Is it OK to be planning on leaving a marriage 5 years in advance?

[BabyintheKorma]

My DH had an emotional and physical (although this part has been seriously minimised) affair. Its 4 years ago. I still struggle to move on from it. He thinks I have and spends his time planning our future together. I feel bad for leading him on as I really don't know how I feel and can't imagine that future anymore.

I won't go into too much detail about the choices he made, they are too hideous to recount. Let's just say that he destroyed me, my very being, when he was carrying out his affair. He made choices that broke my heart. He spent a year or more gaslighting me before I found out the extent of it. He had planned to leave me, she left her now xDH and we had a short period of time with him leaving to be on 'his own' to get 'some space'. It was all bollocks obviously. He wanted to be free to try with her but as soon as he was free, he came running back, begging for me. She was devastated and spent 2 years contacting him and playing silly buggers calling me, hanging up the phone, following on social media etc.

I think I've tried as hard as I can but if I'm still hurting then surely this is wrong? I still love him but he isn't who I married. I don't have those good memories anymore as he ruined them. We have a teenage DS and it would hurt him if we split up. My DH has serious MH issues that I have supported him with over the last 15 years and it was thrown in my face. Of course the OW was amazing, she was going to help him. She had no idea what it is like to be with him and only saw this strong, confident man at work and when they had their various nights out/hotel trips.

Sorry for the length of this. It feels so fucked up. I'm not sure I can wait 5 years but 5 years will make a big difference, workwise for me, financially and most importantly, emotionally for my DS.

My DH has no idea I feel like this. I'm as good an actress as he was an actor!

So he cheated 4 years ago and you're going to wait another 5 years to leave?!

Why are you wasting almost 10 years of your life on someone who would leave you without a second thought!

Get a job, save some money for a deposit if you have to and leave by the end of the year.

It's very hard for young adults when parents split just as they're trying to spread their wings with Uni, work and the like. Suddenly their place of safety has gone, just when they need to know its there. I couldn't live 5 years with an unrepentant cheating liar. Are you going avoid intimacy for 5 years? Take your son, and think of yourself.

Your 'plan' might fall though if he decides to leave you first - I suspect he will do.

He lied to you for 2 years. You plan to lie to him for 5 more.

Deeply deeply unhealthy.

He broke your trust and betrayed you repeatedly whilst gaslighting you - gaslighting being such an intentional and psychologically damaging act of abuse. You owe him no loyalty and no honesty OP. You do what needs to he done to extract yourself and your son from this man, with finances and secure future intact.

Again, he did this, you owe him nothing, make sure your exit is financially sound.

Please don't kid yourself that it is better for your DS if you wait 5 years.

I couldn't do it, 4 years post affair and you're going to drag it out for another 5? I'd feel like I had wasted 9 years of my life, living a lie.

Can I ask, are you still sleeping in the same bed and having sex with him?

Op dont do this. For many reasons. One, two wrongs dont make a right. He betrayed you cheated on you and left thats understandable you have struggled to get over it. But it was 4 years ago and presumably you looked at ways of forgiving and moving on maybe even councilling? You cant then forgive someone and tjen deliberately string them along for 9 years in total knowing the whole time you want to leave them. That will affect both you him and your son. Teenagers are resilient he will get over it eventually. Thats 5 years you want to live a lie. Husbands mental health wont thank you and neither will yours or your sons.

If you really want to leave you need to leave now. If you think theres a small shot of couples therapy working maybe try that first and leave if it doesnt work.

Sorry but this sounds bizarre and very unhealthy. If he has longstanding mental health problems that mean you cant leave him now, why will it be better in 5 years. And how, if you are both faking it so well, going to explain to your son that you were just biding your time over an affair that occurred 9 years previously. Setting aside his wrongs, i feel your plan is in some ways much worse.

I don't believe anything good ever comes of living a lie. Whatever the lie may be

Well it might be a good idea to see a solicitor as you could be better off leaving while you still have a child at home. Once they have flown the nest your financial and career sacrifices are not taken into account. You can then use that time to build your career up regardless so that when child maintenance stops all is fine. Not having a husband to look after will enable you to invest in your career while still fairly young too.

As for the timing for them.. the number of kids that go to uni then have their parents split is huge. It doesn't make it easier because then they have no 'home' to come back to, and they know you waited, so have the guilt of feeling you only stayed for them.

Plus that puts you into a more tricky dating group. Don't underestimate this part.

I don't think this is an ethical thing to do, despite his wrongs to you. Two wrongs don't make anything right. Work towards making or breaking up your relationship, but don't cynically use up another person's time on this planet because it suits you.

I think you are ‘over-worrying’ about your son. If your DH was killed tomorrow your son would cope and you would be there for him. How is that any different now? Far better to live the truth and get on with building your life.

I say this after leaving an abusive first marriage and being in your exact position in my second marriage, though I am lucky in that I have been able to rebuild our marriage.

