Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Maybe this time you could gift him the washing up bowl...

I'm sure this is throwing a whole new light on why he got divorced and his version of events...

He is the very soul of generosity - not. You must have wondered WTAF at the time, surely?

It didn't register, strangely. Now I want to go back in time and slap myself.

Understood.... I feel that way about several periods of my life. I think I have emotional compartment syndrome.

Children told.

They were AMAZING and I’m super proud of them.

DD2 asked why we hadn’t gotten divorced before because it would have been so much better than us staying together. DD1 cried about selling the house but just wants an end to Daddy snapping at mummy so is pleased.

I led the discussion to stop him getting mawkish.

All now snuggled up watching a seasonal film. Kittens and gin on standby.

Well that's told DH that the DC are actually relieved rather than devastated...

I would ask the girls to think about how they would like living arrangements to be and to let you know and not to worry about what Daddy says he wants.

You can suggest one week with Mum then one with Dad or mainly with Mummy and seeing Daddy once a week and EOW.

I worry he will railroad them into saying what he wants and guilt trip them.

Well done on telling the kids. Sounds like it went as well as could be expected.

It might be worth checking that DD1 knows that when you move you will take all your belongings/ furniture / toys / kittens / bikes with you. Just in case shes got the wrong idea.

Wow. Children are so perceptive. And you obviously handled it really well. I agree with having a quiet chat, because I wouldn't trust your DH not to guilt trip and manipulate them.

Well done.

Separate twins? This isn’t the Parent Trap.

I was expecting him to comment, but he’s just come and talked at me for 5 minutes about how his latest post has done on LinkedIn.

So I don’t think it’s really registered

Kids in bed. Going to watch All Creatures Great and Small.

I will think about having a word. Just need to draw breath a bit.

Bet that took the (hot) wind out of his sails, tbh

Hello, Insomnia, it’s been a while. How horrid to have you back with us.

New panic - should I take my rings off now the kids know? Is it weird to want to wear my eternity band on my right hand? It’s so pretty. And I paid towards it. As I did my wedding band, but that’s a whole other story. Actually maybe I’ll get all three made into two one day, then I have one for each child!

But I do want to take them off. Not as a mad throw them in his face thing, but so the kids don’t get confused. They’re a bit obsessed with weddings at the moment. On an ongoing basis, not cos of what happened last night.

Yep take them off

If you want to take them off, take them off. It doesn't have to be some huge gesture, just pop them in a jewellery box and put them somewhere safe. My wedding rings have a huge amount of emotional significance for me, so I can well understand that you might be uncomfortable wearing them if the marriage was over, I would feel the same. As you say you can always have them reworked later on, or switch them to the other hand, or made into a pendant/other jewellery. If they make you uncomfortable, then do something about it, your comfort and happiness is important.

I’m not divorced, (mine’s quite nice, mostly) - but his taste in engagement rings was bloody awful, and we were utterly broke. (Mostly it was awful.) You might get the impression that I didn’t like it. I actually lost it because I didn’t wear it. No idea where I put it. I don’t think I’d worn it since I was pregnant with my first, who’s now 16. Luckily it was insured and had increased in value a wee bit. I designed something I actually do like. It’s not an engagement ring, just a nice ring. I love it. Everyone comments on what great taste DH has. 😏

@StuckInPollyannaMode I think there’s no right or wrong answer about the rings - do whatever you want. Or try it both ways and see how you feel.

I don’t think it will confuse the kids at all - the rings are only a symbol of the marriage. It’s moving out and you and he living separate lives that will bring it home to them, not their mothers jewellery.

And it actually really helpful for girls to learn that marriage and weddings are only vaguely related to each other. Too many grown women don’t seem to understand that.

For now, I’ve taken them off my left hand and am wearing my eternity ring on my right hand. Just to see.

I noticed this morning he’s taken his ring off. Apparently he didn’t want to but felt it was the right thing to do. I said that if he wanted to wear it he should.

He’s skulked off in the rain to the supermarket. In the process he fell over a bag on the drive - containing 5 bottles of different gins!! I’ve yet to find out which friend it’s from, but the look on his face was priceless!

I like the sound of your friends 🥂🍸

I noticed this morning he’s taken his ring off. Apparently he didn’t want to but felt it was the right thing to do. I said that if he wanted to wear it he should

You need to stop rising to the bait. The correct answer to noticing about his ring was silence.

If he mentioned it to you, the correct answer was a cheerful “ok”.

If he asked you a question about it, the correct answer was a breezy “ I don’t know “ or “ Whatever you like “.

Save your energy for discussing things you care about, like the kids and the house . Otherwise he just drains you with his self obsession, self pity and need for drama.

Your friends are awesome!!!

PS - pity he didn’t break his neck

Albeit he’s worth a lot more to me with insurance dead than alive, I’m not sure I wish any actual harm on him!

He’s had coffee with a mural friend this morning. At pains to tell me how emotional she and her husband are about it all etc etc, that she had tears in her eyes, was clearly struggling to keep it all in check. I channelled @S00LA and just nodded. Response noted, I need to disengage. Good point.

Got a text from friend just now saying that she spent most of coffee trying desperately not to cry with laughter at how utterly ridiculous he was being!

Kids fine today, in need of a few extra cuddles, we’re going to light the fire and watch Bake Off when I’ve finished tidying out the walk in wardrobe.

Sounds like your friends have the measure of him! That did make me chuckle. Also sounds like a lovely afternoon, very cosy, lovely for the kids and you, enjoy.