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Original poster

Boyfriend is still close to his ex and her family

92 replies

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 20:38

Is this a red flag?

They have 4 children together, all over the age of 18.

They divorced over 5 years ago and it was an amicable split. They spend Christmas together with both his and her family as he says it’s easier that way for the children so they don’t have to choose which parent’s home they go to.

Whilst I respect that they are doing what’s best for their children, I’m wondering if I am potentially walking into a nightmare situation for me in the future.

He is an amazing man in every other way though. Kind, caring, and loving.

But his closeness with his ex and her family bothers me also that he kept the home whilst she moved into a bigger house when they divorced. He still lives in their old marital home and doesn’t seem to have intentions to move.

Are these red flags?

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 20:42

Hmmmm.
Does she have a partner?
Depends really if you want to spend xmas as a couple with her in the future too cos it prob won't change.

BK187 · 19/08/2020 20:43

They are not red flags but if they bother you then that won’t change.

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 20:44

No, she doesn’t currently have a partner.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 20:47

Thought not

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 20:49

I don't think the house is a red flag. He prob hasnt got a reason to move yet.
They sound still emotionally connected. Some new partners wouldn't have a prob with that, some would. They prob still really get on well so why change it
Depends how you feel. You can't make him do anything but you can have your own boundaries about it.

SandyY2K · 19/08/2020 20:50

You don't seem comfortable with their set up. Add they split amicably, it's not unusual to remain on friendly terms.

I imagine spending Christmas time together works okay when neither of them have partners.

Do you invite if he still intends to do this going forwards? Whilst in a relationship with you?

At the end of the day, if their closeness doesn't sit well with you... walk away now.

Is not really a right or wrong matter... but you need to be okay with the set up... if not.. leave them to it.

changemynamefornow · 19/08/2020 20:51

How long have you been together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2020 20:51

How long have you been together? Are you his first girlfriend since they split? Have you met her?

...do you want to spend Christmas with her and her folks?

It’s very enmeshed. That wouldn’t suit a lot of people, wouldn’t be for me. It’s okay to walk away if you’re not completely comfortable.

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 20:53

They are not red flags as such just signs that they are still an enmeshed family.

He has his ‘family’ and he has his girlfriend. I really wouldn’t be surprised if he still had genuine care for her.

Emmie12345 · 19/08/2020 20:53

I personally couldn’t handle this at all

Some people prob could (probably if their situation is similar set up and amicable with ex)

Otherwise it would be a headfuck! Would be different if both had partners to include - bet the ex wife won’t give up the status quo easily

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 20:54

I did sound him out gently about the house. He said that he didn’t see himself ever moving because of it being so much part of his past and where the children grew up. He hoped that one day I might consider moving in with him and that I could do it up to my taste. I really appreciate that he’s thinking about how it would affect me effectively living with him in his ex wife’s place and would be happy for me to make changes. But if I’m honest, it bothers me that we wouldn’t be making a fresh start in a new home that we build together.

OP posts:
AIMD · 19/08/2020 20:54

I think when children are involved (adult or otherwise) its great that ex’s can manage to maintain an amicable relationship. I imagine having Christmas together and keeping a friendship has meant a great deal to their children and enables them to keep a sense or being a family despite their split.

I don’t see red flags in any of what you have posted. Have you seen them together?

It’s not unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable with it, but it is something you will need to either get comfortable with or end the relationship. You can’t expect them to change something that is working for their family.

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:01

They have children together that are grown. There is no need to really spend xmas together apart from they like it. Yes it's nice for the grown kids but they don't have to.
It's what he chooses to do.
This would sound like quite hard work for a new girlfriend to be part of this

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 21:03

How long have you been together? Are you his first girlfriend since they split? Have you met her?

We’ve been together just over 18months. He had a girlfriend for about a year after his divorce and she couldn’t wait to move in with him which, she did for a few months before they split due to her meeting someone else.

I have met his ex-wife and she’s ok but definitely still tries to take the place of “lady of the manor” which, to be fair, I understand because it did used to be her home too after all. But he does deal with that in a gentle but firm way by saying things like “you’re the guest, don’t do that.” Or “you’re the guest, I’ll take that” etc. Other examples too.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:03

Well would see how a few xmases go before thinking enough ahead about moving in! That's jumping the gun and rose tinted glasses.

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:05

Oh hang on, they spend xmas at his house? And she acts like lady of the manor?
Yikes, you don't need that. That is trouble brewing.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/08/2020 21:08

I think that just because they do it like that now, doesn’t mean they will continue to do so as their lives evolve. That goes for the children’s too.

If the Christmas thing is here to stay and they are the kind of family where the kids always bring their partners there and never go else where then it’s worth considering if you would feel comfortable joining or having your own Christmas plans and if either of those options are something you are happy with.

AIMD · 19/08/2020 21:09

Maybe it’s time to have a talk about the future. Personally I’d don’t think it’d be reasonable for you to want to stop the relationship as it sounds like an unusually amicable split and it’ll be much nicer for everyone to remain on good terms in the future (they’ll be Shared wedding, grandchildren etc). However you could look at how you get more boundaries....maybe you could talk about what happens if you are still together in 2 years...maybe toy buy a new house together or adapt the new one to make it feel like yours or do every other Christmas with them etc.

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 21:12

Personally I’d don’t think it’d be reasonable for you to want to stop the relationship as it sounds like an unusually amicable split and it’ll be much nicer for everyone to remain on good terms in the future (they’ll be Shared wedding, grandchildren etc)

Are you saying that it will be nicer for everyone if I go away? Confused

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:16

Oh yes be much nicer for everyone.....
Think how you will fit into this OP.
Be careful, I fear you may have your heart broken.

Aerial2020 · 19/08/2020 21:17

You can share weddings & grandchildren etc without being each others house for xmas.

AIMD · 19/08/2020 21:18

@Confusedandmuddlingalong

Personally I’d don’t think it’d be reasonable for you to want to stop the relationship as it sounds like an unusually amicable split and it’ll be much nicer for everyone to remain on good terms in the future (they’ll be Shared wedding, grandchildren etc)

Are you saying that it will be nicer for everyone if I go away? Confused

No that’s not what I mean.

Did you choose not to read the second part of that comment.

What I mean is they have something that is working for them as a family and so you can’t expect them to change that overnight. Ideally you’d become a part of the set up and it would adapt to meet your needs too.

What change do you want? Have you asked him about that?

Emmie12345 · 19/08/2020 21:19

Does she spend more time there en famille than just Christmas?

My fiancé’s ex acted like she was still married to him until he put down a LOT of boundaries and proposed to me

I couldn’t tolerate this situation I don’t think

Unless you get on with her really well and it’s all fine and happy ?

user1493413286 · 19/08/2020 21:19

I think he needs to be willing to put in some more boundaries; the Christmas thing is nice for his children but they can cope with seeing their parents separately and at some point I imagine they’ll have partners and not always be with their family at Christmas. I don’t see me and DH having much to do with his DDs mum once she’s 18 apart from when DSD gets married or has children and i certainly wouldn’t be signing up to spending Christmas with his ex.
I don’t think the house thing has to be a big deal if he’s willing to change the house and redecorate to your taste so you can build the house up together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2020 21:22

What did you do last Christmas? Spend it apart?

I’ll be honest, after 5 years the dynamic seems pretty established so unless she meets someone who objects to her lady manoring with her ex in his now home I’d move on and find someone with less baggage.

What are the kids like? Have they been happy their dad has met you and accepted you nicely?