How to deal with my Mother in Laws relationship with my baby daughter

[BreastfeedingMomma2019andup]

Hello Mommas,

Need some advice here. So my MIL and I generally have always got on very well, then I got pregnant and she was great came shopping with me kept showering us in loads of baby gifts, then made a few odd comments “keep growing us that baby” and told nearly everyone she knew “were having a baby!!” before I was 12 weeks, this made me feel like my confidence had been betrayed, it was our secret to tell not hers. I let this go. In between a lot of advice that I didn’t ask for, more gifts and I have to say a lot of kindness, and a request to be my doula which I politely turned down.
So I should probably mention that she has a beautiful disabled daughter, her only daughter who she has cared for constantly upto adulthood.

When my daughter was born she wanted to be with us all the time and would pop round unannounced a lot and stay all day, this was lovely, but a lot. Then she would want to change the baby’s nappy all the time which I found I didn’t really like so I would try to say no don’t worry but she would grab her and take her for a change.

Then one night we were staying at their house and I woke in the morning and the baby was gone and I heard her crying in the hall and leaped out of bed and MIL came back in with baby and said “oh I just took her to make you a drink” I was freaked out, she took my baby whilst I was sleeping.
Then a couple of times I heard her saying “hello daughter” and that freaked me out and I would say “hello grandma” and she would laugh it off and say sorry that’s what I meant.
Lockdown we had a nice break just our little family, the since seeing MIL again she says things like “ooooh baby mummy’s phone is ringing” and I correct - grandmas phone! Then I’ve heard her say “here’s daddy” now about my FIL again I correct - grandad. They don’t do this all the time ofcourse but there have been a few too many slip of the tongues for my liking.
Recently I had to work away for 8 hours so left my baby with the MIL. I kept checking up on them and the day seemed to go well, then when I got back MIL said to me “I’d love to say she missed you, but she just didn’t, not even a bit.” To which I replied “well you know all you want to do is raise a confident child” then later on again “didn’t miss you abit I was so surprised, I thought she would be a lot more upset but children really are merciless” then later more of the same I won’t bore you with. I don’t want her to miss me I want her to be happy, but Christ don’t hurt my feelings!
Since looking after her all she has gone on about is this deep connection they both have and then saying strange things like “ooooh no mummy’s still your favourite, mummy’s still number one and grandmas second” and to me “don’t worrry she still loves you more” um I’m not worried just weirded out. Very odd comments.

I now find I feel a bit over protective and pissed off and when MIL is around which is a lot I don’t like her walking off with baby or holding her. I don’t want to feel like this I want my daughter to have a great relationship with her grandparents it’s so important I just feel so enraged and I guess threatened when she holds her. My mother and father in law are very wealthy and constantly buying new things for baby, MIL has created a whole nursery at her house and recently produced an expensive box of clothes and said “I’ve bought her whole wardrobe” am I ungrateful to think, fuck off, I might not be able to afford it but I want to dress my own child, old clothes or not!

My question to you ladies is what would you do?

Do I talk to her and say, look this is how you’re making me feel?

I’ve spoken to my husband who brushes it off and says you know they’re just so made up to have a baby girl in the family.

Thank you in advance xxx

I found this very creepy to read, and I’m not someone who gets “creeped out” easily, I think your MIL is narcissistic. She is not kind and well meaning when she’s telling you your baby “doesn’t miss you one bit!”. These are mind games to undermine you and to show you that your baby doesn’t need you, your baby needs her and she is more important. This will only continue and escalate, she has no respect for your privacy, boundaries, wishes etc. I would be very careful moving forward as she may become mentally abusive and will try and pit your husband against you, he sounds fairly reliant on them if he works in the family business, which makes this even more of a precarious situation.

You need to tread carefully here, make sure he’s on your side and set some boundaries for her, don’t sit back and hope this dies down because I don’t think it will, in fact I’m sure the opposite will happen until you finally explode and then you will be made to look like the bad guy and the crazy irrational one.

I think you should stop the sleepovers for now. Put the baby in a ‘new bedtime routine ‘ that needs quiet and to be in the same room every night. Take your guest bed apart to ‘redecorate’ the room or do some other project that makes the room difficult to sleep in for a bit. Loose your keys and get the locks changed but forget to get her another set. Wear baby in a sling in her presence. Smile a lot and talk about the new routine and the sling and why you’ve heard they are best for baby.

Appleandpears' recommendations are fantastic. I also wore my second baby in a sling a lot much to MILs upset "POOR LITTLE THING, STUCK IN THERE ALL THE TIME." Ignore the comments and keep smiling.

My MIL is a non-maternal moron whose relationship with her children revolves around her own personal gains. She wanted to be overly involved in her grandchild's life out of entitlement more than want. My daughter has ADHD so this desire soon changed when she found her unmanageable.

Your dynamic is unhealthy in that your MIL wants to relive what was lacking in her relationship with her own daughter through yours. That is dangerous.

‘You know mil, I am really starting to worry about you. The fact you keep calling my daughter, your daughter and yourself and fil mummy and daddy, the fact you take her possessions home with you without realising, (a few other examples here) makes me concerned that your brain isn’t working properly anymore.

