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Original poster

Boyfriend is still close to his ex and her family

92 replies

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 19/08/2020 20:38

Is this a red flag?

They have 4 children together, all over the age of 18.

They divorced over 5 years ago and it was an amicable split. They spend Christmas together with both his and her family as he says it’s easier that way for the children so they don’t have to choose which parent’s home they go to.

Whilst I respect that they are doing what’s best for their children, I’m wondering if I am potentially walking into a nightmare situation for me in the future.

He is an amazing man in every other way though. Kind, caring, and loving.

But his closeness with his ex and her family bothers me also that he kept the home whilst she moved into a bigger house when they divorced. He still lives in their old marital home and doesn’t seem to have intentions to move.

Are these red flags?

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 20/08/2020 10:38

Your choices are accept it or walk away.

His expectation is that you have to fit into his established set up and if you want to carve out something independent of that, then you are with the wrong person. He’s doing nothing wrong and your feelings are equally as valid but they are incompatible. It is very clear that this is a dynamic that he isn’t ready and may never change.

Kinneddar · 20/08/2020 10:46

My friend has a very similar set up with her ex. They have a now grown up son together. Ever since they split up theyve always spent at least part of Xmas Day together and done things like going for dinner on his birthday etc He graduated from uni this year and as he only had 2 tickets for the ceremony my pal & her ex went together and met up with their partners and grandparents etc later

Her ex is remarried and his wife has been included in birthdays/Xmas since they got together. My pal slso has a partner and he is fine with the fact her ex is still there to share special occasions.

Its unusual but it can work. I definitely wouldn't see it as a red flag.

Realistically if the children are grown up the shared events are going to get fewer

A nice amicable set up certainly is a lot nicer than the alternative

Ivenamechanged13 · 20/08/2020 11:05

@Confusedandmuddlingalong

I'm currently sat at home having a cuppa. It's my home but its was my Dp and ex house for 22 years. They split up and he moved out. They couldn't sell it and we couldnt find anything that was what we needed in our price range so he bought her out.

Its feels like home to me. We have decorated it all, new carpets, moved some internal walls around etc. Its lovely.

100% "our" home now but it's still lovely to know that my amazing Dp brought up his adult DC here. It's a happy house. I love hearing the funny stories about what his kids got upto in that tree in the garden etc.

It's not a difficult as you think it is. Especially if hes willing to let you put your mark on it.

mybonesache · 20/08/2020 11:33

Has he bought her half of the house from her? If yes then I can't see a problem. If they still own it jointly I can understand you wanting something of your own. Maybe early days, but don't waste time if you can't accept things. I am 10 year into a relationship and his now 30 year old daughter still won't accept me. I regularly wish I had walked away. Good luck.

lunar1 · 20/08/2020 12:27

My friend has been the second wife in this situation for over 12 years. It works well for them, everyone-the ex, her family, the adult children welcomed her with open arms. My friend, the ex and the adult daughter go on trips away together.

I've never met a family like it. My friend had a 10 year old with her husband, he is accepted by everyone including the grandparents of the first children, they treat him equally (possibly better as they have more money/time now) than their grandchildren.

I'll be honest, I told her she was barking mad at the time and that she shouldn't do it. I've been proved completely wrong.

The house doesn't sit right with me though, if you are starting a life together you both have to compromise. That would make it a dealbreaker for me.

user1481840227 · 20/08/2020 16:43

@Confusedandmuddlingalong

To those who don’t see a problem with him still living in the old marital home and expecting me to live there with him eventually, would you honestly be ok with it? Would you honestly not prefer to have a fresh start in a new home?

I don't think it would bother me at all.

I think it would bother me more if it was a widower who still loved his wife a lot...I'll be slated for that i'm sure......but I don't think it would bother me at all if he had an amicable separation from his wife.

FunTimes2020 · 20/08/2020 16:58

Do you have children from a previous relationship, and do you plan to have children with DP?

