I should add here that she is big too, so that shouldn't matter)

"I love my bridesmaids to bits but there just there to look pretty and party but I want you to do all the organising and sorting things out"

I feel really hurt by this. I haven't told her that because I don't want to ruin her day. I certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid if she will regret me being one.

But I feel really unwanted. I am sitting here crying my eyes out, something I haven't done in a long while, but I just feel unattractive ugly and hurt.

How should I deal with this?

Give me a kick up the backside and tell me to grow up if you think that's what I need!

Well Snowleopard, that was the final straw for me with my sister....We made up again, but sadly I have taken some really hurtful comments from her over the years.

I did not mean that OP should do the same, but step away from organizing it, I was echoing the other posters who suggested she could say she would not step on the chief bridesmades toes.

SSN - I hacve no doubt that my sister feels the same way about my weight (which is self induced not baby weight) but as she values our relationship she keeps her mouth shut.

I don't comment on her baking herself to a frazzle in the sun, she doesn't comment on my weight - peace reigns!

How very sensible of you and your sister. I think there can be a lot of hurtful comments between sisters sometimes, key is to just keep your mouth closed. That is what I do most of the time. Until I erupt and cant take any more.

Agree SSNight!

Erm... I take the unprecedented step to refuse going to SIL's wedding

Forget about the years of misery she and MIL had inflicted on our family, forget about all the humilliations, forget about she sending all sort of messages through MIL about how worried she was about us not dressing up to the standards (and my stupid DH passing them on)... the thing that did it for me was when she decided to insist for 185th time for DS not to have the food provided for us (he is severely allergic), she wanted the chef to take care of that as she didn't want a different plate on the table...sadly for her, the last time she asked about it, she did just after DH had told her that DS had had the worst reaction he has ever had during a flight early that morning. She heard how upset we were, nevertheless she insisted on the subject... So, wedding or not wedding... I sent a very heartfelt letter excusing ourselves from the wedding.

Sadly, more people got to talk about why we were not at the wedding than at how awful DS's allergen free food would look.
Oh, and despite all the perfectionism (she even had set to say "yes" at the exact moment the sun came down behind some significative mountain at the place), that day the worst heavy rain spell descended on her perfectly planned garden-no gazeebo wedding! Karma at it's best I think.

And I must just add that my sister was bridesmaid with her two children and two other nieces at my wedding.
The two things I learnt from that were
a) my sister spent her whole day trying to herd three three years olds into the right places and telling them to shush ( while the rest of us just giggled at their chatter)
and
b) I will now spend my whole life having to say "yes, didn't the little bridesmaids look absoloutely beautiful. Mmmm yes I'm the wrinkly one in the big white dress"

So content yourself that you will be incredibly busy enjoying DD as a flower girl on the day. And that unless she looks like Angelina Jolie she will be well overshadowed.

Am I bitter? naw! The girls looked fab and i had a blast - which is the point really isn't it?

right NO MORE EMAILS!! that is a cowardly way to communicate about important things

phone her and talk to her about what role she would like you to do - you will be better able to guage her feelings about it

• if it sounds like she just wants you to look after your kids then say 'ok i do understand but i must be honest with you and say that it did upset me as i thought i would be maid of honour'

dont let this fester as it will get worse in the build up to the wedding -far far better to have an honest conversation now and still have time to resolve it

i think she wants to have a very girly time with her best friends which is why she hasnt asked you to be a bridesmaid - and she has handled it badly - it doesnt mean she doesnt love you as a sister

Ok OK no more emails. But I have after 5 days had the following email response from her:-

"We are both very keen to have close family involved in the way that feels right to us amd in the same way that it would feel odd to have his father or one of his brothers as a best man, I would prefer you to be a part of the family party rather than the "wedding party". We aren't inviting cousins and we aren't going to do anything "because it's the right thing to do" by someone else. We are doing all the things which we want to do"

So, I get where she is coming from BUT no apologies, no acknowledgement of my feelings, just a whole lot of me me me.

Don't really know how to respond so I don't think I will. IF she calls I'll speak about it on the phone with her, but otherwise, I think it'll just be a selfish person having things her own way. Because that's how she let me have things at my wedding right? Yeah right!

Interestingly, she did tell me last week that they didn'r really want her future husbands sister there because she is a lesbian and her and her girlfriend are considering having a baby together and they don't want them to be pregnant for the wedding. Wonder how she speaks to them about me being involved if she speaks to me about them like that.

oh my god am shocked at her attitude to husband's sister!
Appalling!

