How do I find my place in this relationship?

[WhoisRebecca]

My fiancé (wedding in December) has had a tough couple of years following the split from his ex wife, during which she tried to prevent him seeing his dc. She moved area and schools and he had a horrible 4 months waiting for a court date when he was granted regular access.

He and his family are traumatised by what happened and ex wife still sends long rambling texts during his contact with the dc and manipulates them on video calls - offering them gifts that they can only open when they go back to hers... The video calls can go on for 45 minutes and she mutters angrily if my dc can be heard in the background of the call. I am now feeling really anxious whenever dp gets a text from her - they will seize on any perceived parenting fail and I feel like my home and life are under scrutiny. The texts are often abusive even though dp sends polite ones back to her. I’ve tried to help dp, but it is now to the detriment of my mental health.

What is making matters worse is that his parents keep talking about his ex - who was she with at handover, is she still with her partner etc etc. I’m just feeling like I’m not sure where my place is in this relationship because ex wife dominates so much of our time. I don’t feel excited about the wedding (even without the COVID complicating factor) because of all of this

I’ve tried to talk to dp but he hasn’t broached this with his parents yet.

[quote WhoisRebecca]@ravenmum this is true. He is going to speak to his parents and I’ve said I won’t be willing to go ahead unless I’m happy with that. I think as long as I ringfence my deposit (I had considerably more from the sale of my home) and I am able to leave a portion of this house in my will to my children then marriage shouldn’t disadvantage me financially at all.[/quote]
I was thinking more about how you would stand in 5 or 10 years' time, for example, if you did decide to leave. If you are married, will it be harder/easier to sell the house and get your fair share of money back. I would get advice on that. Make sure that you come out OK whether or not you stay together. Don't forget that it is not just up to you whether or not you stay together.

I did but getting married changes things, so I am going to ensure that my share of the property is protected once we are married, as children of first marriages can lose out.

He’s also going to send a solicitor’s letter regarding the behaviour of his ex’s parents with my children. I am asking for them not to be mentioned in any future court proceedings.

Re the texts she sends when the kids are there, your dh needs to stop checking them so often; switch off her notifications or whatever and then just look to see if she has written anything, say twice a day. When you are not there. And not bother you with his shit.

@ravenmum that’s good advice. I actually get an adrenaline surge when he tells me she’s texted. The kids aren’t here for a week and a half now and everything is peaceful and calm - it’s not always like that. It’s most pronounced during the summer hols when he has them for longer periods. The children themselves are gorgeous kids, but also extremely demanding and needy as I think mum and her family are helicopter parents. They have little emotional resilience.

I can appreciate that an outsider probably thinks I’m mad for voluntarily being in this situation but mostly we get along very nicely and have a nice life. I do really appreciate the advice offered here, even the harsher responses - though I do think the situation is much more nuanced than I’ve perhaps managed to convey here.