LolaSmiles · 20/08/2020 17:05

I see an amicable split between two people who fell out of love. No red flags here. Equally, I think the house thing is sweet of him. It's his children's childhood home.

However, that doesn't mean to say everyone has to be happy entering a relationship where that long term friendliness and amicable relationship has been continued. If he won't be flexible and you're expecting long standing friendliness to change because you don't like it then you're going to be annoyed and the relationship won't last.

Pebblexox · 20/08/2020 17:19

There are no red flags for me personally.
If dh and I were to spilt, I'd hope we could have this kind of situation. If new partners weren't okay with it, they wouldn't be the right person for me.
I also would stay in our family home. It's my home, it's the home my dd is growing up in. I love this house, I've put money into this house. Why should I move because a new partner isn't comfortable that I have a past in this house?

BuffaloMozzerella · 20/08/2020 17:35

If you are uncomfortable at the thought of living there - then it doesn't matter too much what anyone else thinks on here. It's you that potentially has to live there! I wouldn't like his ex acting like lady of the manor though.

GreenDays557 · 20/08/2020 17:43

I think living in the marital home wouldn't bother me, the thing that WOULD bother me is the expectation that I didn't have an equal say in where we lived if we ever did move in together.

Although it's all early days for that, and I suppose he's just bring honest saying he can't imagine moving. A family home will be far too big for him though wouldn't it?

I'm not seeing any red flags though, if you are used to couples who don't stay on good terms it's maybe a bit disconcerting but as it's been five years with no chance or effort of reconciliation I would take the situation at face value and be grateful for the niceness of it all.

MuthaHubbard · 20/08/2020 18:37

I live in the marital home with two dc (over 18). My DP moved in a few years ago.
My ex is here every Xmas eve as I invite all my family and see him as extended family if you will as the parent of my two dc. He sometimes nips over Xmas day and I have been known to plate him up some food if he's been on shift.
Ex remarried a good few years ago but now divorced with no other family in this country. I see him as part of extended family as he's my dcs father and we get on.
DP has never had an issue and he and ex get on OK also. Although as a painter/decorator, dp has redecorated the house from top to bottom
No red flags for me but I'm aware this may not suit all.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2020 08:10

@famousforwrongreason

Sorry @sandyy2k I didn't mean to quote you then.

No worries

I wondered what I'd said.

YouJustDoYou · 21/08/2020 08:18

As a child who was brought up having to be shuffled between different houses, I think it's nice of them to do this. The house thing- no one on here would be telling a woman to move out of the marital home just because the boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable with it.
For the future, there doesn't seem much happiness for you around Christmas if you stay wih him - are you always just going to spend it without him? Sounds lonely.

AIMD · 21/08/2020 09:21

I’m confused by people commenting about this being Unnecessary because the children are adults. Obviously being amicable is more important when a child is young but children don’t stop being important when they turn 18 and this whole family values the time they have together still.

Beamur · 21/08/2020 09:37

I live in the previous marital home and it doesn't bother me.
DH was spending Xmas with his ex when I met him but it wasn't a long standing arrangement, he stopped when I asked him to. Kids share Xmas between parents now. I get on well with DH's ex and we will all go out for dinner together for events like birthdays (kids are now adults).
I wouldn't consider your DP arrangements to be in themselves red flags but I would ask where you fit in and what becomes special and unique you.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/08/2020 09:47

Nope. This relationship wouldn't work for me

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/08/2020 09:51

I'd see this as the opposite of a red flag, he sounded like a lovely man.

However, different strokes for different folks and all that, if you don't like it then you don't like it.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2020 11:41

He's not offering you enough of your own new start imo, so yes I would see these as red flags. His explanation for why he wouldn't want to move because it's too much of a part of his past is very telling. It's lovely for him that he wants to centre his life around memories of his children when they were young but a shit deal for a new partner. He needs to understand that and be more open to change if he's going to succeed in a relationship with somebody else.

With his children being grown up, this really shouldn't be this much of an ongoing problem.

