Boyfriend is still close to his ex and her family

[Confusedandmuddlingalong]

Is this a red flag?

They have 4 children together, all over the age of 18.

They divorced over 5 years ago and it was an amicable split. They spend Christmas together with both his and her family as he says it’s easier that way for the children so they don’t have to choose which parent’s home they go to.

Whilst I respect that they are doing what’s best for their children, I’m wondering if I am potentially walking into a nightmare situation for me in the future.

He is an amazing man in every other way though. Kind, caring, and loving.

But his closeness with his ex and her family bothers me also that he kept the home whilst she moved into a bigger house when they divorced. He still lives in their old marital home and doesn’t seem to have intentions to move.

Are these red flags?

not to be antagonistic but you literally just explained all of that from the former wife/child's perspective, proving her point
No, I was talking as her partner and challenging the idea that anyone who is 'blind' (which seems to mean 'people who don't agree with the OP') must be writing as the ex wife.

My point is that maybe it's not that people are 'blind' or only seeing the ex wife's side, and maybe people are thinking as parents, and as parents who don't believe their responsibilities end at 18.

There is absolutely no way I would allow a new partner to try and dictate the terms I see my children or try to guilt me into leaving my children's family home, or tell me what my (future) adult children do/don't get in terms of family contact.

@LolaSmiles yes, I should have said the perspective of the ex wife/children/OPs partner himself. Your post is all about how you feel "as a parent" and how dare a new partner question any of that. That is exactly the point. He is as free to just think of things as a parent if that is his priority, but it makes him a shit partner. It's not reasonable to expect to be able to have both and behave that way.

Posters like you always come along to put any new partner down as "insecure" for not wanting to be in a relationship like this. The truth is it's got nothing to do with being insecure, being in a relationship with someone who is very focused on their children and ex and is outraged by the suggestion that they should have to budge on anything, is just categorically shit. The new partner isn't the problem for being "insecure" in that scenario, it's you that isn't able to be in a relationship with someone that is worth their time and effort.

aSofaNearYou - Your posts are incredibly insightful and perceptive and you hit the nail right in the head. Thank you.

Have you been in a similar situation? I ask because you seem to completely understand where I am coming from. It’s not that I think he’s wrong but I’m questioning whether he is in a position to be a proper committed partner to me. If he’s more committed to his past life then we need to let each other go.

aSofaNearYou
If the reason for wanting a partner to leave the home their children grew up in is because someone dislikes the fact there's history and happy memories there then that is insecurity.

I've said that new partners bring changes and I've not said that the partner with adult children doesn't have to change at all:

However, that doesn't mean to say everyone has to be happy entering a relationship where that long term friendliness and amicable relationship has been continued. If he won't be flexible and you're expecting long standing friendliness to change because you don't like it then you're going to be annoyed and the relationship won't last.
And
Relationships can, and do, change. New partners will cause things to change and a new normal will happen with new traditions.

I'm very much open to the fact that traditions evolve over time as family dynamics change, what I'm not open to is the idea of any new partner feeling it would be their place to tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing with my adult children, wanting to guilt me into leaving my children's home because they feel insecure.
I'd not take well to anyone saying to me that they're bothered that my ex moved into a bigger property but I chose to stay in my children's home.
I'd not take well to a new partner saying that even though I see myself sharing my place with them and them making all the changes they like, that isn't good enough because they want a new house for no other reason than they don't want to love anywhere linked to my past.

When it comes to blending families and dating with adult children, everyone has a past. The idea of wanting to scrub it clean and ditch family things because a new partner doesn't like it seems unreasonable to me when surely the more organic thing to do when two people are serious about a long term relationship is to allow new traditions to evolve over time.

I really, honestly don't see the problem with this.

Even if his children are grown, it obviously suits everyone to spend Christmas together (why should they have to shuttle between two halves of the family if they don't need to?) and I think it's admirable that they've maintained a pleasant relationship.

A friend of mine is like this with her EXH, although their kids are small. Same deal, childhood sweethearts who outgrew each other, both have new partners but the interests of the kids come first, and they'll happily spend special occasions together with new partners invited along as well.

As for the house, that's your decision OP but I think he's being fair to offer to let you put your own stamp on it. I don't know if I'd love the idea of living in the family home, but I'd certainly prefer that to him possibly resenting me for having insisted he sell it.

Op, do you feel like you are a tag-a-long at these family events?

I'm a step mum myself but my partner doesn't get on with his ex so not quite the same situation. But I am firm about my own boundaries. If he didn't agree with and respect them or thought it was necessary to break them for his kids sake, then I wouldn't judge him for the latter, but there would be no future there for us as a couple. I started off very accommodating no matter how uncomfortable I was, but I've learnt over the years (especially reading this site) that nobody else will advocate for people in our position, we just seem to be expected to be the one's to accept whatever crumbs we get.

