He can't get over my abortion...should we split up?

[Crumpets4butter]

Me and my partner have been having huge problems in lockdown. He has been picking at me for little things, going mad about the housework, saying I've been doing nothing whilst he has been busy with work and saying I'm pathetic for being on antidepressants. A few times things have come to a head and he suggest we start proceedings to sell the house.

I have found out where all this anger stems from today. I have DD aged 2.8, she is a wonderful child but I struggled massively at first and developed post partum psychosis for which I was on the waiting list for a mother and baby unit and was on anti psychotic medication for over a year. When DD was 18 months I found out I was pregnant again (total suprise and 1 in a million chance). After some soul searching I had a termination, I told my partner about it all and although he was sad he was onboard at first. After I had it our relationship started to go downhill and he has never really gotten over it. I've been called a baby killer by him 😭
I did what I thought was best for my mental health and chance of survival, I'm not proud of what I did but it was the right decision. I love DD to the moon and back but don't want to have another child and was terrified. DP didn't pull his weight when she was tiny and didn't understand about my mental health so much so that MIL had to move in a for a few weeks so I could cope.. and I was up all night breastfeeding. I just can't do it again. I think people are amazing for having 2 or more kids but I know it isn't for me.

DP says he feels he has been robbed of the chance of having a son and wish he knew I'd go nuts after having DD before he'd settled down with me. He said he asked me if I wanted kids and not 'a kid' in the early days. He says he wants a clean break and we should put the house up for sale.

I've suggested counselling but they can't change the past can they.

What can I do?

End this relationship as soon as possible because there's no coming back from how horrible he has treated you. He called you a baby killer? That is unforgivable. Get rid, sell the house and move on.

Split as amicably as possible I think.

That's really all you can do when your partner wants to split.

I'm sorry

You aren't a baby machine.
Ltb and tell him he isn't a dp at all.
Sorry you has such a rubbish time in the early days. Glad your dd is a joy to you now. Make sure mil knows exactly what you are dealing with. She supported you then not him, she may do again.

You probably don't want to hear this but I would let him go. He wants to break up so there's really nothing you can say or do to make him stay anyway.

You will probably find that after a few months apart and some space from being constantly criticised, picked at, and called pathetic, that your depression starts to life - like magic!

I don't think there'd be enough counselling in the world to enable me to get past being called a 'baby killer' in the first place, never mind after the horrific experience with post partum psychosis you suffered.

*depression starts to lift

You absolutely did the right thing for you and your daughter especially in light of this behaviour, I'm sure you're glad he's only a dad to one child.
He's manipulating you either to have a child you don't want or to leave you and make out it's all your wrongdoing, it's not, it's your body and I think you made a very brave decision.

As op said, you aren't a baby machine.

I think hubby is just a bastard who is trying to make it your fault (in the most horrible way) that he wants to split. No half decent person would have told you that that is why they want to break up, even if it is true.

Wouldnt be surprised if there is another woman on the scene unfortunately.

Either way, you deserve better.
Cut him loose.

Every single thing he says that you mention is verbally and emotionally abusive. Please leave him- he will be making your mental health so much worse than it would be if you were free of someone treating you this way.

When he has gone through the amount of post partum psychosis and all the things you've been through (including a partner who talks to him like that) then he can pass comment on your decision. Until then, he can fuck off.

And that's only one thing on top of all the other ways he treats you.

Utter vileness from your H!!!

He didn't step and parent your DD, you were seriously unwell yet all that matters is that he wants a son.

FFS you deserve so much better.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone lined up in the background and just wants to blame you for ending it.

Don't be surprised if he uturns when you agree to a divorce. As I suspect he may just saying this shit to be horrible to you! I missed the part when he called you a 'baby killer'. OP he is a really messed up individual and no amount of counciling will solve that. Take this as your chance to escape him. Seriously, run. He is an emotional abuser.

