Constant infidelity during pregnancy

[Jaygee9520]

Hi Ladies,

Please bare with me, just need some advice.

I am 25 and my partner is 33, we have been together 2+ years & I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with baby #1.

I found out he cheated on me in the past before I fell pregnant & we broke up for a month and during this time was when I found out I was pregnant. I forgave him and tried to make things work. So we tried to rekindle the relationship when I was about 2/3 months preg.

It’s been very rocky as I have major trust issues and have been reading up on narcissism and highly suspect my partner has some very high traits of this. It’s like he’s obsessed with attention/validation & one woman clearly isn’t enough for him. I have done so much for him during our relationship.

Fast forward to about 7 months in my pregnancy I found out he was sleeping with the SAME girl he cheated on me with before I was pregnant. I spoke to her she said it was just a fling nothing serious and again she had ‘no idea’ about me, she told me she was cutting all ties with him as a baby is involved. I confronted him he admitted it and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. He makes it out to his friends we are in a perfect relationship yet he hasn’t given me a penny towards anything for our unborn daughter. (I work & have a lot of support so she will never go without but that’s not the point). He doesn’t work and always asks ME to borrow him money! He loves to look good to others even if in reality he does the bare minimum!

Everytime I pluck up the courage to leave he always either has some sob story or it’s like he has a manipulative spell over me which makes me always doubt my judgement and not want to leave him even though I know he’s probably cheating on me every opportunity he gets.

I have keys to his flat and I went there the other week and found a used condom in the bin (GROSS) I flipped out at him & he denied it saying he done a clear out and the condom was under his bed and is months old (obviously don’t believe him). I have just noticed a pattern with him, I’ve even recently found out he’s like obsessed with porn & everytime he texts me he fell asleep or something I can’t help but think he’s having sex with someone else! It’s driving me crazy I am so paranoid! especially with these moments being the times I will remember about my first pregnancy.

I consider myself as an attractive young female & constantly get compliments when I’m out EVEN whilst pregnant & have never had issues with confidence & self esteem but this guy has really f*cked with mine!

He is my birthing partner and he’s very emotionally abusive so I don’t want to leave him before my daughter is born and then things get really ugly. I’d rather leave him when she is born because then I’ll feel I will be so infatuated by her that I won’t care about him. I know I don’t want to be with him in the future & I know he will never stop cheating on me. What should I do?

Any advice is appreciated, I’d love to hear some opinions on my situation.

Thanks ladies x

I can understand your logic in terms of why you want to wait until she is born BUT honestly speaking you should leave now. You will be in love with your child once she’s is born yes, but you will also be feeling knackered, emotional and most importantly of all you will be vulnerable. You may think that these feeling last for just a few days but they can go on for weeks and months. If you do it the way you’ve suggested you could end up sleepwalking through this extremely stressful relationship (why by the way WILL get worse once baby is born) and before you know it you’ll have spent the first 6 months/year/years with this useless cheating unreliable waste of space of a man.

Having a baby, and indeed your first is such a precious and wonderful time but it’s also an incredibly hard time, and you don’t want to waste those first moments/months with someone who will taint it all and make it 10 times harder for you. You’ll be so mad at yourself if you do this, you’ll be kicking yourself that you and your baby could have been off on your own in your own lovely bubble not being bothered by him and his antics and there will be antics....if he’s the sort to need lots of attention and validation as soon as your main focus becomes the baby he will not cope well with that and will most certainly punish you for him not being the centre of your world/attention any more.

From a practical stand point it will also be easier to leave whilst you only have yourself to worry about. Having a tiny baby will make planning and executing leaving the relationship so much harder and more complicated. Leave now, set your boundaries for your split now, create this distance you need to clear your mind so that you can detox from him so that when your baby is here it will just all be about you and her.

Get rid now. He will continue to cheat and it will be much harder when the baby arrives.

Leave now.
Do not have him as a birthing partner.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.
You do not want this person being a thorn in your side for the next 18 years.

’He is my birthing partner and he’s very emotionally abusive so I don’t want to leave him before my daughter is born and then things get really ugly. I’d rather leave him when she is born because then I’ll feel I will be so infatuated by her that I won’t care about him.’

