Constant infidelity during pregnancy

[Jaygee9520]

Hi Ladies,

Please bare with me, just need some advice.

I am 25 and my partner is 33, we have been together 2+ years & I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with baby #1.

I found out he cheated on me in the past before I fell pregnant & we broke up for a month and during this time was when I found out I was pregnant. I forgave him and tried to make things work. So we tried to rekindle the relationship when I was about 2/3 months preg.

It’s been very rocky as I have major trust issues and have been reading up on narcissism and highly suspect my partner has some very high traits of this. It’s like he’s obsessed with attention/validation & one woman clearly isn’t enough for him. I have done so much for him during our relationship.

Fast forward to about 7 months in my pregnancy I found out he was sleeping with the SAME girl he cheated on me with before I was pregnant. I spoke to her she said it was just a fling nothing serious and again she had ‘no idea’ about me, she told me she was cutting all ties with him as a baby is involved. I confronted him he admitted it and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. He makes it out to his friends we are in a perfect relationship yet he hasn’t given me a penny towards anything for our unborn daughter. (I work & have a lot of support so she will never go without but that’s not the point). He doesn’t work and always asks ME to borrow him money! He loves to look good to others even if in reality he does the bare minimum!

Everytime I pluck up the courage to leave he always either has some sob story or it’s like he has a manipulative spell over me which makes me always doubt my judgement and not want to leave him even though I know he’s probably cheating on me every opportunity he gets.

I have keys to his flat and I went there the other week and found a used condom in the bin (GROSS) I flipped out at him & he denied it saying he done a clear out and the condom was under his bed and is months old (obviously don’t believe him). I have just noticed a pattern with him, I’ve even recently found out he’s like obsessed with porn & everytime he texts me he fell asleep or something I can’t help but think he’s having sex with someone else! It’s driving me crazy I am so paranoid! especially with these moments being the times I will remember about my first pregnancy.

I consider myself as an attractive young female & constantly get compliments when I’m out EVEN whilst pregnant & have never had issues with confidence & self esteem but this guy has really f*cked with mine!

He is my birthing partner and he’s very emotionally abusive so I don’t want to leave him before my daughter is born and then things get really ugly. I’d rather leave him when she is born because then I’ll feel I will be so infatuated by her that I won’t care about him. I know I don’t want to be with him in the future & I know he will never stop cheating on me. What should I do?

Any advice is appreciated, I’d love to hear some opinions on my situation.

Thanks ladies x

Leave him now don’t wait.
Do not have him at the birth.
Do not put him in the birth certificate.
Do not give your dd his surname.
Contact cms ASAP.
Good luck, I think you are going to need it.

Truly, you do not want him ruining the precious first weeks and months with your baby and it sounds like he will. You will never get that special time with her again, time to bond and be obsessed with that one person. If you have to try and get out of a relationship in that time it will be awful and taint your whole memory.
Get out now, if he has his own flat I assume he can just go back there so it’s not even that difficult is it?? Make your place your home with your little girl. Don’t have him at the birth, the last thing you want is worrying about him at that time. Seriously look up the reasons why and consider not putting him on the birth certificate.
Time for you to look after yourself now. Very best of luck with the birth.

also knowing I will be depressed for a bit once I do leave
You're about to have a baby, everything about YOU and your daily life is about to change very rapidly, You will be distracted enough to get through it.

Don't let him ruin those precious first weeks, you should be focused on baby and not giving head space to his lack of respect, care or loyalty.

Echoing what everyone else has said, get rid now. Sounds like a useless waste of space.

Notice, not one person has advised you stay.

Come on...put your baby first. You must see him as a sperm donor, and nothing else. He is a sex pest, a cocklodger, a public health hazard and he has not one tiny bit of respect for you. He is even jobless...and vain...what a prize! He is scrounging off you, while shagging other women. You can get a lot of psychological support from your midwife team, and the health visitor. Lots of other women have gone through labour without their partner. Knowing what he has done with you, there is no way he should be at the birth. That is a challenging time for the best of us, let alone accompanied by Romeo telling you to push faster as you shouldn't be wasting his time and not to sweat so much that you steam the mirrors that impede his reflection. Personally I would be executing him with a bed pan by the first contraction!

