How to deal with my Mother in Laws relationship with my baby daughter

[BreastfeedingMomma2019andup]

Hello Mommas,

Need some advice here. So my MIL and I generally have always got on very well, then I got pregnant and she was great came shopping with me kept showering us in loads of baby gifts, then made a few odd comments “keep growing us that baby” and told nearly everyone she knew “were having a baby!!” before I was 12 weeks, this made me feel like my confidence had been betrayed, it was our secret to tell not hers. I let this go. In between a lot of advice that I didn’t ask for, more gifts and I have to say a lot of kindness, and a request to be my doula which I politely turned down.
So I should probably mention that she has a beautiful disabled daughter, her only daughter who she has cared for constantly upto adulthood.

When my daughter was born she wanted to be with us all the time and would pop round unannounced a lot and stay all day, this was lovely, but a lot. Then she would want to change the baby’s nappy all the time which I found I didn’t really like so I would try to say no don’t worry but she would grab her and take her for a change.

Then one night we were staying at their house and I woke in the morning and the baby was gone and I heard her crying in the hall and leaped out of bed and MIL came back in with baby and said “oh I just took her to make you a drink” I was freaked out, she took my baby whilst I was sleeping.
Then a couple of times I heard her saying “hello daughter” and that freaked me out and I would say “hello grandma” and she would laugh it off and say sorry that’s what I meant.
Lockdown we had a nice break just our little family, the since seeing MIL again she says things like “ooooh baby mummy’s phone is ringing” and I correct - grandmas phone! Then I’ve heard her say “here’s daddy” now about my FIL again I correct - grandad. They don’t do this all the time ofcourse but there have been a few too many slip of the tongues for my liking.
Recently I had to work away for 8 hours so left my baby with the MIL. I kept checking up on them and the day seemed to go well, then when I got back MIL said to me “I’d love to say she missed you, but she just didn’t, not even a bit.” To which I replied “well you know all you want to do is raise a confident child” then later on again “didn’t miss you abit I was so surprised, I thought she would be a lot more upset but children really are merciless” then later more of the same I won’t bore you with. I don’t want her to miss me I want her to be happy, but Christ don’t hurt my feelings!
Since looking after her all she has gone on about is this deep connection they both have and then saying strange things like “ooooh no mummy’s still your favourite, mummy’s still number one and grandmas second” and to me “don’t worrry she still loves you more” um I’m not worried just weirded out. Very odd comments.

I now find I feel a bit over protective and pissed off and when MIL is around which is a lot I don’t like her walking off with baby or holding her. I don’t want to feel like this I want my daughter to have a great relationship with her grandparents it’s so important I just feel so enraged and I guess threatened when she holds her. My mother and father in law are very wealthy and constantly buying new things for baby, MIL has created a whole nursery at her house and recently produced an expensive box of clothes and said “I’ve bought her whole wardrobe” am I ungrateful to think, fuck off, I might not be able to afford it but I want to dress my own child, old clothes or not!

My question to you ladies is what would you do?

Do I talk to her and say, look this is how you’re making me feel?

I’ve spoken to my husband who brushes it off and says you know they’re just so made up to have a baby girl in the family.

Thank you in advance xxx

Don't drink her tea.

I'm so glad your DH is being supportive.
FWIW, i don't think his DM sounds happy at all or she would be embracing being a granny wholeheartedly, not competing for a childs affection. It shouldn't be a competition.

So I should probably mention that she has a beautiful disabled daughter, her only daughter who she has cared for constantly upto adulthood.

I really hope her poor daughter isn’t hearing her mother calling your child daughter and referring to herself as mother.

This>> *IMO, I would:

1. Not stay overnight nor have them stay. Ever.
2. She/you will only visit on X day and for Y amount of time
3. Find alternative childcare
4. She is to be firmly told that your bedroom is not to be entered.*

I think this is all normal to feel protective about your first baby. She does sound annoying but she clearly loves your baby and wants to be part of her life. You can say no if it’s not convenient and you feel it’s becoming too much just say your are taking her out etc. Once your in your second and third baby you will be only too pleased she wants to do the nappies !!! Some grandparents never come near or by so maybe keep your distance a bit but still let her be a big part of your life.

She’s a lunatic and nasty with it. Agree with PPs, set some firm boundaries and don’t let her or DH dissuade you from your own judgement. Keep things very superficial and much fewer and shorter visits. I’d also leave immediately (calmly without a fuss) if you have to pull her up more than once on calling mummy and all the other weird shit she is doing. She’ll get the message or throw a wobbler, either way don’t budge until (if) she consistently behaves normally

You ladies are the best. So good to talk! And I’m really sorry for some of your painful stories but glad you can share, it’s really helping me and hopefully others, and I know I feel really good for offloading.

