Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it OK to be planning on leaving a marriage 5 years in advance?

89 replies

BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:12

My DH had an emotional and physical (although this part has been seriously minimised) affair. Its 4 years ago. I still struggle to move on from it. He thinks I have and spends his time planning our future together. I feel bad for leading him on as I really don't know how I feel and can't imagine that future anymore.

I won't go into too much detail about the choices he made, they are too hideous to recount. Let's just say that he destroyed me, my very being, when he was carrying out his affair. He made choices that broke my heart. He spent a year or more gaslighting me before I found out the extent of it. He had planned to leave me, she left her now xDH and we had a short period of time with him leaving to be on 'his own' to get 'some space'. It was all bollocks obviously. He wanted to be free to try with her but as soon as he was free, he came running back, begging for me. She was devastated and spent 2 years contacting him and playing silly buggers calling me, hanging up the phone, following on social media etc.

I think I've tried as hard as I can but if I'm still hurting then surely this is wrong? I still love him but he isn't who I married. I don't have those good memories anymore as he ruined them. We have a teenage DS and it would hurt him if we split up. My DH has serious MH issues that I have supported him with over the last 15 years and it was thrown in my face. Of course the OW was amazing, she was going to help him. She had no idea what it is like to be with him and only saw this strong, confident man at work and when they had their various nights out/hotel trips.

Sorry for the length of this. It feels so fucked up. I'm not sure I can wait 5 years but 5 years will make a big difference, workwise for me, financially and most importantly, emotionally for my DS.

My DH has no idea I feel like this. I'm as good an actress as he was an actor!

OP posts:
dreamingmama · 15/08/2020 16:15

He destroyed everything, you do what you feels best. I am also planning to leave in a few years, but if I left now, I'd be square 1, broke etc. As women we have to protect ourselves.

Twickerhun · 15/08/2020 16:15

It might be ‘ok’ in some ways, but it Really doesn’t sound healthy to stay in that place.

Xiaoxiong · 15/08/2020 16:19

I can see that 5 years might get you on a better career footing but how would 5 years make the emotional difference for your DS?

Anecdotal I know, but my DH had parents that stayed together for the sake of the children until he was 18 - he said the last 5 years were terrible and he wished they'd divorced sooner. I don't think there is ever a good/better time.

Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:25

I'm lucky in the fact that we actually get on pretty well. Its in the moments that I start to dwell, and the fact I still do, when I'm on my own. We have what our friends would describe as a close call thats made us stronger. Our son adores us both and us very stable and happy.

I had parents that stayed for 'the children' and it was miserable. I would end it if if that is the case. I have older children that have been very supportive and would definitely be forthright if they felt there was anything upsetting their little brother.

I know this isn't mentally healthy but it's nothing compared to the time whilst it was going on. I actually thought I was going mad. Thats what the gaslighting does.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/08/2020 16:31

Can you explain why the timescale is 5 years?

Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:34

5 years my son will have started Uni or work (hopefully), the others are already independent. I will have completed a particular training and started a new career, helping me be financially independent. There are some other things that will help but too outing to add here.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 15/08/2020 16:37

There isn’t an ethical or moral reason why you shouldn’t make this choice. You know the situation and people best. If it’s best option then commit to it as your decision.

But the only comment I would make is that If you haven’t found a compelling reason to leave him yet, I doubt you will in 5 years time. Given all that he already put you through. Unless you know there is more to come.

46566fhvshdhh · 15/08/2020 16:37

How teenage? (Roughly). You don't have to answer but if he's just starting GCSEs or A levels, then for heaven's sake just leave now. You'll certainly be happy, your H may in the long run be relieved and you certainly can't assume his MH problems will get worse if he's, well, not living with someone who (rightly, mind!) doesn't think all that much of him.
DS will, yes, have the upheaval and the hassle of two homes BUT at least one parent, one home, will be actually happy.
I grew up in 3 less than happy homes and didn't realize until later how much it skewed my expectations and outlook. I was very cynical about relationships and looking back I would have made very different choices in life if I'd been exposed to happy family life earlier.

Dozer · 15/08/2020 16:39

It’d be far, far better to leave now IMO. For you and your DC.

Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:39

FYI - this doesn't feel good to do this. I'm not excited by the prospect but being a realist. It may well be that in those 5 years I get my head around it and we skip off into the sunset happily ever after.... but I can't see a future anymore. I need to try and put my future self first. I hate to say it but this is the price of having the affair. He wasn't thinking about my happiness or my future when it was happening.

