How to deal with my Mother in Laws relationship with my baby daughter

[BreastfeedingMomma2019andup]

Hello Mommas,

Need some advice here. So my MIL and I generally have always got on very well, then I got pregnant and she was great came shopping with me kept showering us in loads of baby gifts, then made a few odd comments “keep growing us that baby” and told nearly everyone she knew “were having a baby!!” before I was 12 weeks, this made me feel like my confidence had been betrayed, it was our secret to tell not hers. I let this go. In between a lot of advice that I didn’t ask for, more gifts and I have to say a lot of kindness, and a request to be my doula which I politely turned down.
So I should probably mention that she has a beautiful disabled daughter, her only daughter who she has cared for constantly upto adulthood.

When my daughter was born she wanted to be with us all the time and would pop round unannounced a lot and stay all day, this was lovely, but a lot. Then she would want to change the baby’s nappy all the time which I found I didn’t really like so I would try to say no don’t worry but she would grab her and take her for a change.

Then one night we were staying at their house and I woke in the morning and the baby was gone and I heard her crying in the hall and leaped out of bed and MIL came back in with baby and said “oh I just took her to make you a drink” I was freaked out, she took my baby whilst I was sleeping.
Then a couple of times I heard her saying “hello daughter” and that freaked me out and I would say “hello grandma” and she would laugh it off and say sorry that’s what I meant.
Lockdown we had a nice break just our little family, the since seeing MIL again she says things like “ooooh baby mummy’s phone is ringing” and I correct - grandmas phone! Then I’ve heard her say “here’s daddy” now about my FIL again I correct - grandad. They don’t do this all the time ofcourse but there have been a few too many slip of the tongues for my liking.
Recently I had to work away for 8 hours so left my baby with the MIL. I kept checking up on them and the day seemed to go well, then when I got back MIL said to me “I’d love to say she missed you, but she just didn’t, not even a bit.” To which I replied “well you know all you want to do is raise a confident child” then later on again “didn’t miss you abit I was so surprised, I thought she would be a lot more upset but children really are merciless” then later more of the same I won’t bore you with. I don’t want her to miss me I want her to be happy, but Christ don’t hurt my feelings!
Since looking after her all she has gone on about is this deep connection they both have and then saying strange things like “ooooh no mummy’s still your favourite, mummy’s still number one and grandmas second” and to me “don’t worrry she still loves you more” um I’m not worried just weirded out. Very odd comments.

I now find I feel a bit over protective and pissed off and when MIL is around which is a lot I don’t like her walking off with baby or holding her. I don’t want to feel like this I want my daughter to have a great relationship with her grandparents it’s so important I just feel so enraged and I guess threatened when she holds her. My mother and father in law are very wealthy and constantly buying new things for baby, MIL has created a whole nursery at her house and recently produced an expensive box of clothes and said “I’ve bought her whole wardrobe” am I ungrateful to think, fuck off, I might not be able to afford it but I want to dress my own child, old clothes or not!

My question to you ladies is what would you do?

Do I talk to her and say, look this is how you’re making me feel?

I’ve spoken to my husband who brushes it off and says you know they’re just so made up to have a baby girl in the family.

Thank you in advance xxx

She wouldn’t be watching my baby unsupervised again. Ask your dh how he would feel if your Dad kept referring to himself as dd’s dad etc.

I would find alternative childcare

She has more red flags about her than are present at a communist party committee meeting. Your boundaries to date re the in-laws have been far too low and this has allowed her to take advantage

She wants to play at bring mother to your child, these people are not healthy role models and your DH is a wet lettuce for not being able or willing to stand up to them either.

She is overstepping boundaries, so she needs to know where her place is in your daughters life.

Do not use her for childcare again. Pull her up on every single bit of behaviour. Don't be apologetic about it, and reinforce boundaries at every opportunity.

She had her turn of being a parent, she now needs to learn how to be a grandparent and let you have your chance.

I agree with PP, I think you need to arrange alternative childcare

If this were my MIL, I wouldn't be leaving baby with her unsupervised at all

I really feel for you OP, this is a shit situation for you to be in

There is no chance I would be relying on her or using her as childcare arrangements.
This is just the start- give MILs an inch and they will take a mile.
Nip it in the bud right away.