I think the responsibility to ensure nobody is being neglected should be more on the partner with kids, who are the one's actually taking on two major responsibilities they need to be able to juggle. I don't think being a parent is an excuse to be an unsatisfactory partner, if you can't be a satisfactory partner at the same time as having kids then you will have to abstain, which very few seem to do with good grace. A new partner should not be responsible for letting go of their standards for the sake of somebody else's children, would what be the point from their perspective? You have to remember your own worth and standards in a relationship, or there's no point you being there.

Step mums get a raw deal on netmums.
Can't do anything right.
If you have boundaries, your are 'insecure' and if you don't, you get told you are being taken advantage of for childcare etc.
(If kids are younger)
You need decide OP if this is what you want as your future.

@LolaSmiles

If the reason for wanting a partner to leave the home their children grew up in is because someone dislikes the fact there's history and happy memories there then that is insecurity.

No, insecurity would be thinking it's a sign him and his ex are not over each other and pose a threat to the relationship.

It's perfectly valid to just not want to live in someone else's family home, especially your partner's from their previous marriage, and especially if they make a point of saying it's because of all the history. It's not pleasant to live in a house you know your partner only wants to hold onto because he's remembering his past with his ex wife there, and on top of that some people don't just want to slot into somebody else's very full life, they want to be with someone that is open to building one with them. Someone future focused and looking for something new.

None of that is insecurity, it's just wanting more for yourself than this man wants to offer.

I'm not looking to be in a relationship with someone just to tell them what they can and can't do with their adult children, but if they naturally wanted to do things that pushed my boundaries too far then I wouldn't just put up with it either. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Sofa, do you mind if I ask what you would have done in my position? Would needing to create a new home and fresh start together a dealbreaker?You seem very tuned into the sort of person I am and I’d really appreciated your perspective.

@Confusedandmuddlingalong I totally get you. I think personally it’s fine that he’s still amicable with his ex. My parents just separated and I’m 45. They’re getting along ok, it just makes things so much easier for everyone. I don’t think it’ll last but that’s a whole other story.
I think the house is a bigger issue. I moved in to the former marital home of my ex and I hated it. I just never settled there. It wasn’t even that she’d lived there, I didn’t really care about that. It just was never MY home. It had a big impact on me emotionally. I felt like I was staying in someone else’s house and I never felt anything I did to the house changed how I felt because ultimately it wasn’t mine.

You’ve said what your DP thinks but he needs to respect how you feel. That’s what’s important. It’s early days yet but if you do feel ready to live together you need to let him know how strongly you feel about it. Don’t be passive and accept it without question. If he’s unmovable then you’ll have a decision to make.

@aSofaNearYou speaks a lot of sense.
@Confusedandmuddlingalong for reference I moved into my dh's family home that he had shared with his ex wife. He offered to move and we even accepted an offer on the house but I realised the house we were moving to was not as good and really I was cutting my nose off to spite my face. I think the difference was that he was willing to take my feelings into account and wanted to make me feel happy. A good partner does that. We eventually did move when the time was right and the right property came up. I just don't get the sense from your posts that he's putting you even close to the top of the pecking order and really with children who are grown up, nurturing your relatively fledgling relationship should be high on his priority list.

You'll have to fit in with them because it suits everyone else except you.
Would you sooner he was bitter and bearing grudges - because there's plenty of men like that about.

There's absolutely no way I would move into my partner's ex marital home, but we'd have to be on very different pages for that to happen and there are other factors such as neither of us wanting to live in that town. I actually think yours is being quite unusually awkward about the house. I can't think of anyone I know that has stayed in the home their children grew up with indefinitly after they left home. I'm sure they all had very fond memories in those homes, but everyone I can think of was either financially ready to upscale by that point or just keen for a new chapter in a new area, especially after retirement. He comes across as particularly keen to stay focused on the past by being dead against moving, which does not indicate a very favourable attitude to change.

If I were you, I would talk to him. He sounds like a kind, decent person, but a kind and decent partner would care about your feelings on the subject. If there's absolutely no compromise on his part and this is what he wants to do forever, then I would say you need to think about whether you think you would be happy enough long term to put up with that. Only you know how much of a mental toll it takes on you as an individual and how much the good outweighs the bad or vice versa, I would just focus on that part rather than whether what he's doing for his kids is admirable.

Not spending xmas with your ex wife is not bearing grudges. It's moving on.
He can still have a pefectly good relationship with her and his children and also prioritise his relationship.

Hi OP,

I'm not in your position but I can tell you that I would not be able for it.

I've spent time in the ex's house which was the marital home and I don't enjoy it. I've had the ex behave like lady of the manor in our house and I didn't appreciate it. When we started our relationship they were still exchanging Christmas presents and spending some of Christmas day together.

This was earlier in our relationship and things have just naturally untangled since. I think in my partner's case he naively assumed they would hold onto their shared life but bring new partners in. It was a therapist who explained to him he needed to prioritise / ring fence our relationship and bring the kids into this situation instead of trying to take me into theirs.

I think the house would be a non negotiable for me. Not now but in the future.