Hockeypuck, I would let her to to fuck & stew in her own juices!!

There's such a thing as diplomacy & it seems to me like your sister missed the boat for that one!

Please let us help you find the most stunning drop dead gorgeous outfit for her wedding? When is it?

and btw, your children are absolutely & utterly gorgeous!!

What my sister did was annoying, but I can see why she did it, I'm not a confident person & I would have struggled with being in front of so many people... your sister is just being downright nasty!

go to fuck

Ooh, your sister sounds horrible, like there's an A-list and a B-list at the wedding and the family are being put on the B-list as the "family party". How mean.

Then again it's her day and she has to choose how it goes. However, I reckon weddings are one of the times when the cracks in families are really visible (or not if you're lucky enough to have a solid loving family).

I hope you don't help her out, or you could do the bare minimum and then make a big song and dance about it. I just can't believe you had her as a bridesmaid and she's not returning the favour.

Could she be behaving like this in order to keep future husband happy? Is he a bit of a git?

Elizabetth - no he's not a git, he's totally under her thumb. She works in the city and is used to telling people EXACTLY how she wants things.

I get what you're saying about A list and B list - that is how I feel.

Firefairy - I'd LOVE you guys to help with my outfit. It's in May -it would have to be from somewhere plus-size, but will be less plus-size than I am now. DD is desperate for me to wear a pretty dress. She thought I'd be a bridesmaid with her and has been really upset that I'm not (I haven't told her why, I've been really careful about that). So a dress would be a good idea, or top and skirt in dress like stlye top and skirt.

You lot are making me feel better - she is a cow but you're also making me realise I can be the better person here and let her get on with her own day - so thank you girls!

1. Bridezilla (alas, but it may pass)

2. Homophobe

3. Your dd will steal the show

I'm going to assume she has all manner of wonderful qualities too.

Suggest your role could be that of wine taster.

She should have asked you to be MofH but she hasn't. Her loss. From what you describe, it sounds like this wedding will be a total reflection of her personality & hardly the sort of affair you'd WANT to be a bridesmaid. Talk about poisoned chalice!

Don't do the skivvying for her - tell her you won't step on the chief bridemaid's toes and then find yourself conveniently busy with something else.

Just turn up on the day in a fab outfit & have a chilled, fun time with the family - unlike, I imagine the 'wedding party'!

hmmn wine taster - sounds like a perfectly good position for someone on the B wedding list - I think I will perform that well!

i think you are right - wait for her to call now - she has made things clear

in a few years when she has kids and this has all died down - then she will appreciate family eg grow up! but i guess the time has not come yet - it sounds like at the mo she is more concerned with appearances/city friends etc

i agree with others if she asks for help just say 'im sure your bridesmaids would prefer to do that' etc etc

Personally I hated being a bridesmaid for my brother and when the other one got married I asked not to be a bridesmaid. When brother no1 got married again I still didn't want to be bridesmaid and if sil ever gets married and ask me (she won't though) I would have to say no to her.

I was a bridesmaid for my b/f last year but actually had a role ie I did a lot of organising for her on the day.

I don't understand where all this 'she is, she isn't' has come from in recent years. I asked my sil's and b/f though why I asked the sil's is totally beyond me they were awful in many ways and if I were to do it again I would just have my b/f. The men don't have reams and reams of children/women behind them -why do we?

I'd say nothing unless you want to have a good-old-knock-down-drag-out, keep well out of the wedding plans (say you're too busy with dc or that you have some dreadfully disfiguring contagious illness, like the pox), turn up for the wedding looking & feeling your best and have the bestest time!

tbh she has handed one thing to you on a plate

"what role do you want"

your answer

"I'll be the flowergirls mum and supervise her for the day"

You get to look stunning, get drunk and get lots of attention poured on your daughter without any work result!

If she doesn't want you to be part of the 'wedding party' then attend the wedding as a 'regular guest' and expect to be treated as one ie no skivvying, plenty of socialising, good food and drink.

FWIW my sister didn't have me as a BM and I know it's because she didn't think I was attractive enough and she seems to generally find me embarassing. I don't know why because I had a very good job and plenty of friends which she does not. I went to her wedding as a 'regular guest' and when I arrived at the reception it turned out that my mother had put me to sit with them on the top table. It was humiliating but I think that she was, in her own way, aware of what my sister was doing and was trying to include me. I was mortified especially as everyone assumed that because I was the older sister I was already married. Not much consolation to you but you aren't alone.