You will always put your son first. That is clear and a good foundation.

I meant to say also that DCs were involved in both marriages and it is natural they come first always.

Well OP I could have written your post - down to the very poor mental health of my OH. I am massively struggling one year on and to be honest I feel he has ruined everything and it's all overshadowed any good memories.

I can understand why you're hanging on until the right time. I have a 10 year old DD but to be honest I don't think I have the energy for much longer to be around him with his mental health issues - to think I was so supportive previously, sometimes at the cost of my own mental health, at a time when I was being betrayed and lied to.

Your post is making me think that I won't be able to forgive in the future and if I think like that why should I be supportive with the mental health aspect and maybe I need to move to the next step earlier than I thought. I wish you well with all your choices. Nobody deserves to be treated the way we have been treated. Do what's right for you - NOT HIM - he made his choices now it's time for you to think of yours.

Yes @Rainbowcoffee

I did wonder. But obviously he is just realising he has hit retirement. Life changes then I hear.

If it's any consolation OP, my plan is even longer term, 17 years! However there's no abuse, has been no affair just nothing. Do what is best for you.

You need to do what is right FOR YOU.
Only you can say if it’s actually manageable to still living with him and somehow support him for the next 5 years.

My advice (from doing a similar thing) is

• don’t set the 5 years in stone. If things get unbearable before that, leave then
• be sure that you dint use the ‘im waiting because of xxx’ as an excuse to not leave
• be ready for your feelings to change. You might feel closer as you re establish new boundaries/a new relationship. Or you might find that you are growing more and more apart. Which can be hard to handle (and might well raise questions from your DH)

@MrsTerryPratchett

He lied to you for 2 years. You plan to lie to him for 5 more.

Deeply deeply unhealthy.

I dint think that’s lying the way her DH has lied tbh.

That’s knowing what you want but also knowing the best decision for you isn’t to destroy everything right away.
From the OP’s post, I think she is t ready to leave him yet. She still has some feeling of responsibility towards him and the marriage. And her dc.
Many women stay for financial reasons or for the children. These are as valid reasons to stay in a relationship than ‘being in love’.
And I would wonder if her DH is also as in love as he say seeing the way he acted. Gaslighting and cheating in your partner are not, in my book, actions from someone who is deeply in love, regardless of what they profess afterwards.... Which means the reasons he decide the stay are not ‘for love’ (whatever they are including knowing he had someone who would look after him despite his MH issues)

Thank you for so many replies. I appreciate them, even if some are hard to read. I'll try and answer some of the questions.

After finding out, I did the pick me dance and realise now that I was hysterical bonding. I feel sad that I was so desperate to win him. I have told him I wish he had actually left when it started so he didn't get to treat me the way he did. And for me to allow it. He blamed me for the affair, well for him wanting space then the affair.

We have seen a relate counsellor together as well as individually. She was very good but I think we both wanted to move forward at the time. We both ended up having the OW as a common enemy as she had started her stalking at this point.

We do have a physical relationship and have done the whole way through this. It has dwindled to once a week now and it has always been good.

The affair, I now realise after beating myself up, was all about him and his MH issues. At work he could be someone different and so was she. Neither of them were real with each other. He wanted something he could control, that his MH wasn't affecting. Its a very complicated condition.

We are already late 40s and I'm not even thinking that I want anyone else! If that happened later down the line that's fine but not being able to get another partner is not a reason to stay for me.

Some of you are right, maybe I reframe this as, I will see how things are in 5 years rather than planning to leave.

I know that things can change and I am open to either option. I don't hate him for what he did, it just makes me sad. I also realise that someone can make bad choices but it doesn't make them a bad person. I absolutely believe he will never do it again.

A big part of our issues is that i would like to discuss my feelings and thoughts about it but he won't. He can't cope with the realisation of what he has done. He loves me more than he ever has done. In his mind this has been a second chance and our future is beautiful. I'm just not on the same page!

One of the things he said to me, 4 years ago, before I knew anything was the 'I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you. I couldn't believe it, it was like an out of body experience and I was looking at two strangers. But now I wonder if that's how I feel.

@celticmissey please feel free to direct message me if you wish to share your story. I'm sorry you are there too.

Again, thanks for the responses.

Just to add, I would never tell my son that he was the reason we are together. He is my priority and I would make sure, now, in 5 years or even later, that he always has a home and is loved by us both. None of our choices are for him to carry the burden of.

I think you should go to counselling and talk things through there.

Sometimes it’s inevitable and we’re just waiting for the right time.

Identical situation OP, except I found out 11 years after it happened. We are still together, I’ve never felt 100% the same to be honest.like you there’s no hate, I am 100% sure it was a one off at a shit period in life but I can’t deny it kind of ‘shattered the mirror’ and I am more sad and disappointed than anything else .