OP posts:
minnieok · 15/08/2020 16:41

We split once youngest dc went to university, wasn't exactly planned but sort of. Still great friends, just wanted different things

Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:45

His MH is part of why I am struggling to do it now. The fallout could be very bad and will have a more significant effect on our son. They are serious MH issues that affect him significantly and those around him in a significant way too. I'm not quite carer, and he is amazing at how well he copes with his job, but I am needed as support and it does have a baring on my decision.

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/08/2020 16:46

If you can stand to spend the next 5 years with this cheat then go for it.
I wouldn't think twice but then I can be as vengeful as the Wrath of God.
Serve the rotten cheating POS right. Angry

Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:46

sorry, lots of significants there!! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:50

I'm a very forgiving person. More than most which is why everyone around me thinks I have moved on. This is unlike anything else I have ever overcome. I do not want to beat him up about it. Thats not right either. I want us both to be happy. I just struggle remembering the detail and how he became during it and the lies. How do people that stay together manage to move on from that? If I could, then I would stay, I could be happy again.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 15/08/2020 16:51

As much as I hate to stick up for an adulterer this doesn’t sit well with me. My stbexh fell out of love with me and waited til he got a new jobs and a few ducks in a row before he left. I’m less angry that he left, I can see understand it to some extent, but that he stole 5 or 6 years of my life and time when I could’ve retrained, met someone else etc.

You don’t say whether you have tried counselling but suggest you are a good actor, surely that can’t be good for your mental health to live a lie. I think you should try to talk it through with someone and see if you can come to terms with what must’ve been a horrible experience, and try to move on quickly if you can’t. Otherwise five years is a long time to be in an unsatisfying relationship. I really feel for you op.

StealthNinjaMum · 15/08/2020 16:53

I’m not trying to be argumentative but why do you think his mental health would be worse if you left now than in five years time?

whatisheupto · 15/08/2020 16:59

Sounds like a good plan to me. 5 years will fly by anyway.

category12 · 15/08/2020 17:00

Don't you think there will be fall-out from living a lie for that long? Won't it come as a shock to both your ds and dh in 5 years time?

What makes you think his MH will be better able to cope then, than it is now?

And as per pp, you are effectively stealing 5 years of opportunities to take stock, rebuild, make changes and meet other people from both him and yourself.

ErinBrockovich · 15/08/2020 17:01

I think other people would be more understanding if you left now as opposed to cite the affair as the reason 5 years later.
However it’s really not anyone else’s business and you do what’s right for you and your child OP.
He knew the risk he was taking when he started the affair and consequently I wouldn’t feel bad or stay when you are unhappy. I think it’s sensible to have a plan and be working towards that.

vagshapedbox · 15/08/2020 17:04

If there's a part of you that would like to get past this then maybe try to see 5 years as a deadline rather than a leaving date. So, in 5 years if I still feel like this I will definitely not be staying in this marriage but giving yourself permission to leave before if you want/need to.

If there is nothing that makes you think this can work then it feels really sad for you all to be in this situation for another 5 years.
You say that your son won't be affected but actually you might be wrong. He may pick up on any tension, unhappiness or dissatisfaction. I've lost count of the number of parents who've said their kids don't know about the issues in their relationship.

Even if he doesn't know you're unhappy he might find it really hard knowing that his parents stayed together partly for me. Sad for them, guilty and resentful of that responsibility.

I get there are financial/career reasons too and that makes sense but I think it's an unwise decision.

user14562156358 · 15/08/2020 17:04

So many people whose parents waited for them to reach adulthood before separating talk of how destructive that was - the sense their childhood was a fraud and how destabilising it was to feel everything they thought had been real was fake and effectively losing their secure foundation just as they needed it most to start their adult life. I really think it's unlikely it would play out how you seem to imagine.

It concerns me how much it would need your head up too though.

vagshapedbox · 15/08/2020 17:05

Also, the affair was 4 years ago, if you're not able to get past it by now I suspect you never will. And that's ok, no reason why you should accept that betrayal and the way he behaved.

user14562156358 · 15/08/2020 17:05

Mess your head up.

ThePlantsitter · 15/08/2020 17:06

There's no moral reason not to wait 5 years but this is your only life.

My parents waited to split up until I left for uni too, but in the end something outside my control prevented me doing it when expected. You should have seen the ensuing hissy fits. Made me realise I was responsible for the last 5 years (or whatever it was in my case) of my parents' unhappiness. NOT a nice feeling when you realise it and completely beyond my control. Better to take control of your own life, do what's best for you, and model doing that as well.