Tricky with my husband as I can’t really go into how I feel about her as it’s his mum who he is very close to and he works in the family business alongside his father so it will always be close, I’ve always known that and quite liked being part of the close family unit. I did until all the weirdness started. So the latest revelation that has left me perplexed: last weekend they came to see us and since then I haven’t been able to find my daughters sippy cup, it was a brand new one I sent with her when she stayed with the MIL for that time (as I’ve been discussing) I don’t know if I mentioned earlier but when we went to collect my baby I asked to have the playpen back that I sometimes leave there and she said “why?, please return it”. To which I said well I got it for travelling around. Afterwards she text me to say she had packed babies toothbrush In case she didn’t have one (the spare one i has left there for this one off childcare) and could I please return it. Ok backstory done, back to the cup. I just text to ask if she had seen it when she came and she said no, then when I said I would have to buy a new one she said ooooh I’ve just found it, you must of left it here when I had baby. I 100 percent didnt! I even have photos of baby using it since then. So she took it when she came. Why on earth would she take it? I can’t get my head around it!

Ps the playpen and toothbrush were the last straw for me that made me write on here and realise NO NO NO how have i let this woman become so controlling and also what on Earth is going through her head!!

The more you share, the more she sounds like my MIL. Mine has also played some weird tricks for no apparent reason. Once she called at 3am knowing I was on my own with DC as DH was away, she hung up when I answered. I did 1471 and it was her. I knew it was her before I even dialled.

DH asked if she had called in the morning after I told him. She was all "no, no,no course not."

Then he told her I'd done 1471 and she made some weird excuse about the number being her last dialled and she must have rolled on her phone. Absolute rubbish.

Your MIL is playing some odd tricks for some reason. Taking and withholding belongings is psycho territory in my book.

I know you say you can't tell DH, but you can. Mine was enmeshed in his family too but he had to change the dynamic. Your DH has to change the dynamic whether he likes to or not. It will get worse and then you'll blow up like I did and she'll be telling everyone what a nasty DIL you are. Believe me x

I don't have children but this would piss me off.

The incredibly difficult thing with these type of people is that if you call them out and say 'That's a bit weird' or a 'Your behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable' or 'Please stop channelling your unresolved emotional issues at my daughter - she's mine not yours', you are likely to cause a massive upset. Unless you want to throw a grenade into your relationship this requires delicate handling.

Certainly no one normal acts that way. She should have enough self awareness to know what her issues are and act appropriately, but she doesn't. Because of this, there might be tears, angry responses accusing you of being incredibly ungrateful if you confront her directly, and you'll be made out to be the bitch when she's the one who is acting out of order. It's going to be emotional whichever tactic you use I think, and you're likely to be guilt-tripped. She might behave like a bird with an injured wing. Just be ready for it.

I'm curious to know what the father thinks of all of this. I'd start by making sure she does not do any unannounced visits and I do hope she doesn't know where the spare key is. I'm not sure how you can tactfully do this but you need to find a way (preferably your husband needs to find a way) of stopping herself from calling herself mummy for a start.

@Ooodlesanddoodles

The more you share, the more she sounds like my MIL. Mine has also played some weird tricks for no apparent reason. Once she called at 3am knowing I was on my own with DC as DH was away, she hung up when I answered. I did 1471 and it was her. I knew it was her before I even dialled.

DH asked if she had called in the morning after I told him. She was all "no, no,no course not."

Then he told her I'd done 1471 and she made some weird excuse about the number being her last dialled and she must have rolled on her phone. Absolute rubbish.

Your MIL is playing some odd tricks for some reason. Taking and withholding belongings is psycho territory in my book.

I know you say you can't tell DH, but you can. Mine was enmeshed in his family too but he had to change the dynamic. Your DH has to change the dynamic whether he likes to or not. It will get worse and then you'll blow up like I did and she'll be telling everyone what a nasty DIL you are. Believe me x

Sorry to hear you had to go through that bullshit. Her behaviour was childish and weird.

maybe start by telling DH some of these things- without any further explanation of how you feel etc, just keep on telling him factually what's going on. Play dumb if it's easier.

"So strange, MIL says that I left the sippy cup at her house but there's no way I could have done, baby has used it at our house since then, I even have a picture of her using it... look! The only explanation is that MIL took it with her, but that just makes no sense does it."

Start planting seeds.

"I do find it odd that MIL calls herself Mummy, don't you?"

@Skyla2005

I think this is all normal to feel protective about your first baby. She does sound annoying but she clearly loves your baby and wants to be part of her life. You can say no if it’s not convenient and you feel it’s becoming too much just say your are taking her out etc. Once your in your second and third baby you will be only too pleased she wants to do the nappies !!! Some grandparents never come near or by so maybe keep your distance a bit but still let her be a big part of your life.