You must tell your midwife that you have been at risk of infection before the birth. You need a full screen and blood tests as it could impact your baby and your future. Time to put the baby first, and forget about this loser. We all make mistakes...but repeating the same mistake is never a good thing.

Had I behaved like him when my DW was pregnant she'd have run for the hills. And she'd have been right to do so.

There are many better men out there and, when you are able, I hope you will find one.

OP you are worth more than this guy who cheats on you, doesn't work, takes money of you & plays sob stories to you. Can you ask a family member to be birthing partner. He hasn't even contributed financially & has cheated during your pregnancy. Take your power back from him.
And please do not add him on the birth certificate💞

Thank you all. I just sometimes feel vulnerable but everyone is right. I need to put me and my daughter 1st. I have such good friends and my mum is very helpful and supportive so I know one of them would be my birthing partner in the worst case scenario. It’s just that I told him I wouldn’t take it away from him getting to see our daughter be born even though I know he doesn’t deserve it.

It’s so hard because I have ended previous relationships for WAY less than what this guy has done to me. I guess I’m just worried about how low I will feel when I leave him. But I know that feeling will just be temporary. I know he does nothing for me but I’m not sure why I just can’t find the strength to leave him.. Really hoping I can get this over and done with before baby girl arrives.

Don't say anything. Just go, and ghost him. Block his number and don't reply. Sound cruel? Not half as cruel as him and frankly you owe him nothing. Any opportunity you give him to communicate you will unsettle you so just don't.

This can be as simple or as hard as you want. I think as the soon to be mum of a new baby you need to be ruthless and protect both yourself and your baby from this awful man.

Any opening this man gets will put you and baby at risk. So block him and keep him away from the both of you.

Get out now. Never speak to him again. Do not give your baby his name or put him on the birth certificate. That's the only advice you need.

Leave him he's a piece of shit.
He doesn't give a shit about seeing his baby enter the world, he's too busy thinking about his next shag.

First, do you gave a good - and I mean good - support network?

If you do, leave.

If you don't, wait until baby us at least 3 months before you leave. Having a newborn is THE most exhausting experience and you will need the support, even if it's just to get a quick nap or to have a bath - you'll need some me time. It may be harder for the dad if you leave after the baby is born but he should've thought about that before doing the dirty.

It’s just that I told him I wouldn’t take it away from him getting to see our daughter be born even though I know he doesn’t deserve it.
Your labour is not a prize he won, YOU are giving birth. He is the bloke who cheated on you so fuck him.
The baby will still be small whenever he bothers to show up to see her

You fell for a nobhead, you got hurt, humiliated, ended up pregnant so you walked away because you deserve better and you moved on.

The alternative is a mistake you will regret more than you will enjoy.

You don't need to build up strength to tell him anything. You said you want around to his flat, so you don't live together. Just block him on your phone and social media. Change your locks. Tell your friends and family that it is over for good and ask them to be around for you. Choose a new birthing partner.
Do not put his name on the birth certificate. This is the most important thing. You don't want to have a different name to your child. He can fight for parental rights of he wants.
Don't think of it as you leaving him. He already left you - was never really with you.
When you are through all of this, give your head a wobble about why you were attracted to a man who didn't work, sponged off you, lied to you and continually cheated. Raise your bar for any future men in your life.
Good luck with the baby.

I’m sure having your baby will be the best way to get over him! Leave now and look forward to having your little baby :)

You are probably a bit overwhelmed with it all right now, quite understandably. He has cheated on you and he will continue to cheat on you and if you are not using condoms then there is every risk that you may contract a sexual disease from him and your unborn child with also be infected. Start seriously thinking of your escape from this man. Where would you go? How would you finance yourself? Once you get your head around those two issues then start to make it a reality. He is never going to change his ways, why would he, he has his cake and is eating it too. You need to be super strong and do what is best for yourself and DC.

He isn't a wizard with a magic spell over you... you need to simply tell him it's clear he struggles with monogamy and it's in everyone's best interests to end this relationship and coparent amicably.

You need to express that you have lost trust in him and after giving a second chance the mistrust has deepened.

Phrase it in way that suggests that if he cares for you, he will accept your decision and it will enable you to be amicable going forwards.

One thing I always find that baffles a cheating partner, is to say if the shoe was on the other foot, what could you possibly do to convince them you're worth it.