I really don’t think it will get easier to leave when you have a newborn.

Get a new birthing partner, Evan a paid one. Dump him, after all he’s dumped you hasn’t he?

I agree with pp it will be so so much harder to resist his manipulations when you are sleep deprived and with a newborn. Also do you really want the memory of your birth being with this person as a birth partner?

You are worth so much more than this do not waste your life on this person he is useless

My sister fell pregnant with an emotionally abusive man, it got pretty bad during the pregnancy so she left. But he turned up for the labour and hung around being a dickhead until she told him to sod off on about day 2. I think she’s glad she give him a chance but he just proved in those two days that he was a useless sack of shit!

What do I think you should do?
Leave now, don’t wait. I can’t see what you are gaining from being with him. You have a month before your baby arrives to get your head straight. Is there someone else on hand who can be your birthing partner? You really need someone you can trust in the room with you.

You sound very strong and sensible. I can imagine the thought of going into labour and life with a newborn alone is daunting and probably a bit terrifying but I can almost guarantee it’ll be easier on your own than with the pathetic man you’ve just described. Plus, sounds like you have a good support network on hand.

You need to do what is best for you and your baby, which is to leave him now. Do all your crying and getting over him before she arrives. The day she arrives is the start of your new life with your darling daughter.

You are on your own now. Just make it official. Give baby your surname. And you certainly do not need such a birthing partner..
And contact Cms ASAP after the birth.

Leave now. It will be harder when you have a newborn. Get settled somewhere now before bub is born. I feel for you

Leave now. Find another birthing partner. You will be exhausted when baby arrives, he will manipulate you further and will never change. You only have one life make it a happy one for you and your baby.

Leave him OP. He can’t be trusted. He’ll be texting some other woman while you’re in labour as he ‘was bored’.

Get a better birthing partner, mum, friend, sister, whomever. Who can help once baby arrives as it can be totally exhausting. For months if they don’t sleep at all!

Start afresh. Without that worthless waste of skin.

Jesus Christ just leave now. He's horrible and doesn't give a shit about you.

As PP have said: definitely leave him now. Find another birthing partner - you will be hindered by having him there, not helped because you need someone you can trust to look after you. This guy is not that person.

If you are unsure about inviting a relative or friend to step in, you could look into paying a doula. We had a fabulous doula at our first child’s birth - it can make such a difference.

Leave BEFORE the baby arrives, he will use the baby to keep you there.
There is a reason so many of us are saying this. We've been there.

Thank you so much ladies, it’s been so helpful hearing from people outside the situation. I KNOW I need to leave it’s just building the strength to do so & also knowing I will be depressed for a bit once I do leave. But I know that’s the right thing to do. I know I can do this.

He’s just so manipulative and maybe I’m afraid of his reaction to when I say I’m leaving. I need to be strong!

He clearly doesn’t care.

I want to have a clear head for when my daughter is born & she is due in 4 weeks! Hopefully I can recover by then.

Get out now. He is disgusting, you do not want this around your child.

It will be a 1000 times harder to leave after having a baby you have no idea what your post partum health will be and even if your in perfect health you'll still have some baby blues and sleepless nights to contend with.

This guy is a waster who adds nothing but drama to your life. Dont chase the drama, let it go and focus on your family which he is not part of.

Read your first post back to yourself, but imagine it was written by your beautiful daughter. What advice would you give her? To remain with this horrible, worthless man? Or to free herself from him and have a happy life?

Tell the midwife you are in an abusive relationship. They are trained to help.

Please leave and hope and rejects you and the baby completely.

A narcissist is not someone you want in your life ever.

Get rid before baby is due ..don’t let him near ,,don’t put him on birth certificate
Don’t have him as a birthing partner
Move near family asap

He is the last person you'd want as a birthing partner. You still have plenty of time to choose/ask someone else. And PP's are right- leave before the baby's born. You will be physically knackered etc after and it'll be harder to do anything.

I hope you are not still having sex with him. There are sexually transmitted diseases that can harm your baby.

He doesn't sound like someone that would prioritise your health and that of your baby