I’d not be happy about this. But you need to talk to your H about this - her behaviour is not standard and he needs to nip it in the bud. In the meantime, I’d not be using her for childcare or for giving her opportunities to cement her rather odd behaviour. Correct her every time. And ask her please not to repeat the behaviour as it is upsetting for you and will be confusing to your daughter.

I think you should sit down with her and explain to her how you are feeling. She probably doesn't realise how she is making you feel about all of this and not having a proper conversation about it isn't probably helping.
She does sound like she is taking the whole grandma thing too far. She should realise that she is only her grandma and not her mum. Its up to you who does what with your baby.
I don't think I could cope if my MIL was like this. Your MIL needs to understand that you had this baby to raise not her and if you need help or anything then you will come to her.
In regards to her saying that your baby didn't miss you.... How would she know? Your baby isn't speaking but of course every child misses their mum or dad when they aren't around. They are just really good at keeping busy but knows when someone isn't there.
I hope that you can sort it out and can go back to the way things were. It might be hard but having a chat will do you some good
x

I'd be thrilled someone else was doing the nappies.

give MILs an inch and they will take a mile
I have no words......

Meh, she'll get bored once the beautiful cooing baby becomes a backchatting 5 year old gobshite. Trust me.

Next time she calls herself mum instead of gran just tell her to stop doing it because it's weird

Just try and ignore it. Situation will probably calm down on its own soon. But if she calls her self mummy again, call her a weirdo because it's freggin weird. Like therapy type weird, really don't know why some people do this.

You don't mention how old your baby is? It's difficult because I had to deal with very over enthusiastic in-laws when I had my lo. Unannounced visits (almost daily), practically being pushed out the way so they could get to / hold the baby. Also had my mil take my baby from his pram when I was in a cafe and my back was turned (I didn't realise she was in the cafe) which nearly gave me a heart attack! It was hard to take and I ended up wanting to completely pull away. Suddenly everything they did annoyed me and I felt super possessive of my baby.

They did calm down over time though. Also, as my lo got older and was able to express himself more I felt more relaxed and we somehow found a good balance and they have a lovely relationship with him now.

I look back now and I was definitely justified in feeling overwhelmed by them (as I think you are) but I also have to admit that I probably was also unreasonably annoyed by some rather innocent things they did too and was over sensitive to some of the stuff they did / said.

I personally am glad I pushed through it because once the novelty of having a grandchild wore off a bit and they calmed down they were great. I'm not guaranteeing it would be the same for you, but I think it's definitely possible that they'll calm down over time. You'll probably find you care less as your lo gets a bit bigger too. So I'd say either wait it out and see if things improve or have an honest chat with your mil. You say you had a good relationship prior to the baby being born so hopefully she'd be receptive to anything you had to say.

Whatever happens, I empathise and hope that things improve for you soon.

That came across harsh. 'Call her a weirdo'. Maybe don't call her a weirdo... maybe strange or odd instead. Or just tell her to stop.

@ AttilaTheMeerkat "more red flags than a communist party meeting"

These little comments from her are an attempt to reinforce her version of reality right to your face, to establish her own status quo. This is her baby, who doesn't even miss you. She may not realise it but She is trying, right to your face to undermine your status as the child's "real" mother. I agree with pp pull her up and correct her calmly and nicely every single time, and when you've had to do this several times say "You do say the strangest things, and I wish you wouldn't as I do find your comments very odd. If you have a point to make, please say it directly to me and not to the baby, are SURE you're feeling alright?" she might ease off.

If this was me I’d be having this convo with my DH as the whole ‘mummy’ thing is super weird. In addition to taking the baby, I think it’s not on.

The rest you can sort of pass off as over excited grandparents. Is she the first grandchild? Additionally are they only likely to get grandchildren via you? I’m not saying that’s an excuse at all, just might explain why she’s so clingy

I’d also echo PP - when she oversteps again, pull her up on it. No more mummy or taking the baby unless your comfortable etc. If that means pulling back and putting in some boundaries then do it. But you need DH to back you up, this needs to come from him too

I think you have a couple of options - call her on it as @DuckbilledSplatterPuff says then monitor it, or go very LC and find other childcare.

