How do I find my place in this relationship?

[WhoisRebecca]

My fiancé (wedding in December) has had a tough couple of years following the split from his ex wife, during which she tried to prevent him seeing his dc. She moved area and schools and he had a horrible 4 months waiting for a court date when he was granted regular access.

He and his family are traumatised by what happened and ex wife still sends long rambling texts during his contact with the dc and manipulates them on video calls - offering them gifts that they can only open when they go back to hers... The video calls can go on for 45 minutes and she mutters angrily if my dc can be heard in the background of the call. I am now feeling really anxious whenever dp gets a text from her - they will seize on any perceived parenting fail and I feel like my home and life are under scrutiny. The texts are often abusive even though dp sends polite ones back to her. I’ve tried to help dp, but it is now to the detriment of my mental health.

What is making matters worse is that his parents keep talking about his ex - who was she with at handover, is she still with her partner etc etc. I’m just feeling like I’m not sure where my place is in this relationship because ex wife dominates so much of our time. I don’t feel excited about the wedding (even without the COVID complicating factor) because of all of this

I’ve tried to talk to dp but he hasn’t broached this with his parents yet.

OP you are not listening to what people here are trying to say in order to help you and your children.

This is not the man for you. You are causing yourself and your children a lot of grief by choosing someone with so much baggage.

Cut your losses now and step away. Choose someone with no baggage. If not for you, do it for your children that deserve a drama free life. By continuing with this relationship, you are not putting your children and their wellbeing first.

I’ve already been married and have a family though and I’m sure dp doesn’t feel second best to my ex. Our arrangement is flexible and amicable and also the split was 8 years ago.

It is still not as easy as being with someone who hasn't been married/had children before.

And often it is not an issue - with you it shouldn't be as you're both in a similar situation.
But I honestly can't see your partners situation getting better any time soon!

@Sunrise234 no of course not, but I’m 40 and I do have children, so I’m never going to skip off into the sunset as a baggage free twenty something and I am also accepting that my partner might have baggage too.

I think it would traumatise my dc more if I left - my son adores my partner and we have a nice life otherwise. I know she won’t go away, but I want him to make me a priority.

I know she won’t go away, but I want him to make me a priority.

He's had over 3 years to do this and hasn't been arsed. You are settling for second place.

I have a teen dd aged 14 who did overhear talk of court and thought she would get in trouble if she said the wrong thing in front of his two dc.

Sadly her parents have done things like run away from my dc - his son and my son are at the same school and when his mum picks my son up she sometimes sees her grandson with the ex’s mum and she runs away with him!

@category12 what does that mean? Please bear in mind that I am a real person with a real issue.

@Aquamarine1029

I know she won’t go away, but I want him to make me a priority.

He's had over 3 years to do this and hasn't been arsed. You are settling for second place.

This.

OP you are beyond oblivious and are knowingly settling down for a man that doesn't put you first.

Why would you do this to yourself and your children? The marriage if you go ahead will be prone to have issues and fail.

I 100% agree with you. I am a single parent so I have baggage and would accept other people's baggage too but only if it meant we were both happy.
I think if you haven't become a priority in all the time you've been together why do you think that is going to change any time soon?

I think you need to decide whether you leave or you stay but know that this is how it's going to be for the foreseeable.

If you had only been together a few months I would say that in my experience a lot of ex's can play up or act jealous but then it does calm down and everyone eventually gets along but it seems your situation isn't improving at all.

Why do you think he’ll make you a priority when he hasn’t done for the past three years?

Nobody is going to tell you this is a good or healthy situation. Especially for your dc.

Honestly, this type of person won't calm down or turn into a reasonable person. You need to find a way to detach/ separate from all of it entirely (impossible, in my experience of a similar situation) or, preferably, run like the wind. This won't get any better.

How old is their youngest child?

@OldWomanSaysThis the youngest is 6. Ex left him for another man when dc was a baby.

I am going to completely detach.

What I meant by my previous post is that you're talking about the trauma of "uprooting" your dc, yet you're minimising the stress and trauma your dc are being exposed to by being in the middle of all this.

I realise you're a real person, but they're real children who shouldn't be put through this drama. I feel like you are putting the relationship first and your dc are taking a backseat.

This isn't just baggage, it's a carousel full of suitcases.

You've put up with this for three years and you're unhappy. Why would you now marry him? Honestly the only people o feel sorry for in any of this are all the children, who I'm sure you believe you're shielding from all of this, but they'll know.

He sounds like the head in the sand type, he hasn't addressed any of these issues and he's not going to. He might pay lip service and take a few half hearted actions, but ultimately nothing will change.

