Is it OK to be planning on leaving a marriage 5 years in advance?

[BabyintheKorma]

My DH had an emotional and physical (although this part has been seriously minimised) affair. Its 4 years ago. I still struggle to move on from it. He thinks I have and spends his time planning our future together. I feel bad for leading him on as I really don't know how I feel and can't imagine that future anymore.

I won't go into too much detail about the choices he made, they are too hideous to recount. Let's just say that he destroyed me, my very being, when he was carrying out his affair. He made choices that broke my heart. He spent a year or more gaslighting me before I found out the extent of it. He had planned to leave me, she left her now xDH and we had a short period of time with him leaving to be on 'his own' to get 'some space'. It was all bollocks obviously. He wanted to be free to try with her but as soon as he was free, he came running back, begging for me. She was devastated and spent 2 years contacting him and playing silly buggers calling me, hanging up the phone, following on social media etc.

I think I've tried as hard as I can but if I'm still hurting then surely this is wrong? I still love him but he isn't who I married. I don't have those good memories anymore as he ruined them. We have a teenage DS and it would hurt him if we split up. My DH has serious MH issues that I have supported him with over the last 15 years and it was thrown in my face. Of course the OW was amazing, she was going to help him. She had no idea what it is like to be with him and only saw this strong, confident man at work and when they had their various nights out/hotel trips.

Sorry for the length of this. It feels so fucked up. I'm not sure I can wait 5 years but 5 years will make a big difference, workwise for me, financially and most importantly, emotionally for my DS.

My DH has no idea I feel like this. I'm as good an actress as he was an actor!

Is this a case of not actually wanting to leave and hoping things will eventually get better?
And by making this ‘plan’ you are telling yourself that it evens out the hurt he has caused you?

If anyone actually wanted to leave they would do as soon as possible. Stop lying to yourself OP as you’re the one who’ll get more hurt in the long run.

Your DH had an affair.
It was nothing to do with MH and the other women isn’t the one to blame.

If you decided to forgive him then you need to do just that but if you can’t get over it then waiting another 5 years isn’t going to do anything but make you more angry that you wasted more of your life.

I"m sorry op, he has treated you awfully and he's lucky you were prepared to give things another try.
I wouldn't wait 5 years, I say this as a child whose parents split up for similar reasons (affair, mental health plus drinking in one of my parent's cases) when I was 10, then tried again and hobbled on till I was 13. The misery of my mum and therefore the atmosphere in my home was awful and she worried about leaving him because I was at a sensitive age (13). She left him and things in my life and hers were immediately better. She did not have the millstone of a broken marriage around her neck and could focus on supporting me and my older siblings- I was fine living with my mum and dropping in on my dad at the weekends, and I got over the split and did well at school with my mum's support. You should make plans to leave him asap, 5 years is too long to be unhappy and your DS will be okay.

I wouldn't stay. One life you have and your also teaching your son to stay when not happy and disrespected. Remember our kids treat others how they see us being treated or treating people. Do you want you kid to think it's ok to do as his father has done? Or put up with what you have?

It's up to you but be prepared for him to do something even worse. ExDP cheated on me and I stayed one more year because I badly wanted to move cities like we'd planned and I couldn't do it alone. He did something much worse and am still traumatised.

Could it be time to try counselling again? You said you did it before but perhaps the timing wasn't right. Your DH needs to know how unhappy you are; he needs to know this isn't cut and dried. I know his MH is a big issue, and you don't want to stir that pot, but your MH matters too.

My relationship has survived infidelity, albeit on a much small scale and very early on in our relationship. The reason we got through it was because I believed entirely in his guilt and shame (he confessed immediately) and because I truly believed our future was not worth giving up over a few hours of madness. But it has not been an easy road and even 7 years later I sometimes feel sick and resentful. But we have had a wonderful 7years and hopefully many more to come so I don't regret my choice - I just regret his choices!

That doesn't sound like the experience you have had and so that isn't fair on you. Staying to get your ducks in a row does make practical sense, but it doesn't make psychological sense. You deserve to be happy for the next 5 years. But if you don't want to separate for the sake of your son right now then you owe it to yourself (and in some ways to your DH) to try everything at your disposal to work on this issue. Pretending for the next 5 years doesn't achieve anything, for anybody. Explain to your DH that you can't get past this issue; that you have tried for years but you feel your past is totally blighted. You want to go to relationship counselling again and set him terms for his behaviour. MH is always tricky, but I am a firm believer (having had relationships with people with poor MH before) that it is not an excuse for treating you badly, as some people seem to believe. No matter how I'll somebody is it doesn't give them an excuse to treat you poorly.
Big hugs to you.

You will benefit financially if you leave while you DS is a dependent.

Plus, you’re wasting 5 years of your life.

I didn't think you meant you'd tell your son. But over 5 years the resentment and contempt will not stay hidden.

Sounds good to me if your happy to carry on for the extra five years. Why leave now and be back at square one when your happy to stay and make a five year plan. It’s a no brainier.

Are you not doing yourself and your DS a disservice? You will lose 5 years. You might leave tomorrow and meet someone else in a years time, that won’t be possible if you stay, unhappily, in this relationship. Your DH is currently planning your future, I presume you are lying to him to say you agree so who knows what he may put into place for that? I don’t think this is a good idea. I think it would be better for everyone if you did what you need to now.

DSmay be blissfully unaware now but if you leave once his exams are over, I imagine like many other children he will realise that his mum stayed for all these years just for him and that will make him feel terrible. Happy parents often make for happy children. He is a young adult, he will understand and not want you to be unhappy.

If you aren’t sure that leaving is right you need to talk to your DH and consider counselling, but if you know you want to leave I think 5 years is a very long time that will be bad for all of you...