Original poster

Confusedandmuddlingalong · 21/08/2020 12:36

Thank you sofa. You’ve articulated what I’ve been struggling to. It is a bit of a shit deal for any new partner and I suspect those on the thread who are blind to that are ones who are only putting themselves in the position of the former wife.

OP posts:

CallItLoneliness · 21/08/2020 12:38

I'm an adult child of amicably separated adults. They were anything but amicably separated during my teen years, so their transition to this more amicable state has been a welcome relief. How much time my parents spend together has fluctuated with my Dad's relationships (my mum has been in one relationship since 8 months after they split, nearly 30 years ago), and my Dad is not amicably separated from his second wife, my half-sister's mother. Even as an adult the times where my parents spend time together are nice for me, and the Christmases where my Dad calls in are easier; I have small kids myself now and live away from my folks so everyone being in one place for Christmas is a blessed relief. To those saying it won't matter to the kids: it will, and they will probably resent OP for it if she chucks a strop about it. When I met my now DH, his ex wife was still part of the family. She probably still would be, except a) he didn't actually like her, b) there were no kids, and c) (the straw that broke the camel's back) she was a complete bitch to me. It was her bitchiness, not the fact that she was his ex-wife, that was the problem. I can also understand the house thingthe places where your kids grow up are a strong tiedo you have kids of your own, OP?

I really don't understand women who expect men, especially men in their 40s, 50s and 60s to be a blank slate, have no ties with their pasts, and completely rearrange a nice life for them. It's not a competition--if he wanted the old life, he wouldn't be with you.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2020 13:10

No problem @Confusedandmuddlingalong

To be honest, in my opinion, the only people with kids and/or an ex spouse who are in a position to be in a new relationship are those who can still offer a decent relationship with normal boundaries. I hold them to the same standard as everyone else as a potential partner. I don't think there's anything wrong with being very focused on your kids, or spending a lot of time with your ex and considering them "family", or feeling like the main chapter of your life is done and that was the bit with your young kids and ex wife. But all that takes the piss with a new partner.

There are people who have kids but through circumstance or due to their nature, a new relationship wouldn't revolve around them nearly as much, and those people are still able to be decent partner's. But someone that wants to stay in their marital home because of all the memories attached does not give off that impression at all.

It's not about needing him to have a clean slate, it's about the fact that he is too focused on his past for a relationship with him to be fulfilling to somebody new.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/08/2020 13:11

Some men want their cake and eat it. He needs to have healthier boundaries with his ex in order to make room for a new partner. If they're still spending time together Under the ruse of 'doing it for the kids' they're probably quite set in their wise especially if they've known each other from childhood. There is no need to for the grown children to spend Christmas with both parents. I personally would not have spent Christmas with a boyfriend and their ex wife under any circumstances. We have a blended family situation and we hosted a birthday party for my stepson in our home. Dh's ex came and acted like she owned the place. Never again.

LolaSmiles · 21/08/2020 13:32

It is a bit of a shit deal for any new partner and I suspect those on the thread who are blind to that are ones who are only putting themselves in the position of the former wife
Or they have their parent hat on and don't see why they should be pushed to move out of their children's home purely because a new partner feels insecure.

Or they think it's perfectly reasonable to have a genuinely amicable relationship with an ex, not just the basic 'be civil for the sake of the children until they hit 18'

Relationships can, and do, change. New partners will cause things to change and a new normal will happen with new traditions. Some people are happy having genuinely amicable and friendly blended families, others want to feel they have 'won' and will forever view amicable relationships as s competition.
If the OP doesn't want to be in a relationship where two adults have a great amicable co-parenting relationship with adult children then that's ok, but it doesn't mean it's wrong for two people who've fallen out of love to remain on good terms.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2020 13:37

@LolaSmiles not to be antagonistic but you literally just explained all of that from the former wife/child's perspective, proving her point. That's exactly it, there's nothing negative about those things for them, but there is for a new partner, so it's selfish to expect them to put up with all that just because it all works great for you.

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