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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I find my place in this relationship?

79 replies

WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 15:38

My fiancé (wedding in December) has had a tough couple of years following the split from his ex wife, during which she tried to prevent him seeing his dc. She moved area and schools and he had a horrible 4 months waiting for a court date when he was granted regular access.

He and his family are traumatised by what happened and ex wife still sends long rambling texts during his contact with the dc and manipulates them on video calls - offering them gifts that they can only open when they go back to hers... The video calls can go on for 45 minutes and she mutters angrily if my dc can be heard in the background of the call. I am now feeling really anxious whenever dp gets a text from her - they will seize on any perceived parenting fail and I feel like my home and life are under scrutiny. The texts are often abusive even though dp sends polite ones back to her. I’ve tried to help dp, but it is now to the detriment of my mental health.

What is making matters worse is that his parents keep talking about his ex - who was she with at handover, is she still with her partner etc etc. I’m just feeling like I’m not sure where my place is in this relationship because ex wife dominates so much of our time. I don’t feel excited about the wedding (even without the COVID complicating factor) because of all of thisSad

I’ve tried to talk to dp but he hasn’t broached this with his parents yet.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 15/08/2020 15:45

Don't marry into this. Your DP needs to step up and stop this nonsense from both his ex and his family. He can't offer you a proper relationship - let alone marriage- as things are.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 15:50

Sad I hope we can find a way to manage it somehow.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/08/2020 15:52

Walk away. Run, actually.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 15/08/2020 15:53

You could be my sister. Please don't get involved in this toxic shit show. She wishes she hadn't. We all do. Her life started like yours...run run run!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2020 15:57

Fuck sakes, the writing is on the wall, op. Do not marry this man. Why is he allowing his ex to dominate your lives? 45 minute video calls when it's his time with his children? Does he not have even a hint of a backbone? Why hasn't he told his parents to shut up and stop talking about his ex in front of you? He doesn't seem concerned about your feelings at all. You have been forewarned, and your instincts are telling you not to go through with this. Don't make such a massive mistake.

category12 · 15/08/2020 16:02

Your bloke should be taking the calls in the bedroom or somewhere, why is this dominating your household? Why does her tutting at your children being heard become an issue?

I would get yourself out of this. You have your dc to think about. How fucking dare he and they take over your home with their unresolved nonsense. Put your kids first.

category12 · 15/08/2020 16:05

Sorry, was thinking the video calls were from him to his dc in her home.

Even worse to be having that amount of video-calling from her during his contact time.

Your problem is him, tho.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:08

He only gets video calls of a few minutes (court ordered). Hers go on indefinitely and she tries to manipulate the children into further calls - which we refuse and then get a tirade of abuse. The call is court ordered but because a time isn’t specified, ex wife thinks they should go on indefinitely (for her at least). Dp has them in the kitchen so he can hear the manipulation.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:10

I am not allowing the calls in the kitchen again. I just feel so sad. He is brilliant in so many ways, he’s currently putting a bed together for my daughter. He says he will address this but he isn’t sure how yet. He’s speaking to his solicitor on Monday about the video calls. I know I haven’t represented his positives here. I just feel like it’s a massive turn off having this level of intrusion.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/08/2020 16:17

He only gets video calls of a few minutes (court ordered). Hers go on indefinitely
Why has the court organised his time with the children but not hers?

They only separated up 2 years ago, and he's already engaged to be married? Why is he in such a rush? Are you all living together already?

NotaCoolMum · 15/08/2020 16:18

How long before you met him had they split? It sounds as if he’s not dealt with it yet. It’s not fair for you to be feeling like a third party in your own home 💐

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:20

No they did not separate 2 years ago. It was 5 years ago. I met him 3 years ago. The two years was a reference to how long the court process took. He returned numerous times as she continually breached the order.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2020 16:21

Why would you sign up for all this baggage, bullshit and drama in your life? It sounds utterly exhausting and it can't possibly be good for your children.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:22

Her time has been organised. The video calls for him and her are both court ordered. There is no length specified for the call so on his calls, she ensures the kids are out somewhere exciting and on one occasion, she gave them a lolly to fight over so the call was terminated quickly. He gives her lengthy calls so that when he goes back to court it can be shown that he is fair and reasonable, but she demands more and more. She becomes angry when he terminates the call because dinner is on the table after 40 minutes.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/08/2020 16:23

How are your children coping with being sucked into someone else's fight?

ravenmum · 15/08/2020 16:26

He gives her lengthy calls so that when he goes back to court it can be shown that he is fair and reasonable
It's not working, why does he keep doing it?
Why does he need to prove he's being fair?

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:28

I try to keep my dc well out of it. I have a teen dd aged 14 who did overhear talk of court and thought she would get in trouble if she said the wrong thing in front of his two dc. Sad I have explained that a family court is different.

Sadly her parents have done things like run away from my dc - his son and my son are at the same school and when his mum picks my son up she sometimes sees her grandson with the ex’s mum and she runs away with him! The barrister in the family court has said this is unacceptable and ex wife agrees, but that sort of thing still happens. My younger dc, 10 and 12 are very well balanced, clever kids who don’t seem affected - but obviously I don’t want them drawn into drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:29

@ravenmum because he’s going back to court for more time. It’s the best way forward for the dc as they are so manipulated by mum that they are suffering. Family court is based on evidence, so the length of the calls will be looked at.

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/08/2020 16:31

Bad choice to date him when you had and still have your own DC to consider.

Dozer · 15/08/2020 16:32

Don’t marry him!

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:33

She sends aggressive messages claiming that he hasn’t done the right thing for the dc and that she should have more video calls. Again this is documented, so it is about collecting evidence. He can go to court and show that he has always been polite, reasonable and communicative which when the judge considers giving him more contact with them, will stand in his favour. Initially I tried to support him, but I actually think I need to step away as much as possible.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/08/2020 16:34

I think you're fooling yourself when you say your dc seem unaffected. They're obviously being drawn into this drama if people are running away from them etc. You're putting your love-life ahead of their emotional security by having them exposed to this crap.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:36

@Dozer I have been naive as I have never encountered a situation so acrimonious and obstructive before. I’m in deep now, as I wouldn’t want to uproot my kids and I’m involved with him and his dc now. I just want him to step up and to be fair, with the ex wife, he usually does. He also needs to be firm with his parents. I will not marry him while this is all still up in the air - it needs sorting.

OP posts:
Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 16:40

This isn't ever going away - she may become easier to cope with but she will still be there, so you need to ask yourself if this is something you can deal with.

It is difficult being with someone who's already been married and has a family as even when they get on it can often feel like you're second best.
I personally couldn't be bothered with all the drama but then I haven't been in love with someone who has children from a previous relationship.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 15/08/2020 16:42

I’ve already been married and have a family though and I’m sure dp doesn’t feel second best to my ex. Our arrangement is flexible and amicable and also the split was 8 years ago.

OP posts:
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