So...you would say to him "If I cheated on you and you forgave me, then I cheated again....and again... what could I do or say that would honestly make you believe I was worth staying with?"

It's not really a case of it not happening again...it's a case of saying...what you've done had destroyed my faith in you as a partner.

Be strong

Leave now. The time after having a baby is tiring and stressful. You will be trying to split yourself emotionally between this man and your newborn. I know where I would want to concentrate my efforts.

I think it’s more fear of his reaction than actually leaving.. he’s verbally abusive at times & won’t make it easy for me.
In the past when I have tried to break things off he has turned up at my house/ called me off of different numbers etc he is not the type to let me walk away so easy or I would’ve been gone already. So that’s why I need to be prepared for him to pester me for a while until he eventually gets bored & gives up.

But I totally understand that it will be easier to deal with this before I give birth. In terms of the birth certificate I feel my daughter has a right to know who her father is even if he isn’t involved. Also, letting him know he will no longer be my birthing partner will definitely cause some problems. But I guess it’s something I have to face as he has left me with no choice..

@SandyY2K thank you. That’s the best way you could’ve put it. I’ve tried this before and he doesn’t even let me finish my sentences lol. If he doesn’t let me say what I need to I will just have to send it via text. He struggles with criticism & tends to lash out whilst being criticised.

But I am definitely done with this relationship it’s just a case of find the correct way out.

Please look into why so many people have advised you not to give your daughter this awful mans name and not to put him on the birth certificate - it gives him no parental rights over your daughter unless you allow it and it really is the most sensible thing you can do.
He can apply retrospectively to be added but he’ll have to go through the courts to do so and take a DNA test. If he’s serious about being a good father he’ll do this but if he’s not you’ve lost nothing and gained a lot of legal protection over your daughter.

He sounds absolutely awful. Get support in place first before you tell him it's over and he's not the birthing partner. Make sure you are in a safe place preferably with supportive people on hand and that your MW knows the situation as well as she will be able to help. The hospital will also need to know in case he tries to turn up.

Don't be tempted or manipulated into giving the baby his surname or anything similar, even if his name goes on the birth certificate. Have a written list of things he has said and done and if you are ever tempted to give him even an inch, whip out the list and force yourself to read it.

The sooner you do it, the sooner you can begin to move forward in freedom with your new daughter when she arrives. This time next week you could be physically free of him, and this time next year hopefully he will just be a bad memory and a name on a birth certificate for your daughter to know about when she's older.

If he calls you on different numbers hang up immediately you hear his voice. If he turns up at your house and causes a scene call the police to remove him. You need to train yourself to realise that you don’t have to speak to him at all. He will probably try being nice, then get angry when he realises that he has lost control over you.

Don’t have him at the birth, keep his name off the birth certificate and give the baby your surname. Good luck!

I think a previous suggestion to ghost him is actually very wise. You don’t live together or have a child yet so there’s nothing practical to discuss at the moment. He isn’t going to listen to you or admit any wrongdoing so why bother trying to have a normal conversation? It will allow you to slowly disconnect emotionally so you’re not as distressed by the break up.
Absolutely do not have him as your birth partner. He will make you feel stressed and uncomfortable in labour which ruins your natural birthing hormones and is not conducive to a straightforward delivery. The role of birth partner is to support you, birth is not a spectator sport. You can think of your job as getting yourself into the best headspace possible to give your baby the best chance of a good birth. What has he done to give your baby the best chance in life? He has cheated and lied to you and destroyed his relationship with you, her mother.
If you put him on the birth certificate or give your DD his last name you run the risk of him making your life difficult in the future by refusing overseas travel etc. A blank space on the certificate doesn’t mean your child is fatherless, it means he still needs to prove himself as a dad.

I’m definitely not giving her his surname but I did want to put his name on the birth certificate. I just think trying to tell him he will no longer be my birthing partner, she won’t have his name and that I’m leaving will be a nightmare for me. But like everyone said, it has to be done.

At this point I need to face the music I’ve been dreading so much. I’m sure you can understand it’s hard for me. I am secretly hoping he just says “f*ck this” and accepts me walking away it will make it so much easier for me!

@YourObedientServant it’s true, I need to make sure I’m with somebody whilst doing this so he’s not able to try and manipulate me further.