Constant infidelity during pregnancy

[Jaygee9520]

Hi Ladies,

Please bare with me, just need some advice.

I am 25 and my partner is 33, we have been together 2+ years & I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with baby #1.

I found out he cheated on me in the past before I fell pregnant & we broke up for a month and during this time was when I found out I was pregnant. I forgave him and tried to make things work. So we tried to rekindle the relationship when I was about 2/3 months preg.

It’s been very rocky as I have major trust issues and have been reading up on narcissism and highly suspect my partner has some very high traits of this. It’s like he’s obsessed with attention/validation & one woman clearly isn’t enough for him. I have done so much for him during our relationship.

Fast forward to about 7 months in my pregnancy I found out he was sleeping with the SAME girl he cheated on me with before I was pregnant. I spoke to her she said it was just a fling nothing serious and again she had ‘no idea’ about me, she told me she was cutting all ties with him as a baby is involved. I confronted him he admitted it and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. He makes it out to his friends we are in a perfect relationship yet he hasn’t given me a penny towards anything for our unborn daughter. (I work & have a lot of support so she will never go without but that’s not the point). He doesn’t work and always asks ME to borrow him money! He loves to look good to others even if in reality he does the bare minimum!

Everytime I pluck up the courage to leave he always either has some sob story or it’s like he has a manipulative spell over me which makes me always doubt my judgement and not want to leave him even though I know he’s probably cheating on me every opportunity he gets.

I have keys to his flat and I went there the other week and found a used condom in the bin (GROSS) I flipped out at him & he denied it saying he done a clear out and the condom was under his bed and is months old (obviously don’t believe him). I have just noticed a pattern with him, I’ve even recently found out he’s like obsessed with porn & everytime he texts me he fell asleep or something I can’t help but think he’s having sex with someone else! It’s driving me crazy I am so paranoid! especially with these moments being the times I will remember about my first pregnancy.

I consider myself as an attractive young female & constantly get compliments when I’m out EVEN whilst pregnant & have never had issues with confidence & self esteem but this guy has really f*cked with mine!

He is my birthing partner and he’s very emotionally abusive so I don’t want to leave him before my daughter is born and then things get really ugly. I’d rather leave him when she is born because then I’ll feel I will be so infatuated by her that I won’t care about him. I know I don’t want to be with him in the future & I know he will never stop cheating on me. What should I do?

Any advice is appreciated, I’d love to hear some opinions on my situation.

Thanks ladies x

I dont think you realise the power he will have over you if you admit he is her father. As someone mentioned he could stop you moving away. He could keep you in constant expensive court battles, & he WILL use her as a way to keep you in his life.

I have never in my life advised someone to gjost someone - or to not put a father on the birth cert. This timne I am because frankly anything else is madness. Read a few of the threads on here about abusive exes & how they use the chiuldren to control their ex partner. It literally never stops.

He wont go quietly and he will fuck with you for years. He may even meet someone else & decide to take your child. It happens. Of course he wont suceed but in the meantime you will be stressed, unable to have a proper career, & all of your energy will be spent fighting him.

He struggles with criticism & tends to lash out whilst being criticised.

The best approach in this case is to make it about you...tell him you can't move on and staying together would not be healthy for either of you.

Don't bother wasting your breath with criticism...he knows he's an idiot...he just thinks you'll put up with him.

A relationship has to work for both involved...it's not working for you...I strongly advise that you find another birthing partner and emotionally detach from him.

Give the baby your surname as well. Register the birth by yourself, if you think he'll be difficult...in fact as he's shown himself to be abusive...definitely register the birth by yourself.

You don't have to tell him he won't be your birthing partner...just find another and let him know when the baby arrives.

Then just register the birth by yourself.

The one thing you do need to tell him, is that the relationship is over.

Tell him not to turn up unannounced..or you'll consider it harassment.

I left an abusive partner whilst pregnant. I realised, after he was born, what a wise decision that was!

It's far easier to act when the child is still inside you and goes where you do than a separate person who a) can be held by the abusive partner and b) requires a shed load of stuff to even take to the shops!

I would also agree with those saying not to put him on the birth certificate. I didn't and we weren't married, which meant he had no PR and, therefore, no potential control over us or our lives.

Don't have an abusive man who makes you feel unsafe as your birth partner!

You won't be so in love with your new baby that you find it wasy to leave him, you'll be so sleep deprived and overwhelmed by hormones, and have so much 'stuff' to deal with that you won't be able to think straight and even making a cup of tea will become a logistical nightmare.

I really, really wouldn't wait until the baby is born x

He doesn't work, he cheats and he's emotionally abusive.... get as far away from this man as you can.

Leave him, and don't let him anywhere near the birth. When you go into labour, just don't tell him. It's that simple.

And yes, don't put him on the birth certificate. This man has contributed NOTHING except some sperm, he doesn't deserve anything from you in return.

Please don't put this man on your precious daughter's birth certificate. She needs legal protection from her abusive father and it's in your gift to make sure she has it. If he's interested in being a decent father then he'll sort it out later.

In the meanwhile, look after yourself. It doesn't sound as though you live together so change the locks if he's got a key, don't let him in and call the police if he kicks off. I don't want to scare you but pregnant women and new mothers are at increased risk from domestic violence and so are women leaving a relationship. Make sure your family and your midwife know your situation so they can support you. You are worth more than this.

Got to agree with posters on here OP. Am sure that if he is on the birth certificate then he can have a say in how she is brought up, such as what schools you wanted her to go to, if you wanted to go on holiday he could object. Just bare in mind, he could be difficult & cause issues for years to come

Please contact women's aid if you haven't already. You need support to end your relationship with this man safely.