Are there any other babies coming in the family? I ask just because I have seen people go all over the baby when it arrives, but when another one comes along they almost drop the first one and are all over the next claiming they "love the baby stage"!

Your DH needs to tackle this - she’s massively overstepping boundaries. Also, as others have said, you need to find alternative childcare

Stop leaving her with her unsupervised. She’s going to try all sorts of batshit stuff - make sure she walks first with her instead of you, try and make her say her name first, first haircut in the style she wants, who knows maybe ear piercing etc.

She’s claimed your baby as her own. She’s currently her little doll to dress as she likes and before you know it she’ll be controlling your little one as well as you.

I was the little girl in this scenario with a childless aunt who had a personality disorder but she wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult. She always had to dress me in a different outfit to the one I’d arrived in, usually to one matching hers, she’d control what hobbies I did, what I ate, tried to get my hair cut short, permed and dyed to match hers so that people would assume I was her daughter, as I got older she forced me to go on sunbeds and tried to coerce me into tattoos, piercings and make certain weird sexual choices, from being very little she made me feel responsible for her and told me I would have to be her carer when she was older. It started small. With the changing clothes, then always having to eclipse my parents birthday and Christmas presents, then a little subtle word hear or there about how Mummy and Daddy weren’t actually very nice people, about how Mummy was jealous and Daddy didn’t really love me and trying to buy my affection and calling it love. The whole time she was just trying to make me an extension of her and freeze my actual parents out. Thankfully as soon as I was old enough I froze her out but I’ve had to have counselling for all the ways I was abused by her.

Seriously. Keep your daughter away.

Given her dd is disabled maybe she sees your daughter as a chance for her to mother a non disabled child. Understandable while still not being acceptable. Talk to your dh again and if he won't listen then starting talking to baby about daddy (meaning your FIL) and see if he gets it then.

Once my in-laws baby sat as I was doctor ordered to go out for dinner with dh. I said if baby, then ten months, woke to say mummy's here as I thought it would reassure him. Dh and mil freaked out so that didn't happen.

Your problem is you DH. He doesn't get to dismiss your concerns. His mother is massively overstepping boundaries. He needs to speak to her.

Where is your husband in all this???

Its definitely about setting boundaries
You need your husbamd to be onside

Also agree with others stop any/all unsupervised contact. Babies dont need "alone bonding time"

You to your daughter: Here's great granny!
Granny (indignantly): I'm her granny, not her great granny
You: Yes you are and let's keep it that way.

Wow I’m overwhelmed by the messages and support it really feels great to talk about this and realise I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you all For your comments.

So my husband can see where I’m coming from and said she can just be an oddball sometimes, but having a baby granddaughter means everything to them that’s why they’re so happy. He’s agreed we need to step up the boundaries.

I think a lot of this is my fault for letting things slide and just trying to stay positive.

Her other classic is to bring me a cuppa when staying at the house about 8am and knock on the door, but if I don’t respond because I’m ASLEEP!! Just comes in anyway to say hello to baby. I have sometimes been naked.

I know deep down she’s a very kind person who loves to mother and nurture. Apart from the weirdness she has been very helpful and lovely to me so maybe it’s time for a chat about and I just need to call her out on these points.

Her nature is to want to help so how do I set her on this path without her having too much opportunity to try and play at second mummy?

I think your right about alternative childcare as I now feel too weird about unsupervised.

I’m not sure how to go about telling her to behave more like a granny and stop trying to mother. This is the first grandchild so it’s new territory for us all.

I don’t want to eclipse her as they are very good people, just something has changed in her behaviour with the arrival of my daughter and I am feeling suffocated.

Why do you at all describe here as kind and nurturing?. She is really neither, she is smothering and unhinged and is actively undermining both of you as your child’s parents.

She is not being kind here and you would also not tolerate this behaviour from a friend or your own mother. She wants to play at being mum again to your child and you must not allow her to do this.