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Original poster

Boyfriend is still close to his ex and her family

92 replies

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 20:38

Is this a red flag?

They have 4 children together, all over the age of 18.

They divorced over 5 years ago and it was an amicable split. They spend Christmas together with both his and her family as he says it’s easier that way for the children so they don’t have to choose which parent’s home they go to.

Whilst I respect that they are doing what’s best for their children, I’m wondering if I am potentially walking into a nightmare situation for me in the future.

He is an amazing man in every other way though. Kind, caring, and loving.

But his closeness with his ex and her family bothers me also that he kept the home whilst she moved into a bigger house when they divorced. He still lives in their old marital home and doesn’t seem to have intentions to move.

Are these red flags?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 21:24

Last Christmas I spent the morning with my family then went to his for lunch. His kids are nice and seem to be happy that their dad has someone.

OP posts:
Emmie12345 · 19/08/2020 21:27

Why in all these cases is it always the ex-wife clinging on in this way ?

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 21:44

I don’t think she is clinging on to anything more than old habits die hard.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 19/08/2020 21:51

If she was sound and I liked her I'd be fine with this.

If she was in anyway a dick I wouldn't be.

It's a good sign if people can be on good terms with their ex if they have kids.

Voice0fReason · 19/08/2020 22:11

I don't understand what the problem is.
It's lovely that he still has a good relationship with his ex.
They split up - if they were going to get back together it would have happened by now.
Would you prefer animosity?

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 22:20

Why did they split up? Do you suspect any romantic feeling on either side?
I know people who split and still holiday together (young kids) with their 2nd respective marital partners. People think it's odd but it works for them. I quite admire it, they are all immensely grown up about it!
Not necessarily a red flag and not sure it would be a deal breaker for me.

Itsallpointless · 19/08/2020 22:23

I'd find this very difficult indeed. It's great that they have this set up, it really is unique, but in reality with new partners, I can't see it working.

The dynamics sound as if the ex feels she is still 'top of the pile' especially as the Mother too.

Tread carefully OP, and stand your ground in the family gatherings!

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 22:29

If the kids are happy and pleasant that's also another big plus!
One day the kids will have kids and then maybe you'll get a few xmas' together. I agree that amicability speaks well of him/them.

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 23:04

Why did they split up? Do you suspect any romantic feeling on either side?

They just fell out of love. Childhood sweethearts.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 19/08/2020 23:13

I would not be ok with that.
The kids are grown up so there's no need for all this contact.

DoTheNextRightThing · 19/08/2020 23:18

No? My parents were very similar. Mum stayed in the marital home, Dad left and moved in with his now wife. Until last year, Dad still came to spend part of Christmas Day with us and exchange gifts. They still talk, Dad still visits my maternal grandmother on occasion, does DIY for the family, we all have a very good relationship. But they are both happily with other people and the idea that they would ever reunite is truly laughable.

Of course, it depends on the situation, but I see that as totally normal.

mybonesache · 20/08/2020 00:13

The children are now adults so I find the Christmas set up strange

monkeymonkey2010 · 20/08/2020 00:55

His children are now adults who's parents have been amicably divorced for five years.........it isn't the children keeping this enmeshed dynamic going - they're just being used as an excuse.

Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:08

OP where do you fit in with the Christmas arrangements?

Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:10

Sorry, my bad.. I just read what you did.

Do you think he carries on with the socialising because he feels somehow responsible for not being with his ex ?

famousforwrongreason · 20/08/2020 01:26

@SandyY2K

You don't seem comfortable with their set up. Add they split amicably, it's not unusual to remain on friendly terms.

I imagine spending Christmas time together works okay when neither of them have partners.

Do you invite if he still intends to do this going forwards? Whilst in a relationship with you?

At the end of the day, if their closeness doesn't sit well with you... walk away now.

Is not really a right or wrong matter... but you need to be okay with the set up... if not.. leave them to it.

He needs to change up the Christmas thing now he has a partner. Kids from split parents have been having two Christmas days since time immemorial Grin
famousforwrongreason · 20/08/2020 01:28

Sorry @sandyy2k I didn't mean to quote you then.
Also... Have just seen that his kids are actually adults. Wtf.
Your partner is having a laugh op.

user1481840227 · 20/08/2020 05:21

The Christmas thing is fine as long as you're included. They probably won't have that many years all together as the kids go on and meet partners and have families of their own! I definitely don't see it as a red flag..
If his family and her family are all spending it together then surely they must just all get along really well and its not a couple kind of thing or anything.

I don't think living in the marital home is a red flag either, I mean I think most often the men don't live in the marital home because either the wife ends up getting to stay in it, or it has to be sold so they both live elsewhere. I'm sure a lot of men given the choice would love to stay in the marital home in the event of a divorce.

Festivalgirl83 · 20/08/2020 07:35

I'd advise you to walk away but just seen you have been together for a while. I understand how you feel, when I first got with my DP he was still having days out and takeaways with his ex as well as joining his ex and ex in laws on holidays! Was far too enmeshed for me to be honest. He has put more boundaries in place gradually over the years but still not always great and its caused alot of upset for me

MiddleClassProblem · 20/08/2020 08:13

@Confusedandmuddlingalong

Why did they split up? Do you suspect any romantic feeling on either side?

They just fell out of love. Childhood sweethearts.

So they have been in each other’s lives their entire adult life and more.

That makes all of this more understandable. They not don’t know life without each other.

ItsIslandTime · 20/08/2020 08:29

I think it's more of a green flag than a red flag. It's much healthier than the usual nastiness and fighting that goes on between ex-couples. I'd see it as a positive thing.
I don't think it would bother me. The Xmas arrangements make sense if you have adult kids. My kids come back at Xmas but don't always have loads of time. It would be difficult for them to do 'two' xmasses.

Aerial2020 · 20/08/2020 08:41

But there can be an in between. It doesn't have to be the set top the OP described or complete nastiness. Parents can get on fine without having xmas together every year.
A lot of men do this because of some guilt. They appease their ex because they feel they have failed them some way with the marriage, even if she left him. If she is being 'lady of the manor' and he is trying to put the boundaries in, means she still feels she can behave how she likes in his home. A bit too familiar still.

The more your relationship develops, it could change. It could not. But their set up is because they want it. The grown up children would easily adapt, or begin to have xmas with their own families in time.
They seem to be an added bonus/excuse.

I would just be careful of your own boundaries as this set up doesn't work for everyone.

Original poster
Confusedandmuddlingalong · 20/08/2020 09:55

To those who don’t see a problem with him still living in the old marital home and expecting me to live there with him eventually, would you honestly be ok with it? Would you honestly not prefer to have a fresh start in a new home?

OP posts:
Notwiththeseknees · 20/08/2020 10:30

@Confusedandmuddlingalong

To those who don’t see a problem with him still living in the old marital home and expecting me to live there with him eventually, would you honestly be ok with it? Would you honestly not prefer to have a fresh start in a new home?
I have skimmed through this thread, alternating sides but I can understand your feelings. Love for his children is unconditional, love for his wife as a familiar touchstone and love for you. You are still building your relationship - at the moment, you feel you should be number one, you feel number three, you are probably number two. Getting rid of his house is a sign of commitment to you. He's not there yet. Give it time.
Aerial2020 · 20/08/2020 10:32

I think its way too early to be talking about living together.

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