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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it OK to be planning on leaving a marriage 5 years in advance?

89 replies

BabyintheKorma · 15/08/2020 16:12

My DH had an emotional and physical (although this part has been seriously minimised) affair. Its 4 years ago. I still struggle to move on from it. He thinks I have and spends his time planning our future together. I feel bad for leading him on as I really don't know how I feel and can't imagine that future anymore.

I won't go into too much detail about the choices he made, they are too hideous to recount. Let's just say that he destroyed me, my very being, when he was carrying out his affair. He made choices that broke my heart. He spent a year or more gaslighting me before I found out the extent of it. He had planned to leave me, she left her now xDH and we had a short period of time with him leaving to be on 'his own' to get 'some space'. It was all bollocks obviously. He wanted to be free to try with her but as soon as he was free, he came running back, begging for me. She was devastated and spent 2 years contacting him and playing silly buggers calling me, hanging up the phone, following on social media etc.

I think I've tried as hard as I can but if I'm still hurting then surely this is wrong? I still love him but he isn't who I married. I don't have those good memories anymore as he ruined them. We have a teenage DS and it would hurt him if we split up. My DH has serious MH issues that I have supported him with over the last 15 years and it was thrown in my face. Of course the OW was amazing, she was going to help him. She had no idea what it is like to be with him and only saw this strong, confident man at work and when they had their various nights out/hotel trips.

Sorry for the length of this. It feels so fucked up. I'm not sure I can wait 5 years but 5 years will make a big difference, workwise for me, financially and most importantly, emotionally for my DS.

My DH has no idea I feel like this. I'm as good an actress as he was an actor!

OP posts:

BlueJava · 16/08/2020 15:07

To me 5 years is quite a long time to wait, I think it could make you hard and bitter to "fake" the relationship for that length of time. I'd say move on in the new couple of month - much more healthy. I appreciate you may not be in such a good financial position but I think that's highly preferable if you can manage it to be somewhere small with just you and DS rather than "acting" your way through your marriage. I don't think it will end well.

BubblyBarbara · 16/08/2020 15:11

Sounds like a good idea in theory but how can you have sex with someone you don’t really love? If you’re going to stay you’ll either feel compelled to have sex when you don’t want to or you’ll need to stop it in which case he might split from you first!

SixesAndEights · 16/08/2020 15:11

Nearly a decade in total seems an awfully long time in a life of about eight decades.

TeaLibrary · 16/08/2020 15:19

5 years is a long time to be stuck in a marriage to an unfaithful pig. I wouldnt waste 5 precious years living a lie with a man you can't stand. He has proven he can't be trusted so why put yourself through another 5 years of doubt abd mistrust when you could be divorced and maybe have met someone else and remarried and moved on with your life

Original poster

BabyintheKorma · 16/08/2020 16:44

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, I do love my DH otherwise I wouldn't be here now and I certainly couldn't have sex with him. I just don't feel the same as I did.

I was madly and deeply in love with him and thought he was too. We had our issues like everyone else but instead of him telling me how unhappy he was with his MH and he didn't like it that I was trying to get him to get help, he started the affair. I guess it was an escape from reality. He is not very good at challenging himself, or taking responsibility. Even earlier he still blames me for how he was feeling in the lead up to the affair.

I'm hoping the counselling brings it all out in the wash.

OP posts:

celticmissey · 16/08/2020 17:01

OP , I know how you feel. My OH had a history of MH problems too I was trying to help with and funnily enough I was blamed partially for him having the affair too. Bit of a theme there....

Original poster

BabyintheKorma · 16/08/2020 17:13

@celticmissey I'm sure it is. I don't believe my DH has the coping skills to deal with the aftermath of the affair. To him, the only way is to not bring it up, even if its made worse for me. He actually thinks its better that way and me bringing it up, even if its due to contact by her, is a form of punishment. He was the last person on this planet i would have said would have an affair. Nobody could believe it. It was like he became a monster. To make matters worse, he is the only man I have really trusted.

I started seeing the counsellor again just before lockdown due to my inability to get over it and age thinks a lot of it has to do with childhood trauma and I've carried that forward. He wasn't meant to be the person that broke me. He has suggested that I have managed to get through so much other shit before so how come I behave like this is the worst thing. Unfortunately it is. I've never felt pain like it because it was done by someone I loved and trusted.

OP posts:

SnackBitch2020 · 16/08/2020 18:01

I totally understand not leaving immediately and formulating a plan that is sensible for all concerned, however 5 years is a really long time! It is easy to make plans now, but anything could happen in all that time. Can you seek some legal advice and information to weigh up the pros and cons of leaving now or in the next year or so, to waiting five years? It might not be as bad as you think?

nc600 · 16/08/2020 18:08

It is worse in my mind to have parents split at 18 rather than 13. So confusing at a time when you're already finding your feet in the world.

I'd also be wary of affecting your sons level of maintenance loan doing this and be sure you can top it up for him if he does go to uni.

june2007 · 16/08/2020 18:09

I don,t think staying for 5 years is fair on anyone tbh.

Sunrise234 · 16/08/2020 18:09

That the OW had contacted me again and he then admitted she had also contacted him around the same time.

I would have been annoyed that he didn’t tell you the OW had contacted him straight away.
Even if he’s done nothing wrong since the affair keeping things from you isn’t the way to go.

You keep talking about his MH. But what about yours?
I feel like you’re making excuses for him. The affair is one thing but then to practically blame it all on you is terrible.

I think counselling will be good whether you stay together or not because it sounds like he hasn’t fully apologised or not in a way that you can forgive him.

category12 · 16/08/2020 18:14

He has suggested that I have managed to get through so much other shit before so how come I behave like this is the worst thing.

What a lemon he is.

nc600 · 16/08/2020 18:15

"He was the last person on this planet i would have said would have an affair. Nobody could believe it"

No, and that's the case most of the time. Unless he's an absolute player or you started out as an affair nobody ever says they thought he'd do that!

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 16/08/2020 19:19

I think if you are determined to leave then waiting 5 years is not the plan. What if you do that and then 3 years in he had another affair or you discover something else. It's a waste of your life. I know you thing he won't be you thought that before.
You may think you are a good actor but afterwards I bet your DS says you knew you were unhappy.
You have one life. Live it.

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