Please also tell your midwife that he is abusive and you want to end the relationship.

He does not have a right to be at the birth. You need someone with you who will help you to feel safe and supported. Which is obviously not him.

You won't be able to put him on the birth certificate unless he attends the appointment with you to register the birth. I think inviting him to that appointment would be a terrible idea.

You can still tell her who her father is even if his name isn't on the birth certificate.

He will also have to pay child maintenance whether his name is on the BC or not.

OP, putting his name on the birth certificate will be handing him a tool to use against you. And more importantly, one that he can use to affect your daughter's life. You aren't taking anything away from him in doing this, he can take steps to have it changed if he wants to. You've said you know he will be difficult and manipulative when you leave him, so you have all the information to know that he will be difficult and manipulative with this tool. You seem like a good person and you are doing what a good person does by trying to do "right" by him in this. But he hasn't, and he won't, show you the same consideration.

Just please protect yourself. If his name isn’t on it it doesn’t mean he can’t be in her life. He can still see her as much as you feel comfortable with. You can always tell her who he is, it’s up to him to make the effort but at least if he’s useless he doesn’t have the power to be difficult for many years to come.

An update. I went back over to his place during the weekend & found yet more condoms - which indeed made it easier for me to have a recent excuse to end things.

I told him what I saw and that I’m leaving him whilst getting my stuff together he went into FULL RAGE (punched a hole in his door, called me names, followed me around the house & told me to leave his F*cking house now) I was genuinely scared of what he was going to do to me. I left immediately & got a text 2 mins after saying “don’t talk to me” (how mature).

I did my birth plan with my midwife today & I didn’t include him in it. My mum will now be my birthing partner. I haven’t heard from him for 2 days now and it’s been upsetting for me but I guess this is part of the process to heal.

My baby is due in 3 weeks so at least I will have my biggest blessing soon! 💕

Great to hear you’ve finished it, OP. You and your DD will be infinitely better off w/o him.

Unless you’re married (which I don’t think you are), you wouldn’t be able to put him on the birth certificate without him being present or providing a statutory declaration of parentage or without a court order. Anyway, you really don’t want him on the birth certificate because that gives him parental rights in relation to your baby, which he could abuse.

I don’t know if you’re planning to pursue him for child maintenance but I’m almost certain he doesn’t have to be on the birth certificate for you to do that (but you may just want to double-check).

I’m glad you’re out OP even though I’m sure you’re heartbroken.

Regarding the birth certificate - just do it. Don’t contact him again. He sounds like the type of dick who won’t even ask.

Good luck

You honestly do not want someone like that as your birthing partner. My fiancé is amazing but he was absolutely useless as a birthing partner. I gave birth 6 days before lockdown so I was able to have my mum aswell. In usual times who would you usually have with you aswell?

Well done op. Cut him out completely. You were scared of him in the end. That is not someone you want around your daughter especially unsupervised!

Good luck on meeting you little one. The feeling of holding your child is out of this world and better than any man!

Hope you're doing ok, OP? It sounds like you're on the road to getting him out of your hair forever. As other posters have said, you will be 1000 times more vulnerable after the birth than you are now, so get yourself comfy and safe now. You're so lucky to have your mum and a support network around you, so make the most of them. And please please listen to all the PPs about not putting his name on the birth certificate. You'll be in for a world of pain if you do. Give yourself and your lovely daughter a brand new start - you both deserve it!

DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON CERTIFICATE! And get him out of your life asap!
Apologies for the daily mail style caps! Good luck with everything and best wishes.

HE went into a rage?! What an immature child, this man will never grow up or treat you well.

Good luck with the birth OP, it will be so much less stressful with you mum as a birth partner instead of him.

Well done for getting out. I hope he has left you alone.

Vulnerable, you don’t sound vulnerable to me. This just appears to me a case that you don’t realise how strong and independent you are.

You work, your attractive, you’ve coped with a cheating partner WHILST you are pregnant and your still standing, you already know you’ve got this, you said so yourself, you don’t need him bringing you down and creating extra stresses and pressure for you, just leave him.

Word of warning- do not wait until the baby is born. The emotions surrounding a new baby are very strong, but can also be erratic. You will feel love for the baby that you didint know was possible, so when you come to realise he doesn’t feel the same way, it will build up resentment and hurt for you, possibly leaving you vulnerable then. Definitely leave now.

Hope he hasn't been bothering you since.
Don't put him on the birth certificate, block him

Sweatheart Get your mum or someone who loves you to be your birthing partner. If they can't, I had someone from a charity help me give birth. Please leave him, the abuse normally gets worse after the baby is born and even though you'll be so in love with your daughter. You'll be sleep deprived and exhausted and I can assure you things will get worse: please please, leave him now. Things do and will get better and someone nicer will come along when the time is right I promise.

Thank you so much for all your support, I really appreciate it.

He has tried calling me so many times but I ended up blocking his number. He’s called me on private numbers too but I obviously don’t answer. I can’t deal with the immaturity at this point I could literally give birth any day now. I need my focus to be on that. I am just mentally preparing myself for it.

@Redcups64 thank you, I feel like I needed that. Sometimes my friends have to remind me how strong I’ve really been to still be standing throughout all this bullsh*t.

My mum will now be my birthing partner and I hope eventually he just leaves us alone - which I doubt. But I am on the road to recovery and intend to remain on it 💞 can’t wait to meet my little girl now.

OP make sure you understand the legal consequences of naming him on the birth certificate. It gives him certain rights and he'll probably use them to mess with you. You can tell your daughter who her father is and he can apply to be named if it's important to him.

Having a newborn is going to be harder than being pregnant. Get some support around you. You're better off without him.

Good luck!