Let’s make an appointment with your GP and I will come with you and we can ask them to investigate.

Hopefully it’s an easy fix and not something to worry about like Alzheimers.’

Do that with a kind and caring voice.

You need to work out what you can and can’t control.

Eg you can’t stop her calling herself mummy. You can stop her being alone with baby. YOU can stop being alone with her so you don't have to hear her rants about how you are not as good a mummy as she is. You can ensure that your Dh is always there with you.

Soon she will start to say nasty things to you under the guise of talking to baby “ Silly mummy doesn't know hope to hold you / feed you / bring up wind. Come to grandma” as she takes baby off you.

Then if you mention this to your DH, she will reframe it as “ I only offered to show DIL how to do X. Why is she so defensive and paranoid ?”.

People like this are very clever and manipulative. My guess is that your husband is completely under her spell and needs to keep in with her if she controls his income through the Family business.

You are in a very tricky situation here. Please tell me that your job is not dependent on her as well?

Could your DH get a job elsewhere if he wanted to?

My MIL was like this, dd1 was the first girl in the family for a long time. I wish I’d put a stop to it when it started but I had pnd and a very unsupportive husband and felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. Now dd1 is a teen it’s obvious she’s the favourite and my other children are an after thought. I’m afraid to say it made parenting hard for me too as everything I said was disregarded

I think you are a very kind young mum who has been brought up very well. I also think that you are making too many excuses for her atrocious behaviour. This is not about love for her grand daughter. It’s about satisfying a need in herself. If she truly loved her grand daughter and her son she would give you all space as a family and to build your relationship with your daughter your way. She is very selfish from what I’ve read. You are very loving on the other hand as you want your daughter to be happy, because that is the main thing. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mum.
People like your MIL don’t respond well to being told how they’re behaviour makes you feel. That gives them an excuse to say that you are blowing it all out of proportion.
Instead, with people like that you need to be strong and lay out how you want things to be before them in no uncertain terms, no room for negotiation. If she continues having so much access to your daughter you will lose her as Grandma will “always sort things for her.”
I’ve seen this happen time and time again - most grandparents are great but she is definitely one to be wary of!
Let them visit you or you visit them but keep it shortish and don’t leave her with them. If you need childcare, find an alternative. Alternatively move house (a good distance away). Her behaviour is unstable.

"She also came into my bedroom in the middle of the night when I was sat naked on my bed breastfeeding my DS, sat right up to me and stuck her head in my breasts to watch a close up feed. I felt utterly violated - but said nothing as I was in shock and too polite. And so it went on and on and on. Don’t be me.*"
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Jesus Christ I'd have fucking linched her!!
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I would take any anger out of it and explain frankly to your husband why you're freaked out about the sippy cup. Ask him what he thinks - dementia, games, a weird teleporting experience. Ultimately he's the one who needs to talk to her about all this.

OP, everything I have read here is giving me the creeps!!!

Please, please distance yourself and baby from this woman. She sounds very manipulative and toxic. She has an agenda regarding your child and it doesn’t involve you. Don’t worry about feeling awkward etc, you are your child’s main advocate and you need to keep them safe. Mil does not sound safe!!!

Why take sippy Cup and be weird about toothbrush and playpen? Ownership! She wants your DDs things at her house and she doesn't care about what DD needs. PIL do this with toys, trying to one up whatever I've bought but being very clear it's strictly for their house. Its weird and upsets DD but they will never let her bring things home, ever, because that would undermine MILs view that she is best and DD prefers her and her house. Is very narcissistic. Same with your MIL, she would prioritise her trophies over what your baby actually needs.

MIL not quite as bad as yours but many similar themes.

We had to constantly establish and maintain boundaries throughout my children’s childhood. It was painful and impacted my relationship with my husband and with MIL/FIL. However, it also was better for my mental health and protected my children from a very bizarre and dysfunctional relationship with the grandmother. I didn’t want them to see and follow her behaviour.

You need to be direct and to the point, make it extremely clear and set boundaries. Yes it may come across as harsh and she might get a strop for a bit but you don’t want her coming back in a few weeks and saying she didn’t realise or that wasn’t clear to her.

The second she refers to your child as her child nip it straight in the bud.
Honestly saying this out loud - she sounds a little crazy!
If anyone called themselves mummy to my child I would go mental, that is disturbing.
Yes they are good people and she may have good intentions but mentally that is not normal for anyone to do and to be honest I would be very concerned.
Please make sure you don’t leave your child unattended with her, this sounds exactly like the harmless sort of person that would you and leave with her.
She clearly has some sort of mental issues going on as no one in their right mind would ever do that.

Good luck. Keep strong. Don’t back down. You’ve got this!

Why on earth would she take it? I can’t get my head around it!

This is the point where you need to stop being shocked by everything she does and trying to understand her. That’s just a waste of your headspace. You have enough info right now in factual events, alongside your alarm ringing gut to know she is unhinged, her motives are malicious and she has a warped agenda to engulf and possess your DD and exclude you.

Know that and start putting in v significant emotional and physical distance and building v high boundaries, with crystal clear consequences to protect your mother / daughter bond and your sanity.