You only get one shot at this thing called life. If you choose to spend it with someone that does things so awful to you that you cannot forgive them, when you get to those pearly gates no one is going to give you a second run.
What do you want from life? Take it with both (washed, hand sanitizer) hands (once covid restrictions are over).

Don't stay for five years, there is never going to be a perfect time to leave there never is.
Why should you put your life on hold he didn't think of you once during his affair.

A big part of our issues is that i would like to discuss my feelings and thoughts about it but he won't. He can't cope with the realisation of what he has done. He loves me more than he ever has done. In his mind this has been a second chance and our future is beautiful. I'm just not on the same page!

I’d be careful about that.
I appreciate that he has MH issues and it can make things harder to deal with for him.
However, I doubt that putting his head in the sand about the hurt he has caused is he.ping him in any shape or form.
He idea that everything is amazing etc... is disconnected from reality and again is denying your reality and the reality of what he has done.
And behind that is the fact you are still there to support him (by accepting to live according to his reality rather than bringing your hurt in the open) and that you are in the role of the mother who cares and is looking after him rather than a partner.

I have no idea what is the right way forward for you. But I think you need at least to have counselling for yourself to try and entangle your position in your marriage. You might also benefit from joint counselling to talk about your relationship NOW and how you run it (rather than the affair as such) because there is, IMO, an imbalance there that isn’t healthy.

i think a lot of people plan like this, wait till the youngest is 18 or whatever then leave, so no, i don't think it's odd at all. i had a friend whose mother did this, i'd always thought it unusual he kept a london flat when they lived very near london. she told me after the divorce that he'd had extracurricular lady friends throughout the marriage right from day 1, so i guess her mother had been counting down the days to leaving him for a very long time. i'm sure she had her reasons for putting up with it for so long.

One of my friends stayed in her unhappy marriage after her husband had an affair. She planned to divorce after her youngest DC went to university. It didn’t work out like that because her husband had another affair and left her for the OW just as her youngest was about to sit GCSE exams. Just because you have a plan, it doesn’t mean that your husband is going to fit in with it. Your ‘D’H cheated before and the chances are he’ll do it again but hide it better next time.

My advice is to divorce now rather than prolong the pain for you and your DCs.

I just had a conversation with him. I told him I'm still struggling. That the OW had contacted me again and he then admitted she had also contacted him around the same time. It seems her call to him didn't get the response she wanted so she then calls me to create more issues. I'm fed up with not being able to move on. It doesn't help that she lives locally. Luckily she finally left working with him.

I've said I can't think 9f the future and I'm torn up about the past. He has agreed to start couples counselling again once lockdown is lifted and we can do it face:face.

Thank you for taking time to post a response as its helped push me, even if its just a little bit. x

What a terrible situation. So, let me get this straight....4 years after the affair she still isn't blocked on your husbands phone or yours? After 4 years this surely should be over unless your husband isn't giving you the whole truth? It just doesn't feel right that she is still wanting to speak to your husband after all this time. Sorry OP, I hope you can find happiness one day. Not sure if it will be in this situation but in another free life you carve out for yourself and your son.

Good luck, glad you’ve managed to talk. But if you don’t feel you can continue don’t keep pushing yourself. You will be okay, DS will be okay. Put yourself first for once. X

Just to clarify, she called his work, he just happened to answer, she didn't call him directly. She tried to engage with him but got little response. I believe him in this as we have had terrible issues with her trying to keep communication going. It started with her calling, whilst they were having the affair, asking for someone with a name I didn't recognise but same initials as my DH. It then transpired it was a joke name she used for him. She then started friending lots of my friends on FB amongst other social media stalking. She has tried to meet up with me and give me more 'info but I know enough anyway.

I am upset that my DH brought this unstable person into my life and I'm still having to deal with it. He gets defensive as he feels I am dragging the past up by allowing her to affect me.

So sorry OP, you have a true bunny boiler there for you to deal with. After 4 years and she is still doing this the only thing that is going to stop her is your husband to record all further incidences and get a file together and go to the police. This is going to echo in to your future life with him and that is absolutely terrible for you when you are so keen to move on and put the past behind you. Your husband is responsible for all this as you probably have no idea the promises he made to this lady and she may have fallen for them only for him to dump her and go back to you. This has made her very bitter and angry and clearly can't let go. I cant imagine how painful this is for you after all these years. He made and absolutely dreadful mistake and the consequences will be life long.

It's going to be difficult no matter when you leave OP. Better to pull the plaster off quickly now and be done with it. Do you really want another five years of this woman getting under your skin?

We discussed a non-molestation order with our counsellor but decided against it. I changed my mobile number but my work number is in the public domain and she has called it, which diverts to my new mobile. I've only touched the surface with whats been done but she doesn't seem to have boundaries, including telling my DH she had cancer when it started to become an EA. Her xDH contacted me a while back and said she has done this before.

If i had a bunny I would definitely be afraid for its life!

Oh dear, it sounds as if this OW has MH issues too. Obviously, though, that's no excuse and I agree that taking out a non-molestation order sounds like the way to go.

I also think that you will see things more clearly once this woman is finally out of your life. Then more therapy would be helpful.

OP, you've had so much to deal with.

Sorry, I see that you've decided against the non-molestation order. But if you log all these incidents as they occur then you could report her for harassment. It doesn't sound like she's going to back off on her own accord, sadly.

wow, I don't know why or how you could wait five years.

Don't wait five years, you'll get ground down and you'll start to think that if you've put up with it so far that it would be ''dramatic'' or ''ridiculous'' to suddenly leave when you've cast yourself in the role of the slowiy boiling frog for five years.