He wants to split up and is making it your fault and being a total bastard. Don't blame yourself. Go and see a good lawyer and make sure you get yourself the best possible equity share on the house for you and your DD. Make sure the original up front settlement is as good as you can possibly get, as you cannot rely on a bastard like this to pay child support, especially after he produces other children down the line.

He is an utter, abusive wanker for saying any and all of the things you’ve mentioned.

You absolutely did the right thing having the termination and I’m so sorry you’ve been through such hell, well done for getting out the other side and having the temerity and strength to make the beat decision for your own MH and your DD’s.

Your ‘D’H is a toxic and twisted cunt, please get away from him

His attitude is unforgivable.

Leave, and find someone kind & decent. Don’t raise your daughter around such a nasty person.

Sorry OP but he sounds like an absolute arsehole and will beat you to death with this for the rest of your life because he's that kind of pathetic person.
Get rid and enjoy your daughter.
He sounds like a usless knob end anyway, there is no excuse for not helping at all the first time when you were in that state.

And anyway it may well have been another daughter, then what?

He's a total bastard. Leave him. There is no coming back from what he's said.

What can you do? You can split from him and concentrate on building a peaceful and lovely life for your perfect little family of two.

No decent person even thinks the things he does, let alone says them to his partner and the mother of his child. Vile.

Oh another misogynistic twat with Henry viii vibes.

I betcha if you called an estate agent to arrange a viewing to get a house valuation - he will go all strange for a day or two and before they come round (or at least, before the house actually goes on the market) he will suddenly want to give things another go with you. That'll show clearly that he came our with all this shit in order to cause you distress.

Exception being if he wants to leave because he has another woman.

But I'd call his bluff by making the call myself, right infont of him (and watch his expression. Chances are he will look sheepish or like 'oh shit').

And then carry on with the house sale anyway because he is a bastard either way!

I'm so sorry to hear your experiences, you could neither have stopped or helped your situation. So his idea of "knowing beforehand" is bollick. You've had to do the right thing for yourself, because of your own well being, I admire you, whole heartily!

Now, your partner! He is allowed to feel sad and angry. But, how he is placing these feelings are wrong! He is 'taking it out' on you. That's unacceptable and irresponsible. You both need to have a serious conversation, because this will not go away. Counselling WILL help you come to a decision. But, I think he hasn't acknowledged or understood what you have experienced nor does he want too.

Do you think he can accept you choose of having no more kids? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to listen or understand you?

Also, you are NOT a baby killer. What a horrible thing to say.

If he wants a clean break, give him one. You and your mental health will feel, oh, about 12 stone lighter. Nobody needs a misogynistic millstone around their neck.

You are far, far more than a mere vessel for babies.

I agree with @bluebella4.

You’ve both had a really shitty time of it, but the way he has dealt with it and is treating you is appalling. Not something I’d get over.

However, I think counselling for you both is a good idea, even if you split up. He’ll need to address his grief/anger and learn how to deal with it properly rather than lashing out at you as you will need to find a way to go-parent your daughter together.

Sounds like him not pulling his weight and sharing the parenting responsibility was a massive factor in you developing Post partum psychosis.

His attitude stinks tbh. I don't see how you came come back from this as he is full of resentment.

You don't have a crystal ball and could never have known what works happen after you had a baby.

He likes having kids... but not the hard work that comes with it.

Very very irresponsible of him.

I'm so sorry OP

I agree with PP in that calling you a "baby killer" is absolutely unforgivable.

You made the right decision for yourself and that is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of

I think it is disgusting that he is treating you this way. You need love and support instead

He didn't step up at the time when you were struggling so much. I'm so glad you won't allow him to blackmail you into having another child and were able to make the decision that was right for you about your pregnancy.

If he'd accept counselling to talk through his issues, maybe the relationship would have a shot. It sounds as though he is ready to split up. In your shoes, I think I would try to accept this.

You don't "owe" him another child.