There' a difference between interested (which most parents want) and just plain weird.

Lots of people day they love another human being. Maybe they also have a lot to give....but that doesnt' mean it's always healthy.

Definitely don't use her for childcare. She is way over stepping the boundaries, it sounds like you been too nice and wanted to keep peace and not make things awkward. But it's not too late to start being more firm (i can't believe some of these stories she sounds so crazy) Makes me glad I have a normal mil who loves her grandkids but respects us as parents. You will have to pull her up on things you are not comfortable with and yes it will feel uncomfortable doing this at first say it tactful but firm, I'm sorry but my play pen is for when I travel with baby (not that she will need it if you don't let her stay with her.) Yes you are grandma she only has one mummy. I will see to the baby thanks, I'm changing her. Please stop coming in my bedroom unless you hear me say come in, I need my privacy/personal space.

Christ. This is a hard. But you need to nip this one in the bud. YOU are the mother. She is the grandmother. Her weird seed planting with your DD is incredibly unhealthy. She has some unresolved issues. But she needs to know her place. Now. Before it gets messy. Can you avoid staying there? And your DH needs to have a kind but firm word with her. Before things escalate. He might want to brush things under the caroet, but he mustnt. If not, she will feel entitled to have a say over things that are not for her to decide. E.g. schools. And calling herself 'mummy' is just 100% weird. But i guess being firm but reassuring and kind is the way. Good luck

Am assuming the MIL's own daughter and her disability must have been v tough on her. But fantasising about having your DD as her own will end in disaster and heartbreak for everyone. Hope am not overstepping mark with this.

The more you describe about his family, the more suffocating it sounds. Like l have said previously, there is close and then there is enmeshed. You should be able to raise this with your DH and why are you shying away from doing so? Her behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and you shouldn’t feel (as an adult), scared to rock the boat!

She is controlling. You’ve had to justify, why you wanted some items back that belong to you. Ask yourself why you felt the need to do this? Also, ask yourself why she deemed it appropriate to demand them back?

You do realise, that when she looked after your DD she probably thought that she’d be looking after her (and playing mummy) more?

You really need to firm up your boundaries. Stop staying over, because I bet they live very close to you anyway.

at first I wondered whether she had a touch of dementia.

Then i thought, maybe she still talks to her daughter that way and cannot stop.

Then I considered maybe you were possibly overreacting on some things.

But with each additional post, I believe less and less that she lacks self awareness and I honestly think that she is deliberately undermining you. She is confident that your DH will chose her over you.

What worries me is that if you fall out with her, or call her on her games and she dramatically throws herself to the floor as a victim of your behaviour, DH may feel justified in taking the baby to see her without you.

I know, I know...if etc, but she's creepy

My friend’s MIL is like this and her husband is so enmeshed he is as much part of the problem. She is beginning the process of separation, but looking for a job first. Her kids are still little, but MIL does very strange things like has them over and then rings up and accuses one of stealing her engagement ring. Then they find out she had encouraged them to make necklaces with her rings and it wasn’t even missing - she was just trying to accuse my friend of bad parenting. (If it had genuinely been missing, she would have rung her darling son.)

If anyone, aside from my husband, of course, had ever taken my baby away from my room whilst I was sleeping, their life wouldn't have been worth living.

I marvel at your restraint.

Are you stopping overnights and childcare, OP?

If she is now swiping things from your house then please put your spare house keys somewhere she won’t find them.

I’d also ensure birth certificates and baby’s red book are tucked away too, if she is getting into ‘trophies’.

His mother is not above trying to gaslight you either and gaslighting is an insidious form of pyschological abuse.

Your H also needs to find alternative employment now because its that too that keeps him enmeshed in this dysfunctional dynamic.

Your MIL has a personality disorder; emotionally healthy people do not act like she has done here.

You need to tell him about his mother because she will continue to wreak havoc on your marriage and life otherwise. Staying quiet does not help him or you for that matter. He does need to make some choices here.

Namechange84, that's so awful but exactly what my ex MIL did with my son. Put him in a pedestal & basically told him his mother didn't know how to parent - it's had similar ramifications for him & she refuses to accept that it's abusive.
OP do not allow your MIL to do childcare or have extended time alone with your child. She is definitely undermining your position as mum/parent and disrespectful of your boundaries. A big talk with DH is needed here, he must have your back. My ex handed my child over like a sacrificial lamb to pacify his mother's need to be wanted. The damage is horrific.

If you must sleep over take a rubber door stop with you to jam under the door. She won't be able to open it.
Get you and dd matching T shirts.. Blunt reminder to mil!!
Your dh needs to step up before you seriously lose it - and you are entitled to of course!!