So if you do decide to go ahead and marry him at least you're doing so with your eyes wide open, and that's your lookout. It's a pity the kids don't get a choice.

[quote WhoisRebecca]@OldWomanSaysThis the youngest is 6. Ex left him for another man when dc was a baby.

I am going to completely detach.[/quote]
I can't help but interpret the information offered as a reason given to once more justify your DP.

OP it doesn't matter why the ex wife left him. Whatever the reason, if your DP was a decent man he would manage the situation well.

From what you are describing he sounds as if he is still figuring things out and a bit clueless as to boundaries and priorities.

This is his problem. Not yours.

You are completely liable though for the damage you are causing to your children by putting them in the middle of such a toxic situation.

Don't think with your bits. Use your head. And for the love of God remember that you have a duty as a mother.

Your children don't love him more than they do you. And you need to do better for them.

Ok - so the thing with his parents really should be simple. Ask him to ask them not to talk about his ex in front of you. But do you have to be a party to every conversation? Let him have time with his parents and have moans then

Sounds as though when his kids aren’t with you it’s all fine. When they are with you she calls every day for 45 minutes. My bf’s ex does the same and it’s fine - I just don’t like listening to the conversation so I make myself scarce. It’s not that long in the grand scheme of things.

You know he loves you, but you don’t need to hear about everything. I don’t want to know what my bf and his ex text about so I just let him get on with it (unless it upsets him which it dies sometimes and then I listen) and I don’t mind about his ex talking to her kids when they are with us. Think a lot of deep breaths are needed and go into a different room and put the tv on loud! Then get on with your relationship with your fiancée and enjoy it. Don’t let 45 mins a day ruin things

I completely get it when you say you’re not going to get “no baggage” and you love him so I’m not going to tell you to run and those telling you to do so are probably happily married

Maybe just live apart, keep dating, don't get married, keep some distance from his drama for 10+ years and then marry.

"Your private life drama, baby, leave me out."

How many children does he have? Does the Ex have a partner?

I had some experience of this as was involved in a similar situation. Like you I naively assumed any hostility would decline if we acted reasonably. It never did.

However I would now say in hindsight that Ex played a part in that hostility although I didn't see it at the time.

What contact does he have and why is he fighting for more? You said he had a court order agreed, why open it up again?

Are you and your children living in his house and could you financially survive without him?

Definitely postpone a wedding. His dc are young and you have literally years of this, think 12plus. That is your children's lifetime. You will be in your 50s before this is over. The ex is able to fight because your dp is engaged with it. His family are also adding to the drama.

Court is causing the battle lines and creates a situation where both parties have to prove fault, it takes years to reduce the conflict of a court case.

We live in a jointly owned house. I sold my house to buy this one.

She doesn’t call for 45 minutes a day. It is one video call a week. Court ordered. He gets every other weekend and one tea time and he wants nearer 50/50.

Meh 45 mins once a week - let it go - just detach as you suggested and get on with your life. Let him deal with it

Sorry OP I'm just checking I've got this correct:

So he has the DC's every other weekend and tea time once a week?

He wants to see them more, but she is stopping it?

If he stopped asking for more access do you think she would be less difficult?

It is lovely he wants to have them more but a lot of NRP only have their DCs over every other weekend so maybe he could stick to this for a few months to try and build some bridges and then increase the access.

No she wouldn’t be any easier. If she could, she would stop him seeing them altogether. She doesn’t know he’s going to court again. He wants to see them more, though it is a standard arrangement. She will continue to be as obstructive as possible regardless of what he does. There is absolutely no possibility of building bridges.

He wants to see them more, though it is a standard arrangement. She will continue to be as obstructive as possible regardless of what he does.

It sounds like they're both as bad as each other. And it's becoming a tit for tat game to them.
I just feel sorry for you that you're having to deal with it all and you're not even married yet.

@Sunrise234 to be fair to him, if his ex was flexible at all or prepared to be amicable, the current arrangement would be fine. However he is concerned that she is attempting to alienate the kids and so he wants more time with them to ensure they don’t become alienated from him. I understand that - parental alienation is very very difficult to prove. I also agree that the situation is not pleasant for me or my dc.

However he has said he will address the issue with his parents and I’m going to detach from the court stuff as much as possible. I think it’s easy to say walk away - but we have a life together and in many ways he’s been a good influence in my dc’s lives. We live in a nice house in a nice area, good schools, things are usually very amicable. The stuff with ex has been brought to a head this week as he had his two dc for a week (ex doesn’t like this, so we get a barrage of texts and abuse).

I’ve been clear that if the issue isn’t addressed to my satisfaction then I am prepared to walk away and I won’t be getting married. I think that’s fair.